Monday, December 28, 2009

live in the moment

Tonite I had this simple everday gift of spending time with mother nature. As I walked Kobe (my family's black lab) I almost just wanted time to stop. The moment was almost surreal. The moon lite up the frosted pines in a shade of white that almost looked silver. The snow looked as if it were sprinkled on the land like you would if you were baking cookies. The sky dark as it was black made the stars seems like they were stick on sticks from the pages of scrapebooks postioned just here and there and over there. There was not even a light breeze. It was utter peace. Pure nature silence. The only sound that could be heard was that of the snow crunching under my shoes and of a dog exploring the mountains of Montana.

This moment which is now a memory costed me nothing but a few moments of my day and a few cold fingers and toes. I only had to venture just beyond my door step and I was there. And I realized in that more the blessing it was for me to have it. I realized the gift I had been given. And I hope that I never take such moments for granted. Beauty surrounds me with every turn of my head--- I just have to be willing to venture out and live in the moment.

Sunday, December 27, 2009

29 years

Today is a day of reflecting. Of thinking of all that has been and yet to be. I think of all the moments of my life that I thought life could never get any better- life couldn't top this...and yet it did. I think of all the moments where I never thought the tide would turn. Of the times where I thought I never was able to pick myself back up and tryin again was an impossible task...and yet I did. I think of all the people that have blessed my life with their laughter, smiles, friendship, love and life lessons. I think of all the memories I have created. 29 years full of life yet it seems like just a short breath from yesterday. How did time move so fast!? Where did the time go?!

I know my years have been filled and lived well. But what I wish for this year is for the next 29 years of my life (if I am ever so grateful to have) to be lived not not just filled but full-- not just lived well but lived great. I wish for the strength and courage and yes even will to dream- to chase and to grasp. I wish for my best days and best years still to come not to have been. I wish to be blessed with double the smiles-laughter-love-friendships and life lessons from others. I wish for just a simple life filled with moments that are capped full for the things that matter. I simply wish for the chance to live this life... My life to the very fullest.

Saturday, December 26, 2009


They say the world is what you make of it, and to me that first all starts with what you make of yourself...who you are-what you stand for-what you live for and how you see the world & handle what this life brings to you. This life to me is about learning, growing, changing, letting go, and embracing. Its about facing the darkness and sorrow that life holds with the same grace, pride and strength we do when we embrace the happiness and sunshine of our brightest days. Its about what our name truly stands for - words like compassionate, understanding, kind, patient...these are things I strive everyday to make darn sure that someday my name will stand for such things. This world can be so messy, but in the same breathe so utterly amazing. For I have found that even in my lowest of lows I have so many gifts and blessings that surround me - ONLY if I CHOOSE to see. ONLY if I CHOOSE to embrace. ONLY if I CHOOSE to see the Glass of Life HALF FULL and not half empty. ONLY if I CHOOSE to have an open heart and mind. ONLY if I CHOOSE to let go. ONLY if I CHOOSE to forgive. ONLY if I CHOOSE forgiveness over bitterness. ONLY if I CHOOSE love over hate. ONLY if I CHOOSE to see good over the wrong. ONLY if I...ONLY if I... I hold the power over my good days and my bad days. I hold the fate of the Life I will lead and live. I hold the power of what my name will stand for by the choices I make, the words I speak, and the actions I compose. This life may be filled with darkness as much as it is filled with happiness, yet its ONLY I who control how I will be affected by such events. Its thats simple...

The world is what YOU make of it. And it all starts with what you make of YOURSELF.... So today I strive to face whatever life brings to me with strength, pride and grace. I strive to find laughter in all moments of this life esp in the midst of tears. I strive to find reasons everyday to LOVEthisLIFE. I strive to smile til my face is covered with wrinkles. I strive to love until my heart bursts. I strive to show understanding, kindness, patience, and compassion to all. I strive to live in such a way that one day my name won't just known, but worth remembering. That my name won't be just a name but will stand for something...And ONLY I hold the tools to do such things and live life in such a way. And ONLY YOU...have the power in your life.

Friday, December 25, 2009

A Christmas Wish

For 2009 I wish for forgiveness of my short comings, failures and mistakes. I wish for growth and wisdom from my wrong doings. I wish that in my weaknesses I find someday strengths. I wish for another healthy 365 days. I wish for more laughter than tears. I wish for my loved ones a peaceful and happy new year. I wish that I, You and all find the blessings in this life whether we be walking with the warmth of the sun or with the bitter darkness. I wish that we find ourselves laughing and smiling in all of our coming days not just the picture perfect ones. I wish that the challenges and changes that will be forthcoming in 2010 be ones that force me to grow-gain and become. I wish for a year of not standing still but one of constant moving. I wish to be challenge outside my comfort zone and experience new places, things and so on.

On this Christmas Day away from my family, I wish them the gift of love, happiness and health. I wish them many smiles across their faces and that their laughter echo thru out the house. And above all I hope they know the blessing they are and the gift that they are in my life...Together and especially apart-they will always be a huge part of my life. And I am soo grateful to call them Family. Though Christmas just isn't the same when it isn't spent with them, I know that somewhere they are all gathered - throwing wrapping paper at Aunt Karla, watching Aunt Renee carry around an endless glass of wine, jumping a bonfire, eating way too much turkey, playing games, singing Christmas Carols and just enjoying each others company. And knowing that those things always stays the same makes smile.


Wednesday, December 23, 2009

I am Thankful

December 23, 2009 can you believe tomorrow will be Christmas Eve? Where did the time go?? So we have just another day to bring to mind all the blessings and gifts we have in our lives. I am thankful for a fun loving and (yes most of the time crazy) supportive family. I am thankful for my true journey friends. I am thankful for a roof over my head and money in my pocket-even if its only 50 cents. I am thankful for my good health and the ones I love. I am grateful for being just where I am at. I am thankful for my freedom, being able to voice my thoughts and views. I am thankful for this life that I am simply able to live how I choose... I am truly thankful for so many things.

Monday, December 21, 2009


It amazes me how if you just let time and life flow its course the healing and letting go and well change in itself seems to losen its grip on you. Loss - Death and sorrow can consume you. And I have yet to know what is best: to hold onto such things or to just let life and time take its course. When you hold on the memories tend to remain soo fresh. The love is so deeply felt. I think of the people I have lost in this life and how real those memories were to the point you thought you never would forget. But then one day you awake and find that the tears have dried - the frowns have turned into laughter and the memories have become a bit hazy. We slowly let go so we can create new memories and find happiness in our lives instead of sorrow.

I never thought I would forget the sound of my grandmother's voice but lately I just can seem to hear how she would say my name. I never thought I would forget the feeling of her arms embracing me in one of her hugs. Which are constant reminders that life is helping me slowly let go. Yet there are some things that I hold onto so dearly still; like how her book of psalms and bible seem to just open to right where she left off or to the passages she read over and over. I remember right after she left this earth I got a few hankies from my aunts that were hers. I found myself smelling them everyday because they smelt of her. And one day the smell started fading. I found myself feeling like I was losing her all over again. Because to me that's what true loss is... Slowly just losing a piece at a time til there's really nothing left to truly hold onto of them in this life. So I decided to pack it away in a suitcase of hers and only open up that case when I truly need her. And in a way that's how life works. It takes things away from you only to bring them back to help you realize that what seems gone isn't truly lost.

My grandfather gave me one of granny's necklaces and I wear it daily as a constant reminder that thou she isn't in a place that I can reach her. hug her. or hear her. She is still with me. And I feel that's the way its meant to be. We are meant to let go-to heal-to change-to carry on. Because soo much still remains. Soo much love and laughter. And thou its hard at times for all of us to let go- we must get our fill on life's good stuff while we can. For it will be just a matter of time til we will be reunited with those we have lost.

So on this holiday season I want to remember the lives of Granny-Grandpa Jake-Jay Swegarden,Ben Lenzen, Amy Kritzberger, Simon Schroder, Ken Toop, Alec Lausen, Jo Swegarden,Aarron Bauman, Lindsey Cunningham, Derek Martin, Damian Kunkel, Ryan Havelka, Dennis Paulsrud, Chris Vettel, Shannon Huber, Rhonda Gunsch, Keith Smetie, and so many others as well as those loved ones gone from your life. Though time has gone on we have not forgotten their love and thou the light of their soul has faded for us to brightly see, I know that its only because it has moved not been blown out. For somewhere it is burning bright and we will see it again and feel their warmth one day.

My thoughts and prayers are with these people's families for I know they are missed and thought about each and every holiday and esp to those who are for the first time having a holiday without a loved one. I pray you still see the gifts in this life even thou it seems like they have been all taken from you this holiday season. For thou its your first Christmas without its their first Christmas with those all up there.

So take the time to remember those we can no longer see-hear and hug...they are always worth remembering and speaking of...for in a way it brings a piece of them back to us with just remembering.

Saturday, December 19, 2009


"Somebody lives...someboday dies...somebody wrongs and a mother cries. And I don't know why. Somethings we will never understand. Other things we will change if we can. PEACE you will find it where the heart is and the heart is right where LOVE lives. LOVE can always find a way. HOPE is something that reminds us. Its not too late to find us. One day we may be in PEACE... Its all about forgiveness. With God as my witness... I wanna live to see PEACE"...

Its this time of year we reflect, we think back, we remember. Of the memories of both happiness and sorrow. Of overcomings and shortcomings. Of the hurt we caused and the forgiveness we were given. Its each of these moments that we bring to mind, whether they be moments of spent in sunshine or in moments we would rather forget... help us in some sort of shape and form to grow and become. Its easy to grow from success, happiness and time spent in the sunshine. But the real growth, the real becoming are from the moments where we find ourselves in the darkness, where we have fallen smack on our faces, where we have failed and messed up beyond what we think is forgivable, where our hearts are filled with sorrow that we feel that never ends. For in those moments where we thought the tide would never turn, where we thought the grip would never let up, where we wanted to cash it all in... Somewhere inside of us--we found the courage and the strength to hold on. to carry on, to pick ourselves back up, to believe in hope and in life. And from those darkest of moments we were granted growth, strength and one piece more of becoming who we are meant to be.

Life is made up of a thousands simple moments. Combining them all we find the story of our journey in this life. I know of sorrow, of failure and of regret. I often carry with me a thousands questions of why's left with no answers, of moments begging for understanding...but yet I still hold onto HOPE... that one day the pieces will come together. HOPE... that one day I am granted forgiveness. HOPE... that I will always grow from my failures-sorrow and darkest moments of life. HOPE... that one day I will find myself living in PEACE... HOPE... that one day you will too. HOPE... that one day we all will live in PEACE... Til that day...I will wrap myself in HOPE - layered in LOVE and coated with FAITH...and only then will I feel the warmth of this LIFE.

Wednesday, December 16, 2009

A Winter Blessing

Soon the mountain will be filled with families and guest who have traveled to Whitefish to spend their christmas and winter holiday in the fish. It will become well madness here...people everywhere! But what a joy to see a family together spending the holiday in each others company. It seems like on those family trips everyone gets along and everyone is glad to be in each other's company. Everyone has a smile on their face and a please and thank you.

It is in a way a gift to be able to witness this- to see the happiness and love in the riders and skiers on the mountain. I love Whitefish in the Winters and Christmas on the slopes. It is a magical place in this little ski town. I could try to explain the magic it holds but its one of those things you just have to be here to hopefully know the blessing---for its a feeling that just overcomes you when you see the snow covering the landscape before in white-the stillness that is in the air and the softly fallen snow that adds even more to the moment... In many ways its like spending Christmas in the North Pole. I have been skiing and better to other places but I have yet to find such a place that could top Life in the Fish for Christmas. And with knowing that I know of my winter blessing.... To call this place home and even more so being someone that helps others fall in love with this magical place and have a winter blessing of their own this season.

Tuesday, December 15, 2009

Happy Holidays

It smells of fresh pine and cinnamon. The twinkle and sparkle of the tree with ornaments reflecting the christmas lights. And to top it off snow is softly falling down... You might just think I am living in the Norht Pole... close... Its Christmas in Whitefish... and let me tell you its a magical place here. The town is festive and the people greet you with a Happy Holidays and a Merry Christmas. The snow transforms this town and mountain into a winter wonderland. You can't help but hmm a tune of frosty, or its beginning to look a lot like christmas...

So as I sit here and type to the world of unknow readers...I am filled with peace - joy - love... to be right where I am at - at this very moment. I am not quite sure what could top this holiday moment... Gosh I love holiday moments... and I hope to have heaps more before the big man gets here on Christmas Eve.

Happy Holidays.

Sunday, December 13, 2009


We all have something that we wish we could take back. We all have something called regret. If we didn't have at least one of these such things we wouldn't be human. Because that's what we do...we fail. We mess up. We make mistakes. We are quick with our words when our thoughts and feelings truly don't agree. We hurt.

Yet the truth of it is that somethings can never be taken back. Some mistakes are unfixable and some mess ups can't fully be cleaned up. Sometimes no matter how hard we try we can't put things back together and pretend like nothing ever went wrong. In the end all we are left to is living with it.

We can try to forget but well even when I try I still remember. It will sneak up on you in your moments of the day sometimes invited as a friendly reminder of the lessons you learned from the regret(s) you carry in your life. Sometimes they blind side you and suck the life right out of you. And sometimes its just constant-you can never escape it. You learn to pick it up each day and carry it with the same way you brush your teeth and put your socks on each morning. You try so hard to find ways to put it down but its hold is too deep.

What's the point of regret? Well I am still learning...but I am sure it has to deal with learning. I am sure its there to haunt us with what happens when we hurt. When we are less than who we are. When we know our actions are wrong and still go about doing them. Regret are wounds that never fully heal-we are forced to adjust our life around them so they in the end become apart of our life. Which is mainly why I refuse to have even one. But even I am not above such things. Maybe someday I will just carry such things with me without even knowing-kind of like brushing my teeth-i don't think about having to do it...I just do it. And yet sometimes I hope I never do forget the mistakes I have made and the hurt I have caused so I know and learn from them. So in some way I become better and more because of the regrets I have and not less.

Saturday, December 12, 2009

i hope...

...sometimes this life just doesn't make sense...we search and grasp for understanding...and yet in the end this life isn't meant to be understood...just lived to the depths of your soul...more than anything I want to trust in a journey that i don't understand...

i pray for those who we have lost much too soon. i pray for the mistakes i have made. i pray for forgiveness. i pray that someday i will have reason to all my unanswered questions. i pray that you forgive. i pray that you embrace life's gift. i pray that somehow in the end this life will make sense. i pray that you know that no amount of failure or struggle will make you less in this world. i pray that you always know you are never alone.

this holiday season i pray that you ... say i love you, you matter, you are a gift, you belong, you make a difference...don't let someone slip thru the cracks. don't let someone think they don't matter. don't let someone think they are unforgiveable, unlovable...speak the words that your heart feels for your friends, your family...

Thursday, December 10, 2009

Gone too soon.

Just moments ago, I was told of some terrible news. A student at Whitefish High took his life today, he was a senior with the world at his finger tips. After spending a year sub teaching at the High School I was given the chance to get to know most of the students, Derek was one of them. I am having a hard time gasping with the Why's...My heart just aches for a life that was taken before it was ever meant to be over. My heart aches for the students of Whitefish and the teachers. My heart aches for his family... his mother, who is a teacher at WHS. It aches to the point where it almost sucks the air right out of my lungs.

Death never comes at a point where we like it, its always unwelcomed in our lives... But right before Christmas tears at my heart even more. When you teach and coach those students aren't just students...they become your kids...every last one of them...even the ones that cause all hell and test you...ALL of them. I think of my Packer punks daily...and I always find myself praying that if they ever feel like the tide is taking them down to reach out and ask for help. I pray that they realize that they aren't alone. That they realize that tough times don't last...but tough people do. I pray they know someone will understand-if that someone is me or whoever...but someone will. How did Derek not know these things? How did he just slip thru the cracks? How did you ever think his life wasn't good enough to be lived?

Thou I didn't know you very well, Derek. You were such a polite, kind and hard working student. And I hope that you know realize what a true gift your life really was. And I pray that the life you will never have a chance to live will be a hard life lesson for friends and classmates...that they realize the things you never fully knew... That you are not alone, that someone does care, that someone does understand, that your life is a gift, that you are loved, that tough times don't last-tough people do, that you are forgiven for mistakes you never think can be forgiven. That you are worthy of living this life, that you ... YOU... belong... YOU fit... YOU just being YOU is enough...I wish you knew such things Derek...May the angels lead you into paradise...and may God wrap his love and strength around your family and friends.

Wednesday, December 9, 2009


I am a little late...BUT well on Nov 6, 2009 I was unable to post the blog I wanted to write. So today, a month and 3 days later I am writing it. I called and talked to her-which is what really matters on her Birthday! RIGHT!?!? But I will officially say it here now... Happy Belated Birthday Rebecca Jean Rodine-Undem!!

Rebecca aka Big Mama (and its not because she is BIG or at the time a Mama) OR Becca was my college roommate. We met in an Interior Design Class when I was a sophmore at North Dakota State. Thou we both switched majors soon after, it didn't matter the friendship was already formed and we knew it would last from then on out. The following semester we became college roommates...and for the remaining two years that Big Mama had til graduation as a Bison we lived together.

Oh the fun times we had. Some of my favorite memories of college ever were shopping at 3am at Walmart with her. Sometimes we were well a little impaired other times most prolli thought we came straight from the bars but in fact completely sober. Usually those were the times in Decemeber where we would go Christmas shopping for our apartment. One Christmas we had our very own Charlie Brown Christmas Tree-which I at a later date I decided to cut down and bag for removal with a streak knife...but thats a story for a different time and place. Living with Big Mama always meant singing Christmas music the day after Thanksgiving and having our radio tuned into the River 95.1 for 24/7 Christmas songs. To this day she calls me the day after Thanksgiving to sing the first Carol of the season to me. Gosh was the winter holidays a fun time with her and I.... and oh do I miss it!!

Becky was always a good influnce on me...for the most part. She could speak and understand Michellish from the start. She got my strange sense of humor. And for a person who was very private and didn't so much as like to discuss anything about myself--oh did she have a way of sucking info and thoughts out of me. Thou times have changed and distance is now between us...Becky has not changed one bit.

She is still kind, still a ball full a fun, still all about the holidays, still can suck out info and thoughts out of me, still can speak and understand Michellish...But now is also an amazing mom and wife. Two roles she was well...BORN to be! And I know first hand she rocks at both!! She has always been someone I can fully and completely count on and trust in. She has always been understandings, encouraging and supportive --esp when it comes to well my strange and most of the time random ways of living and thinking.

Today and ALWAYS Rebecca...I hope you know how every special you are. And what a true blessing you are to those who know and love you. I knew from the very moment I met you, that you were something special. And I am so thankful that we sat down next to each other and started talking... I am so thankful for all the memories I have with you, and all of the fun times we had together. I know we are both busy and life sometimes has different plans than we have in mind...but I know our friendship will never fade. Its like how I can count on year after year after year...that on Black Friday- my phone will ring and you will be there singing the first Christmas song of the season... thats our friendship...something we can both always count on... Love ya BIG MAMA...

Tuesday, December 8, 2009

Just a Tuesday Winter...

So today, I am nestled up in my warm and cozy mountain home. With the smell of pine and cinnamon filling the room. I decided what a perfect time to spend the day watching my christmas movie collection...When its too cold outside to go skiing on my off days... than its a perfect time to get in the holiday spirit. So I am goin to go and cover up with my winter blanket with a nice cup of hot cocco and continue on with Miralce on 34th Street....Next up will it be Its a Wonderful Life or ELF...decisions decisions.... Wishing you a Happy Holidays!!

Monday, December 7, 2009

My Christmas Wish.

Maybe its the holidays, maybe its people making an extra effort to show kindness and compassion. Maybe its because everywhere I look I see a face smiling back at me. Maybe its because I hear thank you so much more. Maybe its because its around this time of year people are coming together and just enjoying the company of others. Maybe its because so many are realizing what this holiday it truly all about. Its just a blessing I guess you could say, to walk the streets and hear a happy holidays or merry christmas to you. You see....people for some reason get it around the holidays. They finally see that the best gifts they can give others is simply something that costs nothing and well can't be found anywhere but inside of your heart. They are saying such words as Thank you, Your welcome, I forgive you, I love you, I am grateful, I am blessed. Such words as I hope the coming year is gentle to you, I wish you a Merry Christmas...Happy Holidays....Its a smile from a stranger, its holding open a door, its giving a helpful hand....its these well simple simple simple things....that well in all honestly could be done all year along but for some reason most of the time you only see them around the holidays....YET in all honestly that is better than nothing.

I have had the blessing of having 28 Winter Holidays...soon to be 29...and there are soo many moments to choose from but one I would like to share...As a child, I remember goin to midnight mass in my grandparents church...Before this church remodeled...they had huge cement steps leading up to the church doors. And it was a Christmas tradition to gather on those steps at midnight --no matter what it was like outside-- and sing christmas carols...I will never forget one Christmas prolli when I was 9 or 10...standing on the church steps holding Granny's hand...and well as a girl of that age...I typically hated or at the very least couldn't stand my brothers...esp my kid brother. But that Christmas I remember not only was I holding my grandmother's hand but also one belonging to someone on most days who drove me to almost taking his life(my brother, Jacorian)...even then I realized that thou he was on most days a huge some strange way I was grateful that he was a pain in my life...because it meant he was in my life. OH course after the singing was over it went right back to him being a pain and me wanting to take his life... But it just goes to show you...Christmas has a million moments of people showing kindness, compassion, understanding, forgiviness and love....which in itself if you think about truly remarkable....

Everyone has their favorite part of the holidays. Some its frosting cookies, decorating the tree, christmas shopping, wrapping the gift so perfectly...Some its the gathering of family and friends, some its midnight mass in a candle lite church.... Well I guess mine is a bit of all...but if I truly had to pick...its hearing the laughter bounce off the walls in a house filled with my family. My favorite part is to step back in the shadows and just watch...just hear...just feel... For I can see-hear and feel the love that has blessed my life. And sometimes I feel like my heart could just brust into two because in those moments it is soo filled with love and happiness...And that feeling right me...thats what Christmas is all about.

So whats my Christmas wish this year...what do I want?? Well...I want someone to forgive someone they never thought they would. I want someone to hold open a door for a stranger. I want someone to hold their kid brother's hand and for at least ten minutes not have the urge to take his life :). I want someone to take a step back and for a moment truly see-hear and feel the love that surrounds them. I want someone to say thank you, your welcome, I forgive you, I love you. I want many many someone's giving the gifts that they have to offer that they carry in their hearts. WHAT a CHRISTMAS that would be if everyone showed understanding, kindness, compassion and love....not just to those they love and care about but to all....

Saturday, December 5, 2009

It's HERE...

December 5th, 2009....its the opening WINTER SEASON of 2009-2010 in Whitefish Montana. It just might be my favorite day ever. It just might be one of the best open ski days ever. Mother nature decided to give us an early christmas gift...5 inches of pow pow...and well still counting since as I type the snow if softly falling from the sky. Some people take this everyday place for granted. Some people don't realize that some save all year to ski and ride the FiSH. For us locals its our backyard. And for a select few ****ME included**** we call this Big Mountain our home and our doorsteps open to a slope....SO I ask you...FiSH LOVERS out there anything better than this? Opening day powder??? Is there anything better than a cold beer at the Stube??? Is there anything better than finishing the day knowing you will be back tomorrow??? Is there anything better than knowing today was just the first day and you have the whole winter season (filled with much much snow) to come??? Is there anything better than to call this winter wonderland HOME?? Is there anything better than WINTERS in WHITEFISH??????? TODAY was a double thumbs up -smile bigger than your face kind of day. LIFE IS GOOD.

Monday, November 30, 2009

Special People

There are few people in this life that well, are true livers of life. These are the people that some how seem to live life just a little different, almost in a way like they are carrying around the secrets of life. These are the people that you constantly find carryin the glass of life always half full. These are the people who don't get rattled, or set off course when life doesn't go how they plan. These are the people that adjust their life to the changes and always make the best of it. These are the people who smile and laugh thru tears and sorrow. These are the people who even in times they struggle to understand something or someone, they continue to try. These are the people who see past your mistakes and failures and just see the person you really are. These rare people are a true blessing in this life. These people are truly gifts from above. For I know that being these sort of people isn't easy. They are the example we are all trying to follow. They are the ones leading just by simply being themselves. Today I thank you for all the work you do behind the shadows. The little things that sometimes go your kindness, your never ending love, your compassion, your understanding, your prayers and worries you have for others, your caring ways. All the little things you do for those who sometimes don't even know or have the slightess clue. You are a someone to be always treasured and always treated with the same kind of compassion and kindness you show all in your life.

We ALL have these special people in our lives, some more than others. When was the last time you thanked these people. When was the last time you stopped and realized just how much they do to better your life for no other reasons other than they love you. Don't let these special people go without thanks. Don't let these special people be taken for granted. They deserve to hear your thoughts of thankfulness.

So TODAY and everyday...I am thankful to have YOU in my life. I am a better person because I have YOU in my life. I know my life is more fulfilled because YOU are teaching me everyday to be a better person and a better friend. THANK YOU.

People in my life that go by the names of Bridgette, Paula, Rebecca, Shannon, Brittany, Renee, Shelley, Jamie, Lindsey, Jami, Dee, Drex, Ali, Yalda, Mick, Heather, Jill, and the list goes on...YOU are rare special people that have filled my life with so many things that need to be embraced and brought to attention...your love, your kindness, your compassion, your understanding ways...but most of all... YOU just simply being who YOU ARE and always have been and will be. THANK YOU!!

Sunday, November 29, 2009

Thankful Tears

I have these moments where I swear life stops. Where I can feel in my soul moments that are meant to be framed frozen in my memory and kept always. We all have these moments where it feels more like looking at a snapshot than really living.

Some its the moment you first met 'the one.'. Some its the moment where you first felt your soon to be born child kick. Some its a blue bird peaceful day taking in the world at 6000 feet plus. Some its a moment tailgating in an over crowded parking lot with you best friends from college. Some its as simple as a hot cup of starbucks' best. Some have these moments rarely others they find these moments through out all the days of their lives.

When it comes down to it... These moments whether they be simple or once in a lifetime moments are in the end just moments frozen in time that remind us how blessed we are to be alive- to have such a moment. For we find ourselves loving life and just plain thankful.

We are all different and therefore all have different moments with its own special meaning that leave us feeling blessed. I see and know the importance of simple moments and know to never take even a simple thing for granted. And well I hope that I never will either. I am not an overly emotional person in public or in private for that matter. But there are many moments I find myself freezin moments of my life and saying this right here is what life is all about. This right here is something to be thankful for. This moment right here is a blessing. This moment right here my soul almost breaths it all in and without knowin where they come from or how my eyes fill with what I know call as thankful tears. For their purpose holds a meaning so powerful, so strong and so rich that well there are no words to describe what the true meaning such moments hold. And well can only be fully understood by the one that is living in that moment and yes, sometimes by the ones sharing in that moment.

I hope that each being on this earth regardless of their income status has enough of these moments to fill a life. I hope that all that I love and care about have their own set of memories with thankful tears. I hope that no one takes such simple moments for granted. And if so they do I hope one day they will see the true blessing in just simpley living. For this life holds so much greatness and soo many people and things to be thankful for... They are all around us moments just waiting to be frozen. Moments just waiting for thankful tears to stumble upon them...

Friday, November 6, 2009

Deer season NOPE Goldmann season

In a few days I will find myself standing out in the wide open North Dakota fields...where there's not a house or telephone pole in site. Where I have to sit just rite and hold my phone at such a degree in order to pick up a signal....making it even easier not to have a single care to even try. I will be surrounded by silence and fresh air. The voices I will hear are the only voices that when it comes down to it bring the true meaning into my life... "Michelle, you are suppose to be helping me scout for the deer" from my mom. "Hey Kelly" from my brothers. A laugh from Shonna and guidence to help me kill the big buck from my dad. Its a time where the six of us cram into a 70's tiny camper and eat drink and laugh. A time where most of the jokes are at my expense but I laugh anyways. For I don't care what makes us all laugh together all that matters is the sound of our laughter becoming one strong sound.

For a person who has an obession with showering the minute she wakes up for once I just give in and put on yesterday's socks. Without even a word(AMAZING I KNOW). Because only once a year if I am lucky I find myself out in the middle of nowhere forgetting about the dramas of the world only to connect with the great outdoors and bond with the lives that my life is wrapped around.

I am not a big deer hunter. Well I am not a big hunter at all. But well there's only 5 people I can think of that can get me to wear yesterdays socks and pee in the prarie (yes-i still have to stripe down in order to not pee on myself--) only five people who I would even think of being crammed into a 70's camper with. Only five people who I would let tell jokes at my expense. To most its deer season... To me well its Goldmann season. A time to shut off the world around me and tune into the Goldmann world that matters. And if I am highly and completely lucky maybe I will shoot that big buck...maybe but in all honestly higly unlikely. Its ok its not what brings me to the middle of nowhere...

Friday, October 30, 2009

Oh the places he will go...welcome BAYLOR

I am a few days late but in my books its still news worth hearing and celebrating. Oct 27th 2009 brought the arrival of 8lbs 8ozs 21 inches Baylor Thomas Petrie.... Welcome to this life little guy. I hope you have your daddy's smile, Laken's cute chubby cheeks and a gentle soul like your mommy's. You are already such a blessed soul to call such people your family. You are already loved so by not only your mommy, daddy, big sister and grandparents as well as aunts and uncles but friends as well. I look forward to meeting you one day soon. Til then I hope you just relax and enjoy being ooo awwed spoiled loved cuddled kissed and hugged every second of the day. Just be your cute little self for you already have ALL of us wrapped around your little fingers and completly in love with you! I am so happy you have arrived. Know just how special it is to call such people mommy and daddy because I know just how special it is to call them friends. I know much lies ahead of you in this life and with a support system that you have been welcomed into this world with that future is as bright as the sun and filled with much love and happiness... Oh the places you will go Baylor Thomas oh the places you will go...

Thursday, October 22, 2009

The Tree of Life

I was standing in a golden field under a bright blue sky filled with puffy clouds (know the kind the ones you would see on the simpsons or the ones the care bears live on somewhere). A field I have driven by each and every time I have ever left or came to Beulah driving on Hwy 49... Yet it was the first time I ever took the time to stop and take in this place I drove straight pass and only enjoyed for a few split seconds...

Lining the field was a tree shelterbelt. A line of trees all of the same kind. Planted all on the same day. Yet now with the leaves falling off exposing its skeleton core and taking a closer look... not a single one of those trees were the same. One grew its branches reaching up to the sky. One fat and plump. Another never made it after a couple of years. One grew out instead of up. One bent over, one split into two, one half falling over, one struck with disease, one half dead... After taking a closer look I realized each one was so very different... Driving pass and taking a glance they all looked the same. But glazin at their true skeleton they were anything but...their goal and purpose was living yet each one had a different growing journey...each one lived their own life adding their own flaws, traits and touches...which in return gave each tree charcter and made each one different.

I thought about that and then how we all have the same purpose and goal ... To LiVE... Simply LiViNG ... yet each and everyone of us lives this life completely different. Just like a row of trees growing in a field there's no right or wrong way of living. We each take our own journey. We each learn thru lessons and failures. We each have our perfection as well as flaws. We each face trials, struggles, heartache, challenges and changes as well as happiness, laughter, love, and success. The very things that makes us different are the very things that gives us charcter and in a way makes us the same.

We all have our own views and opinions yet not a single one of us carries a cheat sheet that gives us the true right anwswers to living this life. We are all simply living...We are all simply trees in a golden field starring up at a bright blue sky filled with puffy clouds... Each of us taking a different growing journey... Each of us just living... I know fully understand the meaning the tree of life... In more ways than just one.

Wednesday, October 21, 2009


We all have those places...those moments in our life that help us get away and forget about everything in this world. Where we can retreat to a perfect, loving, happy and safe world.

Some are there when they walk in their front door. Some when they find themselves cooking or baking. Some when they are surrounded by their love ones. Some when they are working on a beat up '75 Ford or hunting down the big buck. Yet others when they are hiking, running, teaching, reading, scrapbooking, sewing, shopping, decorating, driving or praying. We all have those places and moments that can take us away. Most have to drive somewhere or have to be doing something to take them there like baking a cake.... We find ourselves wanting and needing to do such things when the road gets tough and this life gets too much... All I need to do is.. just be still... I close my eyes...

And I am on my grandfather's lap laughing, I am baking cookies with my grandma, I am riding bike with my chidhood friends, I am sitting in a hot tub under the stars dreamin about the future with my childhood best friend brooke, I am building forts in the snow with my brothers, I am watching and feeding the birds with gramps, I am watching old movies with granny,
I am riding in a beat up blue van with my family going everywhere and no where at all, I am in a dorm room stayin up talking all nite with Paula, I am sitting on a deck with my favorite 6th grader-Jami, I am singing along with Barney with Brittaney, I am watchin the Golden Girls with Janelle, I am on the back of a bus late at night coming home from a game with Shannon, Brittany and Emily. I am driving the one ton in the man camps with Lins and Kelcey. I am on a Girls Scout trip with mom, I am cooking with Uncle Brad, I am watching Hannah Montana with Sabrina and Sadey, I am watching Sarah ski down a double diamond swearing at me for tellin her it was a blue, I am sitting on the Packer bench, I am christmas shopping at 3am at Walmart with Becky, I am walking the streets of Boston with Happy Whale, I am causing trouble in Medora with Dana, I am holding Sharlotte for the first time, I am dancin to footloose with Roberto, Wanna and Brother. I am walking with Sounder, Stormy and Kobe. I am in a hs english class with Mr. Swegarden. I am layin in a bed laughing and eating with Dee Dee, I am sitting at my parents table eating and laughing with my family. I am on a road trip with Brother, I am testing Robert-o patience, I am at Buffalo Wild Wings with the Knitting Cirlce, I am on a beach in Australia with my mates, I am with LG at the summit standing in awww, I am coachin a softball game, I am making Mady Kay laugh, I am having a drink with my crazy fun Aunts -Renee and Shelley, I am taking photos with my first camera in NYC, I am on a tiny boat fishing. In a 70's camper sleeping in mid Novemeber. I am at a Leap 27 concert with Bee, I am playin card games with Hyatt at 4am, eating buttered popcorn for breakfast with Aunt Karla, I am walkin the streets of Duluth with the girls, I am hiking glacier-skiing the fish-walking the coast. I am laughing with yalds and al-pal, I am watching the hangover for the 200th time with Mat, I am camping on a June day with the crazy people I call my family...

I am at all the places with all the people that have brought and have given meaning to my life... so when this world gets crazy and when I get to the point where I have had all that I can stand.... I close my eyes... and just be STiLL...

Its a place where every part of me is known... Its a place that I will always be at home... I am at these places with these people on really no big special days at the time... but now looking back those no big deal of days are the ones that mean the very most to me. These are the moments that bring me peace, and give me a place to retreat that are filled with security-love and happiness.... And these very moments are the moments that assure me that life's plan is worth trusting-that this journey will take me to all the places and people I am meant to be... Thank God... I can go there - that I could then, now and still. Thank God...

Tuesday, October 20, 2009

i MiSS you, GRANNY

This day comes once a year. And its a day I hate yet celebrate. For she is no longer ill or in pain. Yet she is also no longer here. She was more than just my grandmother.

She was a call on a random Tuesday to talk about nothing special at all. She was a letter once a week during my entire time downunder just to let me know I was loved and missed. She was a hug and a kiss filled with pride and love. She was an example of true strength- faith and love. She was one of my dearest of friends...

You see my grandmother wasn't just a card on my birthday or a visit at the holidays. She was a face I saw every weekend and vacations growing up. She was a voice I heard cheering me and my brothers on in the stands. She was someone who always knew when to write and call. She was kindness. A woman with a gentle and understanding soul. She is someone I long just to hear her voice. She is someone I still search my mailbox for her letters. She is someone I still hope to see when I come to my grandparents house. She is someone I wish I could see standing at the back steps with a big smile waving me hello and goodbye. She is someone I imagine I would be embraced in her loving hugs. She is someone I miss on her birthday, the day she said I do, on christmas-thanskgiving-easter, on a tuesday or a sunday...

I miss her for all reasons and yet sometimes for no reasons at all.... And I know no matter how many years go by... I will only find myself missing her more and more... I miss you, Granny and love you even more!

Wednesday, October 14, 2009

holla for my Daddi-o!

Its a pretty special day because a pretty great guy was born on this day. You see this man well he is a good man. A man who leads by his example and not his words. A honest man. A hard working man. A man who can be at times stuck in his ways-but always bends for those he loves. A man who gives and works for his wife and family. A man who is funny and loving. A man that has raised my brothers and I to make sure our last name always stood for such words as honest, kind, loyal, and hard working. A man who called me his Dolly. A man I am proud to call my #1 guy....oh ya and Dad...Happy Birthday Daddi-o!!

Monday, October 12, 2009

a note to her


Friday, October 9, 2009

Running on Faith

Most of the time in life we don't know where the journey will take us but we travel down the road any ways. Some days we don't know if the sun will shine, if it will rain or even snow. But we live thru the day any ways.. Some are told they are sick, ill or even going to die. But we don't know if that will be what takes their last breath from them. We may be told all sorts of unbareable things but we don't realize how capable we are to overcome. We may take news right to the heart but we don't know what lessons and strength can be found in something evil. We may be knocked down and kicked but it will never keep us down forever. The human race has this amazing gift of enduring. Of fighting. Of overcoming. And most of the time they only thing we fight back with is faith.

We have faith that tomorrow won't be the same. We have faith that the tide will turn. We have faith the road will start looking down instead of climbing up. We have faith that the sun will shine. We have faith in a better day ahead. We have faith we will still laugh and smile. We have faith we can beat the unbeatable. We can bare the unbareable. We can endure the unthinkable. We can overcome the impossible.... Because we are capable of such things at all things if we run on faith.

99.9 percent of the time I have well not a clue where I am going. I am just a girl loving this life. I am just a girl trusting her journey. I am just a girl running on faith. and I believe even when I am risking it all by living such a way. Even if I have doubts take make me second guess myself from time to time. I found that I am trusting... I am letting go... And following a path that has been set before me. You will find me most of the time not having answers when it comes to the life I live because I am more focused on embracing this moment now. I am more focused living in this moment, more focused on smiling and laughing and less on where it will all lead me...

I am running on faith that the journey I am on in this life will be worth it each and every step of the way. And in the end how can I ever go wrong with faith as my guide? How can I ever not endure? Not bare? Not overcome?

So many around me are running on faith around me- they are single mothers, cancer fighters, struggling joe's and jane's supporting their children, they are a those who lost a loved one, they are fighting a war overseas...and so many others... If they can look life straight in the eye than we all should be able to in my eyes...All running on faith...

Thursday, October 8, 2009

Take a moment

Today I spent the day with a golden sun and an autumn breeze. With trees decorated with yellow orange and reds. It was a simple fall day...the best kind of day. A day filled with normals and routine. No where special to be yet it was right where I was meant to be at that moment.

I took a moment and looked around... I took a moment and took a deep breath and let the crisp fresh air fill my lungs.... I took a moment and let my eyes take in the colors... I took a moment and let the golden autumn sun warm my chilled skin... I took a moment and just lived in that very moment... I found I took more than a couple of those kinds of moments today... And found that each one was soo different yet carrying the same amount of meaning that made slowing down and living in the moment well worth it.

When was the last time you took a moment? When was the last time you slowed down? When was the last time you just stopped and took a breath? When was the last time you lived in the moment?

It was an everday normal average day... With no special place to go or be... Yet it was a day I know I will always remember. Because it was a day that allowed me to just be... To just breathe... To just smile... To just laugh... To just be in the moment... To just live... After all isn't that was life is all about? Isn't that what gives meaning to a life... How you spend your everyday normal average days? So take a breath. Live in the moment! Enjoy every moment of this life not just the special - important days. They are all worth slowing down for... All of them!

Its never too late to start... Start tomorrow... Start now... Take a moment!

Wednesday, October 7, 2009

Those people....

We all have those certain few in our lives that stand by us. That never judge us. That accept us for our faults and prized traits. That believe in us when we fail and love us even when we hurt them from time to time. Those select few that know our true smiles and can tell something is wrong by just the tone of your voice. Those who know us in ways that we don't at times even know ourself. They are the ones that define what true friendship is and what sisterhood means.

Yet sometimes these special people take things onto their plates that they don't deserve. We take things out on them because of the very fact we know they will still be there. Which well isn't ever right but it seems to be a part of life. I know I have done it more times than I would like to admit.

I have spent too much of my time caring about people that didn't show me the same. I have spent too much of my time trying to be a friend to some that have never been in return. I have spent too much of my time on the wrong people...its funny when you truly see the light and get it. Its soo simple yet at times so hard to do. I realize I can't change the world nor heal the world in all the lives I would like heck not even all the lives that I want. But try telling that to my stubborn pigheaded self because I still find myself at times trying to go thru a brick wall than be told she wasn't capable of breaking thru. Its alright being that person but not at the expense of the ones that truly matter.

Today I realize that when my time comes I will look back and wish I would have spent less time and energy on the people that really don't matter -the ones I should walk away from- the ones that aren't part of those people that I am blessed to have in my life. I don't want to wish on a someday that I spent more time with them. I don't want to wish I would have shown them how much they mean to me, how blessed I am to have them in my life. I don't want to find myself thinking gosh Michelle, you should have spent more of your time with the ones that bring meaning to your world not those that take it away. Spend more of my time with those that encourage me, believe in me, show me kindness, who love me and befriend me and less with those that either never do anymore or never had.

I am blessed with all sorts of people in my life. Each make up a part of me...but the ones that I am grateful for are those who know my smiles. For those who encourage me and believe in me, thru failure and success. For those who stand by me always, for those who love me just as I am. For those who listen and never judge. For those who help me grow, into the person I am meant to be by just being there and that's all they want...for me to just be there a part of their lives...and the only thing I ask in return of them....those my friend...are the ones that are worth keeping always in your life. Those are the ones that give meaning to this journey we call life....

Friday, October 2, 2009

His light still shines

"There are some who bring a light so great to the world that even after they have gone the light remains."

Today he would have turned 53. I wonder what he would look like. Would he have a head full of gray? I wonder if he still would be coaching and teaching. Would he still be at BHS? Who would he be today?

He has been gone for 10 years, 6 months, 2 weeks and 5 days. Yet at times it seems like just yesterday. There have been so many days I wish I could hear his stories full of guidence wisdom knowledge and advice. So many days I wish I could hear his laugh and feel just at ease in his presence. So many days I wish I could share with him my fears and hopes. Many more days where I wish he could have spent with his wife and daughter. Many more days where I wish he could have created memories with his brothers. Many more days where he could have educated touched and changed another student (s) life. So many days I wish he would have had...3,852 days...oh the things he could have done with those days if given the chance to have them. Yet its a powerful reminder that I have those days and counting to live my life to the very fullest because I simply have the chance to!

Even thou he is gone he still seems to be changing the many lives he left behind. His legacy still shines ever so bright in the lives he touched changed and loved. He was such a simple man who changed so many by just being himself and believing in those around him. He carried hope and faith and knew the rest the big guy would provide. He walked with grace and confidence. And thou at times his legacy might shadow over the life he led here on earth I know still it is a shadow he would always be able to fill. He was not made bigger in is not his legacy that changed so many lives but the life he lived that made the lasting impact. He made so many footprints in the hearts of many but unlike footprints in the sand that can be washed away by the seas of time... His footprints will forever be imprinted in the lives he touched changed and loved.

Happy Birthday Mr. Swegarden. I am positive you are still making a difference. Still smiling. Still laughing and still walking with and grace...I look forward to the day when you meet me at the gates of paradise. You are a man truly missed.

Wednesday, September 30, 2009

SO Long...

It was so good to have you here September. I loved spending 30 days with you....and loving every minute of it. You were too kind to me this year!!! And I can't wait til we meet again in 2010. So I wave you goodbye! My favorite month of the year! And just like always you proved to me just by being your loving self why I picked you out of all the months to be my top shelf!

So the James Taylor September Grass comes to an end but not before I have one more listen or maybe 6 and then tomorrow starts October Road another JT favorite.... I have 31 days of October to now celebrate and is good!

Tuesday, September 29, 2009

These People...

We all have these people in our lives that ease our pain and calms our fears. People who blow the winds of hope and faith back into our sails. People who sit by our side to hold our hand when no words can be found. People who laugh with us and make us smile. People who make us realize that the storm will pass. People who shine their light into the darkness like a lighthouse settled on a cliff. People who spend their moments with us. People who end up making our lives and giving our lives meaning. These special people ask for nothing yet you always find them standing by when you need them. These people show you kindness, understanding and tender care. These people will share a cold one with you on an everyday nite. These people you tend to find them everywhere you look in your life.... Your family. Your friends. Your co-workers. And yes sometimes even strangers.

Remember to value these people. Remember to show them they mean soo much in your life. Remember never to take them for granted. Remember life can change in one single moment and they may no longer ever be there. So don't raise your voice with hurtful words you can never take back. Say thank you. Say I am sorry. Forgive. Say I love you. Say to these people just what they mean to you and to have them in your life. They are worth speaking such words and they deserve hearing such words.

For not everyone has such people in their lives remember that! So hold them close. Protect them. And never let them go.

Monday, September 28, 2009

Moments of Darkness

Sometimes I catch myself drifting back to then... To moments in my life that I will never forget and others I wish I could but never seem to be able too. Moments of success, of failure, of happiness, of sorrow, of growth, of struggle, of fears and of course dreams. I think of all that has been. All that I have accomplished and yes even those that I have fallen short in failure. I think of friends that I have lost and in the same breath gained. All of the trimuphs, struggles, stumbles and overcoming it took me to be in this very moment.

All the moments of my life prepared me to handle whatever comes next. All of the moments of my life have lead me to this person that I now am. All the moments of my life helped me become and will continue to help me grow into who I am meant to be. Its not just moments of sunshine and success that has helped me but my greatest strength was found in my darkest moments... Moments where I wasn't quite sure what would be. Moments where I felt for sure I would never see the clouds part. Moment where I wanted to throw in the towel. Moments where I didn't believe I could... For those were the moments that proved to me that I was capable. That I could and I would overcome. Those were the moments that I found I grew the most. Moments of my life that all I could see was let downs and failures lead the way to overcoming and trimuph in the journey in what would be.

I am not one that would chose darkness over light but if it wasn't for that very darkness I know I would never be close to the person I am today. I know that if it weren't for my dark moments I would never have been force to grow or to step up. So in a big way I am thankful for those moments where I was surrounded by darkness. I may not be pleased at the time where I find myself just there, but in the end the lessons I learn and the growth and strength I have gained make it worth it.

The trick is to remember to hold on! And to remind yourself this too shall pass and that tough times don't last but tough people do. So the next time you find yourself in the darkness remember... You are strong! You can overcome! This moment will pass and you will grow from it! And most importantly remember that all the strength you ever need already lies in you! You are a fighter!! And this darkness is just a small stop on the journey of becoming who you are meant to be!!!

Sunday, September 27, 2009

Fall Escape...

We all have those things in our lives that provide us with the relaxation we need to escape from this life from time to time. Some go shopping, some fish, some go to spas, some go to europe, some bake or cook, some sew, some build, some paint, some read, some hunt, some the list goes on and on... My escape involves one simple thing and I am there... My nikon camera.

I have been looking forward to my Fall Escape... Duluth Minnesota and the North Shore... and escaped just what I did. Lost for endless hours capturing the world that surrounds me. No worries no stress no questions... Nothing was asked of me and I asked nothing in return. It was me and nature and I found we breathe as one. Oh what a joy to slip away... To escape. It recharges the batteries. It restores the energy. Builds up my hope and faith. Just what is needed when I find myself lost or worn down or well just simply perfect or doing fine.

So I ask... What is your escape... and more importantly what will be your fall escape... you still have time!

Thursday, September 24, 2009

The Start

Today was the day, the official day of the start of something new. I don't know quite sure where I am going, where it will lead or just what's in store for me... But I am confident its something great.... Something just for me. It may not be a path that leads me to the jackpot or a forever love... But I know it will be no less than anything I have ever hoped for...

The future its a scary thing from time to time. Esp when you go out on a limb and do something as crazy as I like think that maybe just maybe this photography is something I should really buckle down and do. People say it like its no big deal for me to do just that... Yet I am no fool and I am positive when I do do it... It will be on my terms. No one else. I have come too far to cave in now right??

I took a big step in the last couple of days but am no where close to the finish line...much still needs to be done. But well I look back and think of all that has been and where just I came from. For I was just a girl taking a picutre here and there and one day found herself taking the wedding photos, baby photos, senior photos, family photos and so much more. I was just a girl lost behind her lens.. Heck I am still a girl that gets lost behind her lens. I guess just more people are realizing it.

So tonite I want to take the time and say thank you.... For those who believed in me before I even dared... People like Erica and Aaron... My very first professional wedding. And soo many that followed that believed in me when I never quite did... I am still working on it. Yet I know I have so much growing and learning to do... But I still thank you. For its your hope your faith and your belief in my that fuels my willing to never quit. To never stand still to challenge myself always.... Thank you. For you are the driving force behind Kaye Gold photography.

Wednesday, September 23, 2009


Tonight it became official... A little excited, a little scared, a little nervous, a little proud....

Its not just the way that I would like it yet, much work still needs to be done but its a place that can store all my photos and better yet a place that my photos can be purchased and the best part....i don't have to lift a finger. So check it out... view, browse and shop around. And remember it will be changing and changing so come back for more.


Tuesday, September 22, 2009

Washed Clean

Its a brand new day. The batteries are recharged. The attitude is cleared. The rain washed the soul clean. The smell is clean and fresh after a night of hearing one of if not my favorite sound ever....RAIN... It drifted me away to a peaceful sleep. Where I was able to let it all go....I no longer carry the heavy load that life tends to pack on from time to time. It feels so refreshing and almost calming to let it go... Try it... Worries stress let downs disappointments... Its not worth carrying.... LET it GO... Life will find a way to work itself out if you only have the courage and faith to let it... Here's to a refreshed recharged day! Hope you are enjoyin it each in your own way.

Monday, September 21, 2009

Give and Take

Maybe its because its Monday, maybe its because the rain is coming down, maybe its because I got swamped at work, maybe its because what I read or is it don't read on facebook. I am guessing since I love Mondays, rain and being busy it must be the last.

Do you ever try with people, or is it you always find yourself trying with some people and well you find that you are the only one covering ground or you have found yourself walking down a one way street instead of a two way. I realize that we have no control over others, and only can control our actions, thoughts and words. I don't mind walking alone or pulling most of the weight when it comes to some of the relationships I have in my life. But there are days where I just have enough. I find myself tired. And wondering why do I even care. I wish I didn't. I wish I could put the same amount of effort or caring as some people do. Because maybe I wouldn't feel so let down right now. I don't need to be showered with attention or flattered with love and words. Just not being ingored would do. Just meeting someone half way would be great.

Like everyone else in this life I take things for granted and people for granted at times. I try as hard as I can not to, esp on purpose. I know life = busy. Yet in the same breath if I can find the time or make the time I feel like others should as well... If its important or it means greatly to you ... you always find the time or make the time. Maybe my down fall is that I make the time and find the time for people who aren't willing to do just that... Its the people who never budge, who I have issues with... not the ones that do it from time to time... because I am just as guilty of that once in awhile.

So don't ingore someone, don't make someone always walk a one way street, don't aspect them to always carry the load. Don't take someone for granted. For one day that person who you always thought would be there, won't be. All relationships require give and doesn't matter if its a love relationship, a friendship...its all relationships you have. So take a breath and think.... as I need to as well... Am I giving ... Am I taking... Or Am I doing both equally...

Sunday, September 20, 2009

Miss. J

We all have those teachers, that well stand out. We all have those teachers who we tried at times not to let them know how much we liked them, when they had us in class. We all have those teachers who touched our lives and made a lasting imprint. When I think back on my childhood education, I have realize that I was pretty blessed to have such teachers, more than once. I could write about all of them, but this weekend I ran into my 6th grade teacher, Miss. Johnson. Seeing her helped bring back so many great memories. So naturally she's the teacher I'm talking about today.

I sat in Miss. Johnson's class 16 years ago... hard to imagine. But seeing her, it seems nothing has changed... Other than her last name from Miss Johnson to Mrs. Schaeffer. For she looks just as she did when I sat in her classroom, her hugs are the same, her kindness, and her beaming happiness are all just as I remembered. Talkin to her she claims I ran her classroom. She's prolli right but I don't really remember that. I just remember being comfortable around her and in her classroom. Which I have found thats what I need to succeed and to try again and again if well actually when I fail. In a very big way because I was provided that foundation in her classroom it gave me more confidence to just be me, to try as hard as I can and to work as hard as I can... and that would be all I need... She would take care of the rest. I know my class and myself were a bit out of control, but we loved being her students and we respected her as our teacher. I can't speak for the impact she made on my classmates but I can for the lasting difference she made in my life. She was the teacher that made each second of learning fun, even the challenging times. Which prolli won my complete respect right there.

I know I was a handful and a challenge many days and prolli too many times to count. But somehow she could always reach me, help me understand and learn. She never stop challenging me to learn and grow. I know it wasn't easy... Learning was well, never an easy thing for me, but she didn't give up on me...nor did she allow myself to give up. Those are the kinds of teachers that help change the world. Those of the kind of teachers that lay the foundation for people to be successful in life as well as in education. I couldn't tell you all that I learned from her regarding 6th grade education. But I can tell you that my journey in life and how I am as a person would be altered in a vast matter that I am sure of, if I never sat in her classroom. In 6th grade the last thing you see is a kid knowing the impact a teacher has on their life. I know I didn't say it or show it to Miss. Johnson then, to let her know just how grateful I was to be one of her students. Yet I have come to find out that there is no expiration date on such things. So I say it here and now... THANK YOU... for all you did... THANK YOU... for believing in me, for encouraging me, for supporting me, for not letting me give up, for not giving up on me and well on most days just putting up with me... THANK YOU... for laying a solid foundation on which I could grow upon.... THANK YOU... for showing me I did have wings--I just had to have the courage to use them... THANK YOU... for putting up with my troubled, challenging, wild and out of control ways at times. for always pushing me challenging me and knowing I could and will learn it-get it-reach it and understand it.... THANK YOU... for so many little things that made a big difference in my life... THANK YOU....It is true that some students----teachers remember forever... then it can also be said that some teachers----students remember forever.

Friday, September 18, 2009

MaDy KaY

I took in a special game tonite... A game that didn't charge at the door- nor was there a sightin of a famous star. For she's even bigger than that. I watched my cousin and godchild Madysen Kay hit the volleyball court. I couldn't believe it because it was almost 13 years ago that Mady came to my volleyball was the first time I got to hold her. (Seeing her the day she was born but not being able to hold her sucked- due to a health problem.) I couldn't believe that my Mady is in junior high and now playing volleyball.

She's pretty quiet these days. Like a typical teen she's worried about all sorts of things... Doesn't want to make a mistake... What she doesn't know is just how special she is. Just what a rockstar she is. Just how great she is!!! With time and growth she will become someone she is comfortable being and confident in being... Right now she's just testing the waters. I know this life will take her on one heck of a journey. It will be filled with ups and downs twists and turns. I don't know what will be for her... But I do know it will be a life that will lead her to all the people and places she's meant to be and have in her life. It will lead her to the lessons and growth she needs to help her become just who she's meant too be!

Almost 13 years....its been a quite a ride already. For her and for me... Me learning she is no longer the baby or just a kid...but now a teenager. Her learning all about life. I hope she knows its okay not to fit in. Because she fits in where it counts the most... With her family. I hope she knows she has all the strength she needs to succeed. I hope she knows she is perfect just the way that she is and will be. I hope she knows just how special, just how smart, just how beautiful, just how great she is! And above all I hope she knows just how proud I am of her...and just how loved she is by me and her family.

I can't wait to watch you grow and become! For I know much greatness will be in store for you and for us to see as you make you way thru this life! And one more thing you will always be Mady Kay no matter how old you grow to be. You will always be just as special to me as you were the very first time I saw you... And the very first time I held you... I am proud of you, Madysen Kay... Now and always!!!

Wednesday, September 16, 2009

Did you

Today...its a perfect time to do all you need to do. Its the perfect time to do and say what truly matters...what truly counts.

Today...did you say I love you. Did you say you make a difference in my life. Did you say you changed my whole world. Did you say I am sorry. Did you say I forgive you. Did you say thank you. Did you say I am proud of you. Did you say you helped me, you believed in me, you make me feel special, you let me know I matter....

Today did you tell the people in your life the things you feel. The things that matter. The things we find ourselves wishing we would have when life takes a turn for the worse. Where we find ourselves wishing for a day like today to tell the ones that make our world just how important they are in our world.... Just so they know. Don't waste a day like today when you have the chance... Never let a day slip by... Say the words while you still have the chance. They mean just as much now as they ever will. Give a kiss. Give a hug. Say I love you. Say thank you. Say I am sorry. Say I forgive you. Say you matter.

Today...Did you!?....

Tuesday, September 15, 2009

Steps Up

How can some be so good at being cold? How can some carry so much hate and pain around with them. How can some never forgive or in the same breath ask for forgiveness? How can some be soo stubborn? How can some think they are so busy with life...only they aren't living it. How can some not see what has always been right in front of them. How can some never find the time but always has the time to do the things that really don't count in the end. How can some speak such hurtful and rude words. How can some well just be... We all have people like this in our lives or at least know of this person in someone else's life... I constantly find myself wondering how can a person be so rude. How can a person who acts in such a manner be proud of who they are.

We all have our days. We all say things at times that well leave us with open mouth insert foot... But for most its rare and it takes a bad day for us to show such rudeness to the people in our lives and the strangers that pass thru it. I have been known to be such a way every once in awhile but well you have a better chance of seeing pigs fly than seeing me be such a person... And if I am such a perso without knowing I hope someone calls me out on it asap.

I don't want to be rude. I don't want my words or actions to ever cause hurt or pain in someone else's life. I don't want to be stubborn when it comes to forgivness...I don't want to hold onto hurt pain or anger. Why keep openin a wound when it can heal. Why not forgive learn move on and grow than to stand still. Its hard to face ourselves when we have done wrong and we know it... But its true growth as a person when you still have the courage to look in the mirror. When you be the bigger person esp when its not you who has to be. When you forgive esp when you have been deeply hurt. When you say your sorry and truly mean it knowin there's a good chance that your words won't change a thing. When you face your problems instead of hiding from them. When you take control of your life- when you take responsiblity for your actions and words at all cost. When you show kindness even when they don't deserve it.

Its not easy being the person that does what is right when you so badly want to play the eye for an eye game. So you close your eyes and take a deep breath and let the control you desire to have over the situation slip out of your hands and into the hands that know the true way. You take a deep breath and let faith wash the hurt away. When you don't know what to do you listen for the one who knows just where to lead you speak to you. You take a deep breath and trust your journey...and realize its not about havin control of the wheel of life whether its your life or another' can't make others see what is right in front of them nor can you make them speak the words you want to hear... Life isn't meant to be controlled. Life isn't meant to carry anger hurt and pain like a travel luggage. Life isn't meant to always be never is! You can't learn and grow if you are. I don't understand people sometimes and well just like life maybe I am not suppose to understand. Maybe I am just suppose to trust my journey and trust just like there's a reason-a lesson for me being around such things...there's a reason-a lesson for those "some people"... For its their journey that is leadin them to the people they are meant to be thru endless life lessons... And maybe just maybe its me who has to step up for them to learn how to be a bigger person... And maybe just maybe this world would be a bit better off if we all decide to be that person who steps up...

Open your EYES

In just a few weeks I will be making a trip to see the Fall season up in Duluth. I will be taking in the colors and the landscape that lies before my eyes. And yes of course I will be photographing every second of it. I can't wait. I am already losing myself in the photo world that I slip into when I find myself in the zone. I can't wait to get lost in my own world. Surrounded by simply nature! Being anywhere outside where everywhere you turn there is something of beauty...and most of the time its completely free to take in. All I need is my camera and well depending on the weather maybe a sweater.

I look forward to hearing one of my top five sounds the rustle of leaves as you walk... I will make sure my SD cards are empty and my camera battery fully charged because I know each second of the day will be an adventure. In the midst of Mother Nature and her paradise.... Who wouldn't want to take in such a sight. And the best thing bout such a sight is that you can find it just outside your door... You don't even need to go somewhere. You just have to open your eyes to her beauty.

Sunday, September 13, 2009

Fallen for Fall

How can shades of brown and greens be soo pleasin to the eye with touches of yellow red and orange? How can a blue sky filled with puffy clouds provide the perfect contrast to make the classic Fall day? Its a world of color... A season of color. How may I ask you haven't you fallen for Fall yet? I seem to find myself falling each and every time I find myself outside...I hope you do too!

Wednesday, September 9, 2009


Hands down my love for September was shown in today's perfect Fall day. It wasn't hot hot...the was a cool was in a word perfect today. I loved every minute of being able to spend my day outside!!

Today reminded me just how important it is to live in the moment. To live for this day not yesterday or tomorrow but right now. Nothing need not to happen for me to realize this... I didn't need to have a near death moment or an emotional roller ride for me to change my view or style of living... It was because Today was an average normal everyday sort of day for me... The kind of day that makes up the days and moments of my life... And by living in the moment by living for today I was able to make the best of my moments thru out this 9-9-9... I hope somewhere you too find yourself living in the for ToDaY

Tuesday, September 8, 2009

Sharlotte Marie

This weekend I spent my time with the family. We all met in Fargo, to golf, chat, eat, and drink. We gathered together to laugh, to smile, to love and of course make some memories. We would have loved to spent the Labor Day Weekend on the Lake and sleeping under the stars. BUT we had something more important to do. We baptized Sharlotte Marie Koch on Sunday, and officially welcomed her into the church and into this world. She was striped of her clothes and dunked into the holy water, quite a moving sight... yet she didn't think so....SHE HATED IT.

As I held her in my arms, I am never left not amazed. She is perfect. Even though she had a little break out on the face.... it doesn't matter, her family, me included can't get enough of her. As I stood beside her parents and sisters, and promised to be a role model for her in faith and in life, I blinked back a tear or two, for I know just how important my role in her life will be, not just because she is my godchild and I am her godmother, but because of the relationships I already have with her two older sisters...In their eyes I am a super hero. I am the wild crazy fun loving cousin who takes them to Clay your Way to paint, or to Beads on Broadway to make the perfect braclet. The cousin who takes them to Hollister and Aero for the latest fashion. The girl who shows up out of the blue to take you on a special day for no reason. Sabrina and Sadey don't love me because of all the things I do with them, or all the places I take them or might buy them...but because I am there. I am constant. I am an example not by my words but my my actions. I show them respect and give them love. We laugh. We smile. We love. We live. Something I know I will do just that with, with Sharlotte. I take my role in the lives of my younger cousins very seriously. For there are many eyes that watch me, even when I don't think they can see me or hear me. And its through those very eyes that help me grow into more, grow into the person I have always been meant to be. Thou the example may be hard to set, the reward of the love and happiness I share with those that came after me...make it completely worth it!

Sharlotte little monkey...I promise that I will always be someone you can laugh with, smile with. Someone who will spoil you but also teach you. Someone who will love you even if you are being a little monster. Someone who you can always come to about anything, everything or nothing. Someone who will pray for you. Someone who will try their very best to be a role model for you not only in faith but in life. I can't promise I will be perfect. but I can promise I will always be there. Someone who is a constant in your life even if I am far away. The very same promise I made when I made it to your cousin Madysen Kay when she was batized...I now have two girls to help guide the ways for you both to LOVEthisLIFE.

Wednesday, September 2, 2009


Life is full of surprises. Full of twists and turns. Ups and downs. It has a plan all of its own and most of the time the plan doesn't go along with the one we had in mind. It can be kind as it can be cruel. It can be full of sunshine and warmth as it can be cold and dark. Its untrackable and it can go from being simply glorious to simply terrible.... Without a moments notice.

Its filled with suffering, pain, hate and death. But also with that overcoming, healing, love and birth. We try so hard to understand life and its course. We plea with it and even try to bargain with it but it makes no difference it will go where it wants to go and do what it pleases. Because it has things for us to learn and gain strength from. For its the very things that breaks us that brings us the strength we need to overcome... To keep living.

Its so much easier to see the negative in life. Its easier to be consumed by the pain and hurt. Its easier to give up. Yet in a world full of darkness I seek to find the light. In a world full of tears I seek to find laughter and smiles. In a world full of hate I seek to find love. For who's to say what will be if you choose to stay positive. If you choose hope. If you choose love. If you choose life!

You can't change the way most things are. You have no real control over this life and its outcome. You can't control death, sorrow, pain and darkness. You can't control others' destiny or the journey they take to get there... You can control how you react to things and how you view things. And in the end maybe that's all you really need to do! To let go and let life do its thing and to trust that Life's plan is much better than the one you had in mind.

Its not easy to always be hopeful or to remain positive. Its not easy to see the glass of life always half full... It takes a strong person grounded in their faith in life to stay such a way... I have been blessed to be in such company with such people. Life took the very best of them it seemed but they didn't faulter in their faith in life. They still saw the beauty in life even in the darkness. We must all see the beauty in life's darkness and the lessons we learn and the strength we gain...from not only the light but darkness of this life.

A wise man once said we can't take any of this with us when we go only the memories, love and lessons will be our travel we might as well make the best of every part of this journey in life...we might as well choose hope over despair. Healing over pain and hurt. Love over hate. Smiles and laughter over tears...and life over death..

Tuesday, September 1, 2009


It's here... The first of 30 days... of my favorite time of the year... of my favorite month of the year. Its a month of me endlessly listening to September Grass by James Taylor followed by me endlessly listening to October Road when October rolls around.

I love this time of the year where you can still have the windows and doors open. Where at night you need just a little more cover because you refuse to close the windows. I love being able to wear hoodies and sweaters. I love seeing the colors change around me... I am excited for the days to come. Most hold onto Summer never wanting to part from it... The un-normal one over here will give it up in a heartbeat if I could have Fall (a honest fall that is... you know the way its suppose to be) all year around.

So go outside and breath it all in!!! Live in the moment!! And above all else... LOVEthisLIFE.

Monday, August 31, 2009

THE best to come...

My favorite time of the year is pretty much here! FALL! Oh how I love the seasons of change! Tomorrow brings my favorite month of the year! September! The cool crisp sweater weather, the turning and falling of the leaves, football games, the harvest of wheat corn and sunflowers...I am getting excited just thinking about it. Most hate the fact that summer is almost over... Well I am not like most! I am the girl that would take honest Fall to a unbalanced summer. I am the girl that would rather spend her time on a rocky shoreline with waves crashing with a hoodie on than I would sitting on a hot beach with my suit on. My closet is filled for this seaon... I struggle with spring and summer because well my clothes don't seem to fit the season.

To me there's nothing better than to pop in James Taylor and spend my fall days outside capturing the moments of Fall thru photography... I love to have my ipod with me and lost in the world that surrounds me... I love to venture off into a place that lies just outside my door step yet its like no place I have ever been before not matter how many times I return to the same spot it always is different.

Its the season that I find my camrea ALWAYS with me because who knows what I may just stumble upon in the strangest of places.

I look at things of change as well as the season of change as a beginning not an end! Its the start of something new not the death of something familiar.... Just imagine what life would present to us if we looked thru eyes that always embraced it and saw the best to come not the best that has been....

Sunday, August 30, 2009


"Make the most of yourself for that is all there is of you."

We go thru this life side by side with all walks of life. Some are achievers some are dreamers some are teachers some are doers some are laid back some are caring some are rude.... But we are all hopefully tryin to do one thing... Tryin to live our own lives as best as we can. Not fulfilling others shoes but only our own. So much is asked of us it seems... And in many ways asked to be anybody but ourselves... My goal is to not live in the shadows of someone else's life nor cast a shadow on someone's life. Nor will I try to wear shoes that I know will never fit me.

I will live in this moment right now. I will not worry bout trying to achieve hopes goals and dreams that only others had for me and my life... I will only reach and chase after the ones that I dream of and hope for. I will live my life with the soul purpose of being simply happy... Because I know its only then that I can be more for those around me. I need not try to be anything other than me... because in the end that's all I truly have to be. If I live and fulfill my own shoes and strive to make them most of myself I know that will be enough.

The key is however is in fact living growing and becoming the person in fact I am meant to be. It is in challenging myself in never settling in embracing change in never giving up in seein the glass of life half full in smiling and laughing in ALL days not just the picture perfect one in understanding in trusting in loving in caring esp when its hard. Its in being true to who I am and what I value and believe in. Its in standing for something and sticking by that... In being loyal of the person I am... Not being someone I am not proud of. Its in taking the road less traveled. Its in listening to my inner voice and not the voices of others. Its in being the example or the leader and never the follower even thou at times it would be so much more easier. Its being this person constantly not like a wind changin its directions in the days of all seasons. But being this person not just in times of ease and happiness but more importantly in times of darkness sorrow change and failure.

For if I am never standing by and being the person I am strivin to be than well this life that I am living will never stand for anything. So I will keep on living keep on smiling keep on laughin and keep on walking this life learning and growing thru darkness and happiness in success and failures...livng my life in my shoes with a goal to live in the moment!

Wednesday, August 19, 2009


Tonight I was reminded how grateful I am to be well... me. I think of my health and well being yes. But I am also talking about the fact that I can walk... feed myself and take care of myself. I am talking about the fact that I don't need a wheelchair or 24/7 care. Some would look at me and think Michelle you are way way off from that ever happening. The truth is well I was almost too close to that actually happening. Some 28 years ago I had spinal meningitis.

I was well I guess you could say lucky. At the time my family wasn't so sure if I would be so lucky. I some how managed to escapse serve neurological problems besides losing 90% of the hearing in my left ear and some minor hearing loss in my right. As well as having learning struggles in my educational growth. I read alot of information about meningitis and the long term effects and death rate. I read about babies never being the same again. I read about hearing loss, blindness, epilepsy, behavioral difficulties and decreased intelligence. I read about needing a 24/7 caretaker. I read about some living the rest of their days in a wheelchair... not being able to speak, hear or feed themselves.

I read the book Standing Tall: A Memoir of Tragedy and Triumph by C. Vivian Stringer (Rutgers Head Women's Basketball Coach) Her daughter Nina had just want I had at almost the same time... Nina wasn't so lucky. How can the same exact thing have such a vast different outcome. I think of what could have been and I am flooded with grateful emotions. All the things I took for granted growing up... I now look back and realize the blessings such little things were... that I have for the most part a normal childhood. That I could smile laugh and talk. That I could jump rope (something the doctors told my parents there was a good chance I never would) that I was athletic. That I graduated from high and grad school... That I could live an independent life. All the little things that Nina Stringer never got a chance to do or even dream of doing.

Sometimes I find myself going so fast, wanting to achieve more or venture off. I have dreams... big dreams and I am always reaching for them. But every once in awhile I am pulled back down to realize just how grateful and blessed I have been... For some reason my life was spared by God. For some reason God allowed me to do something on my own with my life. For some reason not the worse happened to me. For that I will always be grateful... that I can speak the emotions that I am feeling. that I can walk from point A to point B. that I can dress myself, bathe myself and feed myself. I may not hear everything and it may take me awhile sometimes to get things and understand things... yet its something I am willing to say that I am grateful for. Most don't know the story behind the scars that I have on my forehead (While I was sick with meningitis I also had the shingles a more serve form of the chicken pox.) Most don't know how proud I am of those scars. Most don't know that those scars esp my harry potter scar (the one that looks like a cross or the hollister bird logo) are a daily reminder to me, just how grateful I should be. Most don't know those scars remind me just how strong I am, just how much I can endure and overcome. Just how grateful I am to be here... Just how grateful I am to get the chance to LOVEthisLIFE!

Tuesday, August 18, 2009


I have been trying to juggle the pros and cons with an important choice... decision. Whether I should remain in Fargo or head back to Whitefish. Should I stay or should I go... I have always been a person that I feel lets life lead me and then from there I take over. I have been waiting to let life lead to either back to Whitefish or to ND. But well either I have completely missed it or refuse to see it.

My mother told me to make a list of pros and cons... As I sit here and read them I am still torn. ND has my people. The ones who give meaning to my world. And Minnesota is close by which houses alot more of my people. Whitefish is home to something I call my peace. my stillness. I know I could prolli find it anywhere because that's the kind of person I am... I always find a way to get lost in my own world. Should I stay or should I go... my new favorite song because its a question that rolls thru my mind. My friend Heinle had her status read ... "If you wait to do everything until you're sure it's right, you'll probably never do much of anything."

Its a mantra I never heard before yet find I have never been one to wait for the answers to tell me to do something or not to do something. I don't feel like I have enough time in this world to wait... and truly who does?? I am a person that just lives in the moment and lets life takes her. Who isn't afraid to hop a plane to a different continent where she doesn't know a soul in that country. Is it easy... am I scared... um yes and hell yes... but the whole time I am doing something that challenges me to step up and be the person I am always meant to be... esp when I am scared shitless... there's this calming feeling with me the whole time too. Thats saying its all right... You can handle this. You can do this. So I take a deep breath and well just do it. If you think a girl can do that ... then well making a choice to stay or go should be a snap... I wish it was. I am sure like everything else in my life I will just wake up one day and either find myself in Whitefish or find myself unpacking in ND. Living life and loving this life either way until the next adventure life leads me to... Just living this life from the depths of my soul from every hair stran on my head down to my toes... Making this life... MY LiFE... and never turning back... and above all being confident in myself and trusting my life journey... something I hope for all people in my life.... BE CONFIDENT and TRUST YOUR LiFE JOURNEY!!

Monday, August 17, 2009

Lost Friendship

We all have them. We have all had certain friendships that we find ourselves growing apart from. Sometimes its a lost friendship resutling in a lie. A betrayal. A hurtful act. Sometimes its a lost frienship resulting in chapters ending and chapters starting that force us to grow in different directions. Sometimes its a postive growth apart. For we realize what true friendship is... Because it lasts no matter what may happen and we find that even if we grow apart with true friends you grow towards each other.

Yet every once in awhile we run into friends and we wonder what happened. Or we stumble across a photo from a summer or a college day. And we find ourselves wondering could we have made more of an effort? Was it a friendship that was only suppose to last just that chapter? I have a friend that doesn't want anything to deal with me. Who doesn't return my calls emails or texts. You would think when you have so many people in your many friends it wouldn't matter.

But it matters greatly to me because of the fact that one friendship portraits the friend that I never want to be. To me it means in so ways I am not the person I think I am or always thought I was... And the thing is I have no true answers to what brought us here. Just one day the emails didn't reply back. One day the phone kept ringing and its been that way since.

I am not a person who gives up on people but after awhile I realize I have no choice but to just let go... And yes I am still getting use to the fact that I can't answer the phone on the other line. And yes I have to stop myself from time to time so I don't send yet another text or email. You just have to let some things go in life.

Its a hard lesson I am learning because I have never had a friendship where I have completely failed to the point where the person wants nothing to do with me... Even with friendships that you grow apart from you never miss a chance to catch up with when given the chance. I wish that was the case here. Maybe someday we will figure it out. Maybe not. Maybe we aren't suppose to remain friends with all people in this life. Maybe we are given such people in our lives to learn important life lessons. To realize we are human. To realize we all make mistakes. Even esp when we don't realize we are doing them. I don't know if it was me or them... But the truth is it doesn't matter what got us here... We are here. What matters is where we go from here and how I chose to be from this moment on. Sometimes failure isn't in walking away but in standing still. To say you tried everything you could to be the friend they needed and they chose not to have such a friend. I know deep down I will always think of it as a regret of a friendship I pushed out of my life and not let grow slowing out at its own time. Yet I have learned my lessons from this and have grown as a person and friend... Which makes me strangely thankful for this moment and struggle. I no longer carry the weight of failure with me... It got to be too much to carry. And I hope somewhere they have dropped the weight too. I am sorry...I forgive you with hopes if your reading this that you forgive me. And I hope you know that my friendship is something I never take back which means if you ever find yourself dialing my number I promise I will answer.