We love you already...

In roughly two weeks time my brother and sister in-law will be having a party to find out as a family what baby number two will be, who just happens to be due on Granny's birthday June 28. We will all gather and I am sure be on pins and needles withe excitement to see if you will find blue or pink that day.

Regardless if this is a baby boy or a baby girl I know one thing for certain he/she will be loved and accepted with welcoming arms by many.  My family and extend family may be well a little wild a little crazy a little loud a little strange and well there sure are alot of us one thing is for certain they are loving caring kind and even fun.So ya he/she will prolly be spoiled with not just endless love but prolly a few things as well...To me thou I really don't care if this child will sit down to pee or stay standing - I just want the child to be healthy - I want the child to be born when the time is ready at full term with no complications. I want a labor that is healthy for Shonna. I want the three of them( Paul, Shonna and Taylor) to leave as a family of three and return all together as a family of four. I have beome more and more aware of the miracle a baby is and just what a gift it truly is to have a healthy baby and mom. These are the prayers I pray. For I know it doesn't matter if the baby is a Broke or a Shelia in the end this baby will be just what our family needs and wants. This baby will complete us in ways we never knew we were missing out on. He/She will be a source of joy. a source of happiness. a source of love. a source of smiles and laughter....and our lives will never be the same again. I am positive I will find less room on my hard drive with photos of this perfect face volumed in mass numbers and chances are a few less dollars in my pocket because well you know I just couldn't say no...and well I couldn't imagine it any other way. The Goldmann family will be eight once this bundle of joy arrives and I am quite certain with time this child will be just as crazy just as wild just as fun just as loud as the rest of us...I am certain he/she will fit in right from the start.

I am Blessed.

Have you ever just stopped and reflected upon your life. Have you ever truly thought about the people that surround you, the people that have come and the people that have gone, the people that give your life meaning, the people that emcompass who you are, the people that hold the stories that make you - well you. Have you ... lately i have found myself spending alot of time in thought - reflecting. I have always been grateful for what I have been given in this life but even I have come to notice that sometimes I have no clue at all just how blessed my life has been.

33 years ago I was born into a family that has done nothing but love and support me from the moment I took my first breath. I was given two people to call Mom and Dad that have given me the roots to stay grounded in this life but wings to chase and achieve the life I dream to live. Two brothers that push me pass my limits and help me realize I am capable of even more. Their endless gaining up on me laid the foundation to build my source of strength.  A gal that I have come to call my true sister that has empowered me and provided me with a  source of strength to face life head on and to never back down. A sister in-law who has embraced my crazy not normal family as her own and simply loves us for who we are  never  trying to change us, I am quite positive its a role only she could fill.  A niece that reminds me to live right now in this moment and to have as much fun as you can - don't save the laughter smiles or happiness for later - dance for no reason even if there's no music...An extend family that have only gotten better and better with each year that has pass. A family that loves me just as I am - the crazy - wild - off on her own - lives life just a bit different from the rest self. It no longer comes as a surprise when I am out doing something off the wall or taking a life path so different from everyone else...it comes more as a shock when I am doing what everyone else is doing. They have stopped asking when I am going to settle down and have come to understand that I am fully and completely happy with my life just as it is right now in this moment...that if it happens someday great if it doesn't my life will not be any less. I realize the blessing it is to call these faces my family. I am honored to call those faces my family. I have come to grasp just how important these faces are to have around as we battle the journey of cancer. We have come closer as a family in whole in ways that I can't begin to describe or explain all I can truly say is I am just so very glad  they, each and everyone of them is here.

My life  has been filled with teachers, professors, coaches, and bosses that have taught me to believe in myself, to stand strong on my own two feet, to put in the sweat blood and tears - the work is worth it. My parents may have laid and supported the foundation in which I have built my life upon but its these people that installed the sound structure in which I have housed the core being of who I am. These people have pushed me inspired me motivated me believe in me and helped me realize my potential. Thru their lessons and words I have been able to break thru the glass ceiling and grasp many goals and dreams I never truly thought even possible. I am filled with gratitude when I think of these outstanding people who put in time to simply better my life.

Then there are those that I call my friends, whether I have known them all my life or for only a short time - whether they are my best friends or my co-workers - my classmates or my mates from downunder - whether they were in my life for one flitting moment or someone I only talk to every now and then. Those that I call my friend are people I will always have time for. Each and every single person has played a role in my life to shape and form who I am and by removing just one of them from my life I truly believe would alter who I am in ways even I can't imagine. Friends are those beings that share in this journey with us - who share our happiness and create memories with. They hold us up - they fill us up with laughter hope and friendship - they help us realize that we can endure the life that sets before us and that we are not alone. I owe so very much to those I call my friends.

I think of who I am...how I got here...how I have grown into this person that I am at this very moment...I am in no shape or form great...and well perfect is not ever a word I want linked to my name...but I am me...simply me is who I am...and its a me that I am quite happy to be...and because of all these people that I have in my life...those that have come and gone and those that have come and stayed I have come to know and believe with every ounce that makes up who I am...that I am enough just as I am, I am loved and accepted just as I am. I am humbled by all that has been given to me and humbled by the lives that have walked with me during this journey. It is because of these very people that I know I will endure whatever struggles changes challenges loss failure that comes my way... I will LOVEthisLIFE each and every step I take each and every breath I take...its the very least I can do for all they have done for me. I am  blessed.

Dream Away...

 There are a few things in this life that makes me refer to two peas in a pod. Me and Montana..two peas in a pod. Me and skiing..two peas in a pod. Me and my nikon...two peas in a pod. Me and music...two peas in a pod. Me and my niece...two peas in a pod. I am always looking for music that isn't heard over and over on the radio. Awhile back I stumbled across a singer/songwriter named Caitlyn Smith...when I first heard the song she wrote called Dream Away...only one face flashed across my mind...

 "Barefeet - skinned knees 2 years old and she's already flying...hanging from an old oak tree tire swing...trying to kiss the sun - reaching higher and higher...she wants to see what's on the other side of that 6 foot fence...she wants to run as far - as fast as she can...keep your head in the highest cloud...don't think you ever gotta come back down...chase the stars and you'll find what ya looking for..people gonna say what they're gonna say....TAYLOR, you just dream away."

 "If you want to see the other side of this great big world...follow the heart of that little girl..Keep your head in the highest cloud...don't think you ever gotta come back down...chase the stars and you'll find what ya looking for..people gonna say what they're gonna say....TAYLOR, you just dream away."

 Ya my niece may be only 2, but oh my is she full of energy and a zest for life. I can only hope that maybe a little of me might be rubbed off on her but more importantly she grows into someone who is utterly confident in being just her. Someone who knows her self worth and above all that just being Taylor (her greatness and her flaws) is enough. All she has to be is simply her. I have my fingers crossed that she will live outside her comfort zone and push the limits on life. That she isn't afraid of exploring this world whether its in groups or alone. That she has a great relationship with herself - that she knows truly who she is and what she stands for - and that she actually likes that self and embraces spending time with just herself. That she isn't afraid of laughing at herself. That she doesn't sweat the small stuff. I hope she treats everyone she meets and knows with compassion kindness understanding and graditude. I hope she has a wild streak and a voice she isn't afraid to use. I hope she has dreams...dreams that people think she is crazy for having and I hope she has the passion to make those dreams come true. I hope she does things against the grain. That she isn't a follower. I hope she has the guts to blaze her own path in this world. I pray she knows and uses her words - esp Thank you, I am sorry, I love you and Please. I hope she isn't afraid of mistakes mess ups or failure...for its simply just a chance to learn and grow. I hope she knows that she needs no one but herself to complete her - but finds a love to share this journey one day with... That she knows its okay to be lost...its the only way to truly find yourself. That she comes to realize that everything happens for a reason and that reason I am coming to understand is to learn - grow and become. I hope she doens't listen to those people out there that seem to be dream crushers. I hope she carries a postive attitude and sees the glass half full. I am banking on her being that person that accepts people just as they are. I can see her raising a little hell - and that's ok - no one likes a goodie too shoe..I kind of hope she is random like me and even a little strange. I hope she isn't afriad to color outside the lines as well as live outside those lines. That she knows not to strive to be perfect but to strive to be happy. That she finds laughter each and everyday. I hope she discovers her bliss - her joy - her happy place and retreats there often. That she sees the greatness in herself and finds herself linked to the motto her auntie is so in love with...LOVEthisLIFE.I dream that she does things that makes her happy whether it be reading a book - digging in the dirt - baking - sports - riding horses - hunting - painting - skiing - ballet (just please not cheerleading but will support ya even if thats what makes you happy) - and never faces a day where she afraid of being who she is... I hope she knows whats important in this life and values the people she has in her life. Above all i hope she never loses the energy she possesses now as a 2 yr old. I hope she never loses the zest for life she has and her endling desire to explore anything and everything. I hope she never ever stops dreaming. And may she always know she has an auntie that believes in her crazy big dreams and will always say...Taylor...you just dream away....and prove them all wrong when your dreams become reality.

Today not Tomorrow

You ever notice how fast people are trying to get somewhere - anywhere but here. They are constantly waiting for this to happen - because they feel their missing out on life because they are without it... don't they realize they are missing out on life right here and now but focusing too much on the future and what it holds they are letting the right now slip right thru their fingertips.

I have no  clue what my future days hold - i don't know what the pages of my story will come to write what i do know thus far is that the future days that have already turned into now and then into the past - well they turned out alright...i am here aren't i...i found a way to make it work with what I have been given not what I have gone without. I believe if its meant to be it will be...it doesn't mean i haven't faced my share of times and moments where i was dragging my heels because i didn't want it to end or I didn't want to accept the fate that lied in front of me as my destiny. Letdown - hurt - heart ache - loss  - failure - sorrow is never easy to stomach...and I guess if it became easy to do so - well then we would really have a problem. But i do know I overcame those moments...it turns out i am a lot stronger than even i thought. And you know what those things I thought I needed and those people I thought I could never live without...well I still found my smile - still had my laugh and ya know what i still carry with me...my happiness. Life just has that way of taking you to the places and to the people you are truly meant to be with and at if you let it...

So I guess you could say I have stopped looking and wondering into the future...those days will soon take care of themselves for now I am focused on the days that are a given that I can never get back. For tomorrow is an extra so I am focused on making today my best day. For life is about TODAY not TOMORROW.

A touch of Whitefish...

 Before I left Whitefish I was lucky enough to get my hands on a piece of history from the resort when it was know as Big Mountain Resort. Now days its known as Whitefish Mountain Resort on Big Mountain (located in Whitefish, Montana). This gem once took skiers to the slopes via the Badrock Lift way way back in the day. I was pumped when I got my hands on her and then Oly the lift maintenance pro on the mountain offered to turn the chair into a rocker. I had to wait for him to do his work - he's a busy guy making sure all the lifts are running smooth and update on the resort - so wait I did...but the wait was so worth it. Last winter I picked her up when I was there for a ski trip with my family. I was in love with her and that was pre-make over. She was old simple as that rusted and in tough shape - but my love remained no matter what.

 Until I had the space for her I had it store at my uncle Brad's body shop. I had high hopes that one day that maybe I would get around to having my uncle paint her like new. As you know from previous blogs I became a homeowner going on two weeks ago - so it meant I finally had the space to house this gem myself. Last night my parents arrived back into town with a trailer and this just happened to be on it. When I arrived home I was already excited to see the special chair with deep meaning to me in MY HOME! Once I opened the gate I became even more thrilled to see her...my uncle had brought her back to life and gave her a new paint job as a house warming gift to me. My parents had found out info from me on such things as what lift the chair belonged to. They decided to keep it the same color as it once was back in her glory days on the mountain and my uncle added a few touches in the details. Needless to say I was just about as happy as one could be.

Leaving the mountains and Whitefish was a tough tough choice for me - but I realized the mountains in Montana would always be there - so for the time being I packed my belongings and said goodbye...not going to lie my soul is prolly still somewhere to be found on those very mountains this chair called home...one day I will call her home again. But in the mean time I am embracing my new home and falling in love with her just as much as I did with Montana. And well this chair is just a piece of Whitefish that reminds me I am home - I am at peace. As I sat on her and rocked last nite I swear I could feel the same Montana air filling my lungs and that feeling of being at peace swepted over me - the exact one that I found in the sleepy ski town. The peace that place brought me is now found in my backyard. At home yes in deed I am.

Even when you are naughty...

On a perfect Fall afternoon I received the following text message from my sister in-law, Shonna.

"Well it's a good thing we are getting rid of this carpet, just busted Tay doing this to it"...(see picture below).  Taylor's Granny (my mom) response was quite clever - " Oh Oh Picasso at work in the wrong place."

 My reaction was prolly less filled with anger than it was for my sister in-law and brother upon seeing that their daughter decided to update their carpet by coloring it blue - maybe after hearing them talk about the change of wanting it either replaced or removed to showcase the hardwood floors she took action into her own hands. My brother's response to the text message was classic any parent's reply would be...she better got a spanking for that or a time out.  Upon talking to my mom on the phone about our little Taylor and her most recently action that led to naughty Tay and tears I had stated I have been there plenty of times starting out what I think is a good idea even great idea suddenly becomes a terrible idea. Its strange how easy and clear an idea comes to you and you roll with it how fast it can head south...in a mater of well Shonna walking into the room and discovering what Taylor has been up too - that fast. The truth is I relate to my 2 year old niece.

So Tay - I vow you this - when you find yourself in hot water - deep trouble I will be the one in a tender way to show you kindness support and understanding no matter what you did - I will never make excuses for you nor will I try to talk your parents out of what they decided as punishment for you behavior. You will always in my book be held accountable for your actions but I also know what its like to dip my toes in a bit of heat - do somethings I know better not to do as well as those times where I just lived in the moment and didn't see the trouble it was leading me too. The truth is Taylor - sometimes we must learn by failing - we gotta mess up alittle before we can clean up.  And if you are anything like your Auntie you have to sometimes fail big time and mess up in an epic way in order to learn a few life lessons. But no matter how big of trouble you get in I will always remind you that you are loved. That you are worthy. That you are more than your downfalls and shortcomings. That even thou your parents are heated they will cool and nothing you could ever do would make their love for you go away. I know in life you will face a few times like you had today - that I am sure will see tears and heartbreak upon realizing you did something you shouldn't have done. But know near or far your Auntie will always be there to remind you of what you are capable of and how loved you are and will even offer a few bits of advice on lessons to be learned and actions that you can make moving forward to not repeat in the future. One thing for certain I am quite certain I will be able to say...Tay - did I ever tell you about the time that your auntie did this...and boy oh boy were your granny and gramps not pleased with me...but you know what I learned this...and I realized that even thru all that your granny and gramps still loved me just as I know your mommy and daddy love you. The thing about messes...they can always be picked up and cleaned up. Life is about learning simple as that - we can't be good all the time can we... what fun would that be...besides...no one likes a goodie two shoes that lives life in  a perfect bubble. 

HOME...@ Last.

 On the perfect September morning (9.12.2013) I signed the papers to make a charming bungalow my first home as an official homeowner. It was an experience I never had before and one I will never forget. I never quite believe that such a thing would be checked of my life's goal list - being single I never thought I would ever see the day...but then that day came. And not only am I a homeowner but I found a house that screams Michelle Goldmann - I couldn't have found a more fitting home than this beauty.

I am head over heels in love with her. She is filled with character! I heart the way the hardwood floors sound when walking across them - filled with age and stories from a lifetime of people calling her home. She now holds my story in that collection. I love the imperfect details that lie in her walls after years of providing shelter to those who retreated to her each night. I have found my new favorite place to be is looking out the front windows when the sun is rising and setting each day - I love the way the light sunshines thru and reflects off the windows. I love the fact she is aged and with that age she has only gotten more beautiful. With a little elbow grease and sweat she is looking refreshed. I look forward to taking care of her.

 Out of all the first things I could have put up - I thought it was fitting that my first item would be NDSU related. For it wasn't that long ago that I drove these very streets during my college days vowing that if I ever called my college city my home it would be in this part of the woods. I knew it was a long shot even then with homes that were way out of my league...but yet I found her right in the heart of those very woods. I couldn't have been more thrilled to realize that my dream location has become my reality.

Clark - I mean Mark (my father) had his own first thing hung moment. In typical fashion it was hunting related. So my first buck "ankles" found his spot on the wall.

 I picture this space to be open - fresh and light and in order to do so the red just had to go. I can't wait to show the photo once the other color is up - for I just have this huge feeling it will look like its just meant to be that way all along.

 I will admit I was alittle crushed when I found that someone did a damaging act to her by riping out the original built-in and scarring her floor...but then I found this piece and well it looks just like it belongs and as for the floor we are healing her in hopes no scar will be shown.

I am now in the quest of changing her wall appearance to something more Michelle. I have a vision for her - all of her - each room - each wall - each flooring - every single detail will be addressed and she is going to shine like you wouldn't believe once I thru.

 Though the list of things to do is quite long I will take my time and check things off once they are done in complete perfection that adds even more to her character. I am planning on been with her for quite awhile so I know there is no rush. However I am looking forward to my belongings finding there home instead of just being at home in boxes. Its a process but a process that is worth doing - for like I said I am already completely head over heels in love with her - so nothing seems like work to me for I enjoy each moment I spend with her.