QUOTE CHAT : 32

She's gone, Michelle. She's gone.

I often find myself in moments where I have forgotten my reality.  Each day when i open my eyes to take on the day there is a fleeting moment where she isn't gone. That life feels normal - where I feel normal and full.  A thought will cross my mind - oh I should call her - i think...Then I am reminded on life's reality... She's gone, Michelle.  She's gone.  Most times I feel like I lose her all over again - multiple times a day.  It hits like a truck driving full speed ahead with a load of steel, stone and brick....it slams into me and drops me to my knees.  She's gone, Michelle.  She's gone... Those moments replay over and over - following no pattern.  Sorrow and Grief don't care when they spring it on you - they appear without notice and settle in for a long stay.  There is no escaping them - they find you no matter where you hide.  A good day - an okay day is quickly changed for i am reminded...she's gone, Michelle. she's gone...how does it still feel like a dream...how does it feel like this isn't reality... when will my mind wrap around the solid never turning back absolute fact - she's gone. When will my soul accept this... when will i have to stop reminding myself - she's gone, Michelle.  she's gone... oh how i long to be near her.  oh how i long to hear her voice, feel her next to me.  to hear her say Michelle, its ok. oh how i long to hear her laugh and she her smile.  To feel her strength and warmness flood over me. Oh how i long for life's reality not to be she's gone...but rather she is here...i want her here. i need her here. oh how i soo dearly miss my mom.

Morgan Marie - 7/7/14

 On July 7, 2014 @ 1:12pmWe welcomed Morgan Marie Goldmann - coming in at 9lb 7oz 21 inches long.  She right away reminded us all of her big sister Taylor.  Morgan was due on June 28 which happens to be her Granny's birthday - we figure she was having just too much fun with Granny and didn't want to join the clan of crazies that were awaiting her arrival.  Morgan arrived 21 days after the passing of her Granny - we so badly wanted her to come early to meet and have Granny time here on earth and when that wasn't able to happen we wanted her to come on Granny's birthday - but maybe we had it all wrong maybe she was suppose to come in July to bring us hope that better months lie ahead - that June had passed and it was time to embrace July and the only way to do that was to have this sweet baby girl arrive in a new month to bring new hope to life.

 Taylor from day one has been the HOPE in our lives...Thats just what she gave to my mom as she fought cancer - she fought so hard for her Taylor Time here on earth - it was something she did not want to give up.  With Morgan she is our LIGHT.  Coming here to help lead us out of the darkness of grief and sorrow - she has brought with her the faith in the gift of life - just the miracle that it is.  Morgan and Taylor will always be our JOY that much I know for sure.  Both provide endless smiles and fill our hearts with love.

 I will admit there are days I get pretty upset and life just feels so off without having Mom/Granny here. I have hundreds of photos of Taylor and Granny and not a single one of Granny and Morgan - that bothers me greatly.  But maybe just maybe Morgan spent time with Granny before she arrived - and there's a great chance the two of them have a connection - their souls grounded in the other in ways we will never know or understand - maybe its Morgan who knows my mom best and my mom that knows Morgan best. Maybe thats the case or maybe thats what we tell ourselves to bare things and get thru hard times.

What I do know is that Morgan is loved and will be loved always.  I hold her in my arms and just look at her with wonder - I wonder will she be crazy like her big sister and always on the go go go or will she be laid back and take in life at a slower pace.  What will be her story - that we won't know for some time but I am confident it won't matter what she does - who she is or where she goes in life - she will always be loved by her godmother and auntie chellie.  I am not Granny - those are shoes that will never fit correctly for me to walk in but i can always be the aunt that makes time - the aunt who loves thru it all - the aunt that is always up for an adventure and is always welcoming with a listening ear.  The aunt who always makes Morgan and Taylor feel loved in a way that being just who they are is always always enough.  Morgan, our family is crazy - we are full of adventure - a tad on the wild side and we live life right to the limits - nothing we do is normal but we sure do have fun and we sure do and always will love you.  Welcome Morgan Marie.

6.16.2014

 This is the post i forever feared to write - the post i have put forever off writing... i guess if i finally made the post it would make it official - as if publishing a post on a blog makes it official. On June 16, 2014 at 11:38am my mom, Paula Marie (Koch) Goldmann took her final breath and let go of this life  after an almost four year battle with stage four breast cancer. Funny how four years ago I feared this very thing - losing her...it is now a reality. i remembered thinking i would be prepared and i would handle her death in a certain way - turns out nothing can prepare you for that kind of life shattering loss.

 I believe we will all have a great loss in our life - a loss that will rock your entire life to its core - that will forever alter who you are and the way you live your life...losing my mother is mine.  As much as i love my family - my dad - my brothers i always viewed losing her as the worse possible person to have to live this life without...turns out i was smack dab on with that. 

 Most days i will wake up and there will be a split second where i feel semi-normal then losing her comes flooding back and i realize my life is like a bomb dropping site - and i just some how was left untouched. I spent 33 years on this earth with her living and loving life...now i feel as if i am living a life that doesn't fit me anymore - yet i have no clue what i am suppose to do or where i am suppose to be. She was my compass my north the one that grounded me and kept me on course - i literally had no idea just how much was  linked back to her.

 i know she would want me to be happy would want me to live this life fully - and one day i know i will get better at this whole living with out her thing...i am not nearyt there but i will get better at dealing with the loss of her. One thing i know for certain i am forever changed with the loss of this woman who walked this world for 61 years.  i keep hearing her words "michelle its ok to visit sorrow and darkness - to revisit it and stay for periods of time but don't make it a home." oh how i long to have some sign she is ok that she is somewhere  full of peace and at ease - oh how i long to feel her...for now in many ways i feel like i dreamed her to life.  i know the love she gave me - the strength and lessons she provided me to face this life without her - i know the blessings i was given to be her daughter but i can know all of that and it still doesn't change the simple fact that i miss her with every breath of my being. i sit on my bed at night holding a zip lock bag full of her clean socks...given my hatred and dislike for feet i find this somewhat amusing that i do this - i grad as many socks as i can hold and bring them close to my face and breath her in - and its then i fully know and realize she was real she was here she loved me and raised me she laughed she smiled she lived and she fought and she didn't want to leave but it wasn't her choice - she held on til the end fighting for every breath to be with us - that was the depth of her being the depth of her love for us - she didn't want to leave but had too. If she could endure almost four years of battling cancer we can endure the loss of her for it means she is finally at peace.  Our hearts are full but broken...life goes on and we know thats what she would want for all of us.  Oh how we miss you mom, oh how we love you.

Happy 3rd Birthday Tay

 5.20.2014....how is it possible that you, Taylor are now three??? Where has the time gone? We remember awaiting your arrival with so much excitement and when we first saw you that was it...we were all head over heels over the moon for you...and that statement has remain true to this day. You are our favorite source of joy. You are a beautiful little girl that is ready to take on the world already. 

 You love to explore - to climb - to dance and sing.  Its always go go go with you.  Some how you have gotten us all to have dance parties in the living room and turned us all into at one point or another into a jungle gym.  You melt our hearts with your giggle and smile.

 We love the fact that when you play you truly play and aren't afraid to get dirty. There's never a dull moment when it comes to hanging out with you. You are beautiful but best of all you are kind and caring and so smart esp when it comes to techno stuff and putting together puzzles - you tend to be so very focused and deteremined to complete the task. You hate losing and we have tend to notice you can out climb and out run 4th grades. You are a tough little girl that falls down and doesn't shed a tear. Your legs are covered in bruises and cuts but they never seem to slow you down. You love to look out the big window and do I LOVE YOU THIS MUCH upon every goodbye.  Did i mention you hate goodbyes...and you get soo excited when you watch someone walk up the drive way to see you.

 So much encompasses who you are already yet you continue to grow change learn and become. You have no clue the things that you bring to our family by simply being you, Taylor.  Things like happiness, love and laughter but also strength comfort peace and hope to name a few. Did you know that you are one of the biggest reasons why your Granny fights this cancer so hard...so you can simply spend more time with you.  You are the best thing for her soul and you heal her in ways meds never could. We are so very blessed and grateful for the things you have brought into Granny's life...things that only you Tay could bring. You have made us whole and complete by being simply you.

 We want you to know that where ever you go in this life what ever you do that you being you is simply and always enough. You need to be nothing more than who you are.  We hope that we are always comfortable in your own skin.  That you will be loved no matter what - even when your naughty our love for you will never fade or cease to exist, it will only grow stronger. We believe that you can do anything you set your mind too...and you have only proven this thought to be true by the deteremation you hold when you set your mind to things like climbing swinging a bat or putting a puzzle together.

 This will be your last birthday as the only child.  For your sister will arrive in the coming weeks and well life will be drastically changing for you.  It will be hard at first sharing mommy and daddy but we know you will adapt and be a great big sister. We are confident you will lead the way and show her the ropes. I can already picture the trouble as well as the fun the two of you will have...I imagine your daddy will get a few gray hairs with the new role as daddy to two girls.

 Happy 3rd Birthday to you Taylor. Thou this life is full of many unknowns always know this...that you are loved beyond measure by so many. You have made so many people's lives MORE by just being here and being Taylor. We could not imagine life without you. We are forever changed all for the better the day you arrived and we look forward to celebrating many more birthdays with you and watching grow more and more into the Taylor Jean you are meant to become.

We love you already...

In roughly two weeks time my brother and sister in-law will be having a party to find out as a family what baby number two will be, who just happens to be due on Granny's birthday June 28. We will all gather and I am sure be on pins and needles withe excitement to see if you will find blue or pink that day.

Regardless if this is a baby boy or a baby girl I know one thing for certain he/she will be loved and accepted with welcoming arms by many.  My family and extend family may be well a little wild a little crazy a little loud a little strange and well there sure are alot of us one thing is for certain they are loving caring kind and even fun.So ya he/she will prolly be spoiled with not just endless love but prolly a few things as well...To me thou I really don't care if this child will sit down to pee or stay standing - I just want the child to be healthy - I want the child to be born when the time is ready at full term with no complications. I want a labor that is healthy for Shonna. I want the three of them( Paul, Shonna and Taylor) to leave as a family of three and return all together as a family of four. I have beome more and more aware of the miracle a baby is and just what a gift it truly is to have a healthy baby and mom. These are the prayers I pray. For I know it doesn't matter if the baby is a Broke or a Shelia in the end this baby will be just what our family needs and wants. This baby will complete us in ways we never knew we were missing out on. He/She will be a source of joy. a source of happiness. a source of love. a source of smiles and laughter....and our lives will never be the same again. I am positive I will find less room on my hard drive with photos of this perfect face volumed in mass numbers and chances are a few less dollars in my pocket because well you know I just couldn't say no...and well I couldn't imagine it any other way. The Goldmann family will be eight once this bundle of joy arrives and I am quite certain with time this child will be just as crazy just as wild just as fun just as loud as the rest of us...I am certain he/she will fit in right from the start.

I am Blessed.

Have you ever just stopped and reflected upon your life. Have you ever truly thought about the people that surround you, the people that have come and the people that have gone, the people that give your life meaning, the people that emcompass who you are, the people that hold the stories that make you - well you. Have you ... lately i have found myself spending alot of time in thought - reflecting. I have always been grateful for what I have been given in this life but even I have come to notice that sometimes I have no clue at all just how blessed my life has been.

33 years ago I was born into a family that has done nothing but love and support me from the moment I took my first breath. I was given two people to call Mom and Dad that have given me the roots to stay grounded in this life but wings to chase and achieve the life I dream to live. Two brothers that push me pass my limits and help me realize I am capable of even more. Their endless gaining up on me laid the foundation to build my source of strength.  A gal that I have come to call my true sister that has empowered me and provided me with a  source of strength to face life head on and to never back down. A sister in-law who has embraced my crazy not normal family as her own and simply loves us for who we are  never  trying to change us, I am quite positive its a role only she could fill.  A niece that reminds me to live right now in this moment and to have as much fun as you can - don't save the laughter smiles or happiness for later - dance for no reason even if there's no music...An extend family that have only gotten better and better with each year that has pass. A family that loves me just as I am - the crazy - wild - off on her own - lives life just a bit different from the rest self. It no longer comes as a surprise when I am out doing something off the wall or taking a life path so different from everyone else...it comes more as a shock when I am doing what everyone else is doing. They have stopped asking when I am going to settle down and have come to understand that I am fully and completely happy with my life just as it is right now in this moment...that if it happens someday great if it doesn't my life will not be any less. I realize the blessing it is to call these faces my family. I am honored to call those faces my family. I have come to grasp just how important these faces are to have around as we battle the journey of cancer. We have come closer as a family in whole in ways that I can't begin to describe or explain all I can truly say is I am just so very glad  they, each and everyone of them is here.

My life  has been filled with teachers, professors, coaches, and bosses that have taught me to believe in myself, to stand strong on my own two feet, to put in the sweat blood and tears - the work is worth it. My parents may have laid and supported the foundation in which I have built my life upon but its these people that installed the sound structure in which I have housed the core being of who I am. These people have pushed me inspired me motivated me believe in me and helped me realize my potential. Thru their lessons and words I have been able to break thru the glass ceiling and grasp many goals and dreams I never truly thought even possible. I am filled with gratitude when I think of these outstanding people who put in time to simply better my life.

Then there are those that I call my friends, whether I have known them all my life or for only a short time - whether they are my best friends or my co-workers - my classmates or my mates from downunder - whether they were in my life for one flitting moment or someone I only talk to every now and then. Those that I call my friend are people I will always have time for. Each and every single person has played a role in my life to shape and form who I am and by removing just one of them from my life I truly believe would alter who I am in ways even I can't imagine. Friends are those beings that share in this journey with us - who share our happiness and create memories with. They hold us up - they fill us up with laughter hope and friendship - they help us realize that we can endure the life that sets before us and that we are not alone. I owe so very much to those I call my friends.

I think of who I am...how I got here...how I have grown into this person that I am at this very moment...I am in no shape or form great...and well perfect is not ever a word I want linked to my name...but I am me...simply me is who I am...and its a me that I am quite happy to be...and because of all these people that I have in my life...those that have come and gone and those that have come and stayed I have come to know and believe with every ounce that makes up who I am...that I am enough just as I am, I am loved and accepted just as I am. I am humbled by all that has been given to me and humbled by the lives that have walked with me during this journey. It is because of these very people that I know I will endure whatever struggles changes challenges loss failure that comes my way... I will LOVEthisLIFE each and every step I take each and every breath I take...its the very least I can do for all they have done for me. I am  blessed.