I am writing this post while i am in Baltimore but my post has to deal with my time in Louisville Kentucky. I spent this past week hanging out in the hometown famous for making slugger bats and the grand horse race for the roses--the Kentucky Derby at Church Hill Downs. It was a relaxing week spent getting to know what life in Louisville Kentucky is all about. I also took in many high school girls basketball games--the best of the best hs senior players...while at this event I saw major d-one head coaches...from Delaware, Temple, Memphis, Duke, Xavier, Ohio, Ohio St, Mich, Mich St, Norte Dame, Indiana, Wisconsin, Louisville, Florida, Akron, VT, Miami, West Vir, Boston...to name some of the very very many. After hanging the day in New Jersey/ NYC I am now spending the week in Baltimore Maryland/ Washington D.C.
One a more personal note I was reminded today just how precious life is and how it can be over or changed forever in the blink of an eye. When mergin onto to road that leads to the airport traffic was back up for miles and was at a stand still...we then found out an accident happen at 6am that closed down the 4 lane highway...as we got closer we learned the accident had been fatal and claimed the life of a local 24 louisville man on his motor bike. Just a simple july day...a friday fun day....I couldn't help to notice that nothing in my life had changed...yet while we sat in that car someone's was over and someone's world or worlds were forever changed-were tore apart and shattered...for a brother, son, grandson, boyfriend/husband, father, friend, co-worker left his home this morning having the world in the palm of his hand only to find out moments later that world forever taken from him. How can life change that fast??
How is one's life measured?? by the journey one takes...its a process that you always view...how one reacts? how one views? where one's path leads??? or is it the final outcome...the destination...where life finally leads them before taking them from this world? its soo over whelming to think about let thats all i can think of?? Tonite as I looked up info on the accident I also learned that two little girls were struck by a car ages 4 and 5 and killed just up the road from chruch hill downs..home of the kentucky derby...on their way to mcdonald's after swimming lessons...their life at that moment at that age really was so simple...they were living their everyday life and just like that...it was over before it begun...it doesn't make sense...which is what i have the hardest part with...because i know that life isn't suppose to make sense...and its when we try and try to make sense of it...that we will never know the answers to our questions...This past week I have lost a friend that I went to school with, Ben Lenzen-26- from a work related accident and all i can say is...too young and too soon. He had the world in his hands...he had married his high school sweet heart only a year ago...he had so much yet to do, yet to see....OR is that the plan we just saw for him....maybe as humans we only see the black and white to life....and maybe thats just why its not up to us when one's time is done...because if its up to us...our time would always be and never be done. A day later my manager/friend Jessica lost her father-in-law very suddenly...The four of them (jess, ryan, ry's mom and dad) were playing in a golf tourny...something ken loved to do...and on a clear beautiful summer day where it seemed life couldn't get any better...it all changed...he was joking around and smiling and just as he was looking at his son and wife he took his last breathe and was gone...In one single second....
Within this past week..62, 26, 24, 5, and 4 year old...in one single second...one life gone while so many other lives changed forever--so many people left with just why's...yet I know there are countless more that I don't even know about...One week where I was taught just how fragile a human life is, just how precious each moment is....for we don't know...today could be our last day, now could be our last moment...today your family could be that family you never thought this could happen too...YET we can't live in the style like we are prepared for this to happen--but we must remind ourselves that living each day is a gift....we must trust in our journey and have faith in our journey...and not let the questions that we can't find the answers to lead our journeys. My thoughts go out to these families as well as all those who have lost a love one and their life was forever changed. May the angels lead them all into paradise and may we find comfort and love in the love they gave us and the memories they shared with us...
Friday, July 25, 2008
Friday, July 18, 2008
My dad's big sister Renee...is hands down one of the greatest people that I know...that I have in my life...She is a true life liver...She is a simple country girl that just needs her family and her horse and she is good to go. Over the years going to her house for Christmas has been one of my favorite memories as well as favorite places to go...Her house is always filled with family, love, laughter, food and of course drinks. I have so much respect for her and I realize just how hard and tryin at times it is being the oldest in the family. For it has always been Renee and her hubby Wayne...who well he will get his own blog because I have much to say about the kind of man he is--to come soon...that has been close to keep an eye on my grandparents, to help them out esp once they weren't able to do certain things. Renee was the one who was there thru all of it with my grandmother....she saw the very worse...while yet being so strong for all of us. Now that granny is gone...its Renee that I see the most of Granny in...Mother-like daughter...and to say that I have two soul-two beings in my life who are so kind, caring and loving is a blessing I am never sure how I got. Granny was the glue to the Goldmann family she held us all together...Now its Renee. Thou Gramps is still alive and kicking...its Renee that cares for him and makes sure he is safe and well, I know this is a hard for her at times with Gramps forgetting more and more...but she stands tall, she takes the extra extra time to do this or take and include Gramps always. She lets him stay independent yet he depends on her the most. Its thru her example that I have learned some of the most important lessons in life, its thru her everyday life that I have found the true meaning of family and loving. She gives of herself so much sometimes I am not sure if she has anything left for just her. In all my years of knowing her...I have never seen her have a bad attitude, a bad day or complain. For even in our darkest of hours I have found she can still smile and laugh...and even when she is at her lowest low..she carries so much strength with her. two now four call her mom, four call her nana, one calls her honey and the rest of us Renee...I will always find the blessings in having her in my life...and to say she is family...is something I am honored to say. I know that she finds true happiness being outdoors...She is a woman who isn't afraid to get her hands dirty...and you will always find a huge smile on her face...Thank You Aunt Renee...for teaching me that life can be dirty and messing but that doesn't mean you can't jump right in and find happiness...for teaching my the true beauty of the outdoors....for teaching me the importance of knowing the stories and history of our family...for always living a life that is a true example to all those around you. You have taught me so much by the love and time you give to others. My world is more...because you are in it...I am a better person because of having you in my life and calling you my aunt. Thank You for ALL you do!!
Thursday, July 17, 2008
I am happy to say that thou we take different paths..for some reason our paths keep coming together...they cross and then go a different way and come back again together. Even if its just for a short time. These girls...well there truly aren't any words that can describe how much they mean to me-how much they bring into my life-how just amazing each and every single one of them is. Kinsey, Shannon, Heather, Lindsey, Jamie, Bridget and Erin. Each so different but together it all makes sense why we are friends. They are simple girls who only need a cooler of budlight..and now some OJ (LG) and each other to have a good time. When I am with them I hear their laughter and see their smiles and for someone who goes goes goes...I relax. I enjoy. I slow down. I tend to record those moments in my mind...I sketch their smiles and keep their laughter echo-ing thru my mind...because once those moments are over...i replay those memories and moments when I am alone and when I need them when they are too far to be near. So thou we are far apart from each other...They are still with me everyday...Last weekend we were brought together to celebrate the wedding of our Bridget to Dan. We drank, we smiled, we laughed, we danced, we made memories to last. It was during that weekend at the wedding dance where I sat up above and watched seven girls each in their own world of happiness out on the dance floor. Kinsey with Jared, Lindsey with Mike, Jamie with Tom, Shannon with Tim, Erin with Stevie, Bridget with Dan and Heather dancing around the floor with one month old Laken. I can't really describe what I truly saw or how that moment was so profound to me. I was watching simple life happiness...the kind of happiness that is so real its impossible to truly capture or even realize that you have it or even dream of having...because its happiness in its rarest form...the kind you might just take for granted from day to day...because its just a simple form of being happy...dancing to some cheesy song with someone you love. I tend to not to be someone who you see crying...no I was not sobbin but tears were formed and one or two might have escaped from the corner of my eye. WHY...because thats just what I have always wanted for each one of them...the simple life happiness...and I realized at that moment they each had just that...and to see that and to see all of them at the same time have that....I was swept away in that moment. Having those seven friends in my life makes it easy for me to be a true friend, makes it easy for me to just be me. For they just take me for who I am and love me for me just being me. They are some of my biggest life fans...they believe in me, have faith in me and inspire me to reach out to life --to want more--to be more--How cool is that...how simple is that? But thats just who they are...Simple real friends...who are so much more than that. As time has gone by I have leaned on them more and more. I have turned to them during times of sorrow and trails and they are the ones I turn to celebrate with-laugh with-smile with. Me being the oldest of the crew I tend to also be the one that makes sure that everyone is taken care of...and I realized that as the years have gone by I have to do less of this...Because each one of them...has grown into a person who is confident, secure, strong, smart and knows just what they are reaching for and just who they need in their life that truly matters. They have found amazing people to share their everyday lives with...the kind of people that I am too blessed to have in my life...I have so much admiration and respect for Tim, Stevie, Dan, Tom, Mike, Jared and Jamie...for they are the ones that are making all the difference in the lives of my journey friends. I am thankful for friends like these seven girls and I am thankful for all our times together...whether we be doing everything or nothing. Just being together brinds so much happiness to me and having them in my life...has made all the difference in my life.
Monday, July 14, 2008
As years go by you learn to LET GO...to let go of dreams, of friendships, of pass love, of mistakes, of failures, of regrets, of pain hurt. You learn that at one point or another even the person you never thought would let you down...WILL...and you will do just the same. You learn that death is a part of life. That sometimes no matter how hard you try you can never control life...and no matter how much you want the why's of life answered they just won't be...sometimes life doesn't make sense...but someday it all will. You bring to see the miracle in life thru birth and love and cherish the moments that lead to our passing. You learn who your journey friends are, your phase friends, your so called friends, your learning friends, your growing friends, your moment friends...you learn the difference between all those friends. You learn who you can trust, count on and lean on. Who you can be real and bare your naked soul to--someone you are willing to see you at your absolute worse. You learn that life isn't always...ok its almost never about YOU! You learn that in order to receive you must give. Because people always end up getting just what they deserve. You learn to have faith in things that don't make sense or can't be explained-seen or touched. You realize that nothing stays the same or last forever---nor should it. Life changes-people change..things change. You learn that no one is perfect and everyone has flaws...everyone is different. Being imperfect is what makes us human. What makes us unquie and special. You learn to see imperfect people perfectly. You learn to love the cracks and flaws of people and of life more than you see the perfect traits. You learn that life isn't about reaching a certain point to be happy. Life isn't about when you reach a certain point to begin...YOUR LIFE IS NOW. Life isn't a fairytale...sometimes you don't have the job, house, man, ring, kids or the life you always dreamt you would have...BUT that doesn't mean your life is any less. You learn to create and live your own happiness...and not depend on others to bring it to you or give it to you. You realize that life isn't a timed journey--you don't have to do everything at a certain time for a certain time. Life is about finding yourself, creating yourself and defining yourself in such a way that you can give yourself back to life and to others. You learn what being a part of a family is really all about...and just how important it is to have it and be a part of it. You learn what being a true friend really is all about. what being true to yourself really means. What life is truly all about and you realize its best to give of yourself--your love-your hugs-your time-your smiles & laughter-your kindess-your understanding..because its better to give it all away...its better to share your life than to keep it all to yourself and live alone. For eveything is better shared...to laugh with someone-cry with someone...Life seems to last forever but really it never ends up lasting long enough...because at any moment it could be over...and I want to be able to leave this earth knowing I lived my days to the very fullest...that I gave the best of myself to this life--to those around me..I don't want to save one single drop of living in my soul...when I take my last breath..i want to be able to say I am empty...I laughed-I smiled-I loved-I gave-I befriended-I lived to the very fullest...for all that stays once I leave is the impression I give-the love I gave and the legacy that I leave behind..I am in no ways perfect...but I want to say I gave it my all...And I feel that as long as I keep learning--from everything life throws at me--from all those that walk with me or in & out of my life--as long as I never take for granted one single day-one single person--as long as I let go...I feel that I might just be on the right track to do so.
Thursday, July 10, 2008
Have you ever wondered if the moments in our lives define us or do we define the moments in our lives...did i lose you?? Have you ever wondered what your life would be like if just one person was taken out of it...Would you notice what was missing--would your life change so much that you would be completely different as a person as well as where you would be in your life today if they weren't here? I sometimes catch myself doing this because i think to myself do the people in our lives define our lives...are they the difference...do they make the difference? Life is about feeling and breathin with one's soul....about all the ups and downs this crazy ride we call life takes us on each and everyday...so to me..yeah it would be life altering if just that one person was missing...For i know we learn to live and learn what life is really about thru others...its a gift they give us with their friendship and love...we learn from each other and in return are able to b more of who we are truly meant to be..we are able to live the life we were always meant to have and live because of the people we share it with..for if you take one person out and then another and another..before you know it..you will be all alone...and a life lived all alone is one that i would feel would be dark and cold. So here's to the people in our lives..who thou at times test us, push us, tork us, bother us..still make all the difference in the world.
Wednesday, July 2, 2008
Bridgette...I met her my freshman year of college...she lived right down the hall...she was the first person to welcome me when I moved into the dorms that second semester after transferring from the upper classmen dorms. The first girl on the floor to include me and invite me to party with them that night. She and I had a connection that would bond us for life...because of a man that changed my life and a man that also helped changed her's...both go by the name of Mr. Swegarden... brothers and teachers-english teachers..what a small world...She saw the picture of Mr. Jay Swegarden in my dormroom that first day and something looked familiar to her about it...like she saw it before...sure enough she did...it was the same one that sat on Mr. Jeff Swegarden's desk in her high school english room...and thats all it took for me to feel at home with her...For I tend to be shy...believe it or not...and from that moment I felt like I could just talk to her...When I think of a true being...a down to earth person...someone who just loves...someone who doesn't judge in any way shape or form...someone who knows the secret of life, love and friendship...I ALWAYS think of Bridgette...For that is just who she was way back then, who she always was and still is...its in her nature to just care, to take the time, to listen, to love, to give, to understand...to remain a true friend even when she isn't treated like one. We drifted apart due to my being...not her...but when I came to realize this...she was still there...her friendship and love never faded...her faith in me and vision of me never blurred...she always just saw ME..At times I never felt like I deserved such a true being in my life...for her friendship was and still is so different from all those that I have in my life...its so rare and so special in a way that I can never fully explain or find the words to even try. She knows me without even trying...without hearing all my stories...without spending day after day with me...She just some how knows without a word...I know people tend to use this saying alot..that person is one in a million...that person is so rare...But i can truly say that she is so unqiue and rare...that you would not find another person like her in this world...some may be close...but she will still stand out more to me. I know things would be even more if I lived closer to her...we would take in concerts like jack johnson or keri noble..you would find us hanging out at a coffee shop or some classy low key bar...we would take in movies like sex in the city...and make casey come! we would eat out all over the cities and go shopping while casey holds our bags...I would spend Sunday's at the Martini's household with her, cas, Jay and Vick...how I would LOVE that...Our lives right now...at least mine keep me from doing so...but I know she would love for me to be just down the street or the next sub over...SOMEDAY..don't count me out just yet...For if she knows anything about me...even when she sees it...i always have to find my own way...and I am lucky that she not only sees it...but more importantly she lets me find it and take my own time...no matter how long it takes me...Thank You Bridgette...for always seeing more in me than I ever could. For always having faith in my even when I didn't. For always giving me your very best of friendship and love. For always just seeing ME...the best in me esp when I didn't give it or show it. For always just being there waiting for me to find myself. For always giving me the best welcoming smile and best goodbye hugs. For being the type of friend I have always wanted to be...trust me..what you may think that comes so nature to her...isn't something that can be done so easy...I know I will be friends with her for ever...how can I be so sure...because of the past...for when we drifted apart we found our way back...Because of forgiveness, understanding, friendship and love...because its Bridgette and because its me...and because I already found out what life was like without her and its something I am not willing to ever do again. Because when I am with her...time just seems to stop and the laughter never stops. Because its so simple when I spend time with her--so easy and carefree and laid back to hang out with her and Casey...its that at home feeling they both give to you...Because they both have been and always will be true life friends to me..The ones that don't fade even if you haven't seen them forever...the type of friendship that lasts...they are two of my life journey friends...that I will always find blessed to have with me on this journey of life.
Seven girls...each so different-a single strand that encompasses their being but yet all together those strands are completed to form a solid friendship built of strength, love, laughter and so much more. I am not sure how I ever got to be blessed with their friendship-but I do know that I will never let that friendship or one of those girl's escape from my life. Together we laugh til we cry. We create memories that we will never forget. We divide sorrow and double happiness. I have complete trust and faith in each and every single one of those girls. I know I can be my complete true self and they will not judge me or try to change me. They truly are just down to earth girls that just want to have fun. All we need is a case of beer or a bottle...i mean bottles of wine and we are set. The time we spend together is now short and long in between but it doesn't matter...we pick right where we left off and tend to have the best of times together. They are that core group of girls that I know will be in my life for the many many years to come. I have never been truly mad at them...even when they left me in the cities downtown...shit happens. I have never thought anything but the best of each of them...it is what makes us all so different that makes our friendship so strong...There's a bit of each of us in all of us...For i know they were right with me on the beaches in Australia, skiing right by my side on the slopes in the fish...they are everywhere I go...I see their smiles and hear their laughter....even when they are far...they are always right with my in my heart. I am one lucky gal to just happen to fall upon the friendships of a lifetime. A friendship that I am hoping and knowing that I will have a lifetime to come. For I don't see my life without them in it. I can't think of girlfriends without thinking of them. Its these girls that I would call with best news ever or the worse news ever. The ones that I know that will make me laugh and dry my tears...I am blessed beyond words.