am i still me...

In the past over eight months I have lived a life where most often i feel like a slug without its shell. In many ways  like a zombie just walking through the motions. All i hear are the same things over and over...embrace your life...be happy thats what she would want...go talk to someone. do this. be that. keep it together....the thing is...one doesn't have a clue until one is in a position of recovering from loss and trying to piece together a life that fit so perfectly together prior to when the bomb went off...words they offer no comfort to me anymore...regardless of how one thinks they are coming off or will come off...this is life not a pep talk for some big game...i often have the line they are meaning well come across my mind yet in the end words these days seem to do more damage than good. i get all these things that my mom wants for me. dreams for me...i know better than anyone because she told me...her words are what echos in my mind. in my heart. in my soul. Her gentle voice that comes to me in the my darkest of moments. yet that doesn't just magically just snap me into an alter universe where all of sudden i am whole. i am complete...i am me...

the truth of the matter is i have had half of my soul rip from me...and i am doing the best i can day by day and sometimes i have to take it hour by hour. i am not looking for anyone to fix me or make it better...because the truth is that won't lead me to the place i long to one day be...i long to be the person that i am...the person i am growing and becoming ... the person that i am capable of being and becoming. the person my mom knew me to be...the person my mom dreamed and wished me to be...and in order to be that person i have to do things the way i need to do them. Call it being stubborn or thick headed or call it simply as a girl willing to just go her own way. i have no clue what i am doing is right or wrong....most days i don't feel at all like the person that i was...and often wornder am i still me or will i ever still be me one day? Grief and loss throws you on this journey with no warning and with no map...you are left to just figure it out...and thats just what you are left to do...firgure it out. Done are the days that i have answers for those with problems or questions...now i just listen...because if i find no value in the words of advice that most give i highly doubt many value what words i speak...for the truth is this is life...we have to figure it out and choose whats best for us as a person.  i am trying to find myself and see myself and be myself thru all of this. and i know it will take me day after day to do this - and it will take some time for me to firgure this life out without her...but i am trying...and thats all i can do. I remind myself i am not a gallon of milk...grief doens't have an expiration date.

Am i in the best place possible...no...but i also know i don't want to stay where i am at...i will move again...and yet often i will return to this darkness - it will be something i will battle for the rest of my life...learning to embrace this life without her and letting go of the life with her...it will take a lifetime and then some...but i will always try and sometimes that just means trying again tomorrow. or even just saying this is how it is...this is my truth...this is the me that i am right now...please be gentle. to those who are struggling...and to those who are struggling be gentle with yourself as well.

Habits

We all have them...quirks we always catch ourselves doing without even realizing it. I tend to bite or chew the inside of my lip or mouth...crack my knuckles...sleep on this side of the bed...only eat purple colored / grape flavored candy...the list goes on...i have added one to the things that fall under habits..

I have yet to decide if its normal...if its healthy....then i realized it doesn't matter...its real...its me and well that makes it OK no matter what people may think...i  tend to go to the funeral home website and read my mom's obituary...how often doesn't matter...but let's just say its enough to finally add the link to my favorites to make finding it a lot faster.

Most of the time i just sit there and let my brain process it...its a long process...thoughts race thru my head...this is real...this is her obituary....this is proof that she is gone...this isn't a dream or a nightmare - its real life...its a process like i said...basically everyday where i have to remind myself more times than i can count that she isn't here..thats she's gone...i have to say gone because the word dead...well i am not there yet...i still can't link that word with my mom...i know its a fact thats just what she is or just what happened but my mind my heart my soul just can't use that word when thinking of her...soi say she's gone...it softens the blow...kind of....

The truth of the matter is its a journey letting go of someone...grief is a journey that well i am not able to understand nor explain...so i take it day by day...ok most often i take it moment by moment. i know i am slowly letting her go in the way that she would want...i am still working on it...gosh darnit i miss her...there's no words for the feelings and emotions you find yourself thinking and feeling..she was sure something...reading her obituary over and over i am reminded that this amazing woman i out of all people were given the amazing gift of calling her my best friend and best of all my mom.

habits...we all have them...some we are proud of...some we aren't aware we have...some we need to change and others we just plain need to accept this is who we are...

Processing.

The last year or maybe longer  my posts have been few and far between. The words just haven't been there...the thoughts the feelings the emotion are deep but i have found i lack the words to express describe and explain. They are slowly coming to me. I am still processing what has happened in the last 6 months - actually i am still processing what has happened in the last year to two... I have found the only thing i could do at the time was live it - not process it. not think. not understand. not feel...to just get thru the moment and figure it out later...my later is now here and i am starting to go thru this entire process of what happened when it happened how it happened.  I still can't believe she is gone. that cancer took her - the way it took her. its a lot to process - i am starting to realize it will take time - alot of time... the only thing i truly know is that i miss her, my mom, terribly.

QUOTE CHAT : 32

She's gone, Michelle. She's gone.

I often find myself in moments where I have forgotten my reality.  Each day when i open my eyes to take on the day there is a fleeting moment where she isn't gone. That life feels normal - where I feel normal and full.  A thought will cross my mind - oh I should call her - i think...Then I am reminded on life's reality... She's gone, Michelle.  She's gone.  Most times I feel like I lose her all over again - multiple times a day.  It hits like a truck driving full speed ahead with a load of steel, stone and brick....it slams into me and drops me to my knees.  She's gone, Michelle.  She's gone... Those moments replay over and over - following no pattern.  Sorrow and Grief don't care when they spring it on you - they appear without notice and settle in for a long stay.  There is no escaping them - they find you no matter where you hide.  A good day - an okay day is quickly changed for i am reminded...she's gone, Michelle. she's gone...how does it still feel like a dream...how does it feel like this isn't reality... when will my mind wrap around the solid never turning back absolute fact - she's gone. When will my soul accept this... when will i have to stop reminding myself - she's gone, Michelle.  she's gone... oh how i long to be near her.  oh how i long to hear her voice, feel her next to me.  to hear her say Michelle, its ok. oh how i long to hear her laugh and she her smile.  To feel her strength and warmness flood over me. Oh how i long for life's reality not to be she's gone...but rather she is here...i want her here. i need her here. oh how i soo dearly miss my mom.

Morgan Marie - 7/7/14

 On July 7, 2014 @ 1:12pmWe welcomed Morgan Marie Goldmann - coming in at 9lb 7oz 21 inches long.  She right away reminded us all of her big sister Taylor.  Morgan was due on June 28 which happens to be her Granny's birthday - we figure she was having just too much fun with Granny and didn't want to join the clan of crazies that were awaiting her arrival.  Morgan arrived 21 days after the passing of her Granny - we so badly wanted her to come early to meet and have Granny time here on earth and when that wasn't able to happen we wanted her to come on Granny's birthday - but maybe we had it all wrong maybe she was suppose to come in July to bring us hope that better months lie ahead - that June had passed and it was time to embrace July and the only way to do that was to have this sweet baby girl arrive in a new month to bring new hope to life.

 Taylor from day one has been the HOPE in our lives...Thats just what she gave to my mom as she fought cancer - she fought so hard for her Taylor Time here on earth - it was something she did not want to give up.  With Morgan she is our LIGHT.  Coming here to help lead us out of the darkness of grief and sorrow - she has brought with her the faith in the gift of life - just the miracle that it is.  Morgan and Taylor will always be our JOY that much I know for sure.  Both provide endless smiles and fill our hearts with love.

 I will admit there are days I get pretty upset and life just feels so off without having Mom/Granny here. I have hundreds of photos of Taylor and Granny and not a single one of Granny and Morgan - that bothers me greatly.  But maybe just maybe Morgan spent time with Granny before she arrived - and there's a great chance the two of them have a connection - their souls grounded in the other in ways we will never know or understand - maybe its Morgan who knows my mom best and my mom that knows Morgan best. Maybe thats the case or maybe thats what we tell ourselves to bare things and get thru hard times.

What I do know is that Morgan is loved and will be loved always.  I hold her in my arms and just look at her with wonder - I wonder will she be crazy like her big sister and always on the go go go or will she be laid back and take in life at a slower pace.  What will be her story - that we won't know for some time but I am confident it won't matter what she does - who she is or where she goes in life - she will always be loved by her godmother and auntie chellie.  I am not Granny - those are shoes that will never fit correctly for me to walk in but i can always be the aunt that makes time - the aunt who loves thru it all - the aunt that is always up for an adventure and is always welcoming with a listening ear.  The aunt who always makes Morgan and Taylor feel loved in a way that being just who they are is always always enough.  Morgan, our family is crazy - we are full of adventure - a tad on the wild side and we live life right to the limits - nothing we do is normal but we sure do have fun and we sure do and always will love you.  Welcome Morgan Marie.

6.16.2014

 This is the post i forever feared to write - the post i have put forever off writing... i guess if i finally made the post it would make it official - as if publishing a post on a blog makes it official. On June 16, 2014 at 11:38am my mom, Paula Marie (Koch) Goldmann took her final breath and let go of this life  after an almost four year battle with stage four breast cancer. Funny how four years ago I feared this very thing - losing her...it is now a reality. i remembered thinking i would be prepared and i would handle her death in a certain way - turns out nothing can prepare you for that kind of life shattering loss.

 I believe we will all have a great loss in our life - a loss that will rock your entire life to its core - that will forever alter who you are and the way you live your life...losing my mother is mine.  As much as i love my family - my dad - my brothers i always viewed losing her as the worse possible person to have to live this life without...turns out i was smack dab on with that. 

 Most days i will wake up and there will be a split second where i feel semi-normal then losing her comes flooding back and i realize my life is like a bomb dropping site - and i just some how was left untouched. I spent 33 years on this earth with her living and loving life...now i feel as if i am living a life that doesn't fit me anymore - yet i have no clue what i am suppose to do or where i am suppose to be. She was my compass my north the one that grounded me and kept me on course - i literally had no idea just how much was  linked back to her.

 i know she would want me to be happy would want me to live this life fully - and one day i know i will get better at this whole living with out her thing...i am not nearyt there but i will get better at dealing with the loss of her. One thing i know for certain i am forever changed with the loss of this woman who walked this world for 61 years.  i keep hearing her words "michelle its ok to visit sorrow and darkness - to revisit it and stay for periods of time but don't make it a home." oh how i long to have some sign she is ok that she is somewhere  full of peace and at ease - oh how i long to feel her...for now in many ways i feel like i dreamed her to life.  i know the love she gave me - the strength and lessons she provided me to face this life without her - i know the blessings i was given to be her daughter but i can know all of that and it still doesn't change the simple fact that i miss her with every breath of my being. i sit on my bed at night holding a zip lock bag full of her clean socks...given my hatred and dislike for feet i find this somewhat amusing that i do this - i grad as many socks as i can hold and bring them close to my face and breath her in - and its then i fully know and realize she was real she was here she loved me and raised me she laughed she smiled she lived and she fought and she didn't want to leave but it wasn't her choice - she held on til the end fighting for every breath to be with us - that was the depth of her being the depth of her love for us - she didn't want to leave but had too. If she could endure almost four years of battling cancer we can endure the loss of her for it means she is finally at peace.  Our hearts are full but broken...life goes on and we know thats what she would want for all of us.  Oh how we miss you mom, oh how we love you.