Wednesday, July 31, 2013

Birthday Shout Out: GIA

I have only known her for roughly 365 days - but I am smart enough to know when you meet someone who is rare and filled with all the good stuff  - the kind of person that is kind - caring and down to earth. You know the kind of people that I am talking about - the ones you meet and you know full well something is just well different - they are a different kind of person that you just don't find each and every day. I am positive only a certain amount of such people are out there - and this girl I believe is a part of such a select few. I am beyond grateful for her friendship and the life lessons she has helped me learn as well as accept. She is bettering the world around her by simply being herself - what a gift she has given so many without her even truly realizing it. And the simple truth is the world needs more people like her in it. There's no doubt in my mind she makes a impact on each person she meets - in the best sort of way.  She surely is a breath of fresh air with a welcoming smile and a grace about her that just puts you at ease. She's one of those friends you are glad she found it worth her while to befriend you.

My birthday wish for you, Gia is to know that YOU are more than enough by simply being who YOU are. That you, Gia matter greatly and the people that call you a friend rely on you in more ways than you will ever know. I wish you endless confidence to keep living life just in the ways that you do,  for your attitude that you bring to life each and everyday inspire people to "love today" and just be.  Thank you for your friendship but most of all thank you for just simply being you.


Life would be great if we had access to a time machine to go back in time and fix our mistakes or better yet just have a do over. But the truth is if we did everything perfect if we never made a single mistake or find ourselves wishing we would have do this instead of that - well we would be missing out on something even more important than getting it right - we would be missing out on the learning and growing part of life that results in us becoming. Thou we can't go back and fix things we can learn from the past and take that knowledge and growth and apply it to shaping a better today or a better future. Thats the great thing about the future its still in the making it hasn't happened yet so we have this great opportunity to do what we want with it. So ya the past may not be the prettiest thing to reflect back upon but thats ok its the view you are creating in front of you that truly matters.
I know of people that have never left their home state - i know many that have never left their home country and even a few that have never left their home city. I look at this world that we live in - its huge - its massive filled with all sorts of places and people and well I think its a waste when people don't take the chance to explore and discover this world. And when I say explore and discover I don't mean you have to go on some big trip or some place half way across the world - but i do firmly believe that each one of us must live outside our comfort zone - so someplace new and expose ourselves to a different way of life. If we only stay in the same place well - i think we are meant for more.
My grandmother is a tough stubborn German lady - she was always all business she had things that needed to be done and tasks that required her attention. She was always cooking cleaning baking sewing. There was no joking around with her - if you were helping you were helping simple as that. She wasn't what I called the most loving grandma until one day I was old enough to understand her. This woman who I thought was made of steel was not in any way made of metal. Her way of being was a direct result of life handing her cards she really just didn't want to hold and her only way of dealing with them was to focus her drive on things she knew how to do without question. I remember when I was 7 or 8 I walked past her bedroom door and heard her talking - I stopped and realized she was praying and crying in privacy. It was then I realized her determination to carry on - to apply her stubborn hard headed German ways to life but deep down she was gentle soft it was the hard coated layer I only noticed her as. I have learned from her you just never know what a person is battling or what their life is like. After that day I had a new respect and admiration for my grandmother and as a result of that my relationship with her deepened and grew. She was still stubborn and tough but I also knew she prayed for me every chance she got and loved me. Each of us has a life story some of us wear it right on our sleeves others wear it differently - the point is don't judge til you  know their story.
We have all been there - when we are on the start of something new - that time where you reflect back upon your life prior to this new start and time what was I thinking!?!? My life was way easier my life was way better then. The truth is new beginnings usually bring chaos - the unknown and all things new. Its the best worst feeling one can have. I have a strange obession with that sick to my stomach sort of feeling that comes when you are starting something new. Mainly because I know I living outside my comfort zone and am learning a new way or exposed to a different life. I am unsure of the process why it has to be hard before its easy but thats just how it goes. And once you truly know this you can breath a bit more easier. The first miles are always the hardest when you are running. The first day is always the toughest when you are starting something new. Allow yourself time to adjust and have confidence that you will get the hang of it. Before you know it this new beginning will be your new comfort zone and soon you will have to challenge yourself once again to step outside of it.
I know without certainity that we are all connected - the people you have in your life have had in your life and will have in your life are there for a reason. Some reasons are plain and simple and easy to see and know others it takes searching and time others we don't know for years and years or maybe even we won't ever know until we leave this earth. But I am positive you and your being has an impact of each life that crosses your path. I have always had the goal to make sure that I am doing things for the better of others. That my impact is a positive one.  The goal is thou to be real and not fake. To be this person whether you are alone or surrounded by many. I strive to stay true to the core of my being and my most important gift to others is found in the form of how I simply treat them. I know one thing if you make it a habbit of just being you no matter who is around you its easy - unless you are someone who's in some need of changing and growing then well thats a different story.  Buttom line is pay attention to how you treat others it does make a massive impact.
Why is starting something new always a result of challenging goodbye or end? My only clue to why this is is because we are leaving our comfort zone - we are stepping outside and taking a leap of faith without having a clue on how it will turn out. What we forget often is that our lives is a process of repeating such steps. Years filled with taking leaps of faith...whether we are in high school in college in the real world its always happening - we go to school we graduate we find jobs we move we find new places to explore new places to live we leave jobs for other jobs we are beings of change our lives are deeply connected to change yet its the very thing we all fight. New beginnings are change in its toughest form yet its also in its best form. They go hand in hand. Where we find ourselves fighting to hang out and fighting to let go. 
Isn't amazing when we look back at the things that truly transformed us - shaped us are often the events places and people we so badly wanted to change - to make it work in our favor...but they never moved to our liking ended up making us be the ones that are transformed and shaped. Life is a crazy ride...a crazy ride that we only realize from looking back what truly forms our lives - what moments provide the growth we need to become and what it took for us to be well us.
Its amazing how some will judge you just based on how you live your life. What many fail to understand and realize is that we all have our faults our failures our sorrow our challenges our loss our heart ache our pain our tear our hurt...the only difference is how we handle such things. The attitude you bring to the table of life makes all the difference in the world.
If there is one thing I know for sure the very best people are the ones that are a little crazy a little wild a little strange a little random a little different a little in a world all of their own. I welcome these people into my life - for I truly believe they know a secret about life and living it. my advice find as many of these people as you can and keep them forever.
 If there was an off switch to my mind I would love to know where it is. I realize it something you need to work at - controlling your thoughts. Having the power over your mind. Its something I am trying to work at but wow what a struggle it is sometimes. I know in my heart that my soul knows what to do what it needs and wants. I know sometimes my heart may not agree with it and then there are other times where my heart and soul are on one page and my mind on another and then worse when all three are on different pages.  But its true the soul will find a way but often the one that comes in the way is your mind. Learning to shut it off or control it well there is the goal to work at.
 You know what - I couldn't agree more. I have come the point of being utterly ok with this - I have been for some time - if it happens it happens. But I have come to know that me being my one and only is something I am completely at ease with.  I don't feel like I am missing someone or something in my life - I am enjoying this time with myself - doing things for myself - learning things about myself as well as about this life that I come to know that I can do just as much alone that I can with another. I am no longer waiting for that person - if they come great if they don't their lost. I am here to live - explore - discover - grow - learn and become - my life is not less because I am doing it on my own. Its just as full and filling - maybe there will be a day that i will share this life with someone but the truth is my soul is at peace with just being with me. And if you ask me - i think thats pretty darn cool. I think if I were to brag that is a pretty great trait to have to be okay with just being you alone.
 Well...this would explain alot if this is true.
 I believe we all need a place where we can close the door and be at home - where we can retreat and the rush worries and stresses of life can't follow. A place where we can just relax and rest. I have always been highly into collecting things thru this journey of life to keep in such a home and when I am at my home I am simply at ease and happy to just be there. Surrouned my life's treasures feeling safe and at peace. Each of us needs such a place to unwind from the day and close our eyes and rest.
What I have noticed is that so many are in a rush to be somewhere...I often wonder where that somewhere is...what's so important about that somewhere that people focus so much on getting there they forget about where they are right now in this moment. What's the rush ... the somwhere isn't going anywhere. It will be there - and well sooner or later so will you. SLOW DOWN...Stop stressing...I am certain if you are meant to be at that somewhere place you will one day find yourself there.
I am starting to think this is my warrior song. My theme to my life. Just maybe my happily ever after is just me. And you know what I think its a pretty darn cool amazing person to spend my life with. I think She is someone i will never feel alone with and someone that I know who will always create her own happiness and find her bliss in this life. Being on my own brings me much liberation knowing fully its me who completes me.
I am unsure why some people must test us - why they bring us right to the very edge of our limits... Is it to annoy us? Is it to test us? Is it to force us to change in some way? I am willing to put up with quite a lot but even I know I have my limits granted it takes me awhile to get to them - my advice just don't try to test them or push them. I truly think its the worse thing you can do is take advantage of someone who is purely being nice for the sake of just being kind. Remember your actions and words do affect another - a nice person can be changed after people mistreating them after so long - help change people for the better not the worse.

Wednesday, July 24, 2013


 FUNNY - HAHA HAHA - FUNNY. I laugh because well that was me to a T. I would like to think with age that I am growing wiser and it only takes me once or twice to learn something but there are certain things that I tend to fail at over and over again - with no understanding why I have not learned. I can only hope its something that I can one day fully over come.
 If there is one quality I am proud of is the fact that I respect others. And I sure hope its a quality I never lose. But one thing I need to learn and fully do is respect myself. There are certain people I allow to treat me a certain way - and that is as much as my fault as it is theirs because I allow them too. I make up excuses why its ok for them to do this or say that when in the end it simply isn't right. Which in turn is a form of disrespecting myself. I am a strong-will and stand tall with all others - its times that I stand tall when it comes to these select few people as well.
 In the hussle and bussle of life we need to be reminded of this simple task that can make all the difference in the world... ... ... JUST BREATHE.
 I have been told by others I care too much about what other's think. I personally think this is a statement that is utterly untrue. And mainly applies to what they think other's are thinking. For some time now i have been completely comfortable with being just who I am - changing for no one. Take it or leave it. This is me. I have never been a big talker about the real stuff - writter yes and well thats me and will always be me. I have always been one that have kept the respect for others how they feel or try to understand life in their shoes - that will always be me. Relating to understanding someone is not trying to impress someone nor changing for someone. Its simply who I am and who I will always be. I am not here to impress but I am also not here to lecture or preach. People can take me as I am or leave me as I am. Either way I will be just fine.
 I see it all the time - I hear it all the time... HURRY UP. GET MOVING. LET'S GO LET'S GO. MOVE IT. HURRY UP. WE ARE GONNA BE LATE. HURRY UP. I never understood the rush some people are in. I understand there are things you can't be late for but most often than not such things don't apply - people are just in a rush simple as that. It use to drive my friends crazy walking to class with me - or just walking with me in general. You are soo slow - would often be the comment I would most recieve. My comment most often returned was whats' the rush?!?!? Most of us need to simply just slow down. Take our time and enjoy this life. It doesn't last for as long as you think. You will one day run out of tomorrow's. My advice is SLOW DOWN.
 I know one thing for sure you hang around with troubled people you will be up to no good. You have out with good people you will be up to positive things. Its all about who you surround yourself. For its these people who will influnce encourage inspire and support you. They will be the people that see you for you - esp when you are being less of the person that you are capable of being. They will be the ones that lead you back on to the right track when you are lost. They will be the ones that pick you up when you are down. Having people that see you - truly see you are like having a lifesafer. Always there to pull you from the depths of the ocean of life - a candle in a tunnel of darkness. Reminding you of who you are and what you are capable of. Thank God for these people. Thank God.
 There comes a time where you just have to take a leap -forget all the reason why it won't work and just do it. All it takes is one reason to make it worth it - to get you to put yourself out there and try. Regardless of the outcome or what will happen as a result it is worth a shot. I have no intention of hearing reasons why I shouldn't do something - esp when they come from others. I am focusing my attention on the reason why I should do something!!!
Where would we be if we didn't have such people in our lives. Who would we be? Everytime I have found myself knock down or broken to pieces by life these amazing people appear they help me up and carry the pieces until I can put it all back together again. I am forever grateful to have such people in my life and as a thank you in a pay it forward sort of way I hope to be such a person in other's life. For we all need to be the candle and the flame.

Shar's 4th Birthday

 Four years ago today I got off a place returning from Las Vegas and headed straight to downtown to meet the newly born nelwy named Sharlotte Marie Koch. She was something special from the moment I first held her in my arms. I couldn't help but smile looking at her and be filled with excitement of the joy laughter and happiness she would bring. I was proud just having that moment - being apart of such a moment with her mom dad and sisters. What came next blew me away - as I held her in my arms I was asked to be Shar's godmother. I was humbled honored and left speechless. With prolly the biggest smile that has ever formed across my face in my adult life I said yes.
 We have had quite the bond Shar and I. In her early years of learning how to talk she called me Moo-How. The name just stuck after that but today i am thankful to say the big girl that she is can now say Michelle. Its been a true joy watching her grow - sharing in her milestones - teaching her things that I only could - laughing with her - cuddling with her - spending time with her whether she was a newborn toddler or little girl its always been a joy and a time filled with laughter smiles and happiness.
 Today she's all about Disney Princesses - growing her hair out as long as Ariel with hopes to dye it red just like her - a girl can dream right. She is quite the talker and the things she says and does leave me with a smirk. She has mastered the art of getting me to say yes to whatever her request is and I often find myself playing things like dolls and barbies or letting her draw all over my body with markers when she plays tattoo artist.
 I can only imagine what the years will hold for her. For its only been four years and so much has been jammed packed into those four years - her life is off to quite the start. I admire the way she can be so sweet and kind to others - giving hugs and saying thank you. I love how easy it is for her to get people to laugh and smile around her - a trait I can only hope will grow with each passing day. I love how tough she is - how strong she is - a tomboy one minute then running a round in a dress the next. She can go from sports to all pink and princesses. One thing for sure is that I am beginning to think she will have the best of both worlds being all girl and kick butt in sports.
 Whatever her future holds whatever she decides to do I will always be there to support and encourage her to give it her very best and to hopefully lead by example that being you is always enough. She has made me proud. Funny how I was choosen to be her godmother to be a role model and have her learn from me. Because the truth is its her that I am learning from.I am more because I have this little bouncy highly active strong will four year old in my life.
Happy 4th Birthday to my monkey, Sharlotte. I love you to the moon and back. And know that whether you are 4 14 24 44 64 I will always be here for you.


Oh the simple in knowledge I lack at times - is it my stubborn never give up attitude or my failure to truly see things right before my eyes. That I am unsure of. Yet I know full well that I have been know to row harder and harder in the wrong direction without a clue. I lack the understanding at times to realize its time to give up and try the other direction. I get a one track mind thinking and well fail to see whats right before me. I often wish there were warning signs or a blow horn that would just say STOP TURN AROUND its OVER. Finding out the hard way is anything but plesant. Yet I have come to know that sometimes thats just how I learn.

I believe in this. I truly do. However when you are in the moment of now - its hard to think of that day actuallt arriving. Its in those moments I find myself wishing for a fast forward button. Yet I know full well that if I fast forward this part that is tough I miss the lesson which then means I miss the growth. So you have no choice but to buckle down and go thru it. Hoping the clarity comes quick and fast.
Our life is full of lists. Fix the bathroom sink. Rake the yard. Wash the car. Pick up Milk Eggs Butter Chips and Porkchops. Pay this bill and pay that bill. Drop Sally off for Soccer sign up Tommy for t-ball. Plan this save for that go here go there. The lists can be never endings and even as a single gal with no kids no partner to have to worry about I even get overwhelmed just looking at some people's to do list. Mine is simple its written above the rest will get done when it done - chances are it just might not all get done but the one thing i am most focused on will...LIVE A LITTLE.  The rest of the list can wait.
I will admit for the most part I am a forgiving person when it comes to others who have crossed me or have done wrong. I tend to be one who forgives to quickly which sometimes comes back to bit me since i will let the same person do the same thing over and over - but well thats my fault for the quick forgiveness with no true change. I am unsure why I have no problem forgiving others esp at times when I realize later they aren't even sorry or don't take their apologize to heart since days later it happens all over again. But when it comes to the same forgiveness to myself - i am an epic failure. I need to remind myself that I deserve and need that forgivness. I must learn from each moment I have and sometimes I need to learn to forgive myself and not be so hard on myself.
I will be the first to admit its harder than hell to see this when you are going thru something.Its harder than hell to let something go that you wanted so badly. Hard to give in to reality when your dream was so close. Easy to think nothing will be right ever because you are forever altered by the fact that you were robbed of the way you had it pictured. When you care so deeply about something or someone its hard to see past the moment and be hopefully in the future. Its hard to fall apart - to not well have it all together. But sometimes we simply need to break... because somewhere along the line we put the wrong piece in the right spot and the only way to fix it is to break it and rebuild. There is no shame in having to rebuild the only shame is found in staying the same when you are so not meant to stay in such a state.
I couldn't have said it better. Things happen to us in this life that are tough that are unfair that well can easily reduce who we are. I even know that sometimes its just easier to be reduced by it than put the effort into not allowing it to reduce us. We come up with excuses like well I deserved it I had it coming some cases this is true other cases not so much. But regardless the action should be change not reduce! Allow yourself to learn grow and change from events and people in your life for the better!
There is an ease that engulfs me when I can simply take in my surroundings. Ever since I can remember I could be anywhere everywhere or nowhere and find beauty where ever I stood. I find great peace in knowing I still hold that same trait. I have never been at the foot of a lake the edge of a forest or over looking a mountain range and have not taken in every part of what surrounds me from the ground up to the sky. Whether I am in nature or in the middle of downtown somewhere I have come to realize that my eyes notice the details in things that most often get over looked. Maybe its because I come from a family that observes and connects with nature or maybe its because I have a photography's mind where I frame what I see as if I was taking a snap shot with my nikon. Whatever it is...I am grateful for this.
I was never a fan of private school dress codes - forcing all kids to be alike. I loved walking the halls of my high school or even walking around campus in college and taking in the fact that everyone was different - everyone had their own style and way of being. It inspired me to just be me. Its easy and well boring to be like everyone else. I strive to just be me and that can of person is one in a million and is irreplaceable...I encourage you to be you for the same reasons.
I often wonder how that happens how one day you are an utter trainwreck of a mess and then one day you find yourself sharing your story and all together. Time has a funny strange way of well distracting us - maybe our bodies way of protecting us so we don't have be feel broken all the time or feel the pain of hurting. With the distraction it provides time for our sorrow our pain our hurt to heal. And then we find a day when we are ready to talk and share and its then we know while we were busy just living we were healed. Life is quite the miracle isn't it - come to think of it so is time.
Its a hard thing to do in the heated moment when emotions run high. Who has time to stop and explain instead of express. Talk about self control and will power. I would be proud to say I was one of those people. That knows themselves so well they explain what caused the anger then express that anger towards another. Its surely something I strive to one day be. Explain instead of express. Wow.
The thing about life is we only get one and we don't know when it will be over. So every moment must be something we value and are grateful for. Whether we want change or need change whether we like it where we are now or if we want to be somewhere else. We still simply need to be ok with TODAY. No matter where today is - find the blessings. find the joy right here right now even if you are in the works of changing it all.
The power of an attitude is an amazing tool and talent to have. Some have asked me what my secret is - why I am just always so simply happy and in a good mood. Truth is there is no secret simply its all in the power of your attitude and how you view your outlook on life. For the most part its a cake walk if you are determined to just be simply happy.
I have heaps of excuses at times on why I did this or why I didn't do that. I want to wake up one future day and just throw all the excuses away. I am tired of excuses the ones I give myself and the ones people give me. I want truth and action. So I hope that one day finds me soon.We

Wednesday, July 17, 2013


I am unsure how some people fail to be able to link such behavior of how they are treating others and the fact that sooner or later people will not settle to be treated in the same matter. I have been there where people in my life have treated me well terribly - I often just allow them to which I realize is my fault completely. But its funny when you well give it right back to them their reactions. It utterly blows my mind that its ok for them to treat you in such a way or talk to you in such a way but the minute the shoe is on the other foot its a different story. I try to understand such people I truly do but often times I fall short in the knowledge of why. I will never understand why its easier for some to just be crappy yet not take crap from others. I guess in the end I can only account for myself - my words my thoughts my actions. As for others I am learning to let go of those people from my life.
After reflecting I have come to realize that the things that were the very hardest to get thru and let go of are the very things that I fought like made  or still fight like mad to hold onto. Letting go sucks - simple as that. Its in no shape or form easy. It requires constant work and attention - OR in my case constant distractions. There are days you find yourself thinking you will never find the day where you will me healed or completely ok with how things simple are. Yet I know life has a plan and a reason and sometimes its the hardest lessons of letting go we find growth - growth i would rather not find or have but in the end growth i am in need of. I don't think we ever truly recover from certain losses we simply just learn to live a new normal - we learn to live with the wounds and with time smooth the jagged edges of those wounds. But the whole process of letting go - well I have claws I know - i am learning and working on freeing myself of those claws - what a task.
I am starting to realize its the most normal thing humans do - compare.  Why we base things off what we think others have i will never know. Mainly because sometime ago I stopped comparing myself to others - i never saw the point. Life isn't always the picture we see when comparing ourselves to another. We are almost looking at a photo with blinders on - I do find it completely ok to let another's life inspire you or encourage you to seek and create such things in your life. But I do know if you are constantly comparing your life to another you will be robbed of happiness and the worse part is YOU are the robber.
Its thru life's storms we count our blessings when we find days filled with sunshine. I am unsure why it takes the bad to fully be grateful for the good - but it does. Some of the greatest people I know I have been thru some of life's coldest darkest and biggest of storms yet the clouds parted and they remained and whats even better after the dust settled they were even greater. There is something to be said about facing the storms of life and allowing your life's experiences to better this world and yourself. You have a choice you can be cold because of what happen to you or what you have been dealt or you can be transformed into more.
Doesn't it blow the big one when you realize someone doesn't need you. Someone can live their life without you. Someone can replace you. Someone can erase you from their life. Someone can forget you are even here. Ya those truths can sting an ever lasting sting. Its a real easy way to link your self worth to that someone's actions. Its hard to see pass that. We can find ourselves just waiting for that someone to change their minds - to walk about into our lives - to hear a doorbell and open the door and find that someone there. Well at least for me I am never that lucky. So we learn to step up and be more. To realize that hey I don't need that someone either. I can be my own hero in this life. 
I am 100% sure that I have a deep connection with nature. Its where I retreat when I need to figure things out. Its where I find peace and ease with not just life's stress but within myself. Its my calming source that never fails me. And best of all its once I merge from nature do i see things more clearly and have a better understanding what to do and what I am capable of doing. Nature has never failed in refreshing my soul and easing my mind.


It hard sometimes not to get caught up in the hussle and bussle of the happenings of everyday life. Its easy to lose sight on what really matters - to not get lost in the events that are requiring our minds and thougths to be focused on. Every day can well simply be a challenge. And what is easy to do well becomes sometime that merely slips our minds. I have found that I must recall these questions and answer them honestly. Sometimes I am not impressed with my answers and know that tomorrow I must do better. I only got one spot at this life and I hate it when I find myself wasting it.
With age I am learning to be gentle with myself - I am learning that me doing the best that I can is and has to be enough. I tend to get extremly hard on myself when I fall short - I let others have passes but refuse to allow myself the same kindness, something that I find as a huge challenge but I am working to change this. I am am unsure why I have a hard time settling for good enough when it comes to me personally - i guess because i firgure i can do more or do better. But the truth remains if I am giving all I got with the whatever I have my good enough is well good enough. Its a process that I am coming a little more accepting to with each day.
I am guilt of this from time to time - saying things I didn't mean or doing things I didn't mean just because I was upset. I am ashamed of such behavior of the actions and words that I used in those moments. I have found thou that if I just don't do anything in those moments and think about it before I act and speak I am much better off. However in the moment of things its hard to bit your tongue and walk away - yet as hard as that is to do living with the aftermaths of actions and words I am not proud of is even harder.
I have a hard time letting certain things go - esp when it comes to failing someone I care for. I go to the point of well trying to hard which usually results in all sorts of problems. I am unsure of my focus of making a door out of a wall sometimes. Its almost like I am consumed with intentions of not failing and just can't let it go. Well I usually find out the hard way that this way of thinking more often than not messes things up even worse - learning to stop forcingand to just let happen.
 How often do we blame our reasons for being a certain way on another. Our saddness our stress our happiness our fears.  I see it quite often and have been there myself - relationships torn to pieces because instead of taking the time to realize you yourself are held responsible for such things you force them onto another or you blame another. "I hate being alone." "Why don't you make me happy." Truth is many of us use others as an escape instead of dealing with ourselves - whether they be faults cracks flaws. Some of us use others to shelter and avoid. I am learning to be the master of my life - to be the one that controls my happiness my fears my stress my tears. I am not looking to blame anyone but myself or hold anyone else responsible for such means. For the fact is that if I spend the time with myself and get to know myself I will be able to share my life with others not use others as an escape.

None of us are perfect. None of us. Sometimes i am utterly shocked on how real i can be with my actions words and thoughts - and it can be in a sooo not proud or good way. yet I realize that i am human not a robot i am imperfect not perfect. I try to understand myself in those moments in the same matter I try without end to understand others when i am hurt by their actions or words. I realize if I am more accepting in the fact they are and i am just real and in no shape or form perfect i find I can grasp understanding just a tad bit easier. Being real sometimes means truly feeling and being real and sometimes those emotions words and actions can come out blunt - just a fact of life. its best to try and control such outbursts but sometimes you just have to be who you are with hopes others will see past your too real moments.