Tuesday, October 28, 2008

One Step at a Time...

Hurry up and wait...
So close but so far away...
Everything that you always dreamed of close enough for you to taste but you just can touch!

We live and learn....
To take one step at a time! There's no need to rush

Its going to happen...When its suppose to happen... We find the reasons why... One step at a time....

These lyrics-this song seems to be my theme song...for life for success for love for my being for my future. And I think it can speak to just about anyone and applies to everything that someone would be facing in their life. For when life gets over your head...for when life gets too much...for when life is a never ending suffer-pain-tear...for when life is an endless question...for when life is an up hill battle...for when life has you down...for when life seems half empty...for when life feels like it isn't worth it... For when you feel weak... For when you aren't enough... For when you don't measure up. For when you fall short.. For when you fail. For when the future is filled with stress and worries... For when life throws you a curve. For when life changes everything... For when one chapter ends and another begins...you take a breath...you take a breath...and another and another then you take a step. It doesn't matter how small or how big--or when you take the next step.

Its not about how weak you may feel...Its about having enough confidence and strength in your 'true' being to realize you can overcome you can achieve anything you truly set your mind too...its not about the fall or how many times you stumble trip or face plant...its about getting back up and trying again--its not about how long it takes you to get back up---its about rising again. Its not about how many tears you shed---its about knowing you will smile and laugh again...its not about life ending due to a life lost a job lost a friendship lost a change a chapter ending--its about knowing that life goes on and much happiness lies out there for you to have and share. Its not about all you could have done--its about all you have done. Its not about plans and paths changing--its about a new jounrey to where you are truly meant to be...

Ya some life just comes to them...it seems! They live their dreams--but its never as it seems...we each find days where we breath breath breath and finally muscle up to take that step...for that's all it takes...one step!
"The journey of a 1000 miles or steps--whatever the sayin is" begins with one step.

So have the courage whatever you are facing however far your dreams may be whatever stage you are ending or starting whatever life may be throwing at you to take the step and well the rest most of the time just works itself out...if not you will deal with it when that time comes..have a little faith in life ... More importantly have a little faith in YOU! For you are stronger than you think. You are enough to be just who you are! And no matter what we may think we are never alone in this journey even when we face times where we may think people have no clue.

Here's to taking that one step!! Here's to taking control of our lives! And having faith in "its going to happen...when its suppose to happen." For you for me for everyone!

Saturday, October 25, 2008

My Joker

I spent the evening with my brother, Jacorian...who I simply call brother...or when my mom isn't in hearing distance...jackass...not because he is one....I say that name in the most loving way possible....Our mission was to find him a halloween costume...our time frame...under an hour....our over come....Jack the Joker...which I am happy to state won best costume at the party. Not bad for being thrown together at the last minute...and better yet...75 percent of the outfit was found at Savers. I had a blast with him, laughing with him...making such a simple memory that I will never forget...that I will always carry with me...because its such a Michelle and Jacorian memory.

Over the years I loved to hate this kid, growing up my brother was my best friend...yet there was NO WAY i would have admit it...And to this day there is no one I would rather travel with, drive with or spend the evening searching for halloween costumes with then him. He's something else all in himself. So much potential boils in his soul just waiting to boil out of his pours...yet he never lets it...I am confident it will happen one day!

I was so grateful for this evening...for this memory...Being the middle sister to two brothers has its ups and downs...you long for that connection that two brothers have or two sisters have (thankfully I have Jami so I in some way know). But I am often jealous of the relationship my brothers have with each other...their random jokes and inside stories. The fact that the two of them can not only talk but actually have a conversation over the phone together is something else....They both love me, and I know I have a special connection with the both of them together and apart....but...well let's just say I can't get either of them to talk to me on the phone like Paul can Jacorian or Jacorian can Paul...HOWEVER...somedays...especially on Cowboy, Laker, Mets game days...I am soo glad I don't!!

Tonight it was just Jacorian and Me...and it was everything being brother and sister was and is being all about. I miss those moments...I miss making those memories...So I will take them whenever I get them. The outcome...we ended up creating one badass JOKER....but it didn't come close to what the time together gave us or the memories we created. I am not so big on halloween or costumes but I am big on spending time with my kid brother.

Tuesday, October 21, 2008


Tonite was my cousin Sabrina's musical...so I sat in the sea of faces mostly belonging to parents and siblings gathered to support their children-brother or sister. And I found myself overcomed with pride as I watch my 5th grade cousin dressed up as a rat singing.

Over the years the relationship I have formed with Sabrina has been very unquie and special to me. Her younger sister Sadey is a lover. The love pours thru her pores. She isn't afraid to tell you she loves you and is the first to throw her arms around you for a hug. Its in her nature its her gift its just who she is. The look she gives you is purely the look of unconditional love--one I am not sure how I ever got.

With Sabrina in so many ways I see her as a mini-me. She tends to act a lot like I did at her age and to be honest in many ways like I am today. But after living with her for quite some time we have built a relationship that is more like sisters than cousins. I never realized just how much of an affect I had on her life until one night out of the blue she told me she loved having me live with them. Usually when I left for the weekend or they did Sadey would always and still does jump into my arms. Sabrina well like me at that age not so much its more of a nod. And with me I didn't ever want her to feel uncomfortable and I figured when she felt comfortable she would hug me...and that's just what happened. Those hugs mean a lot to me because I know just what they mean...I know what its like to not be able to speak the words sometimes. And it wasn't long after the hugs I got nitely from her the words started to follow after.

She's a pretty neat kid. A very smart organized responsible girl who loves history, reading, arts-crafts,photography and women's rights.she's a sponge when it comes to learning about editing photos and loves to take pictures..- think we might have a problem on our hands...

Sadey..she is hands on..an artist to the point her fingers are always stained with marker dye. Loves music and fashion. She's my punk rockstar. In fact she plays the PG verison almost way too well.
Both Sabrian and Sadey have become a huge part of my life and meaning. And I am blessed to call them both family. Spending random afternoons with them, evenings and weekends which are always filled with simple happiness. They make me smile and laugh. And when I find myself not living in their basement I miss them like crazy and often wonder what they are up to.

A relationship that I am beginning to think at times I am getting more out of than they are..I often feel I learn more from those two girls than they will ever learn from me. To watch them grow and be apart of their childhood in such a close special way is something I will always be honored to be apart of. I look forward to watching them grow into teenagers and adults. For I know much greatness lies in their souls. The kind of greatness that can make a difference and spark a change.
til that time comes I will cont to love them laugh with them smile with them watch the disney channel 24-7 and sing one step at a time as loudly as I can with them...they even get me to dance---sober. Sabrina and Sadey Koch have some how manage to both break down the wall of china--both in their own unquie special ways--and latch onto my heart.what can I say...they are rockstars!

Monday, October 20, 2008

you inspire me

What brings you joy? What makes you happy? What defines a great day? Is it an event, a person or simply the attitude we carry with us to face that day...to face everyday!

Life can be a struggle at times and it will knocK you down more times than you can count. There are reasons everyday to have a terrible grotten no good day...I look at the people in my life and I notice the courage they bring to the table everyday to live it. The inner battles some face dealing with illness, tradegy, loss, hurt, money problems-worries, job related stress and they rise above their inner darkness and carry on. They smile they laugh when its so easy to just crawl in a dark hole. They are dancing in the rain and jumping in the mud puddles.

Their will their attitude their courage their determination their faith their strength moves me..to live each second of the day to the very limit. They encourage me to rise and try try try again. Their grace they bring to life inspries me to be so much more than even I thought I could be. So many too many to name that give me reasons everyday to love this life even when it sucks. To laugh when its easier to cry to smile when all we may want to do is frown. To dream, to rise, to try, to have faith, to love, to hope, to believe when everything points us in the direction not too. For the secret of life lies in eyes that doesn't see black or white..they choose to see color...they choose to see the very best life still has to often when they experience the very worse. They rise again after the hardest of falls...with only one thought on the reason why we fall--so we learn how to rise.

Thank you for showing me how to truly live..how to truly love this life..not just during the sunshine but thru the rain...I am more because of the battles you face whether they be in the public eye or in the silence of your thoughts. I am a better person for watching you face life with grace courage faith strenght and will. For each day I am one step closer to knowing what the secret of life is truly all about!!

Sunday, October 19, 2008

Never forget and never will

They say you never forget when life changing events happen. My grandparents will never forget where they were when Pearl Habour was bombed or life in general in the years of the great depression. My parents will never forget where they were when JFK MLK and RFK were shot and killed. Like I won't forget when the attacks on Sept 11th happened. Those are all nation wide and world wide events when an event seems to stop time and you never forget because the world is never the same.

A year ago I still remember just where I stood it was a perfect october day and it happened to be the bison gopher game. And the bison had just beat the gophers.it was also my friend Mik's birthday and I can remember just who I was with. The bison beating the gophers wasn't life changing for me. In fact the news I received that fall afternoon really was only life changing to the Goldmann family and close friends of my grandmother's. Yet even hearing the loss of granny at the age of 88 seemed to have changed everything.

It was the first time when I truly realized that it doesn't matter how old they are or how many years you had with them...its never enough! So much can change in a year yet it doesn't seem its possible that its been a year. Because I still think of Granny each day and - have found I miss her more today than I did yesterday...and prolli always will until my time to see her comes.

I hope that you are healthy happy and loved wherever you are! Know that you are missed everyday by gramps, your family and you friends. And loved even more!

Wednesday, October 15, 2008

missing you in october

The world doesn't seem to be right when you reach important day or days thru out the year...birthdays anniv. Milestones and even dates of death and reaching those special days without that person there.

I often wonder esp on a loved one's birthday who is no longer on this earth who'd they be today? What moments would you have shared with them. What memories you would create?? I think of all the smiles laughs we would have had. I think of the talks the everday simple moments of life that we are robbed from having once that person leaves this world.

October is a month of birthdays and dates of leaving this world of esp two important people in my life that I can no longer share this journey we call life with.and I have found it doesn't matter if they left us ten years ago or just one year ago their being not here leaves a void all too deep to fill in my heart.

My grandmother would have been 89 four days ago and it was the first time in my 27 years of life that I didn't send her a card celebrate that day with her or call her. I found it to be a very hard day even thou she lived a full filled life. I missed her soft english voice and her smile. I miss the look of love and pride she carried in her eyes when she was looking into the eyes of her children and grandchildren.I just plain miss her and everything that emcompassed her being.

When you stopped by the house whether it be once a day or once every two months it was plain as day by the look on her face she was waiting just for you and you stopping for even five minutes made her entire day. But most of all I miss her hugs. The way she would clap her hands and spread her arms to wrap you in a loving embrace.I miss seeing her standing at the backsteps waving goodbye with gramps by her side sending kissing and hugs like she did each and every time I left her house. I miss her letters which she always sent to me thru out the years usually once a week with random facts about the birds or the weather they were having. I miss writing her back.

When I was in australia I got a letter from her once a week if not twice. Which meant she was writing me almost everyday while I was gone. Looking back over the years I have hundreds of letters and cards from her- I am so grateful and blessed she took the time for it meant the world to me and still does. I learned so much from her and I am beyond blessed to have been her granddaughter and I am honored to carry so many of her personality traits.

After having a hard day on her birthday I retreated to bed where her bible filled with her handwritng sits and resting on top laid one of her hankies. As I lifted the very worn out cloth to pick up her bible which opens to her favorite passage automaticly as I read the words and then hers I brought the hankie to my eyes to wipe the tears rolling down my cheek and that's when I was received the best part of my entire day...the cloth hankie a year later still hung on to her life smell. As I breathed it deep into my soul it just wasn't a smell...I breathed in her being her happiness her love her life her lessons her legacy and finally truly realized thou I haven't seen her she truly isn't really gone. Happy belated birthday Granny!