Tuesday, December 30, 2008

they are family too...

I spent the day shoveling my way thru ten inches of snow with my brother but my highlight came from spending time with Kobe. I recently went to the movie Marley and me...and well I am not sure if I was emotional from having to say goodbye to the mates but I think it was because I could relate to the movie. I am not a crier esp in a movie...this movie made me laugh and smile and not just cry but bawl to the point when I left the movie I felt like I left a funeral.

We got our first black lab puppy when I was in 2nd grade...Sounder was brought to our grandparents house by santa himself on christmas. When we met him the red ribbon that was tied around his neck was bigger than he was. Sounder was everything a first dog should be...he was perfect and he loved us unconditionally.

Then came Stormy when I was in junior high...and if dogs took the role of the order they came into our lives...Sounder was just like Paul...the oldest and darn near perfect. Stormy like me a bit more work-wild-naughty...a bit too much like me actually...then lastly Kobe who well is like Jacorian...the baby of the family who basically gets away with murder.

Getiing back on track...as I watched and played with Kobe I couldn't help but think just how easy it is for him to give of his love...he doesn't need anything in this life than a good pet or scratch behind the ears...if he is with one of us he is happy its as simple as that....he doesn't need a fancy house designer clothes or a brand new car...maybe just a good bone to chew on. Life is simple in the eyes of a pet...and the love they give is pure steady and unconditional.

I remember before I left for australia I ended up gettin a pretty bad flu bug that almost found me in the ER with a temp of 105...when my body went into shock because it was over heated Kobe wanted to be right by my side...and when my father wouldn't let him be where he wanted to be he growled at him and for the rest of the night he was right by my side.

When my grandmother died Kobe just knew he just sat right next to me and just let me pet him over and over. Animals just have a way of knowing when they are needed.

The love they give is rare and the kind that last long after they leave us. They teach us the simple lesson to love the people in our lives everyday in the same way. Asking nothing in return.

Kobe is a social dog..he loves his kennel in the car or in the hunting camper esp because that means he gets to come along...he gets to be with his family and favorite people. In fact once that dog knows we are going somewhere he wants to be in the back of the car and will start whinnin til he gets his way. But you can't help but smile because all he wants to do is just be with you.

What great lessons that can be learned from a dog or maybe even a cat. If you allow a pet to--they can make a difference and change your life...by the love they give you. For in the end they are not just a dog or just a cat...but they are family.

Jilly Jelly

From the moment I met her...I knew she was a rare...she was different...she was special...she's the only athlete I have had thus far to give a special name to...its not something I do...I don't play favorites...but with her its different...its just something about her that I can't fully explain...all I know is she is full of life....she has a zest for life like I have never seen before. Her smile could light up a whole room...she isn't afraid to be goofy...or look like a dork...she loves to smile-laugh-sing and oh yes dance. You can tell she loves her friends and family by the smile that forms across her face when she is with them or talks about them. I have known this punk for a long time...and what I thought of her...how I saw her way back when...well I was smack on...yet she is even more now...the person she has grown into is one amazing young woman.

She's a college girl now... off finding herself... learning about herself... growing into herself...and becoming herself... she's making mistakes-making memories... she's laughing and crying... dreaming... working... prolly causing some trouble and reaching for those dreams. She isn't perfect nor is she trying to be...she's just being her...fully and completely... and hopefully she knows that's all she needs to me. I hope she realizes the gift she is to this world and the greatness that lies in her soul...I hope she knows she isn't like everyone else.... she comes from a special breed...cut from a special cloth...for she is a person you turn to and find yourself inspired by how they live... how they give... how they love... how they care...how they treat others... how they make others laugh and smile. She's the person I know others turn to when they are having a bad day...I know she will make them feel special in her gentle loving Jill way... She has a gift to brighten the lives of others.... She makes you feel comfortable as well just being who you are is enough. She is a true liver of life...a gal who lives with passion and compassion...a gal who prolly is a lot like me when it comes to the darkness that life can be...but her inner strength is something that I feel not even she has realized just how strong it is....she a beautiful girl but what lies on the outside is nothing compared to what lies inside...her inner beauty is glowing...is breath taking....trust me when I say there aren't too many souls like hers...I know great things lie in her journey...I know much greatness will happen in her life...I could tell that from the moment I met her...just a girl growing into herself with a big smile...even then I could feel the life pour out of her...you know the life I am talkin about...the true true kind....she's sunshine in the best form.

For she is a person once you meet you are left speechless...you know you are in the presence of something amazing...you know this person is different in the best way....and you say to yourself...I better keep this girl in my watch (a thought I had in her jr. high days)...for the things she will do are going to be something to truly watch....Jilly Jelly...turns out....I have be right...and the best part is...she's just getting started...I am proud of you Jill Utter...my Jilly Jelly.

Monday, December 29, 2008

Sometimes I forget...

Sometimes I forget that people actually read this...sometimes I don't realize the things I write may or may not be too deep or too dark...but the truth is I write how I am feeling in the moment and who I am...I am not going to sugar coat things or pretend things aren't a certain way just because... I am human and completely imperfect. and even on my worst days or my best days I am who I am... I say sorry to those you who may read this blog and go what!! Where did that come from?? But the truth is I am not a big talker about my thoughts but give me a pen and paper or this case a keyboard everything seems to just pour right out of me...that or budlight is another way to get me a chattin.

I am a storer...a pack rat in a way...I push and push everything deep down than I carry it until I no longer can then dump it out--all of it (sorry to the person who is around when that happens) deal with it and begin the cycle all over again...that's me and prolli will always be me.

I know I have amazing people around me and I know I am loved and cared about but I am stubborn and pig headed and ya I prolli deal with things that happen in my life the wrong way but the truth is that's the only way I know how.

Maybe because I am like this...is a big part of who I am to others...I know what its like to pretend to have it all together. I know how to laugh and smile like nothing is wrong. I know how to be and act so no one has a clue. I am good at focusing the attention away or changing the subject. So in a way because of that I can see thru people's fake laughs and I know the difference between their real smiles and pretend ones. I hear words that aren't said out loud. I know those looks when you are surrounded by people yet feel completely alone. I know what its like to carry darkness inside while the outside looks bright. What its like to almost be screaming inside with some much to say yet find yourself never able to find the words to get it out.

Because of this I also know how those negative demon like thoughts can consume you...how the voice of reason and being logical can be drowned out by a more powerful one that on your best days you know is completely wrong. What's my point to this...I write the truth in hopes of helping others even if its just one who reads this to let them know that they aren't alone...even if they think they are. To help one person say to just her/himself she understands. To give one person hope and faith that the tide will turn. To get one person to realize that tough times don't last but tough people do. Even if on some days that one person is me.

Life is an endless struggle to finding...finding ourselves...finding love...finding success...finding happiness...we have moments but they never last our entire life...and the one thing I have learned from those moments...its only in the darkness that we can see the stars...its only in tough times do we see the true value in the good times. Its thru a tear we find the true meaning a smile holds. For we don't see the beauty in a storm until the clouds part and the sun's rays shine and make everything seem so clean and fresh.

Saturday, December 27, 2008

life is never how you want it

In one hour and twenty minutes my 28th birthday will have been here and gone...I am not a birthday person and prolli never will be...somewhere lost in the lights tree santa and the big new year eves kisses lies my birthday...and every year my gifts are found in the faces of those that I love...my happiness is found in those smiles...if that's how happiness is based than I would be the happiest person in this world...because I know I am surrounded by amazing people..I wish that's how it goes...but well its like this when u you are little you have this image of what your life will be like...and I am not about followin plans or a guide line but I also never would have thought I would be 28 and find myself where I am at today. I never thought my failures would out weigh my success. I never thought that I would value others happiness before mine. I never would have thought so many things...but hey that's life it is never how you planned it or thought it would be...I am not sure where my life is going or what I am suppose to be doin...I am still finding my way...I am still in search of that place that I belong...and hopefully one day I will find myself wrapped around my own personal happiness and not someone elses. Hopefully one day I will find a place that I truly belong...so that's my birthday wish...does me sayin it out loud mean it will never come true?? I hope not. Ya life is never what you want it to be or dream it to be...but hopefully someday if you hang on...thru all the crap muck tears it will be even more...here's to hopin!!

Mundo's happily ever after...

As I spent the night in Milnor watchin someone I have looked up to and admire tie the knot. I was reminded what its like to wintess happiness. I have coached under Lynette Mund for a hand full of years. And never in my craziest dreams did I ever think I would develop a life long lasting friendship with her. From the start my lessons learned from her were all basketball related. Thru her program and players I found my meaning and purprose in this life. It was packer basketball that helped me find a huge piece of myself. But it turns out the greatest lesson I learned from Mundo had nothing to deal with basketball at all...it was found in how she lives her life in how she treats others and how even when she thinks she's too old to find love and live happily ever after she kept believing....now on her wedding day I have been given the honor to capture her special day. And in all the weddings I have ever done this is prolli the most special. Because I know just how long Mund has waited for this day. But more importantly just how much this day also means to me to see her so happy. She brought so much into my life! I am beyond grateful to her for so many things I can't even begin to explain. She's always been a true friend to me and one I can always count on. So to hear her choke up on her vows and she tears rolling down her face during her first dance makes me bit my lip and fight back tears because that's all she ever wanted...and now she has it. Some dreams do come true...you are never too old to live happily ever after. So here's to Ryan and Lynette and to the life that lies before them may it be full of smiles love laughter and happiness!!

Friday, December 26, 2008

I can hear us laughin'

Tonite is the first night since Nov. 16th that I don't have either Michaela or Alice by my side. And for the first time I feel that they may have stayed with me too longer...not because I got sick or annoyed with having them around...but because I got use to having them with me. Gosh I have missed them and now I have found myself missing them all over again.

BUT I also know the adventures places and people that await for them to see experience and meet...so much too come...the best is yet to be. My time with them was even more than what I thought it would be. And I am so grateful and honored that they decided to spend so much of their time in USA with me. They will never know what their being here has brought into my life and have given to me. Friends like the two of them are very very hard to come by and having them not around is something I don't in any way like but I know I will get use to.

I already miss the smile they get me to use and the laugh they bring out...the rare kind that only comes out every once and awhile...the purest ones that lie deep down in your soul. Those two find a way of not just getting it to come out here and there or every once and awhile...but always. Saying goodbye to them today...in a word sucked...and it was hard in every sense of the word because I am not sure when I will see them again. And I want to act like a 6 year old and say its not fair. But let's be honest really what in life is fair?? Life goes on and you learn to carry on with it. Having faith that someday your paths will cross again. Having faith that their is a reason you have to be so far away from people that changed your entire life, from friends that just truly get you...there has to be a reason or really what's the point in all of this???

So tonite ya I am in struggle town--but how lucky am I to have people in my life that makes saying goodbye so damn hard. How lucky am I to have people in my life that I miss so much. How lucky am I to have someone that just understands and gets me. How lucky am I...

"You have become a part of me that I never want to lose...I can hear us laughin, I remember every part. I got everything we ever did its tattooed on me heart. There's a cold wind coming in and blowing us apart-til the sun brings us back again know you got a piece of my heart." Keri Noble -piece of my heart.

Sunday, December 14, 2008

Holidays are almost here.

It won't be long until I head to North Dakota and find myself surrounded by my wild crazy family.. I will find myself eating and drinking way too much.. I will see old friends back in Beulah for the holidays well we bond and reconnect at the local watering hole aka the Nite Owl...but this holiday season will be different and rememberable because of two punks that will be joining me...I am not quite sure what they will think of North Dakota esp since its covered in snow..flat as a pancake and oh oh so windy and cold.. Life is different in Dakota but oh so worth experiencing. I look forward to seein their faces when I take them to the bars of Beulah and they can meet all those I have known forever...the best part is I know that all my beulah buds will soak up the aussies and prolli end up tradin me in for them...they will be the talk of the town how can they not be!!

My mom is spendin the day cooking and baking and then hiding it all from my father for the girls. My father will prolli be sick by days end by all the stuff he is inhalin. I am sure my father will pull out his Goldmann charm and the girls will just spend the entire time laughin at his jokes and stories...he is a strange man but I love him. I figure I will spend most of this holiday season shakin my head and sayin please don't tell them that stories...because that's what my family loves to do...tell michelle stories...and laugh-laugh-laugh...I guess I do random crazy stupid things. And I know that's the role I bring to my family...the comic releif...the loud out of control crazy girl. I realize that I am completely different when you look at me and my family...but that's prolli what bonds us close together because of the fact they still claim me and love me and even miss me when I am not around. I know I am a lucky gal to be a part of the Koch-Goldmann family.

My favorite part of the holiday season happens when I sort of disappear...I love to stand back and take in my surroundings when I am with my family...I love watchin their smiles and hearin their laughter...I look forward every year to paint a memory of all of them so when I am on the mountain I realize how lucky I am to have such amazing people in my life you just love me...unconditionally and never ending...even when I fail, disappoint and mess up they still see more in me than I sometimes give. And well that's the best gift I will ever have. So of course I will let them tell stupid stories and say below the belt comments from time to time...because I know that it comes straight from the heart...they are the best of me and prolli always will be.

So here is to the holiday season and being around those who care for us and love us! And seein old friends!!

Saturday, December 13, 2008

My Knitting Circle

We got our snow...however with the snow came wind and with the wind came the wind chill so after getting 7 inches it actually became 2 feet in some places due to the wind gusts....its -40 right now and its only suppose to get colder...which means...no mountain for any of us die hearts even if we wanted too....

Today is the holiday party my college girlfriends get together and have...They will all be gathered at Shannon's house drinking...okay maybe just Shannon and Heather since they are the only ones not preg-o...and making Christmas Cards...I am a bit bummed out because our get togthers are so much fun....always out of control stories, heaps of laughter and just the being together is what its all about...Erin, Bridget, Kinsey, Jamie, Shannon, Heather and Lindsey...all those girls together means one thing and one thing only...WILD and FUN times.....However I can't be too much of a Debbie since I will seein them all next week with the Aussies...While Shannon takes us to some light parade...Which she is so pumped about....I say why not....as long as I am surround by my mates and friends...life just can't get any better than that...

Here's to Erin, Kinsey, Shannon, Heather, Bridget, Jamie, and Lindsey...tho they aren't all together today most of them will be...may the holiday house be filled with your smiles and laughter!!! May you realize the simple amazing things that lie in our friendship and what that friendship brings into each of our lives...We are more because we know each other...and we are more because we have each other!! Each of us so different and unquie in our own ways but together those differences actually is what strands us all together...its what makes us make complete sense as friends...How I was able to be apart of this Knitting Circle I will never know...I was never a roommate...yet that's just how each and everyone has treated me from day one.

So this Holiday season...I hope you are blessed with simple blessings that fill your life with happiness and love...and above all that you each realize the gift you are in my life...by simply being YOU!! Happy Holidays...have an eggnog for me....um actually cancel that and make it a budlight....Love to you all.

Friday, December 12, 2008

Memories to Last...

Its dumpin outside tonite...and living life in the FiSH this is what we all want-pray for and wait for...and its finally here. Tomorrow will be the first pow pow day of the season and I can't wait!!!

Time has seemed to have flown by since I picked up Alice and Michaela and leavin the FiSH just reminds me that my time with them is running low but I am just so grateful for all the time I have had with them on their adventure in the US of A...and hopefully all of those moments and memories with them will last me til I see them again.

Just how I knew it would work out it has! Everyone thus far has loved Alice and Michaela...actually even more than I thought they would. Which means everything to me. And it only goes to show that how I see them is not only just me but everyone...which means I am dead on in the way I see them, know them and tell others about them. Being around them is like being attached to a magnet...you are just drawn to them and you just want to always be around them...because of the way they make you smile and laugh...and above all they will show you how to truly live...their zest for life is something you just hope sparks a flame in your soul and burns out of controlly for the rest of your life....And the best thing those who have met has told me is that they feel just that when they are around them...They are just truly simply great people to the core of their being.

Life will be strange once they have gone but I am so excited for everything to come for the two of them...their travels cont...and the best still awaits for their arrival. Thou I will miss their faces voices and laughter--- it brings me great joy knowin that they will be doin just that everywhere they go. Their happiness means so much to me. Because they brought so much of just that and more into my life while I was downunder and more recently while they have been with me....I am not sure about the whole religion thing but I do believe that its a blessing to have them in my life and call them friends.
Tonite I took them to the Hu Hot and Target and tomorrow we will hit up the slopes of the FiSH...simple average moments that I will spend with the aussies that will leave me with memories to last my entire life...I am not sure how my stars lined up to cross with theirs to begin with but I do know I will never for one moment that their friendship for granted. It will be hard to see them go but I will put on my best smile and wave them off knowing so much lies ahead of them to explore, to experience, to breath into their soul as well as the places they go and the people they will meet that will change their lives. I know how important this time is for them because of how important that time was in my life when I went to Australia. Alice and Michaela not only want this time but more importantly deserve this time in their lives...They will grow into even better people and from that they will be even able to give more of themselves to those they love and care about. For that what makes them so great because they give so much of themselves to others...and this experience and adventure will only flourish that trait in their being...So much greatness lies in their soul...more than they even know or think they might have...it goes beyond any limits they may think they have.

I love that they love the FiSH and that they find the beauty of the mountains as peaceful and calming as I do--and how such a simple nature site can literally move your soul to tears--for its those simple moments when you take in your surroundings and you breath them deep down into your soul and you are left with one thought...this is what life is truly meant to be all about..Its those moments whether they be sparked by places or people that making living this life and loving this life so easy and so great...So here's to a great day on the slopes...that will be filled with their smiles, their laughter and making memories I know I will keep with me for a life time to come...I take great pride is sharing life in the FiSH with these Aussies.

Thursday, December 11, 2008

not everyone stands by their word.

How can people be so well just stupid?? And as a person who is smart enough to know better I sure play stupid like that's all I know! I have been slowly gettin more torked off since October and it doesn't matter what I try to do to escape the anger and hurt I carry it with me and it never leaves. I would love to just be mad at the person that has caused all this yet I can't be.instead I find ways to be mad at myself for being so so stupid.

I am stupid to allow myself to just get mad at myself and not the true person I should be upset with. But its a hard thing to deal with and get over and move on when that person doesn't even give you the time of day to get things settled! And what tears at me the most is the fact that this person is suppose to be one of my oldest friends. It just goes to show you that any one can screw you over and even the people that you think care truly about you as a being...turns out they are willing to drop you no questions asked.

I thought I was the kind of person whose friends can come to with anything. I guess I am completely wrong about the kind of person I am to the people in my life. And maybe I am not at all the person I hoped to be...I have much to grow into and learn from. And I guess the true meanin of all of this is the slap in the face I need to come back to reality...and realize that this life and its my life...I have to deal with it even if I don't want to. Word of advice be careful who you trust and not everyone stands behind their word.


I have known this girl for quite some time...we met in our college days and I always seemed to have found her by my side when I need a drinking partner, partner in crime but most of all when I just need a friend. HH..H2..Hyatt...and most recently Hea...Heather Hyatt is who this blog is about today.
We give each other crap well pretty much 99.99 percent of the time. Most may seem like low blows like how she calls me DDM (developly delayed michelle)...but the truth is I couldn't stay mad at that girl if I tried...and more importantly I know that our friendship is built around the fact that we give each other a hard time...however if I heard anyone talk her down I would prolli find my fist in their mouth....and well I am sure you all know I am not the fighting kind...but I will turn right into that if someone messes with my friends. I know we give each other endless crap but I know with out a doubt that she has my back and she knows the same goes for me.

So many of my memories involve her sitting right next to me at a bar drinking endless glasses of budlight with either a pickle or green olives...heck most of my memories with her can't even be recalled but I know they happened because of the photos we have. I know I can't recall all those memories...but I remember what counts....the smiles, the laughter, the hugs and most of all the friendship...and really thats all one needs to have!

But know this about this girl I call me friend, she is the kind of girl that once you get to know you know you will have her friendship for life. She has the purest heart that she loves with every inch of it...She doesn't judge--she listens...fully listens..She is the type of friend that will get mad at someone when she knows that you just can't. The type of friend that will stand you up when you yourself don't feel like you can do it. The kind of friend that always sparks a smile and laugh no matter what is goin on good or bad. She the type of friend who is always up for spending quality time together (ok yes most of our times do involve budlight).

Like life after college goes you find yourself apart from the friends you spend all your time with. Things change...and thou for awhile we grew apart...we never grew out of our friendship. The greatest gift I got this year from Santa came early this year when Heather and I found our friendship again thru the miles. And like it always is between us...nothing ever changed. I will be seein her in just a weeks time and I like I always get when I know I get to see my budlight girl...I am excited. because there's nothing...and I mean nothing like sitting at a bar and having a cold one with this girl...for that time is filled with the best talks, and of course the best below the belt comments that we say to each other--and laugh.

I know I am lucky to call Heather Hyatt a true friend...and more than that a journey friend...for I know that our friendship will last the rest of my life...She will be one of those special few friends that you take with you on this journey we call life...thru the sunshine and the rain I know she will always be right there and those are the hard friends to find....but once you do find them...they are lasting til the end.

Friday, December 5, 2008

one day...i hope

Some people are lucky some people aren't. Some people love some hate. Some people have never had a bad thing happen others aren't so lucky. Some people are happy some aren't. Some people talk some don't. Some people you think you have all figured out---but you don't..Some people hide behind masks some just wear them. Some people see the glass of life half full some see it half empty. Some people you know right away when something is wrongs others you have no clue. Some people have it together some don't..and even others who seem they do and truly don't.

What's my point...my point is you never know by what you think you see or hear. The only true way is to ask and then truly listen. Because life can be crappy at times and how people deal with things they must face diff and are never the same. And I have come to realize that I can't judge anyone but myself. I can only walk in my shoes but I hope I can always view life from other angles.

I hope that I can understand more than not understand. I hope I love more than I hate. I hope I look forward more than I look behind. I hope I can smile thru tears. I hope I can learn from each fall mess up and failure. I hope I become someone who people can count on and less of someone who they never can lean on. I hope I can let go move on. I hope I don't let things and people define me. I hope to be more with each day I walk this earth. I hope I am always try to be the friend I have always wanted to have. I hope I do more good than bad. I hope that some day I am forgiven for all the wrong all the hurt for all the failure for all the mistakes. I hope than my life is worth more than my bank account. And more importantly I hope that all the wrong turns all the mistakes all the tears all the pain all the what ifs all the delays-detours all of the negative in my life will one day make me more because I went thru it because I didn't let those moments put a border on my life. I hope there's a reason for all of it for every moment. Because if there isn't...than really what's the point to this journey we call life?? There has to be reason...for all of us!! Each story of life thru the darkness and light. Thru smiles and tears...one day it will all pull together.