365 days later...

Here I sit...at one point in time I wondered how I would get thru even one hour without you...then it was how would I get thru the day - the week - the month...yet somehow I managed to make it thru an entire year without you...365 days... I didn't think it was possible...I still can't believe it was possible. No doubt the hardest year of my entire life...I can not grasp the fact that its been an entire year. As much as I wanted my world to stop with yours, it didn't. Even without me feeling like I was alive the world kept moving on and dragging me with it. God I miss you, and I am in a constant state of wonder...where are you...what are you up too...do you miss us where you are at...do you watch over us...do you see me...do you hear me...sometimes I hope the answer is no to that. Because I am sure its a sight you would not enjoy. You were our world - our glue - our foundation - our center - our calm - our compass. It just feels now we are in a constant state of trying to figure this all out. And its been a massive struggle without you. I will be straight up honest I have found I don't even know who I am without you. Its almost like I have become this entirely new person and I getting to know her and she is just so different in so many ways than the girl I once was. I came up with a saying to describe growing and becoming this new well me...losing her to find me. The her is both you and the old me. Some days Mom, the best part of the day is that I simply made it thru it - the loss of you has taught me so much about grief, empathy, loss, sorrow, understanding. The loss of you has taught me so much about life, it has in the most cruel way striped me to the bare bones and to my raw flesh regarding so many aspects of life that I thought I had figured out. The loss of you has challenged me in the simplest of tasks that now seem like the biggest challenges of my entire life. Breathing at times is one of these task, calming myself, focusing, not zoning out the lists goes on. So many things that came so naturally to me fail to even be apart of this new me it seems. I know it takes time. Healing takes time. But my goodness the process of living without is has truly rocked my world.  I am in a constant state of trying to balance letting go and holding on. I think back to you being around my age when you loss your father to cancer and now I wish I would have asked more - how did you carry on and live without him. How did you tackle your grief because you never showed it, you flooded our lives with love, happiness and laughter and now I can't help but wonder how often you felt what I am feeling. It blows my mind you are not here. I just keep thinking you are on vacation coming back next week...but here I am 365 days later and you are not back....you are never coming back. Reality that I literally fight at being true.

June 16, 2014 ...you took your last breath...now a year later I reflect back on it all...the journey of life without you...the life you lived...the battle you fought..your final days...the days that followed you leaving...Its a lot to process through...I still search for understanding in all of it...I search for answers to questions that I hold so tightly too and realize in the same breath that I never will be given the full truth. Life is meant to be understood only upon reflecting back I realize and even then somethings we will never fully grasp the meaning until we leave this earth. I won't ever understand it all...esp why you had to be taken from us. And I realize that this will be something I will have to come to terms with and chances are deal with for the rest of my life. I am learning that grief is like love there is no end to it - it constantly changes but never fully leaves us.

I remember those days when we brought you home. How your mouth was open and I started to realize as the days went on your body became less and less well you. And maybe your soul was truly escaping out of your body thru your mouth. I have never been witness to the true process and journey of one dying....one suffering endlessly and then dying. I sat there and just well stared at you, almost in a way that I couldn't fully grasp the reality that in which was unfolding before my very eyes. it was like a nightmare but one I couldn't wake up from nor escape. You came back to us in moments that were fleeting. And gosh did I just want to someone put my hands around you the you that kept leaving us and make you stay. How I wanted to make you talk to me, make you hold me, reassure me, love me, wipe my tears. I wanted your voice, your words, your touch, your love. Instead it was me who whispered these things to you. It was me holding you, loving you, reassuring you...When we would change you the boys would roll you into my arms and you would moan in pain and come to us. And I would hold you close and whisper into your ear...all the things I wanted you to say to me....its going to be ok (it wasn't for us...but it would be for you soon), we love you, I love you, you are strong, you are our warrior, you are beautiful, you are a gift and a blessing, you are my best friend, I am so grateful for you, you will always be my best friend. I love you...you could only get out Michelle Kay...in a faint whisper and if I didn't spend my entire life hearing you call me that...I would have likely missed it...and then the boys would roll you back...and you were gone back into such a state before your head even rested on the pillow. It dawned on me sometimes that morning what you were doing....you were holding on...and I sat there racking my brain for the why until I realized there was one person you hadn't heard voice it was ok to stop fighting that it was ok to leave. So I called up your brother Wally and put him on speaker phone...and he told you he loved you and that guy that told you to never stop fighting told you, its ok Paula you fought with everything you had - its ok to stop now and go home to god and dad. I love you....with tears in my eyes I realized your soul was in your body when he spoke to you. I could feel you there. when the room emptied I took your hands in mine and squeezed...I soaked you in...I took my hand to your face holding the other....and got as close to you as possible and spoke....you are so loved, we know you don't want to leave - if it was up to you, you would stay, everyone has now given you their blessing and have voiced its ok to stop fighting and to let go...its ok mom to leave us. we love you - its time to let go....I love you...and as I finished your breathing changed...everything changed...and I called for everyone .... we circled around you said the lord's prayer...and at the start of your favorite song somewhere over the rainbow...you took your last breath and let go...and in that moment I wondered did my first breath change you in the same profound way as your last breath did for me? Everyone cleared out of the room...everyone but me...I found it fitting it was always you and me anyways. it was too much for them to be in that room with you but you not there. Jimmy wanted me to close your mouth - it had only been seconds and it was already an impossible task to do...I choose to believe it was because your soul had to fully come out...it was just you and me...no words were spoken as the tears flooded my eyes and ran down my face. you were gone...I didn't leave your side - the undertakers came, and as they zipped you in a black plastic bag I thought you were too good for death...that this entire process wasn't something you should have ever had  to go thru...yet it was the circle of life....we placed you are stretcher with wheels and wheeled you out of the house you made a home...the place you wanted to be at to take your last breath....you place you in a hearse - shut the doors and they drove away with you....it was a moment even 365 days later I can not put into true words to express what I was thinking and feeling....I took a deep breath looked up into the blue sky and closed my eyes picturing the angels welcoming you and leading you into paradise...then I opened them turned around walked into the house and started planning the celebration of your life....it only dawned on my 365 days later I even allowed myself a moment to lose it...to feel the massive amounts of pain from having my soul shatter and my heart torn apart....I knew if I did that if I allowed myself that moment of weakness I likely never would have been able to do the things that needed to be done next....and I was determined to give the woman that always put other's first the celebration of life and send off that you deserved.  I was determined to not let you down.

6.16.14 was the worst day of my life....yet it does not go unnoticed that it just might be your most favorite day for you entered eternity...paradise...you were welcomed home...you met your maker...you were embraced by your loved ones...esp your dad. you suffered beyond belief yet were rewarded with being flooded with feelings I cant even imagine upon entering heaven. ...365 days later I have kept that imagine in my mind of your being at peace...at you being filled with fulfillment, happiness and above all love...and its been the only thing that has gotten me this far without you...knowing you are at home forever at peace. hopefully with that signature smile you know the one with the crinkled up nose with sparkling eyes...happy heavenly day to you mom. I love you, forever.

When fear is reality

I remember standing in your room...looking at your hospital bed....thinking wow your small frame makes that bed look huge when in reality it was your typical twin/single bed. it was late and it was just us five. You looked at all of us...you were mentally with us...which at that time was fleeting..your eyes filled with tears as you finally spoke ...i  love you all so very much...i was given so much in this life - my greatest blessing was being your mom...i am sorry this happened that i brought this into our family - i am sorry i couldn't beat this for you...i am sorry for doing this to you... i am sorry... i love you...i love you so much...  but i can't live like this...i don't think i will make it thru the night...i don't want to live like this...this isn't living...i love you..we were all crying...we know mom...we don't want you to live like this either...no mom this isn't your fault....we love you. we are so grateful to call you our mom...you blessed us. you loved us. you raised us. we love you....i knew in that moment the fate of her destiny was sealed...i was holding onto hope that she would bound back - turn a corner...i knew it was now only a matter of when she would leave us.  I remember not wanting to leave the hospital that nite...i didn't want to go to bed for fear she wouldn't in fact make it thru the nite...i feared for this moment for the last four years...and prior to that gathering in her room it was just a fear...now the difference was..it was reality..it was really happening...it was going to really happen. i thought i prepared myself for that moment knowing it would one day come...turns out i wasn't prepared at all...for nothing can prepare you for such a moment. i am still not prepared...and i never will be chances are...but life continues on. i don't know how but it does...

it was June 10 well actually the early hours of June 11...she would be gone 5 days later...what a nightmare it all was...still is when i think back to those June days of the suffering and struggle her final days were and the exhaustion and pain that came to us as we had no choice but to stand by and watch. i don't think i will ever forget those June days...my jaw just hurting all the time...from biting down so hard to fight the tears back...the intense eye headaches that never left as a result of exhaustion, no sleep and too much crying. staying strong - keeping positive - trying to comfort others We spent our days in the hospital with her - our meals eaten downstairs in the cafeteria as we took turns sitting with her while the others picked at food we forced down.  We would read to her - sing to her - watch tv with her in shifts as the rest would gather in the lounge doing just about anything to distract our minds from the reality that was our lives during those June days...we would laugh..and when we did i remember thinking i never realized how great laughing truly felt...what a simple free blessing we are given in laughing...She was one of two ways - lost in her own thoughts/world or throwing up as a result of pushing fluids to flush the high levels of ammonia from her body.  Neither were pleasant to witness...at all. her sleeping was a welcome state...i would often just sit and look at her ...it was the strangest feeling to see her there yet not see her there...it was my first realization that a body is just a shell for the soul...part of her - the best part of her had quickly started to fade out of this world - her body already showed signs that her full self had started to part...i sat there wondering how did we get here...how is this her story...how is this reality right now. things were moving so fast yet so slow at the same moment. we were all at a lost of words not sure what to think - what to say - what to do...our warrior for the first time didn't appear to be superwoman...our lives were hanging by treads - we stood on crack glass beneath us it was no longer a thought will it shattered now the thought was it was only a matter of time...the world that we knew life to be would forever be altered and we all knew it.

Such a moment can make you realize so much about life...how we spend so much time - energy and thought on things that truly do not matter in any way shape or form when it comes down to it...life is truly about the simplest of moments and i found myself wanting to give just about anything to have those small simple moments back with her. i sat by her bedside and thought of all those moments i was granted to share and create with her...how much those moments  meant to me because i was given the blessing of her - that the single reason why those moments carried so much meaning was simply because of her. my mind would wander and i found myself thinking of all the moments that would now occur without her...how was i going to face not only those moments but life in general without her. my mom - my best friend was fading from my life and i couldn't stop it - i couldn't pause it - fix it - heal her...my only choice was to stand by, watch...and pray...i would say the same things over and over and over...please bring her  peace...please bring her peace...please bring her peace. soon the prayer would change to please take her. please just take her. please just take her now and end this suffering. when that prayer came a part of  what i thought of my lighted soul darkened. you are never the same after you pray for someone to have their life end...and a part of me will never heal from voicing and asking for such a request in prayer...and a part of me will also never forgive him for granting that prayer request...gosh i still wish this wasn't the reality of my life...i miss her terribly...and long to just be embraced by her comfort - by her light - by her love...my soul misses her in ways i will never find the words to express...

i am unsure how but during those June days i found ways to send updates to all those praying and thinking of her. now those posts help me fill in the blanks during a time where all we did was get thru the day...i look at the pictures...read the words...and think the blessing was her suffering thou terrible to witness only lasted for a matter of weeks...that was the game we always played - what could be worse....her suffering more than weeks...that could have been worse...maybe that was a blessing...it could have been worse -hard to actually imagine what we lived thru and she suffered thru...but it is possible - many have it worse.  my heart goes out to those people that have it worse...my heart truly goes out to you.

my boy...Oz

Born on April 19th, 2015 in Verona ND  to Jake (black lab) and Molly (choc. lab) one of 3 males with 4 females.... weighing a hefty 11 lbs the chunk of the litter at the time of coming home - June 7th, 2015... Meet my man - my boy...Aussie 'Oz' Grinnell Goldmann.

Aussie as a shout out to my mates and my time living in Australia. Truly one the the best places i have ever been - seen and for sure had the honor to call home.

Grinnell named Grinnell Mountain and Grinnell Glacier which just happens to be located in Glacier National Park, Montana.  Hands down my favorite place on the planet. My heart and soul belong in the Big Sky State.

And a special tribute to my warrior - my best friend - my mom by calling him Oz as in the Wizard of Oz - for one of her favorite songs that happened to be sung at her funeral - Somewhere Over the Rainbow.

It was love from the moment I saw this porky guy - he won over my heart in the matter of seconds and knew from then on it would just be me and him. June is not my favorite month - its a hard month - a struggling month... its the month my world shattered. the month i lost my best friend. the month where we had to watch our warrior leave this world. Its also the month of her birthday and the month when she said her I do's to my father. I am so grateful for all she gave me and i honor her the best i know how and can do each and everyday...but June - June is just a tough month.  So i figured it would be fitting to bring some much needed joy and excitement to the month that brings so many tears and heartbreak.  I am not sure what i have gotten myself into...it may be my best decision or my worse...time will tell - but i am quite certain it will be a decision i will never regret.  This little guy has already started to replace sorrow with love in the form of his waggin' tail - out of control cuteness and of course his cuddles. I can't help but just melt and smile. I mean really is there anything better than a puppy...and then add on top of that a black lab puppy....

I am officially entering chaos...but i think he is just what i need. just what my life is lacking...life is going to be an adventure with him.

June 4th.

Today - you and dad would have celebrated 39 years of marriage. oh how i wish you two would have been allowed more time to grow together through this life - to enjoy the life you had worked so hard for and saved for...i wish you would have been granted that life together. But i realize you were blessed with much more. You two were blessed with a marriage that provided you love and support for 38 years. I can only hope that if i ever do find the right one to say I do too - that such a marriage would mirror the one that the two of you created.  I often thinking of the song by Martina McBride - All the things we've never done.

They drank their anniversary glass...A silent moment passed
Then they kissed...She knows there's something on his mind
He'll tell her in due time...What it is.... He says "I've never built
Your mansion on a hill...Or warmed you in the Spanish sun
I simply blink my eye...And think as years fly by
Of all the things we've never done"

She smiles and takes his hand in hers....And says "It just occurred
To me now....The thought that brings you such regret
What hasn't happened yet...It makes me proud... "

"You never walked away...When I needed you to stay
Or made me feel I'm not the one...There've been no broken vows
And there reason we're here now...Is all the things we've never done"

"We've never grown apart....You never broke my heart
With secrets that you've kept me from...We've never been untrue
And I'm still here with you...Through all the things we've never done"

To me this was your marriage in a nut shell...it wasn't about things or possessions - it was all about what was real - what is now some what rare these days...simply and pure love. You two were committed to each other and your vows to the other stood for something and the life you built together was lasting. I am so proud to be the daughter of Mark and Paula Goldmann.  I so wish I could have watched more of your love story unfold yet i know its still not over.

Last year we spent this night in the ER...some anniversary to celebrate 38 years...yet it didn't matter to you two...you two were just happy to be together. I find it quite ironic on the very day you officially started your life together would end up being the very day 38 years later to start your lives soon apart. For it was late in the nite of June 4, 2014 that we gathered around you filled with fear and worry...something wasn't right...something wasn't right at all... we got that sinking gut feeling that our lives would soon be flipped upside down - little did we know then that the sinking feeling wasn't just our lives being flipped but also torn and blown apart...In 12 days you would finally be granted peace but that peace would come at a cost - you would have to suffer and we would have no choice but to watch you slowly slip from this world as you carried your cross alone. Thinking of your last anniversary - is tough...so today i picture your wedding day. i see the couple - the new Mr. and Mrs. Goldmann ready to embark on life together...dad with his sun golden skin and big grin and you in a simple beautiful dress with eyes filled with excitement. You two couldn't wait to begin to embrace whatever life had in store for you to come - whatever it may bring you promised to face it together...and that you did. What a life you two had together...what a marriage...what a family you created...All because two people fell in love.

Reliving

You and dad had arrived to Fargo - to start the project of extending my drive way to allow me to park two cars without having to play musical cars each time someone needed to leave. You arrived with a smile on your face and ready to start the fun we always had when we decided to under take a task. You seemed better than the weeks prior - thou you had pressure building as well as fluid in your abdomen - you were gaining your strength it seemed and your attitude & out look was positive. Your last public outing was to the Knoll - Cook Wedding held on May 31st. You were tired but marched on. We noticed you were having troubling eating for the last few weeks but you having a hard time walking and moving in general was new. That week you spent in Fargo we found you in the basement on the couch - in order for you to join us all in the back yard i found a way to recline you and make you comfortable to be outside with us. Oh the smile this brought. Soon thou we moved you to my room to sleep because the stairs were just to much to conquer.  In my heart I knew something wasn't right. But instead I just thought she is just weak from the chemo - her body is run down - she just needs rest. I am sorry i never trusted my gut.  Soon you were laying in my bed more than you were moving. I long for those days last summer where i crawled into bed with you and we just laid side by side watching HGTV...there was mostly silence but i believe our souls were talking to each other. I miss that utter closeness with you...no one ever knew me better than you and i truly believe no one ever will. God i miss you.

When you left Fargo you went straight to Bismarck and checked into St. A's. From June 5th to June 13th you fought to live. Until we finally were told the bacteria virus that was the true reason why you couldn't move or walk did too much damage. Your kidneys and esp your liver were unable to function properly - as we feared your life would be taken from liver failure due to breast cancer. Watching you slowly slip away from this earth suffering and in pain was prolly one of the worse things I myself have ever witnessed. It made me sick to my stomach knowing we couldn't do anything to lessen your load. I still have the nightmares of you in this state. The days where we prayed endlessly for you to be able to stop throwing up - for you to be at peace. And then were only followed by the three days we prayed for you to be taken. I know many have it much worse - your days of misery were numbered compared to others - yet it was much to long for those who love you to have witness and much much too long for you to have had to endure. But there you were...not a single complaint, not an ounce of anger or pity...how were you so strong, so brave...how were you still so loving and kind through it all... you amaze me mom. The way you fought your battle and carried the heavy load ALL alone with your undying faith.

May 2015 wasn't a good month and June 2015 has been terrible...i find myself reliving your final month - day by day. In many ways finally processing what had all happened. Sometimes just living thru the moment is hard enough you can't process it. Losing you has been the biggest challenge of my entire life...and i am quite certain it will be the biggest challenge i will ever have to face. The treads of your being are so tightly woven into mine - that when you left i was forever altered and changed. And i am now learning how to live without you...i know this past year i was just existing - just getting thru the days to have them pass....it has been a struggle of growing pains of sorrow pains and so much more. Most days i just long to talk to you and share all that i shared with you. how do you explain to others when the only person that truly gets it all was the one person you want and need but isn't here....there's no replacing you. i know i am being selfish...but i just want the life i had back...where you were here...where we talked. where we smiled. where we laughed. where we were together. where i could pick up the phone and hear your voice. where we shared our thoughts and stories...now you only exist in my head...you are imprinted on my heart and the trace of your being mapped all over my soul. its hard to let that life go where we even in that moment knew we had the whole world in our hands. i knew how blessed we were...i knew it wasn't everyone's story - everyone's life. i would fight for that life with everything i have - i still would. God, i miss you, mom.

Words I can't say

i have never had this problem before...and now i often can't believe the task it is...to simply form the words...i have only done it twice since June 16th...the words don't seem to form - the thoughts run so fast i can't stop them long enough to gather...my last prayer to the man upstairs was to take her...to end her suffering..to take her from this world...that monday in June he finally granted one of my prayers...not the ones of healing her and keeping her here with us...but healing her and taking her to him...since then the words - the thoughts - the prayers haven't been there...its not for a lack of trying...i try...they just aren't there. i have been to church when i am required - holidays, weddings and funerals for friends and family since...its a for sure trainwreck to come when i enter those doors...it doesn't settle right...i guess thats what happens when you are mad...when you are angry...i didn't realize i was to be honest...i thought i skipped that stage of the grief/mourning phase...turns out i am angry...and i am mad...and i am only such to one...funny how you don't see it...that you can't link it all together, until someone has the guts to tell you...to ask you.  to actually listen and then has the knowledge to fill in the blanks and realize. I knew I couldn't pray... i knew i had a hard time being in his home - sitting in his church ... but i didn't know the reason or the meaning behind it.

every morning and every evening i get in my car and drive for 20 some minutes...i am alone in the car and i found myself one morning months ago to turn to LIFE 97.9 - i guess in a way the songs speak the words i can't mouth and voice out loud...until the anger leaves i let music speak...most days the music i hear - the lyrics that are spoken bring me to tears...sometimes to the point i have to pull over...yet i can't speak a word. but i keep listening. 

a few weeks ago i was given a book...what a struggle of a book it is to read...but i know its a struggle i have to get thru...if it wasn't for the person who I received it from it would prolly be sitting on the shelf...but I have decided to have a leap of faith and trust in her...I will admit I get thru the pages and take in the pages because she has to deal with taking in me - so it's only fair right? I will admit many of the topics of this book speak to me, yet I am highly certain it will take reading this book more than once to obtain what it has to offer. Praying seems so easy until you are faced with a time in your life that the one you are praying to is the very one that shattered your life by taking away the grounding figure in your life...so my words to him right now are not kind words - in fact they are prolly words that shouldn't be said or voiced in any form at all...so i remain silent...but i read the pages of this book - i absorb what is written on them and try to process thru.  I find myself thinking how i can apply them to life and not just life in general but my life...i finally was able to say my first prayer...its was emotional, it was hard...it required more strength than i realized... i let him know i wasn't impress with his choice and i would prolly fight him on his reason for the rest of my life...but to help me see the blessings that surround me in this life - to help me embrace the simple joy and happiness again. was it even a prayer...doesn't seem like one now that i read it...but thats all i could come up with at the time...thats all i had in me...they say he can take it...take the anger - the letdown - the being utterly torked off pissed off mad at him...well i am not an angry person...i am the direct opposite. Maybe that's why it's so hard to see and admit that I am feeling such a way. 

Since that nite - I have said one more prayer - and it took knowing a ten year old was saying prayers for me to get me to do it...it was prolly harder than the first. And it sounded even less like a prayer. I sat there tears rolling down my face - I don't know what to say. I don't want to move. I know I am holding so tight afraid of letting go that I don't even know what I am truly holding onto. You gave me the very life I loved and embraced then took away the source of everything to me. She belonged here. I didn't need to become more and I hate that whatever lesson you think I need to know grow and become is a direct result of taking my best friend - my mom. I would swear at you but my mom is prolly listening. All I can say is you better have a damn good reason behind this. A damn good reason. 

Yup not a prayer I know maybe they will come with time. Maybe the anger will fade and I will be embrace by this understanding - doubtful. Chances are I will just grow to accept it and forgive - no promises I will trust in this but I will try. I am quite certain we needed her more. I am willing to bet my life on it. But I guess if I ever want to see her again I am going to have to trust in you and believe in you again. So I guess my third prayer is right here and now. Help me forgive you. Help me let go of the anger. 

Mady Kay

what...a graduate from high school?!?!?! when? how? where did the time go...you were just our Chuckie the other day...my leech the next and then i turned and found you grown...how is this possible...i don't know...what i do know is that you have grown into one amazing beautiful smart gal...i am so very proud of you, Madysen Kay. i know great things lie before you - just awaiting for you to embrace them...dreams just awaiting for you to grasp and turn into reality. I am confident all you will ever truly need already lies within you...believe in yourself and know that you can...and you will.  Don't be afraid to challenge yourself - for life is best lived outside your comfort zone. Know always that your family - me included will always be found in your corner - forever members of the Mady Zander fan club.  way to go freak, i am so very proud of you!! Cheers!!!