Tuesday, September 24, 2013
On a perfect Fall afternoon I received the following text message from my sister in-law, Shonna.
"Well it's a good thing we are getting rid of this carpet, just busted Tay doing this to it"...(see picture below). Taylor's Granny (my mom) response was quite clever - " Oh Oh Picasso at work in the wrong place."
My reaction was prolly less filled with anger than it was for my sister in-law and brother upon seeing that their daughter decided to update their carpet by coloring it blue - maybe after hearing them talk about the change of wanting it either replaced or removed to showcase the hardwood floors she took action into her own hands. My brother's response to the text message was classic any parent's reply would be...she better got a spanking for that or a time out. Upon talking to my mom on the phone about our little Taylor and her most recently action that led to naughty Tay and tears I had stated I have been there plenty of times starting out what I think is a good idea even great idea suddenly becomes a terrible idea. Its strange how easy and clear an idea comes to you and you roll with it how fast it can head south...in a mater of well Shonna walking into the room and discovering what Taylor has been up too - that fast. The truth is I relate to my 2 year old niece.
So Tay - I vow you this - when you find yourself in hot water - deep trouble I will be the one in a tender way to show you kindness support and understanding no matter what you did - I will never make excuses for you nor will I try to talk your parents out of what they decided as punishment for you behavior. You will always in my book be held accountable for your actions but I also know what its like to dip my toes in a bit of heat - do somethings I know better not to do as well as those times where I just lived in the moment and didn't see the trouble it was leading me too. The truth is Taylor - sometimes we must learn by failing - we gotta mess up alittle before we can clean up. And if you are anything like your Auntie you have to sometimes fail big time and mess up in an epic way in order to learn a few life lessons. But no matter how big of trouble you get in I will always remind you that you are loved. That you are worthy. That you are more than your downfalls and shortcomings. That even thou your parents are heated they will cool and nothing you could ever do would make their love for you go away. I know in life you will face a few times like you had today - that I am sure will see tears and heartbreak upon realizing you did something you shouldn't have done. But know near or far your Auntie will always be there to remind you of what you are capable of and how loved you are and will even offer a few bits of advice on lessons to be learned and actions that you can make moving forward to not repeat in the future. One thing for certain I am quite certain I will be able to say...Tay - did I ever tell you about the time that your auntie did this...and boy oh boy were your granny and gramps not pleased with me...but you know what I learned this...and I realized that even thru all that your granny and gramps still loved me just as I know your mommy and daddy love you. The thing about messes...they can always be picked up and cleaned up. Life is about learning simple as that - we can't be good all the time can we... what fun would that be...besides...no one likes a goodie two shoes that lives life in a perfect bubble.
Monday, September 16, 2013
On the perfect September morning (9.12.2013) I signed the papers to make a charming bungalow my first home as an official homeowner. It was an experience I never had before and one I will never forget. I never quite believe that such a thing would be checked of my life's goal list - being single I never thought I would ever see the day...but then that day came. And not only am I a homeowner but I found a house that screams Michelle Goldmann - I couldn't have found a more fitting home than this beauty.
I am head over heels in love with her. She is filled with character! I heart the way the hardwood floors sound when walking across them - filled with age and stories from a lifetime of people calling her home. She now holds my story in that collection. I love the imperfect details that lie in her walls after years of providing shelter to those who retreated to her each night. I have found my new favorite place to be is looking out the front windows when the sun is rising and setting each day - I love the way the light sunshines thru and reflects off the windows. I love the fact she is aged and with that age she has only gotten more beautiful. With a little elbow grease and sweat she is looking refreshed. I look forward to taking care of her.
Out of all the first things I could have put up - I thought it was fitting that my first item would be NDSU related. For it wasn't that long ago that I drove these very streets during my college days vowing that if I ever called my college city my home it would be in this part of the woods. I knew it was a long shot even then with homes that were way out of my league...but yet I found her right in the heart of those very woods. I couldn't have been more thrilled to realize that my dream location has become my reality.
Clark - I mean Mark (my father) had his own first thing hung moment. In typical fashion it was hunting related. So my first buck "ankles" found his spot on the wall.
I picture this space to be open - fresh and light and in order to do so the red just had to go. I can't wait to show the photo once the other color is up - for I just have this huge feeling it will look like its just meant to be that way all along.
I will admit I was alittle crushed when I found that someone did a damaging act to her by riping out the original built-in and scarring her floor...but then I found this piece and well it looks just like it belongs and as for the floor we are healing her in hopes no scar will be shown.
I am now in the quest of changing her wall appearance to something more Michelle. I have a vision for her - all of her - each room - each wall - each flooring - every single detail will be addressed and she is going to shine like you wouldn't believe once I thru.
Monday, September 9, 2013
In three days time - I will be spending my morning signing roughly around 98 - 101 pieces of paper that will officially make me a homeowner. Ok Ok maybe not an officiall homeowner since the bank will be the official owner of the place until years down the road when this little treasure of mine will be paid off and once in for all actually mine. But in the meantime I will still say I am the proud owner of this gem. I have to admit I wasn't sure if I was ever going to see this day - I didn't think it was possible to actually find a home that fits me and my budget. Taking on this next step solo will be quite the challenging and learning journey for me but its a step I am ready to take. I have had a few loves over the years... The Bison, The Cowboys, a few humans even and now I have found that sort of love in this perfect bungalow on a picture perfect street. I believe she will be quite the site once I am done putting my touch on her - filling her with love - sweat - hard work and a few bucks... ok maybe more than a few bucks. I have had the honor of a few people who I know and who know me very well to walk thru this house and upon leaving they have voiced this house is just so you, Michelle. Well I couldn't agree more. In three days time it will be just me and this house. I can't wait. Its already been quite the journey...and the things that are already in store for this house is well nothing short than amazing. BIG BIG things will be happening - are already happening and I don't even have the keys. Don't worry I will blog about it once its all in place...I will give you a hint it will happen before the turkey is put on the table for Thanksgiving.
Wednesday, September 4, 2013
They can be the right person for you...you know without question yet it just doesn't work...and I think that has everything to deal with timing. Sometimes I think well I know I have met the love of my life - it just didn't work at the time we met or the time we tried to be together. Do I think our story is over...before it ever truly began...ya thats a question even i don't know the answer too...all i do know is that right now its not our time...maybe someday our paths will cross again maybe they won't maybe the one I am suppose to be with is still out there...or maybe its meant that is just me...either way i am done worrying about such things...because in all honesty i am just happy being me and being just with me. My life will not be any less if such a relationship is never found in my life.
Why is it that people are afraid of admitting such things as they are sad, they are in pain, they have demons, they have darkness, that their life isn't perfect. If there is one thing I have always tried to do was to make sure those that I know and care about know full well thats its ok to not have it all together...that they don't have to be perfect for me to accept them - undestand them or care for them. We all have our own darkness our own demons - there is nothing to be ashamed about for having them. They make us human - don't be afraid of the dark for its only in the dark we can see the true light to follow.
For the longest time I felt I was failing if I moved on - if I gave up...That I was less of the person that I am if I did such things. I am still learning I will say that... But I do know that the only person I was hurting by doing such was myself. I was selling myself short and missing out on so much in life becasue I was so busy trying to hold onto something/someone that was long gone. Letting go to me is the hardest thing to do...granted sometimes its easy and I can do without a thought but other times it takes all that I got to turn the page and let the chapter end.
How would you ever know you are having a good day a great day a best day if you didn't have a bad day crappy day shitty day to compare it too? How would you know the value or worth of something unless you have felt and seen both sides of the coin???
STOP IT... NOW... Life isn't that bad...suck it up and see the positives and not focus on the negatives. LIFE IS WAY TOO SHORT to be Complaining.
What's the point of living if we arne't doing the following...growing. learning. laughing. smiling. having fun. loving....if we stop doing those things...whats the point. I hope i NEVER reach an age where I find myself not having fun.....
I have gone thru certain times in my life that I know I will never fully recover from - I truly will never get over...Loss a profound loss from ones life is something I think none of us fully recover from loss we simply learn to live a new normal without that person no longer being there. For I have found there are still sharp painful moments of remembering that it all comes flooding back...The wound always remains just with time the edges are less jagged.
There have been moments in my life where I found myself thinking and feeling to the point of almost being overwhelmed I CAN NOT DO THIS... I MUST HAVE THIS....THIS PERSON MUST BE IN MY LIFE...turns out with time life slowly helps you let go and you know what I have come to realize I have found laughter happiness and love without such things and people even thou there was a voice in my head telling me that i wouldn't be able too. And the best feeling of all is realizing that I was able to let a few things go in life and go without a few things from the start - iwas proven wrong and it was prolly the best thing that could have ever happen. Its pretty liberating knowing full well the needs in your life arne't in fact everything to your life.