Wednesday, October 27, 2010

Paula Power

We all met at the Women's Way on a beautiful fall evening (10.15.10). Most have never been to such an event, but we show up because of Paula, we stopped by all the booths, we chatted, we laughed, we smiled, we WALKED. We were quite a seen - hard to miss... We had PAULA POWER and by the end of the night many did too... Here are some photos of the night.
She's the Paula behind Paula Power!

Hugs from Shonna, Paula was so surprised not just by the shirts but by how many were walking just for her.

The candles lighting our way.

The Goldmann Family
Seeing such a sight you are reminded just how simple life should be.

The Mollman Sisters -Shonna and Margo with Paula (minus one, thou Amanda wore her shirt in Colorado with pride.)
Lighting Hope for a CURE.

Paula and Mark (my life's true teachers)

Paula with her boys, Jacorian and Paul

Going Pink for Paula Power the Goldmann Family Official Photo from the Women's Way Breast Center Event held 10.15.10

Paula with Karla and Mady. We missed you Brit and Brad.

Mark dressed in pink for his Paula.

Michelle with her Hero.

Paula with just a few of the Mollmans (Shonna's family). Bonnie, Greg, Margo, Kyle, Shonna and Mason more would have loved to be in the photo and take part in the event however the distance didn't allow. You were there in spirit.

Paula with Renee, Christie, Brian, Canyon, Callie and Emily.

Paula with Ross and Nicole Ford.

SISTERS (Mary Jane, Paula and Karla)
Paula with Shonna, Paul and Champ (even the dog was proud to wear pink).
Paula with Champ, Jacorian and Kobe. The pups were so excited to walk and of course wear pink.
The pre-walk photo of the PAULA POWER walking group.
The post-photo PAULA POWER photo.
Yes it was a first time event for many of us. And yes it was because of Paula that brought us there, but each of us changed a little that evening. Each of us grew from that evening. Each of us realized that life is precious whether someone is battling cancer, morning a loved one or just simply everyday living life is meant to be lived each day as a gift. Here is to HOPE for a CURE. Not just to breast cancer but to all cancer.

Since June.

Mom went from having nothing pink in her closet to having too much to chose from.
Our black lab, Kobe has become very protective of Mom, barking and not wanting anyone to come close to her on his watch.
We know how to speak in medical terms (fyi this doesn't fully mean we know what we are talking about).
We now look at the calendar in terms of how many chemo treatments are left.
We have felt the compassion support and love from people close far and half ways around the world.
We have found ourselves wrapped in warmth by such caring people while we walk in this unknown darkness.
Found out that Mom can sleep just about anywhere if she has a blanket and pillows (the boat, the camper, the car...just because she's sick doesn't mean she has to miss out.)
We now have excuses if we get pulled over for speeding ---but she has cancer... however this doens't work if she's not in the car with you.
We have a fridge that is never empty because of food constantly being dropped off.
Paula has gained control of the remote over Mark... this doesn't happen.
Thou she's sick with a fever my father still claims she can sit in a tree stand.
Three kids shaved their heads to lead their mother into the darkness in hopes their bald heads will reflect light to guide the way.
We no longer wait to live.
We take part in cancer walks events and runs (and have shirts that say Paula Power)
We cherish simple everyday moments we have with this lady we call Mom and Paula.
Paula has been told the meaning she has given to so many - some in this life never hear such things first hand.
We look forward to chemo treatments because its a social time to visit chat and laugh.
We have met such people like Dr. Addo, Stacey and the rest of the staff at Phoenix Mind and Body and not just think of them as friends but as family.
Paula and Mark have connected back in touch with friends and family.
We have learned to see the gift in today and not wait to say and do til tomorrow.
We have found ourselves walking in the darkness of the unknown but realize just how much life means now in this moment. We live with our soul now. We know the beautiful life holds especially in the darkness.

Most of all thru all the unknowns we wouldn't wish for a do over or a different path. We are growing and becoming as people and as a family. There's a meaning to this journey. There's a reason. And I believe its because since June (Paula) my mother has never been more beautiful and stronger. Since June life didn't seem like we were truly living it... Since June have found we finally have started.

King of Anything.

I have never been one for saying things should be done this way or that. I firmly believe we are all different therefore live different, think different and feel different. I don't believe that there is a certain way of doing things just your way of doing them. We all have a custom way of thinking and dealing with life. It is easy from the outside looking in to say you should do this or that was so not the right thing to do. Only one person can read your mind and know what your heart wants... That person is YOU. So drown out the noise and listen to the voice that counts. Don't be forced into thinking doing or feeling for anyone BUT YOU. Don't feel corner into thinking that you are wrong for thoughts feelings or actions. Don't be second guessing yourself because so and so told you this or that. I love the saying listen to the one that matters... The one meaning you. People love to put in their two cents... Let them, there's nothing wrong with that however don't let their voice their thoughts their action become yours. Live your own life. You might make a few wrong choices but you will accept them because you made them. For I know that the right decisions will out weigh the wrong ones.

Music always has a way of speaking to me, saying the things I just can't find the words to express... There is a song out there right now that speaks my true feelings when I am told by others on what to do, feel and think...

King of Anything by Sara Bareilles
"keep drinking coffee, stare me down across the table, while I look outside.
so many things I'd say if only I were able, but I just keep quiet and count the cars that pass by.
You've got opinions, man we're all entitled to 'em...but I never asked.
So let methan you for your time and try not to waste any more of mine, get out of here fast.
I hate to break it to you babe, I'm not drowning here... There's no on here to save...
Who cares if you disagree? YOU ARE NOT ME. Who made you king of anything?
So you dare tell me who to be, who died and made you king of anything?
You sound so innocent, all full of good intent, swear you know best.
But you expect me to jump onboard with you -ride off into your delusional sunset.
I'm not the one who's lost with no direction, oh but you'll never see.
You're so busy making masks with my name on it in all caps.
You've got the talking down... JUST NOT THE LISTENING. (repeat chorus)
All my life I've tried to make everybody happy while I just hurt and hide.
Waiting for someone to tell me it's my turn - to decide.... (repeat chorus x2)

Its a Total Michelle song because if you haven't figured by now I test the limits on what is supposely called normal. And when people start talking like they know what is best for ME (thou if comes from the right spot with good meaning) I think of this song and I find myself biting my tongue not to say the last line in the song... "Let me hold your crown, babe!"

Thursday, October 21, 2010

You will always be, right there in my heart.

There's certain dates that will always come to mind, for they hold meaning beyond words. Some days are happy ones to remember births weddings and so on. However there also those of deaths and sorrow. I have come to realize thou that when such dates come I think of the day as a celebration of their life not one of sorrow. Oct. 20 was the day that Granny, left this journey for another. She was an amazing lady, and no matter how much I tell you or what I tell you it will never do justices and it will never be enough. She was my first best friend. She was a mother to me. She was a playmate, a story teller, a chef - a baker, a kind and gentle soul. She was my biggest fan. She was the one who always wrote letter after letter to me. She was the one that was never too busy to hear about my day. She was the one who was so happy to just sit and have a cup of tea. I miss her but know the gift it is to have all those years with her. To have all those memories with her. She brought color to my world. My childhood was filled with so many great memories because I was simply blessed to call her Granny. I hope where ever you are that you know how much I love you, Granny. I so very wish I could sit and talk. But know that my time spent here without you is meant to be lived to its very fullest so I will do just that for you. In your honor I will enjoy this cup of hot tea and think of all the memories that I lock forever away in my heart of you. For I know I will always keep you right there, in my heart.

Friday, October 15, 2010

Just Live

Funny how things have a way of changing when your not looking or paying attention. Sometimes life can lead you into the dark unknown and you feel like it will never reach light again. Sometimes it feels like the heavyness you carry will never lift. Sometimes it feels like you will never smile or laugh again. Sometimes it feels like the sorrow has taken so much room in your soul you won't have room for happiness. What I have found that if you just live in the moment and not worry about when the change will happen life finds a way to do it when your not looking. All you can do is take what life has given you and make the best of it no matter what that might be.

There are so many wonders, questions and worries in this world. Will I get married, will I have a baby, will I have a family, will the house be approved, will I get this job, will we move here or there, will I pass this exam, will the retirement fund be big enoug, will it be brown or black, will I fit into this, will he graduate, will she will I find my way, will so and so be alright, will she die, will we have enough money for a vacation this year, will I have the gene that carries this, will I ... will we... will he... will she... The wonders, questions and worries can consume you, can take over your thoughts and mind. So I choose to just live, and let what happens - happens. I choose to focus on this moment now and let the rest work itself out. What will be will be, all you can do is just live.

Thursday, October 14, 2010

He's the guy...

He's the guy that keeps us on our toes. He's the guy that is always making us laugh and smile. He's the guy that loves fall because it brings hunting. He's the guy that loves to spend his summer days fishing. He's the guy that is in heaven when his family are all packed into the Griz. He's the guy who is rocking out to Lady Gaga and Ke$ha. He's the guy that loves his crown and waters. He's a guy who spends way too much time at Scheels. He's the guy that would give the shirt right off his back from his family. He's a guy that is madly in love with my mother. He's the guy that can't sit still. He's the guy that makes everything so simple in this life. He's the guy that has more wisdom than humor believe it or not. He's the guy that makes our family complete. He's the guy who's birthday is today. He's the guy who we call Dad. Happy Birthday Daddi-o. Oh how blessed we are to have you in our lives. We love you, ya big goon.

Wednesday, October 13, 2010

Really Lived.

One of the best movies I have ever seen was on the other night, Secondhand Lions... a movie that most have never seen or even care to see. But oh what a flick it is, filled with lots of laughs and a line at the end that makes the entire movie to me..."So these two men from your grandfather's stories, they really lived?... Yeah they really lived..."

To me thats what this life is all about... Really living... so when you get to the end of this life's journey someone will hopefully say she really lived. To me if I can live my life in such a matter and have that be the thing people talk about when I am gone I have done more than a couple of things right in this life. I know I am not going to strike oil or become big and famous BUT I know I will fill each moment of my life with smiles and laughter. I will always search for the unseen, I will always challenge myself to grow and to become. I will always push this life that I am living to its limits, I will reach pass the boundaries that it sets. I will be a little crazy, be a little wild. I will take the no shortcuts in this life. I won't back down from life's fears or sorrows. I will experience every single square foot this life has to offer. It won't matter to me if people call me a nomad or whatever else might come to mind. For I have a mission... I am going to really live this life. I challenge you to do the same. Stop worrying or stressing over things that don't truly matter, instead of being engulfed with work(thou we all have to work it doesn't have to be your life) be consumed by the people in your life. You only get this moment once... Once you have left this earth will they say... YEAH she/he really lived.

Monday, October 11, 2010

missing you, Granny

Tomorrow it would be your birthday. Oh how I miss you. What I would give to see a letter in my mailbox from you or have a hot cup of tea and just talk about life or nothing at all. What I would give you see you clap your hands and open your arms to wrap me in one of your hugs. What I would give to see you at the back steps waving me goodbye. What I would give to see that huge beautiful smile come across your face when I walk into the house. What I would give to hear that soft gently English voice speaking words of wisdom. What I would give just to spend the day with you. I hope you are enjoying your paradise, I look forward to seeing you again. Love You Granny, Happy (early) Birthday.