Lost Friendship

We all have them. We have all had certain friendships that we find ourselves growing apart from. Sometimes its a lost friendship resutling in a lie. A betrayal. A hurtful act. Sometimes its a lost frienship resulting in chapters ending and chapters starting that force us to grow in different directions. Sometimes its a postive growth apart. For we realize what true friendship is... Because it lasts no matter what may happen and we find that even if we grow apart with true friends you grow towards each other.

Yet every once in awhile we run into friends and we wonder what happened. Or we stumble across a photo from a summer or a college day. And we find ourselves wondering could we have made more of an effort? Was it a friendship that was only suppose to last just that chapter? I have a friend that doesn't want anything to deal with me. Who doesn't return my calls emails or texts. You would think when you have so many people in your life...so many friends it wouldn't matter.

But it matters greatly to me because of the fact that one friendship portraits the friend that I never want to be. To me it means in so ways I am not the person I think I am or always thought I was... And the thing is I have no true answers to what brought us here. Just one day the emails didn't reply back. One day the phone kept ringing and its been that way since.

I am not a person who gives up on people but after awhile I realize I have no choice but to just let go... And yes I am still getting use to the fact that I can't answer the phone on the other line. And yes I have to stop myself from time to time so I don't send yet another text or email. You just have to let some things go in life.

Its a hard lesson I am learning because I have never had a friendship where I have completely failed to the point where the person wants nothing to do with me... Even with friendships that you grow apart from you never miss a chance to catch up with when given the chance. I wish that was the case here. Maybe someday we will figure it out. Maybe not. Maybe we aren't suppose to remain friends with all people in this life. Maybe we are given such people in our lives to learn important life lessons. To realize we are human. To realize we all make mistakes. Even esp when we don't realize we are doing them. I don't know if it was me or them... But the truth is it doesn't matter what got us here... We are here. What matters is where we go from here and how I chose to be from this moment on. Sometimes failure isn't in walking away but in standing still. To say you tried everything you could to be the friend they needed and they chose not to have such a friend. I know deep down I will always think of it as a regret of a friendship I pushed out of my life and not let grow slowing out at its own time. Yet I have learned my lessons from this and have grown as a person and friend... Which makes me strangely thankful for this moment and struggle. I no longer carry the weight of failure with me... It got to be too much to carry. And I hope somewhere they have dropped the weight too. I am sorry...I forgive you with hopes if your reading this that you forgive me. And I hope you know that my friendship is something I never take back which means if you ever find yourself dialing my number I promise I will answer.

One Day i Hope...

I went to the Time Traveler's Wife... Thou it prolli isn't the best movie ever I couldn't help but get sucker-ed in (if that's a word). I am a BIG cheese for love movies. And Rachel McAdams tends to portray a woman madly and deeply in love to the point where you think its her actual love life and not a movie.

I left that movie theater thinking bout my love life or shall I say the lack of such thing that I have in my life. I do long to have eyes that reflect the love I have for that special guy. I dream of being silly and laughing with him. I hope for a future with such random fun happy loved filled moments that are spent with him. The type of moments that make up your everyday life. I do dream hope and wish for this guy to walk into my life. I wonder if it will ever happen or if he already did and I let him walk out. I do know my life isn't less because I don't have him in it nor am I not complete because I lack his love... BUT well a girl can't help but dream a little even if I only find myself doing it in dark movie theaters... That's the only time I truly find myself thinking truly thinking about my life in such a way... Prolli why I am a sucker for all love story type movies.

One day I hope to live such a life and not have to watch it... Someday. Until then I will settle for watching people like Rachel McAdams-who make falling in love so easy. And who also looks amazing when supposely she has just woken up... Gotta love the make up artists. Besides I prolli will always be a love sucker fool whether I am single dating or married... Its who I am and who I will be regardless if I take in the movies with friends, the someday guy or alone... And I am proud to say that I would be who I am constantly and no guy would change that. Its a take me or leave me sort of deal.

A prayer for the bride and groom

As I sit in a pew at the wedding of Carla Pederson and Brandon Saeger... I watch two lives come together and two paths become one journey. A radiant bride who in a word is perect. Is beautiful. A kind and excited groom. They are committing their lives to each other. Today ends the solo dreams of their lives and starts the dreams of the things to come as husband and wife.

I have been to so many wedding I have also lost count which number this is... But yet it doesn't matter how many I have been too... Watching the bride and groom and seeing that love pour thru every part of them. Seeing the huge smiles and eyes reflecting the image of the person they have chosen to spend their days with never seems to get old to me. Today is their perfect day filled with a future of complete love and happiness. Today is their day filled with hope of a gentle and happy days to come. Days that don't know of struggle. Of pain. Of tears. Of hate. Of sorrow. Only days that are filled of smiles. Of laughter. Of life. Of love. Of happiness. Of hope.

I don't know what the days to come are filled with for this young couple but I pray and hope like I do at all weddings for all bride and groom's that they are blessed with double the happiness and love and half of sorrow and struggles. I hope life's gentle with them... Thou its not always the case... Than I pray that it grants them the strength to keep goin thru the darkness til they reach the light. For even when life brings its darkest storms it also reveals in us the strength that lies within us to battle those stroms. I hope that not just all couples know this but also all people... Dating married or single know this as well.

All the strength you ever need lies within YOU.

Just LiVE it...

Who said you had to have your act COMPLETELY together, when you reached a certain age. Who said in order to be successful there's a checklist of things in your life that must be built-owned-reached and checked off...a list of items such as first car purchase-down payment on a 3 bedroom 2.5 bath ranch split level with a view of your neighbors who are way too close. {I am still trying to learn about the differences between a ranch style house and colonial. I can't even begin to imagine the knowledge I would have to required to understand the paper work that comes with owning a house. } Then with that house comes things like filling in the rooms. Rooms that right now would only required me to purchase more...crap... I mean how much does one single late 20's girl need? I know from the outside looking in I prolli live a life that well no one understand... and on some days myself included. But when you get down to it life isn't meant to be understood...its meant to be lived. People may take the time to judge you... let them... its their time that is wasting. And with me... I usually miss half of it (I have never been thankful for only having one ear of complete hearing...but as the days past I have found it to be a great advantage in more ways than one.)

Some may feel my life is incomplete..some may feel that my life is something to envy. But the truth is... its as plain as its to say its MY life. Just as your life is YOURS... You need not anyone to understand... yourself included... JUST LIVE IT... To depths of your soul from the top of your head down to your toes. Embrace it. Live it. Love it. Every minute of it... I take that back every second of it. Laugh. Smile. WAY TOO MUCH. Be gentle. Be kind. To others and most importantly yourself. Realize that even when you struggle to understand it... LIFE has a meaning that one day you will know. TRUST that your journey is taking you all the places it needs to... TRUST that your journey is bringing you to all the people you truly NEED in your life... TRUST that your journey brings the trials, struggles, challenges, life lessons and changes into your life for a meaning of great purpose... TRUST that YOUR JOURNEY knows just where to lead you... in order for you to become the person you were always meant to be...

One day... it will all come together. One day... even I will understand the life I live... until then... I plan on to just live it. I encourage YOU... to do the same... JUST LIVE IT!

Those DAYS...

You ever have those days where you just find yourself thankful...grateful...blessed. for no reason and for all reasons. You ever have those days where you are just content. just happy. just finding a smile always across your face. Just always laughing... You ever have those days where everything could be going completely not your way yet it doesn't wreck your day at all? where you could spill drop everything you hold...yet it doesn't matter. You ever have those days where you find yourself thinking about nothing yet having the best thoughts ever? You ever have those days where you are drifting off into your own world and loving every second of it yet not remembering a minute of it. You ever have those days where your surroundings just completely take your breath away... the kind of day that the clouds just amaze you or the kind of day that ends with a once in a lifetime sunset that there just aren't any words to describe. TODAY... I had one of those days.... and to be honest I have found myself having those kind of days more than once or twice. I am so grateful...thankful and blessed for those kind of days... those kind of days where nothing special is going on... its not a wedding... a birth... a birthday... a celebration... its just a normal average everyday sort of day. the kind of days you are so glad to say... this is my life... this is how i live my life. I know how special those days are because like marbles in a jar someday I will pull my last marble from the jar... and well if I can say that I spent my "normal-average-everyday sort of day" having those kind of days... well... that's pretty darn cool way of living and spending this life.

Breath of New Life

Sharlotte Marie Koch was born on July 24, 2009. As I held her in my arms being just around 5 hours old... I breathed her in... for she is pure life... she is pure perfection... she is pure joy-love-happiness. There is not one single thing wrong with her. Holding her in my arms I realized the miracle that she is. As I found myself looking down at her... i thought of all that was to come in her life. All of the dreams she will dream... some she will reach some she won't. I thought of all she will see... do... feel... I thought of all the people she will have in her life... All the happiness and love she will bring to others as well as others bring to her. Five hours old and I love her as much as I love her sisters Sabrina and Sadey. Five hours old and she has no clue the changes she has brought to the lives that already love her dearly.

I sat there for quite some time watching my cousin Travis smile... he was glowing... he was proud. A father of now three... three daughters... something I am sure he will find himself stressed at times and maybe even a head full of gray... you know the things girls do to their fathers. But on that day... he was on cloud nine. And I was so happy to see him so happy. I am blessed to call Travis, Jill, Sabrina, Sadey and now Sharlotte family. I am grateful for their kindness and love. I am proud to be a part of the Koch Family because of moments like these. Its times like this I am glad to be a part of an amazing family. For I know one day Sharlotte will feel this same love. And she will be MORE because of the love she is given from her family.

Welcome our little miracle Sharlotte Marie. YOU ARE FINALLY HERE... oh how we have waited for you to enter our lives... and now that you are here... you are even better than what we dreamed and hoped for... you are the breath of new life... you are perfection... you are a miracle... but above all... YOU ARE LOVED... now and ALWAYS...

Golfin in Paradise

365 days...has it been enough time Ken for you to golf all the courses in Paradise? I can just picture you living the dream...golfing smiling laughing and making wise cracks. Which I know makes carrying on down here for your family and friends a bit easier. Know you are missed by many. Oxbow just doesn't seem the same without your presences smile laughter and jokes. I hope you are enjoyin this time that you are spending with your grand daughter before she arrives to send a lifetime wit us!! We look forward to her arrival for I know a little Ken she will have in her! Just as Ethan and Gavin have. Rest well and here's to many perfect golf days for you in paradise.