Pain

"Pain has a way of clipping our wings and keeping us from being able to fly." You know the pain that punches you in the gut, stucks the air right out of you. The kind of pain that haunts you, stalks you, and clinges onto you. The kind of pain that settles in you soul and makes a home. Pain like that just doesn't go away. It is a flood emotion that over comes your entire being. You find yourself wishing and hoping the waves of that pain will just slow enough for you to come up and catch your breathe. You wonder just how long you will be able to hold on. You almost give up all hope that life will from now on be this. But one day you wake up and realize the pain wasn't as strong as it once was. With each breath each moment the intense strong pain weakens. Til one day it has almost vanished from your soul. It finally decided it wasn't in fact its home. Yet pain like that well it never really leaves us. It leaves behind things that reminds us that it was once there. Moments when we remember and reflect and in some ways still can feel that very pain. Because pain like that well it leaves behind scars. Scars that become a part of who you are. We have a choice whether to learn something positive from those scars or to let history repeat itself. The choice is up to you. Pain...pain can be a pain in the *ss.

Its her DAY!

I would like to give a shout to an amazing woman. Someone I am proud to call my aunt and namesake. Someone who lives this life with flair and laughter. She's the girl I admire and look up to. She has a zest for life and loves to just simply live this life to the fullest. From watching her live her life I have gained confidence to follow her lead and just love this life. She's a ball full of fun. Always has a smile on her face. She likes to kick back with a drink or a glass of wine. The room is filled with laughter. And I promise you if you spend 5 minutes with her...you would love her. She's that kind of woman.

Happy Birthday Aunt Shelley. I hope that you have your best days still yet to be. I hope LIFE is GOOD. and you are finding reasons everyday to LOVEthisLIFE...LOVE and LAUGHTER to you always!! Love you

Learn, grow, change.

"Growth is painful-change is hard. And there are days you wish it would just stop. Wouldn't it be great to just know. To feel like you finally figured it all out. To just be done. Its the hardest and most wonderful thing about being alive. That & no matter how much you learn, grow and change you are never done." -From Being Erica.

The truth is that as long as your heart is beating and air is filling your lungs...Life is about changing, learning and growing. It will never stop til our life on this earth is thru. We wake up each day and face the possibilty that today could be a great day, a not so good day or a terrible day. We laugh. We cry. We love. We hurt. We fail. We succeed. We are on top of the world. We have the world sucked from within us. We think we have had our best day, then another day comes that tops it.We think we have hit our lowest low and something else happens. We do all of this day in day out without even thinking. Without even realizing most days just how strong, how enduring, how capable the human soul is when it comes to just simply living this life.

We all know of such stories that leave you thinking how did they wake up the next day after this. How do they carry on? I have said it 1,000's of times. And the answer is simply because they had to. Life stops for no one. We carry on. And sometimes that going on is simply waking up the next day. And making it thru the day. There is no manual that truly knows how to live this life. There is no manual that gives us guidence to being...human... In many ways we are the authors' of such a thing. We are writing it as we live. Thru trial-error, happiness-sadness, in our lowest of days and brightest of days. And I say to you...there is no wrong way of living this life. I say to you that your life right now is just how its meant to be. I say to you that your life has value and meaning. I say to you that this dark storm won't last forever. I say to you that you will find growth from this. That you will endure. That you are capable. That you are strong. That you will carry on. Its these life's moments that bring value to our good and best days. Its these life's moments that we realize that life is sometimes painful and hard...but we can be tougher. we carry on. We can learn. We can change. We can grow. Especially in times we never think we are going to make it... WE will.

Living in Whitefish we will go without seeing the sun for days sometimes weeks. We find ourselves engulfed in gloomy clouds. And then a day comes its as simple as the sun rose, and there it is. Like it has never left, like its always been there...And in many ways thats life...out of nowhere we find ourselves living, smiling and laughing...it just happens. And thats the miracle of just being and just living.

A thanks to you.

I am kind of excited. Sitting at the edge of my sit. Smiling for no reason. Showing that tad bit more kindness. My head is in the air. My mind is drifting else where... and the best part is... its just because of being in this magical winter wonderland. This is my happiness. This is my peace. This is my life... This is me. So thank you for leading my journey to Whitefish...

Reasons to LOVEthisLIFE

20 10... the first of 12 months is half ways thru. And oh the excitement it has already brought, yet I can't even imagine what else will be in store for this new year. I have no clue what is to come or what is to come in your lives as well but I hope that no matter what kind of journey we are all on we find reasons to carry on, to endure, to celebrate, to forgive, to let go, to love, to laugh, to smile...and above all find reasons everyday to LOVEthisLIFE.

I have been glued to news about the earthquake in Haiti. I keep reading story after story. Looking at picture after picture. Life is well to be blunt Hell there. Yet even thou there's 1,000 of sad faces filled with tears, there is still life there. And there is still Hope, its in the eyes of those doing all they can to help. Its in a small child that still can laugh and smile. Its in a grateful voice that says thank you. Where there is hope there is life. And where there is life there is also hope.

Learning.

"In the attitude of silence the soul finds the path in a clearer light, and what is elusive and deceptive resolves itself into the crystal clearness. Our life is a long and arduous quest after truth." -Mahatma Gandhi

Its human nature to want answers to our thoughts, feelings and especially questions. We strive for reason, for understanding, for wisdom and knowledge. In all areas of life: in friendship, love, work, health, sickness, death, life...and the list goes on. We hope to find meaning in words-in actions. Yet most of the time it still just doesn't add up. I have found that I search and search for words to describe how I am feeling. I search for the right things to say and to do. But sometimes life throws us a curve - we have moments of darkness - we make mistakes - we fail - we struggle - we stumble - we have hard lessons that sometimes just must be learned. Its in these moments that well I find myself struggling. When I have made a mistake. When I have made a big OOPS. When I have failed. I can forgive rather quickly in most situation but have the darnest of times forgiving myself. Letting myself off the hook. I find myself not settled until I have been forgiven. It just eats and eats at me. I don't know how to live with regret. I don't know how to not let such things eat at me.

But like happiness and well life sometimes things aren't fully meant to come together to the point where we understand. And maybe the same goes for regrets. We aren't meant to live a life without them. They are meant to stick with us to remind us. To help us learn from our mistakes, from our failures, from our struggles and stumbles. Some life lessons esp the hard ones we aren't ever meant to forget. Thou we search for answers... Sometimes such lessons are learned to help grow and to realize that this life is about learning and growing. And sometimes the greatest of lessons are the hardest of things to really learn and in many ways live with. And we carry around those regrets and lessons to make sure we never have to repeat the same mistake and failure.


"You will never be happy if you continue to search for what happiness consists of. You will never live if you are looking for the meaning of life." -Albert Camus

14 hour cookie = NO SO GOOD

Ever just have one of those days where you find your life was a movie people would be rolling over with laughter. Lately it seems that's my life. Two nights ago I fell asleep on my couch at 6pm. When I awoke it was daylight and I was so confused on where I was or what was going on. I looked at the clock and realized it was 11:30am. Yup just a quick cat nap for me. To make matters even more worse after sleeping for 14 hours PLUS... I had fallen asleep with a cookie in my mouth... um let's just say it wasn't as good 14 hours later.

Making my own Tracks.

"Nobody needs to prove to anybody what they're worthy of, just the person that they look in the mirror. That's the only person you need to answer to."

How often do we get caught up in a world of proving ourselves to others. How often do we feel we need to do this or that because thats what everyone else is doing. How often do we compare ourselves to someone else and base success-love and happiness from that. How often do we live a life that we are truly unhappy living but yet carry on just the same because thats what everyone else seems to be doing. We are in relationships that really aren't healthy. We are working jobs we hate to wake up each morning to go to. We are buyin houses-cars and clothes we can't efford. We are living for the weekends-or for the two week vacations. We are spending a huge amount of our time in this life living to make other happy. We are basing our life's worth through someone else's eyes...

I use to be one of these people. Well a long long time ago. But then I woke up and realized WHY... Whats the point. Why let someone else decide what makes me happy. Why let someone else tell me when my life is worthy. I know at times living such a life is hard. I am a single young woman. I have only me to provide for. So if I am unhappy with something in my life- the power lies in my hands and I can change it. I can take a pay cut or a move across the nation, because right now I have no one to really take under consideration with the choices I make and chose. Its very easy for me to face that person in the mirror and make the changes in my life if I find that I am unhappy in a job or just in life in general. I know it will be much different someday- but yet I hope I never face a moment where I find myself unhappy and don't take the power in my own hands to make the changes that need to be made. I hope I am never a passanger - I hope I never give up the driver's seat in MY JOURNEY in this LIFE.

I never want to follow. I never want to conform. I never want to base my life's worth by a checklist. I never want to live my life for someone else. I never want to live my life to someone else's standards and ideas of how this life should be lived. One of my favorite things to do in this life is skiing. And nothing is better than a powder day! Of hitting the slopes and being the first one to ski down and make the tracks. Its an amazing feeling cutting tracks for the first time in the freshly fallen snow. The sound the snow makes as you slice through it is one of my favorite sounds. Its such a libarating feeling to make your own tracks and leaving your mark on the mountain for others to see that someone was here. Someone started the path. Someone didn't follow the tracks laid by others...Someone decided to be the leader and not the follower. Someone wanted to do things a bit differently. Someone took a chance... HECK why does that just have to apply in skiing tracks?? Its also life tracks... And I hope I am always someone who is making my own tracks in this journey of life....

"I'm not following anybody's tracks, I'm making my own baby." -Picabo Street

Mady Kay

Today my godchild and cousin Madysen Kay turns 13. OH jeez... she's a teenager!!! Where did the time go? I remember being called out of class when I was a sophmore in high school to be told of her birth. I remember driving in a blizzard with my family down to Bismarck to see her for the first time. I remember her first outing was to Flasher, ND (again in a blizzard) to watch me play volleyball. It was also the first time I got to hold her...and after that...I was hooked.

She's our little Chuckie (as what my brother would call her) because of her redish hair and devilish ways as a child. She would out last us ALL at nite and roam the house. She would make us laugh. And still does. I remember giving her - her first piece of gum and since then I don't think I have seen her without a stick chewing gum in her mouth. She is no longer the baby or even the little girl of the fmaily. She has grown into a young teen. Who LOVES the Sioux and the Pittsburgh Penguins. She is a girl who found out just recently she loves to ski and loves Whitefish (almost as much as I do). She's not as talkative as she once was...and when asked what she is doing she usually says nothing...but she's getting better. She is growing more confident and more comfortable in the person who is. Her journey to now has been a blast to witness and I can't wait to watch her grow more and more into the person she is meant to be.

If you ask me, I think she's a rockstar. And I am so proud to be her godmother and cousin. HAPPY 13th BIRTHDAY MADYSEN KAY!!!! your present is on its way...and I hope you like it! Love you...Leech.

There's the Sun.

Its been awhile since we have seen the sun in the Fish. We have had days packed with snow and slopes slammed with pow pow. NO COMPLAINING HERE. However its amazing the attutide and postive zibe seeing and feeling that big old sun can have.

Most mornings I head to work in the dark and return in the dark. And through out the day the clouds sprinkle or in our case lately dump the white puffy flakes from the sky (again not complaining). You go about your daily routine really not noticing. UNTIL...we have a blue bird day. Its then you realize just how much you have missed that sun. And thou we have been granted powder days of great skiing...Skiing with the sun and taking in the breath taking views of the Flathead Valley and the Flathead Mountain Range are just as much fun.

I am in no shape or form lying or taking things out of context when I say that the landscape your eyes take in on top of Big Mountain WILL take YOUR BREATH AWAY. And no matter how many photos I take of this Nature Landscape, or what words I write to describe it... It can never be fully captured through someone else's words or seen in a photo. Its a view that one must take in with their own eyes. One must be standing on the top of Big Mountain and take in the 360 degree view. And only then in that moment will you realize that Mother Nature and the Lord of above have some amazing handy work.

Sometimes with days like these you find yourself just stopping. And you take the time to fully and completely soak in that moment. And you find yourself saying Thank you... to someone you can't even see but know is listening. And if you are like me...you also say...there's the sun...oh how I have missed you.

LIFE is GOOD.

I was feeling a bit tired, I was feeling a bit blue. With the rush of the holidays and having my place filled with noise, talk, love and people was such a pleasure. But then it all came to an end. The mess was cleaned, the tree and lights packed away, the silence set in when everyone left. I was all of sudden back to life solo. Something that I am always okay with and in all honestly...LOVE. but it still takes some time to adjust to life back to the norm.

When I awoke this morning I had a new year gift. 11 inches of fresh snow. I had no time to feel sorry for myself, to feel tired or ever a bit of blue. I found myself jumping out of bed with excitement...I couldn't get to the slopes fast enough. As I took the chair up I realized the gift of this day is and was to me. I am positive the Snow Gods blanketed the slopes of the Fish just for me...For I had no other room than for excitement and happiness. I had no other thoughts that skiing all day long....and thats just what I did. So now I sit in my mountain hide away...clean and organized just the way I like it. And after a long fun day on the slopes I realize the pure joy I find in the silence...It won't be long til I start zzzz'ing on the couch. For it was a day lived well and full of fun. A day filled with simple moments filled with peace. LIFE IS GOOD.

2010

Its a New Year. A new 365 days that now await to be lived. As I sit here and type I am unaware of what 2010 will hold for me. I don't know of its happiness and sorrow or if its lessons and growth. Change has never been something easy in this life, yet I hope to embrace whatever life changes come my way. I hope to see the goodness in life's darkness. I hope to laugh triple the times I cry. I hope that my mess ups, mistakes and failures force to me grow and to become more and not less. I hope that my words and actions are kind to those who surround me. I hope that I bring joy and pride into the lives that I know not hurt and shame. I hope that the regrets that I carry lighten as I make my way thru this journey of life--but yet never to the point that I don't remember. I hope I can forgive those who hurt me or let me down in the same breath I hope that I am granted forgiveness from those that I hurt and let down. I hope I am blessed with friendship from old and new friends. I hope that I am given the gift of living another 365 days. I hope that 2010 will be even better than 2009. I hope I find the gifts and blessings in each day of this year. I hope that this year I will settle more into myself. Be more confident, more understanding, more kind, more giving. I hope I become more of the person I am meant to be with each day. And more than anything I hope to improve the quality of life in each person that shares this life with me. I hope that my imprint in their life is one worth holding onto and then I hope that -that person pays it forward to someone else. I hope this world becomes a bit more because of the lives that show understanding, kindness, love and hope.

2009 is over, and what has been done has been done, what has been said has been said. There's no changing or taking back. But what is given to us is a new start, a new day, a new year. How we spend it is up to Me, to You...to All. Thou actions can't have a redo nor can the words we spoke be cleared. But maybe just maybe what we have learned from such moments can help us to grow. And maybe just maybe help us find a way to right a wrong. I sit at the edge of my chair with excitement of what a new year will hold. I am excited to embrace all that comes to my life in this new year. And I hope that somewhere you are too. I don't make a new year's resolution. Because mostly they never last past March. What I do make is a promise to myself that this year will top last years. That I will laugh triple the times I cry. That I will find ways to better myself and esp the lives that surround me. That I will grow and become more from my mess ups, mistakes and failures. That I will improve the quatlity of life of those around me. That I embrace the changes life brings to me. That the changes are ones that help me grow and become. That I am granted the 365 days of 2010 to live...and to live those days well.