Thursday, June 27, 2013


 Controlling - taking ownership and power of one's happiness is quite the task. It takes a lot of work and spending a lot of time with yourself to be successful at it. Most days I feel like I have a pretty good handle on it - until something rocks me to the core and I lose sight or focus on that power and allow someone else to claim ownership of it. Thou I am usually quick to bounce back and see such things are happening - there are times where I allow the power to not be held in my palm. Its a choice and a matter of will and it takes a lot of determination at times but the simple fact remains its up to ME.
 Being nice and kind doens't mean being taken adventage of or letting others walk all over you in the process. I will admit there is a thin line - and sometimes I let other's cross it and put up with things that I just shouldn't have to put up with - I need to work on being strong enough to say no no no I deserve better than this or you have no right to say or treat me in such a matter. Its hard - sometimes but I know its something I need to work on doing.
 Nature - I am in love with it - I can be totally lost in it - never bored in it and always left in amazement of it. There are two relationships that I am striving to really connect with and know the first is one with myself and the second is one with nature.
 Sometimes I get into the frame of mind that I am not going to enough places or seeing enough thing - i am not exposing myself to my full potential. I am unsure why we are so focused on thinking in order to do such we must go off to these amazing places or do these out of control things to be living and adventurous life. I am challenging myself to do it each and every day right where I am where ever that may be - because so many things surround us daily - and not just places or things but people as well.
 Normal to me is a waste of time. I have no motivation to be labeled under such a term.
 I don't want to be perfect - I am not perfect nor will I ever be. All I am doing is living my life to the best that I know how and learning as I go. I have good intentions but sometimes I fall short in completing them - but that doesn't stop me from trying. I strive to learn to grow and to become and to be gentle not just with others but myself as well.
I am unsure when my last breath will be I am unsure what my legacy will end up truly being but I do know I can start by how I treat others and what I do for others - esp in ways that I have no personal gain when doing them. I want my life to stand for something -I want something somewhere to forever say Michelle Goldmann was here and I know that if I keep this frame of mind as in this quote I ma just have a shot of doing just that.
I don't mean to sound all high and mighty - or put the spot light on me but I couldn't agree more with this quote. My breaking point well it takes alot to get me there - and once there its not a good place for me to even be. I am unsure why some people do there very best to be well heard to get along with or so down right cruel at times - I am unsure why such people are the way they are - all I know is that when I do reach that I no longer give a flying -uck stage I have had enough I reached my limit of taking on or dealing with such things any longer. And this is coming from a person that puts up with and is beyind understanding when it comes to people in general. But there is a point where enough is enough.
My goal right now in this moment is to know that calm and to retreat to the calm when I need to. Its not as easy as it seems but I am trying to control - some what control the power of my mind whether it be what comes out when I speak my mind or what I need to do to control my mind from having freak outs. And I think if I am able to calm myself and create that calm and totally rely on that calm I will be way better off.

Tuesday, June 25, 2013


I close my eyes and say this in hopes that you can hear and know these words are true.
I have been scared before - often right before I am about to do something that is outside my comfort zone or something I have no clue what I am about to do or get myself into. But more often than not it always turns out into something pretty darn good even great. I am almost addicted to that rush of being scared - I kind of crave it and long for it because it always the start of an adventure and more often than not leads me to feeling the most alive. 
I use to think so and so has it better or I wish I could be her or him. I have even thought that person should choose me when it coems to being with someone. Pretty cocky I know - don't worry I was knocked back to ground level and yes the fall made me put my head on straight and fill it with common sense enough hopefully so it never happens again. I have been there thinking the grass is greenier. BUT the truth is its as green as YOU make it. Simple as that. So Spend more time watering your grass and less time trying to water others is what I am learning.
What I have found is sometimes you don't realize you are such a person or living such a life until someone one day calls you on it. Talk about being slapped back into reality - sometimes we have no clue what we are doing to another...until we take the time to truly listen - hearing such words can be well tough. really tough but I am open to hearing them because I know I am not perfect - I am human will make mistakes and as much as I try not too I will hurt others. But I also want the strength to realize that I can do better that I can change and grow from my failures and mistakes. I want to live a life that I am truly proud of - and not just the perfect kind of life...I don't want that one at all. But a life that is filled with growth learning and changes. One that I am open to hearing feedback and making changes in my life to do better after hearing that feedback. Its never too late to begin again.
I hope I never out grow my love for exploring. I hope I never find a day when I am bored in nature. I hope I am always able to lose myself to the trees water and rock. Nothing is better when it comes to me than being outside discovering exploring and learning not just about nature not just about life but learning about myself as well.
This I believe to be true. The life tends to take you where you are meant to be not where you want to be. Sometimes I wonder about the way it takes me there but in the end it does make sense.
No bragging here but I would like to say that I pick wisely...well most of the time however every once in a while I pick someone that is a drainer and well they are not a joy. Times like that I wish I was strong and I could just drop them - but well I sometimes get this thought in my head that I could save them or change them - lame and not good I know. What do you do. What I know is that I strive to be the kind of person that inspires not drains others.
This I am still working on.  So I tend to have to read this over and over and over when I find myself in such positions. I am still learning to make those words my own. Its something I struggle with deeply but I am learning. Its a slow process but i still am doing the work. I stumble I fall I tend to have to start from the beginning in such a process but I have not given up on it just yet. I am learning to be gentle with myself and I am learning to forgive myself and not be so hard on myself. I am learning that its ok to deserve better it doens't make you a self centered selfish person. LIke I said I am still working on this.
I am not out to live the perfect life.  I am not out to please people with each move I make. I am not here to be judged by others on how I live my life. I am here to be a good person - a person that stands up for what is right. A person who is kind and doesn't judge. A person who understands and forgives. A person that owns up to their mistakes and failures. A person who says I am sorry and means it. I strive to be a person who is grounded in themself and doesn't have time to gossip. I strive to be someone that tells and speaks the truth as well as able to accept just that from others. I strive to be the person that I am to each and every one I meet and know and cross paths with. That is straight forward and open. Where there is not a doubt of who I am and what I stand for.
If you are anyhting like me - when I don't want to learn or accpet things they keep following me around. Almost in a way of letting me know you better deal with me because I am not going away. Ya I can be stubborn like that - refusing to let certain things teach me what I am suppose to know so I can grow. I can be real stubborn but I am also wise enough to know that even I can't escape that nothing just goes away until I do in fact learn what I am suppose to know from it.
I am unsure why people are ashamed of their darkness. I am not sure why people hide and pretend they - we all don't have it. I am not sure why its always hush hush hush - that its ok to be happy to smile to laugh to enjoy in the public eye but when it comes to sorrow frowns tears and hard stuff we feel we must do it alone. Darkness is nothing to be ashamed of or fear for that matter. I don't think we would know the value of happiness if we didn't have it and well its only in the dark we can see the stars. Darkness isn't my favorite place to be but I do realize I need it to grow as a person I need to have hard times even if I would rather go without - its how we learn how we grow and how we become.  


Its with life's experiences I have learned often the hard way that just becasue as wrong was given to you doesn't mean an apology will follow. The simple truth is people will hurt you - they will sometimes be fully aware of this and worst yet still ignore the fact of their wrong doing. I am unsure if it has to do with pride or stubborness or what - I am still trying to figure that out. But there are people out there that its all about them - how they feel - what they can and can't handle - the world is solely focused on them. I use to apologize or take the blame for such people - say sorry when it had nothing to do with me being wrong. They continued to still walk all over me without a thought. They knew fair well what they were doing and decide to hurt me anyways. They resort in removing avoiding cutting out replacing then dealing accepting understanding or working together. Havign such people in your life is tough esp when you care for sure people. I realize thou that if I sit by and wait for an apology or for them to do the right thing i will prolly be sitting here waiting for the rest of my life. So I am learning to choose being a peace at needing a sorry or even letting go (slowly) of such people from my life. Its hard to let them go - but sometimes I guess thats just how life goes.
I have this picture and I look at it from time to time on my computer - its so simple but sometimes its amazing that I need to remind myself to do just that... BREATHE. Why is it so hard sometimes to do just that...BREATHE. BREATHE. inhale. exhale. inhale. exhale. BREATHE. When I get in a pattern of focusing on my breathing life's moments that rip your heart out - sucker punch you in the gut get a little easier to bare. BREATHE.
At one point in time I thought sunshine was something you had to be in search out. You had to find. You had to spend endless hours figuring things out or go on some big quest to achieve it. Turns out it had nothing to do with that. IT simple just had to deal with ME creating it. Now I know its my choice to make it or to go without it. My choice to bring the sunshine or sit in the dark. Its no one else's job but mine. And it solely depends on me to make it and create it. And no I don't need to go anywhere or be with someone certain or go on some quest I just have to decide and then create. Just me - no one else.

There have been moments in my life where I have been hurt deeply by another. The hurt has cut deep and at times left a wound - a wound that still has trouble healing all the way. There have been moments where I wish I could hurt the person back in such a way so they knew how much it hurt by what they said or did to me. But then a reasoning sweeps over me...reminding me...that is not you. you are better than that to hurt someone on purpose. you are better than that. and then I feel guilty for ever having such thoughts. Sometimes when people hurt us they don't realize what they have done - sometimes its because they are hruting and they can't see pass that hurt - sometimes yes people do it on purpose. I don't know the full reason behind why people hurt us - but i do know we can't assume we know or judge based on what we think. I am in charge of my own actions and thats all I can control. And I know that hurting someone just so they can hurt or feel like I do is not who I am nor who i ever want to be.
Life is full of love stories. I decided that my love story is going to be with life. Not to the point where I am in love with myself - that just sounds well dumb. But I can be in love with life. I am done waiting for someone who never shows up or stays. So its me and life. And I am positive it will be just a great of a story. 
Maybe I am not the only one that has a problem with the when - when do you know if its time to let it go and go after something better or if its time tokeep holding on and trying harder? I struggle with when knowing its time and when its not time. I am not afraid of going for something great but the thought crosses my mind maybe great is right here in front of me and I am just not giving it my all. Other times I know I am settling and its time to let it go and achieve something better. But the when...that's always my road block.

This may be one of the hardest things I have to learn to control - that I don't have the answers for others - even if I think I do. They must be the ones that seek them realize them and understand them. I would love to save others - esp from their selves. But I have found that no matter how hard I try I simply can not. Its a hard reality to accept esp when it comes to people I love and care about. Its hard watching them drown when they have the power the whole time to save themselves. But it comes down to them not me. I can't do it for them. I pray they do realize and come to know this - its hard its really hard to watch and even harder when they push you away. Yet people each have their own process and sometimes you just have to accept that even as much as you want to be a part of that process - you aren't. But it never will stop me for holidng out hope from the distant shoreline that one day they will come to know and find their way.
When it rain it least it does in my life. So when I tend to have a bad day they are followed by many. My only conclusion is is that I don't sweat the small stuff that I have a good grasp on things and have a good attitude so it takes alot to shake me up or get me off balance.  But when it does happen it is usually caused by something major and it knocks me - so it takes me awhile to gather myself.  During that time its easy to to get down on myself and think negative in ways that well can be dramatic esp for me. I will let myself have such moments because I know I have a right too but then they must end but well I don't want to waste days on being bad ones. I want to learn from them. grow from them and then carry on. I don't want to let my bad days out number my good days. And I sure as heck don't want to let it lead to a bad life.
I have been that girl that sticks around and well doesn't get it. I have been that girl that didn't quite link all the pieces together. I have been that girl that didn't read the signs or pay attention to the right signs. I have been that girl that failed to take the blinders off.  I have been that girl that gave more than she should have. I have been that girl that went 85 and the other 15. I have been that girl that just couldn't give up on it. I have been that girl that finally did see realize and know. That girl is well a hard girl to be. What I would like to tell that girl is she deserved better than how she was treated. I would tell that girl that she shouldn't stand for things like being treated like that just because she cared or loved. I would tell that girl its completely ok to walk away and to even be a bit torked as well as hurt - you did all you could do. I would like to tell that girl to learn and grow from it so she knew what better truly was for next time.
I have no trouble forgiving others - sometimes people just don't know any better. They are hurting and the only way they know how to get rid of that hurt is lashing out - not a good excuse but I do understand it. That's just how some people deal with things I don't think its right but well it is what it is. But why is it so hard for us to forgive ourselves? Why do we feel the failure and hurt and don't let ourselves off the hook? Once again not all people are like this either. But I am that person I am the kind of person that blames herself when things go wrong when people hurt me- its almost my way of saying you know better - you knew the kind of person they were and their actions held true to that - what were you thinking in thinking you could change them or it would be different when it came to you?  I am unsure why I struggle to let myself off the hook when I so easily let the ones that are actually responsible for such actions quickly off the hook. I guess I have somethings I truly need to change regarding myself - first things first to be gentle with myself.


There have been times that I have failed at this. Times I have checked out of a given moment because my mind is else where - I hate when I allow that to happen. I want to be present and fully present for my life. Where ever it takes me I want to be fully there.  I realize that this is harder than it might seems at times but I want to be able to have the power over my thougths and emotions to turn them off and enjoy and be present where I am.
Why is this so hard to do - forget whats gone?? Thats the part I struggle with - and I realize I need to apperciate more what is still here and well who knows what the future holds. My mind is logicial in knowing this but sometimes in the given moment of being its hard to fully accept this and believe in such - but its something that I must strive to do and focus on.
I am unsure why one most struggle to go places. I am unsure why struggling must be apart of the journey - why it takes struggling to learn and grow. I guess its just how the process of life goes. I am not a big fan of the struggle - but then again who is??? Just something we have to deal with learn from and grow. My hope is always that my struggles don't last longer than they have too. That I am willing to accept them - deal with them - learn from them and grow for the better as a result of them. Of course in the quickest amount of time possible would be nice as well.
I believe in this saying but sometimes wouldn't it be nice to have a hint of why that's truly the case - almost like having a spoiler for your life - give this up because then this will happen. Pass on that becasue you are waiting for this. Sometimes to confirm it is or was the right choice instead of figuring it all out down the road of life. Becasue often when you are in that moment you are focused on what you want and aren't getting you could care less what might be coming. Terrible attitude but sometimes thats just how it goes.I refer to that as being wrapped up in life - all you know is that moment - all you can feel is that moment.  But I do believe that every once in a while life saves us by putting up a big road block so we can continue down a path where the road completely gives away beneath our feet - the trick is to accept the road block and find another way instead of forcing your way around.
Sometimes I think that I am only using 10 percent of what I have available - like I figured out that I not only like the colors green and blue but I am very good at them so I just use them over and over and completely forget that there are so many other colors that I should try because I just might like them just as much as blue and green. I am unsure if its laziness or just a force of habit or pattern. WE get use to something or a place or a person and we just do the same thing in and out. Its pretty boring when you think of it - but then one day you realize wow there is so much out there in life for me to explore discover and learn and it can be already found in my everyday life I don't need to go off on some big trip to find it. I want to challenge myself to awake to the world around me and explore discover and learn from that world. 
I read this and laughed. 
I always like this saying as well as it is better to burn out than fade away. I have no a count how long I will be here. And thats ok I don't need to know - what I hope is that I live as much as I can with whatever I am given. I want to go big before I go home. So when that time comes when my name is called I can be without regret and happy with what I was able to do with my time here.

I want to be slow to react - slow to speak - slow to think and slow to feel. I want to not jump the gun or say things I don't mean - I want practice knowing and understanding how I feel about things before I react to things. This is my goal. I no longer want to feel like I need to walk backwards and take back things I did or said in which I never meant from the start - but take ownership of because I know it was me who did them. If I slow down I may just only never have to walk backwards again.
Sooner or later what you give to others always comes back to you. I can't change people or fix people or provide people the answers they are looking for - i wish i could but i can't. What I can give is the best part of me - put it out there for the world to have take feel and see. With hopes that what I am longing for - searching for - needing and wanting will one day find its way to me. 


My grandmother was a wise woman - she always told me don't judge people for the mistakes they make they are learning just as you are. Sometimes its easy to judge someone and you don't even realize you are doing it - most often than not your body language gives you away. I have no excuses for it because the simple fact is - it happens because we are human - it shouldn't happen but it does. I am quite certain it will continue to happen as the years come and go. What I do know is that I choose to not be apart of the judging. Because the truth of it - i make mistakes and mess up too - I don't want to be defined by those things so its not fair to judge people for the same thing. There I believe is goodness in all of us - some its easy to find others it takes searching.  What I know is that there is so much more to someone then what meets the eye. You just have to give them a chance to show you the ocean that is their being.
I truly think that the best relationship you can have is one with yourself. And no I am not just saying that because I am single. I say that because its only when you truly know yourself and enjoy the comany of yourself then you can truly give yourself to another or others. I have gotten quite fond of being alone and spending time with myself. Ya I have my days where I wish I had the company of others but for the most part I am content and at ease with just being.
Searching deep within yourself is often where you should turn not searching at the limbs of life. I will admit searching in the root of things or your being requires a heck of alot more work but its work that will lead to the best results. So often I find myself taking the easy way out by looking at external forces that need my attention but the truth of it is - its the core - the root that needs attention.
You ever want to do something but its usually looked upon as strange because its goes against the normal flow of life? There is nothing worse than seeming crazy just because you want something different or you do things in a different way. I will admit sometimes when I follow my heart it means I lose my mind for awhile. Sometimes my mind is right and my heart is wrong then there are times when my heart is right and my mind is wrong. Like life its no perfect. Its trial and error - a process. But a process worth taking even if it means losing your mind.
I often think of the amount of times I could have had this fight or that agruement. I wonder how often it looked like I didn't care or that I thought I was wrong? To be honest I just don't care what it looked like. Battles are well drama - some of them are worth having others its just better for me to walk away or to say I am sorry even if I know its not my fault. The state of peace is far more better than the state of anger.
Why is it we are force to find out who we are in those moments of life that test us - challenge us or change us ? I mean why can't we figure out such things in not such a high pressured situation? I do realize that everytime I find myself in such a spot and actually stay true to myself its easier to figure out just who I am other times I feel like I have no a clue who I am or what I stand for - which always reminds me that I have still things to learn and grow from.
My mother would not be impressed with this quote - saying. But it is simply put. Things always could be worse. Granted I know in the moment its hard to step outside and accept that when you feel like your heart has been ripped out of your chest - but it still could be worse.

Monday, June 24, 2013


Could you imagine the world we would live in if this was a goal for today for everyone!?!?!? 
Its hard to realize what we hold onto because how hard it is for us to let go of.  The letting go process is a difficult hard and challenging task that requires as much work and time to complete. Sometimes not only is changing hard but to realize that others have changed which now plays into affect regarding you because of that change. It brings great pride in seeing someone change for the better but then upon realizing you aren't apart of that peron's life anymore is a hard fact to accept. I do know that knowing such things keeps you humble and grouned. Sometimes the people we think we are to others we simply aren't . And often times it takes learning the hard way that you have things you need to work on. Change its always a process that never comes easy.
I am quite certain this saying is true btu what it doens't say is how do you know for certain what you are suppose to let go of and what you are suppose to hold onto?  Why is this never just common knowledge - why can't life be more black and white? Well actually life is black and white its us humans that add the gray area to it. Things like emotions thougths and feelings play a huge role in it and if you are dealing with another human then you have double that. Those are the times in life I wish I had a spoiler to whats to come so I knew yes ok let go of this and embrace whats to come or no hold onto this it will work out... 
I want to have faith in myself that even when I am down on my luck - even when I have been knocked face down on the ground - even when my world appears to be shattered that I will still extend a helping hand - I will still show kindness. I will still treat people just as I would when things are going my way. 

Why is it that we are out to impress? For praise? To be noticed? What is it?
I have done just that from time to time more than I would like to admit do things for others that I had no desire to do myself but did anyways for others. There will always be certain things and times that such is needed. But I am getting as far away to doing something just to impress now days. I am out to impress if only one person and thats myself. And I would reather be making something of myself than impressing myself or others.
I figured this out some time ago.
I don't even try to pretend anymore that
I have any control. Because just when I
do think that I do I usually get bitch slapped
back into reality to make me fully
and completely realize that I do not have control.
The joke tends to always be on me when I am
thinking in such a frame of mind.
We are such beings of our own destruction - each day we are given this given that arrives anew with each day and often we waste it because of what happened yesterday. Why are such things as regret so hard to live with or more importantly let go of? Why do we allow it to be apart of our future in a way that it fogs or even ruins that future? I know we are to learn and grow from life's lessons I am unsure of how we let go of things that we know are filled with mistakes - failures and regrets  that are based solely on us as the people who are held responsible.  There has to be a happy medium - a place I have yet to find when it comes to such things as regret. I am fully aware of the fact that I allow yesterday to carry over into today when dealing with such things. Is it because I am too stubborn or is it because I just can't handle living with regret? That I will admit I am in quest to figure out.
This is easier said than done. As much of a glass is half full kind of person I am - I know that there are certain things in life that happen in our lives that change us and sometimes the change is a result of making us better and sometimes the change is a result of making us bitter. As much as I want to believe and try to aim for the better and not the bitter I realize somethings do leave an impact and we sometimes have a choice fully over it by turning it into something better but sometimes its beyond our emotional control and it leaves us bitter.
There have been moments in my life where I basically felt too much - the emotions that I was feeling was too much for me to handle. I will be the first to say I never want that feeling to ever ever come again.  So I will say that I prolly changed that day - some times I often wonder did I change for the better or worse? Did I put up a wall or the works of a bridge? Time will tell. But I do know there are certain feelings and times in this life that are just a little too much - that once is truly enough and I just don't care to ever venture to have such moments again.