The Strawberry Blonde

She was a face that i just couldn't place - someone i felt like i knew.  Thoughts going across my mind - i know her  - i am positive but the where, when and the how's just couldn't be linked together.  Our paths would cross here and there from time to time but i never thought anything of it. I figured she just had a friendly face with the kind of smile that makes her seem like you knew her - the kind of smile that wasn't easy to forget.

Life happened ... the huge blow of a loss was dealt. My life in chaos - my being lost in that mess of grief - sadness and struggle.  The loss of my mom and best friend launched me into a darkness of twists and turns.  During perhaps the worse time of my entire life the strawberry blonde walked into my life again - she showed up in the strangest and most random of places...at a mentoring running club for young girls. She didn't do anything special - she didn't know my story...she simply flashed me a smile and had this kindness about her. Fleeting for me is feeling at ease - yet i would feel just that around her, her smile got me to just breathe.  her laugh would spark a smile across my face. Her energy shot light into my darkness. At first I just brushed it all off...but week after week she just offered me more kindness and simple friendship in the most calming of ways. I found myself just grateful for the simplest acts of thoughfulness she provided without a thought to it, she had no clue what meaning those acts carry - and to be honest even now she still doesn't have the slightest hint.  Which tells me fully and completely she's real - she isn't fake.  She is simply just a good down to earth person who is genuine and sincere not just with her words but best of all with her actions.

What a blessing she has been to my life in these last months.  Our friendship has been formed and her friendship is something i find myself utterly grateful to have in my life. She has found it worth her while to befriend me - even thou the me - I am right now isn't the best verison of a person one would want to claim as their friend. But she sees pass the darkness - the brokeness -the uglyiness...she sees pass the trainwrecks filled with endless emotions ...and somehow sees me...and shockingly i allow her to see me and know me in such states, where i have struggled to let so many love ones see and help me during this time. But becasue of her friendship it has helped me allow those who so badly want to be there for me, in. I often think what did i ever do to deserve such people and such friendships into my life.

For 33 years i shared it all with only one person...and having that person taken from my life has left a void and emptiness in me that i know will never be filled...yet i am starting to think that my mom somehow has something to do with this strawberry blonde walking into my life...i believe she sent her...because she knew i needed her...and i think the color of her hair was the sign to let me know she was behind it all. i still don't truly know...and i prolly never will...and thats ok...what matters is i now claim this girl as my friend...my hope is to one day step up and be such a friend to her in return...to better her life in the same way she has enhanced and helped restore parts of mine...she is the friend i truly need that much i know for certain...there's only one true person that knows just what i need...she is the only one that knows what was taken when she left...and though she will never be replaced - she somehow found someone she believes will offer me the friendship - support and strength i have been lacking with her absent from my life.  To this strawberry blonde...you have become a life-line to my being. A light in my darkness. A laugh to my endless tears. Though you aren't here to save me, you show me and remind me that i am capable of saving myself. Thank you for seeing past it all and just seeing me...the me she always saw...i am beyond honored to call you, my friend. 

run...

I tie my shoes and head for the trail...its just me and my thoughts and the only place i now hear you. to those who pass by me - i am sure they wonder is this girl ok...should i stop and ask her if she is good? i often have to stop tears streaming down my face that fog my vision. a million thoughts cross my mind...the life i lived with her...the journey of battling cancer...the suffering, pain and struggle of the end...letting her go...the life that now exists without her. all the convos over the 33 years of our times together play in my mind - just pieces - words here and there pop in my head. i try so hard to recall it all to remember it all. i run...i run...trying to get to you...but i will never reach you...my heart feels like it will burst with sorrow. my lungs hurt...my bones hurt...its physical pain that i welcome for the soul pain the pain of losing you i can barely take it...how can one miss someone to the point their bones hurt...their entire body can hurt...how can one feel so broken yet not show one physical sign of being broken...i run...to what i don't know...in hopes of finding peace for my heart. for my mind. for my soul...yet i know i won't find it...i run...to try to clear my thoughts...to clear my mind but it doesn't work...i am consumed with missing you...thoughts of only you...is this the story of my life now...how to live without you...i don't stop because i think of you struggling to even take a step...so i run faster...i don't stop because i think of you grasping for air so i run farther...imagines of you throwing up endlessly and still having a smile on your face saying its ok...i am ok...i don't stop...i don't stop because i think of your suffering, your pain your struggle your battle and go harder...i slam my foot to the ground in hopes it wil prove some point to myself that with running i can make this better...but it doesn't work...a song comes on and i lose it to the point i have to stop and sit behind a tree and just cry...i can't even catch my breath...snot is over taking how much i am even sweating...i laugh and think no wonder why these runs take me forever to complete - too many emotional detours and delays...i listen to the words and they are speaking right too me...

"Fight hard on a night like this
Look for a star and wish
You could get out of it

Bite down and then pray, pray, pray
You'll make it through this to sing and say
You hold life dear

Moments turn to hours which become years...
And now I'm

Far from here, and we are happy
Far from here, we are all right
Far from here, things are peacful
Far from here, we have insight
Far from here, we've detangles
Our strangled hold
And I hope to see you there

Rise high out of this whole scene
Look down and separate yourself
From your worst dream

Then fly far and then stay, stay, stay
Out of the way until the coast
Is clear and safe

Moments turn to hours that become years...
And now I'm

Far from here, and we are happy
Far from here, we are all right
Far from here, things are peaceful
Far from here, we have insight
Far from here, we've detangled
Our strangled hold
And I hope to see you there

Oh, it's hard to imagine
The things that we survive
Will we understand it all
One day when we arrive?

Far from here, and we are happy
Far from here, we are all right
Far from here, things are peaceful
Far from here, we have insight
Far from here, we are laughing
Far from here, we are thankful
Far from here, we're forgiven
And for that we are grateful
Far from here, we've detangled
Our strangled hold
And I hope to see you there

I'll see you there

i run...i run...for healing that sometimes i wonder if i will ever find...i take a breath...i wipe my tears and get up and start running again...the thoughts...the memories...all of her come rushing back...and i run...gosh do i miss her with my entire being.

how can this be...

I wake up and one thought repeats in my mind...how can this be...how can this be real life...how can this be reality...how can you be gone...how can this be...i lay in the darkness eyelids so heavy but never close...how can this be...my mind can't comprehend the reality of the fact you aren't here...that you are gone...i can't grasp nor understand. how can this be...how can i feel so much and yet not feel anything at all...I just long to hear your voice - to talk about nothing at all - to be in the simplest of moments with you - to be just left intoxicated by your presences...to feel your warmth, kindness and love. how could so much of who i am simply be traced back to you.  how does my body continue to run and function without half of its parts...how can this be...i try so hard to focus to feel you...but i always fall up short...what am i doing wrong i wonder...or is this just something one says to bring you comfort never to realize that it actually brings you anything but...i don't feel you. how can this be...you have been gone almost ten months and it seems like years and years...did i make you up...were you really here... this is all bigger than what i can grasp - comprehend and understand. How can this be.... all i know is i miss you. i miss you so terribly much.

am i still me...

In the past over eight months I have lived a life where most often i feel like a slug without its shell. In many ways  like a zombie just walking through the motions. All i hear are the same things over and over...embrace your life...be happy thats what she would want...go talk to someone. do this. be that. keep it together....the thing is...one doesn't have a clue until one is in a position of recovering from loss and trying to piece together a life that fit so perfectly together prior to when the bomb went off...words they offer no comfort to me anymore...regardless of how one thinks they are coming off or will come off...this is life not a pep talk for some big game...i often have the line they are meaning well come across my mind yet in the end words these days seem to do more damage than good. i get all these things that my mom wants for me. dreams for me...i know better than anyone because she told me...her words are what echos in my mind. in my heart. in my soul. Her gentle voice that comes to me in the my darkest of moments. yet that doesn't just magically just snap me into an alter universe where all of sudden i am whole. i am complete...i am me...

the truth of the matter is i have had half of my soul rip from me...and i am doing the best i can day by day and sometimes i have to take it hour by hour. i am not looking for anyone to fix me or make it better...because the truth is that won't lead me to the place i long to one day be...i long to be the person that i am...the person i am growing and becoming ... the person that i am capable of being and becoming. the person my mom knew me to be...the person my mom dreamed and wished me to be...and in order to be that person i have to do things the way i need to do them. Call it being stubborn or thick headed or call it simply as a girl willing to just go her own way. i have no clue what i am doing is right or wrong....most days i don't feel at all like the person that i was...and often wornder am i still me or will i ever still be me one day? Grief and loss throws you on this journey with no warning and with no map...you are left to just figure it out...and thats just what you are left to do...firgure it out. Done are the days that i have answers for those with problems or questions...now i just listen...because if i find no value in the words of advice that most give i highly doubt many value what words i speak...for the truth is this is life...we have to figure it out and choose whats best for us as a person.  i am trying to find myself and see myself and be myself thru all of this. and i know it will take me day after day to do this - and it will take some time for me to firgure this life out without her...but i am trying...and thats all i can do. I remind myself i am not a gallon of milk...grief doens't have an expiration date.

Am i in the best place possible...no...but i also know i don't want to stay where i am at...i will move again...and yet often i will return to this darkness - it will be something i will battle for the rest of my life...learning to embrace this life without her and letting go of the life with her...it will take a lifetime and then some...but i will always try and sometimes that just means trying again tomorrow. or even just saying this is how it is...this is my truth...this is the me that i am right now...please be gentle. to those who are struggling...and to those who are struggling be gentle with yourself as well.

Habits

We all have them...quirks we always catch ourselves doing without even realizing it. I tend to bite or chew the inside of my lip or mouth...crack my knuckles...sleep on this side of the bed...only eat purple colored / grape flavored candy...the list goes on...i have added one to the things that fall under habits..

I have yet to decide if its normal...if its healthy....then i realized it doesn't matter...its real...its me and well that makes it OK no matter what people may think...i  tend to go to the funeral home website and read my mom's obituary...how often doesn't matter...but let's just say its enough to finally add the link to my favorites to make finding it a lot faster.

Most of the time i just sit there and let my brain process it...its a long process...thoughts race thru my head...this is real...this is her obituary....this is proof that she is gone...this isn't a dream or a nightmare - its real life...its a process like i said...basically everyday where i have to remind myself more times than i can count that she isn't here..thats she's gone...i have to say gone because the word dead...well i am not there yet...i still can't link that word with my mom...i know its a fact thats just what she is or just what happened but my mind my heart my soul just can't use that word when thinking of her...soi say she's gone...it softens the blow...kind of....

The truth of the matter is its a journey letting go of someone...grief is a journey that well i am not able to understand nor explain...so i take it day by day...ok most often i take it moment by moment. i know i am slowly letting her go in the way that she would want...i am still working on it...gosh darnit i miss her...there's no words for the feelings and emotions you find yourself thinking and feeling..she was sure something...reading her obituary over and over i am reminded that this amazing woman i out of all people were given the amazing gift of calling her my best friend and best of all my mom.

habits...we all have them...some we are proud of...some we aren't aware we have...some we need to change and others we just plain need to accept this is who we are...

Processing.

The last year or maybe longer  my posts have been few and far between. The words just haven't been there...the thoughts the feelings the emotion are deep but i have found i lack the words to express describe and explain. They are slowly coming to me. I am still processing what has happened in the last 6 months - actually i am still processing what has happened in the last year to two... I have found the only thing i could do at the time was live it - not process it. not think. not understand. not feel...to just get thru the moment and figure it out later...my later is now here and i am starting to go thru this entire process of what happened when it happened how it happened.  I still can't believe she is gone. that cancer took her - the way it took her. its a lot to process - i am starting to realize it will take time - alot of time... the only thing i truly know is that i miss her, my mom, terribly.

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