Tuesday, November 5, 2013

Dream Away...

 There are a few things in this life that makes me refer to two peas in a pod. Me and Montana..two peas in a pod. Me and skiing..two peas in a pod. Me and my nikon...two peas in a pod. Me and music...two peas in a pod. Me and my niece...two peas in a pod. I am always looking for music that isn't heard over and over on the radio. Awhile back I stumbled across a singer/songwriter named Caitlyn Smith...when I first heard the song she wrote called Dream Away...only one face flashed across my mind...
 "Barefeet - skinned knees 2 years old and she's already flying...hanging from an old oak tree tire swing...trying to kiss the sun - reaching higher and higher...she wants to see what's on the other side of that 6 foot fence...she wants to run as far - as fast as she can...keep your head in the highest cloud...don't think you ever gotta come back down...chase the stars and you'll find what ya looking for..people gonna say what they're gonna say....TAYLOR, you just dream away."
 "If you want to see the other side of this great big world...follow the heart of that little girl..Keep your head in the highest cloud...don't think you ever gotta come back down...chase the stars and you'll find what ya looking for..people gonna say what they're gonna say....TAYLOR, you just dream away."
 Ya my niece may be only 2, but oh my is she full of energy and a zest for life. I can only hope that maybe a little of me might be rubbed off on her but more importantly she grows into someone who is utterly confident in being just her. Someone who knows her self worth and above all that just being Taylor (her greatness and her flaws) is enough. All she has to be is simply her. I have my fingers crossed that she will live outside her comfort zone and push the limits on life. That she isn't afraid of exploring this world whether its in groups or alone. That she has a great relationship with herself - that she knows truly who she is and what she stands for - and that she actually likes that self and embraces spending time with just herself. That she isn't afraid of laughing at herself. That she doesn't sweat the small stuff. I hope she treats everyone she meets and knows with compassion kindness understanding and graditude. I hope she has a wild streak and a voice she isn't afraid to use. I hope she has dreams...dreams that people think she is crazy for having and I hope she has the passion to make those dreams come true. I hope she does things against the grain. That she isn't a follower. I hope she has the guts to blaze her own path in this world. I pray she knows and uses her words - esp Thank you, I am sorry, I love you and Please. I hope she isn't afraid of mistakes mess ups or failure...for its simply just a chance to learn and grow. I hope she knows that she needs no one but herself to complete her - but finds a love to share this journey one day with... That she knows its okay to be lost...its the only way to truly find yourself. That she comes to realize that everything happens for a reason and that reason I am coming to understand is to learn - grow and become. I hope she doens't listen to those people out there that seem to be dream crushers. I hope she carries a postive attitude and sees the glass half full. I am banking on her being that person that accepts people just as they are. I can see her raising a little hell - and that's ok - no one likes a goodie too shoe..I kind of hope she is random like me and even a little strange. I hope she isn't afriad to color outside the lines as well as live outside those lines. That she knows not to strive to be perfect but to strive to be happy. That she finds laughter each and everyday. I hope she discovers her bliss - her joy - her happy place and retreats there often. That she sees the greatness in herself and finds herself linked to the motto her auntie is so in love with...LOVEthisLIFE.I dream that she does things that makes her happy whether it be reading a book - digging in the dirt - baking - sports - riding horses - hunting - painting - skiing - ballet (just please not cheerleading but will support ya even if thats what makes you happy) - and never faces a day where she afraid of being who she is... I hope she knows whats important in this life and values the people she has in her life. Above all i hope she never loses the energy she possesses now as a 2 yr old. I hope she never loses the zest for life she has and her endling desire to explore anything and everything. I hope she never ever stops dreaming. And may she always know she has an auntie that believes in her crazy big dreams and will always say...Taylor...you just dream away....and prove them all wrong when your dreams become reality.

Tuesday, October 8, 2013

Today not Tomorrow

You ever notice how fast people are trying to get somewhere - anywhere but here. They are constantly waiting for this to happen - because they feel their missing out on life because they are without it... don't they realize they are missing out on life right here and now but focusing too much on the future and what it holds they are letting the right now slip right thru their fingertips.

I have no  clue what my future days hold - i don't know what the pages of my story will come to write what i do know thus far is that the future days that have already turned into now and then into the past - well they turned out alright...i am here aren't i...i found a way to make it work with what I have been given not what I have gone without. I believe if its meant to be it will be...it doesn't mean i haven't faced my share of times and moments where i was dragging my heels because i didn't want it to end or I didn't want to accept the fate that lied in front of me as my destiny. Letdown - hurt - heart ache - loss  - failure - sorrow is never easy to stomach...and I guess if it became easy to do so - well then we would really have a problem. But i do know I overcame those moments...it turns out i am a lot stronger than even i thought. And you know what those things I thought I needed and those people I thought I could never live without...well I still found my smile - still had my laugh and ya know what i still carry with me...my happiness. Life just has that way of taking you to the places and to the people you are truly meant to be with and at if you let it...

So I guess you could say I have stopped looking and wondering into the future...those days will soon take care of themselves for now I am focused on the days that are a given that I can never get back. For tomorrow is an extra so I am focused on making today my best day. For life is about TODAY not TOMORROW.

Thursday, September 26, 2013

A touch of Whitefish...

 Before I left Whitefish I was lucky enough to get my hands on a piece of history from the resort when it was know as Big Mountain Resort. Now days its known as Whitefish Mountain Resort on Big Mountain (located in Whitefish, Montana). This gem once took skiers to the slopes via the Badrock Lift way way back in the day. I was pumped when I got my hands on her and then Oly the lift maintenance pro on the mountain offered to turn the chair into a rocker. I had to wait for him to do his work - he's a busy guy making sure all the lifts are running smooth and update on the resort - so wait I did...but the wait was so worth it. Last winter I picked her up when I was there for a ski trip with my family. I was in love with her and that was pre-make over. She was old simple as that rusted and in tough shape - but my love remained no matter what.
 Until I had the space for her I had it store at my uncle Brad's body shop. I had high hopes that one day that maybe I would get around to having my uncle paint her like new. As you know from previous blogs I became a homeowner going on two weeks ago - so it meant I finally had the space to house this gem myself. Last night my parents arrived back into town with a trailer and this just happened to be on it. When I arrived home I was already excited to see the special chair with deep meaning to me in MY HOME! Once I opened the gate I became even more thrilled to see her...my uncle had brought her back to life and gave her a new paint job as a house warming gift to me. My parents had found out info from me on such things as what lift the chair belonged to. They decided to keep it the same color as it once was back in her glory days on the mountain and my uncle added a few touches in the details. Needless to say I was just about as happy as one could be.
Leaving the mountains and Whitefish was a tough tough choice for me - but I realized the mountains in Montana would always be there - so for the time being I packed my belongings and said goodbye...not going to lie my soul is prolly still somewhere to be found on those very mountains this chair called home...one day I will call her home again. But in the mean time I am embracing my new home and falling in love with her just as much as I did with Montana. And well this chair is just a piece of Whitefish that reminds me I am home - I am at peace. As I sat on her and rocked last nite I swear I could feel the same Montana air filling my lungs and that feeling of being at peace swepted over me - the exact one that I found in the sleepy ski town. The peace that place brought me is now found in my backyard. At home yes in deed I am.

Tuesday, September 24, 2013

Even when you are naughty...

On a perfect Fall afternoon I received the following text message from my sister in-law, Shonna.
"Well it's a good thing we are getting rid of this carpet, just busted Tay doing this to it"...(see picture below).  Taylor's Granny (my mom) response was quite clever - " Oh Oh Picasso at work in the wrong place."
 My reaction was prolly less filled with anger than it was for my sister in-law and brother upon seeing that their daughter decided to update their carpet by coloring it blue - maybe after hearing them talk about the change of wanting it either replaced or removed to showcase the hardwood floors she took action into her own hands. My brother's response to the text message was classic any parent's reply would be...she better got a spanking for that or a time out.  Upon talking to my mom on the phone about our little Taylor and her most recently action that led to naughty Tay and tears I had stated I have been there plenty of times starting out what I think is a good idea even great idea suddenly becomes a terrible idea. Its strange how easy and clear an idea comes to you and you roll with it how fast it can head south...in a mater of well Shonna walking into the room and discovering what Taylor has been up too - that fast. The truth is I relate to my 2 year old niece.
So Tay - I vow you this - when you find yourself in hot water - deep trouble I will be the one in a tender way to show you kindness support and understanding no matter what you did - I will never make excuses for you nor will I try to talk your parents out of what they decided as punishment for you behavior. You will always in my book be held accountable for your actions but I also know what its like to dip my toes in a bit of heat - do somethings I know better not to do as well as those times where I just lived in the moment and didn't see the trouble it was leading me too. The truth is Taylor - sometimes we must learn by failing - we gotta mess up alittle before we can clean up.  And if you are anything like your Auntie you have to sometimes fail big time and mess up in an epic way in order to learn a few life lessons. But no matter how big of trouble you get in I will always remind you that you are loved. That you are worthy. That you are more than your downfalls and shortcomings. That even thou your parents are heated they will cool and nothing you could ever do would make their love for you go away. I know in life you will face a few times like you had today - that I am sure will see tears and heartbreak upon realizing you did something you shouldn't have done. But know near or far your Auntie will always be there to remind you of what you are capable of and how loved you are and will even offer a few bits of advice on lessons to be learned and actions that you can make moving forward to not repeat in the future. One thing for certain I am quite certain I will be able to say...Tay - did I ever tell you about the time that your auntie did this...and boy oh boy were your granny and gramps not pleased with me...but you know what I learned this...and I realized that even thru all that your granny and gramps still loved me just as I know your mommy and daddy love you. The thing about messes...they can always be picked up and cleaned up. Life is about learning simple as that - we can't be good all the time can we... what fun would that be...besides...no one likes a goodie two shoes that lives life in  a perfect bubble. 

Monday, September 16, 2013

HOME...@ Last.

 On the perfect September morning (9.12.2013) I signed the papers to make a charming bungalow my first home as an official homeowner. It was an experience I never had before and one I will never forget. I never quite believe that such a thing would be checked of my life's goal list - being single I never thought I would ever see the day...but then that day came. And not only am I a homeowner but I found a house that screams Michelle Goldmann - I couldn't have found a more fitting home than this beauty.
I am head over heels in love with her. She is filled with character! I heart the way the hardwood floors sound when walking across them - filled with age and stories from a lifetime of people calling her home. She now holds my story in that collection. I love the imperfect details that lie in her walls after years of providing shelter to those who retreated to her each night. I have found my new favorite place to be is looking out the front windows when the sun is rising and setting each day - I love the way the light sunshines thru and reflects off the windows. I love the fact she is aged and with that age she has only gotten more beautiful. With a little elbow grease and sweat she is looking refreshed. I look forward to taking care of her.
 Out of all the first things I could have put up - I thought it was fitting that my first item would be NDSU related. For it wasn't that long ago that I drove these very streets during my college days vowing that if I ever called my college city my home it would be in this part of the woods. I knew it was a long shot even then with homes that were way out of my league...but yet I found her right in the heart of those very woods. I couldn't have been more thrilled to realize that my dream location has become my reality.
Clark - I mean Mark (my father) had his own first thing hung moment. In typical fashion it was hunting related. So my first buck "ankles" found his spot on the wall.
 I picture this space to be open - fresh and light and in order to do so the red just had to go. I can't wait to show the photo once the other color is up - for I just have this huge feeling it will look like its just meant to be that way all along.
 I will admit I was alittle crushed when I found that someone did a damaging act to her by riping out the original built-in and scarring her floor...but then I found this piece and well it looks just like it belongs and as for the floor we are healing her in hopes no scar will be shown.
I am now in the quest of changing her wall appearance to something more Michelle. I have a vision for her - all of her - each room - each wall - each flooring - every single detail will be addressed and she is going to shine like you wouldn't believe once I thru.
 Though the list of things to do is quite long I will take my time and check things off once they are done in complete perfection that adds even more to her character. I am planning on been with her for quite awhile so I know there is no rush. However I am looking forward to my belongings finding there home instead of just being at home in boxes. Its a process but a process that is worth doing - for like I said I am already completely head over heels in love with her - so nothing seems like work to me for I enjoy each moment I spend with her.

Monday, September 9, 2013


In three days time - I will be spending my morning signing roughly around 98 - 101 pieces of paper that will officially make me a homeowner. Ok Ok maybe not an officiall homeowner since the bank will be the official owner of the place until years down the road when this little treasure of mine will be paid off and once in for all actually mine. But in the meantime I will still say I am the proud owner of this gem.  I have to admit I wasn't sure if I was ever going to see this day - I didn't think it was possible to actually find a home that fits me and my budget. Taking on this next step solo will be quite the challenging and learning journey for me but its a step I am ready to take. I have had a few loves over the years... The Bison, The Cowboys, a few humans even and now I have found that sort of love in this perfect bungalow on a picture perfect street.  I believe she will be quite the site once I am done putting my touch on her - filling her with love - sweat - hard work and a few bucks... ok maybe more than a few bucks. I have had the honor of a few people who I know and who know me very well to walk thru this house and upon leaving they have voiced this house is just so you, Michelle. Well I couldn't agree more. In three days time it will be just me and this house. I can't wait. Its already been quite the journey...and the things that are already in store for this house is well nothing short than amazing. BIG BIG things will be happening - are already happening and I don't even have the keys. Don't worry I will blog about it once its all in place...I will give you a hint it will happen before the turkey is put on the table for Thanksgiving. 

Wednesday, September 4, 2013


They can be the right person for you...you know without question yet it just doesn't work...and I think that has everything to deal with timing. Sometimes I think well I know I have met the love of my life - it just didn't work at the time we met or the time we tried to be together. Do I think our story is over...before it ever truly began...ya thats a question even i don't know the answer too...all i do know is that right now its not our time...maybe someday our paths will cross again maybe they won't maybe the one I am suppose to be with is still out there...or maybe its meant that is just me...either way i am done worrying about such things...because in all honesty i am just happy being me and being just with me. My life will not be any less if such a relationship is never found in my life.
Why is it that people are afraid of admitting such things as they are sad, they are in pain, they have demons, they have darkness, that their life isn't perfect. If there is one thing I have always tried to do was to make sure those that I know and care about know full well thats its ok to not have it all together...that they don't have to be perfect for me to accept them - undestand them or care for them. We all have our own darkness our own demons - there is nothing to be ashamed about for having them. They make us human - don't be afraid of the dark for its only in the dark we can see the true light to follow. 
For the longest time I felt I was failing if I moved on - if I gave up...That I was less of the person that I am if I did such things. I am still learning I will say that... But I do know that the only person I was hurting by doing such was myself. I was selling myself short and missing out on so much in life becasue I was so busy trying to hold onto something/someone that was long gone. Letting go to me is the hardest thing to do...granted sometimes its easy and I can do without a thought but other times it takes all that I got to turn the page and let the chapter end.
How would you ever know you are having a good day a great day a best day if you didn't have a bad day crappy day shitty day to compare it too? How would you know the value or worth of something unless you have felt and seen both sides of the coin???
STOP IT... NOW... Life isn't that bad...suck it up and see the positives and not focus on the negatives. LIFE IS WAY TOO SHORT to be Complaining.
What's the point of living if we arne't doing the following...growing. learning. laughing. smiling. having fun. loving....if we stop doing those things...whats the point. I hope i NEVER reach an age where I find myself not having fun.....
I have gone thru certain times in my life that I know I will never fully recover from - I truly will never get over...Loss a profound loss from ones life is something I think none of us fully recover from loss we simply learn to live a new normal without that person no longer being there. For I have found there are still sharp painful moments of remembering that it all comes flooding back...The wound always remains just with time the edges are less jagged.
There have been moments in my life where I found myself thinking and feeling to the point of almost being overwhelmed I CAN NOT DO THIS... I MUST HAVE THIS....THIS PERSON MUST BE IN MY LIFE...turns out with time life slowly helps you let go and you know what I have come to realize I have found laughter happiness and love without such things and people even thou there was a voice in my head telling me that i wouldn't be able too. And the best feeling of all is realizing that I was able to let a few things go in life and go without a few things from the start - iwas proven wrong and it was prolly the best thing that could have ever happen. Its pretty liberating knowing full well the needs in your life arne't in fact everything to your life.

Thursday, August 29, 2013

QUOTE CHAT : 24 - forgot about you...

What I have realized more and more is that I am becoming better at accepting the fact that life ins't always peachy. Sometimes it just down right sucks...and thats ok. Those times don't last forever. So embrace them. Learn from them. Grow from them and become MORE from those times. We have them for a reason and that reason is to learn grow and become.
Sometimes my restlessness and unsettling ways of feeling like I am trapped in a zoo cage makes me feel like maybe I just don't belong here.There have been many moments in my life where I just simply feel like something got mixed up and the life I was suppose to live was 40 years ago. Or I am trapped in a body with too old of a soul. There have been times where I simply just don't understand people and the logic behind what they are doing thinking and saying. And I think its because of why I am and who I am that I find most enjoyment in being alone away with myself lost in life. I am at peace when its just me - maybe there is truth to this saying....
I have spend the last few weeks packing items and getting rid of items and this is the rule of thumb I have been using. And man oh man does it help you down size and be organized. My new policy now is if I buy something or bring something home something must find a new owner/home.
These such moments when I follow this pull are the very moments my soul feels most alive and most at home. I simply love such moments...let life be your map and your soul your compass.

Isn't that the truth...its always the gettting started part that takes the longest...the first step in the unknown that scares us...once we get going all is good to go fine...its the starting process that we need to get kicked to do. So find that 20 seconds and start.
I will admit there was at a point in my life that I strived to be noticed for the wrong reasons. I was never much for one to want the spotlight on me - in fact such a light still makes me red in the face. I was always terrible at recieving compliments because I just felt awkward - what do I say what do I do how do I act? So thankfully it was a bit easier for me to learn this lessons of striving to simply shine in a way that stays true to who I am as an all around person not just being someone in the spot light then a different person when the spotlight is off me. And to do such a thing I have simply focused on being who I am and who I am capable of being regardless who is around or if not one is around. I am not living a life to impress others I am here with the purpose to just be me - live life and learn from life. I am not perfect I make mistakes but i am learning and I am above all else trying to treat others with compassion understanding and respect regardless if its returned to me or not.
I have yet to have a full understanding why we tend to stray away from the very things we need in our life to bring us happiness to complete us to make us feel alive. Are we scared? Are we lazy? Are we unsure? I don't get it. What I do know is that I have made a pack with myself to spend more time living outside my comfort zone. Less think thinking more time living and being. I am embracing the unknown the challenges and the changes not avoiding them or turning in the other direction from them. Its time to start truly living not just existing.

Wednesday, August 28, 2013

Living out of a Suitcase.

The 50 plus U-Haul boxes I saved when moving from Montana came in very handy, for all my belongings were all boxed and taped up and on THE HOTTEST weekend of the year I decided it was the perfect time to move all my belongings into storage...I curse the weekend my moving day fell upon. Jacorian summed it up best by saying - "I didn't even sweat this much playing sports." 98 degree heat plus humidity made for a very sticky-gross weekend. But thanks to family help we were able to get it all cleared out and put into storage for the next 17 days. I am not so thrilled to have to move everything twice nor are my movers aka family members and friends. Yet it was the right move in the end to say goodbye to that townhome as soon as possible. For now we (brother Jacorian and I ) are living out of a suitcase with family until I sign around 98 pieces of paper to become a homeowner. Oh the joys of adulthood...i think...

My life is a bit of a bomb explosion site - having no idea where this is or where that was packed or if the box was stored here or somewhere else. And I am guessing it will be that way for awhile until I get all settled. I heart the fact that I will not have to move or think about moving for some time after this process is complete!!!!!!! Yet I will still be saving all those U-Haul boxes just in case...For now I am enjoying spending time with the cousins and yet in the same breathe glad that when I will be leaving the kids will be staying - ha love them to death but they are a responsibility that I am quite glad that I don't have at this time in my life.

The countdown is now 15 days... And I am ready for new beginnings and leaving a few things in the past. Life is about change and I am ready for a different kind of change to occur one I have never experienced before - so I am embracing the journey as I walk it and learning as I go - and hoping the process goes as fast as it can because I am finding out more and more each day that I packed this away or need that and can't find it. Oh the joys of life esp when you are in transition!


Thursday, August 22, 2013

New Beginnings - Changes on the Horizon

After leaving my soul's home in Big Sky country and traveling the 20 hours to my old but new home of Fargo, ND - I have been surfing real estate and going on home tour after home tour. Until a few weeks ago when I stumbled upon a bungalow located in the neighborhood I use to dream about living in if I ever stay in my college town. I fell in love with its old charm and detail - not too big not too small of a place - granted the bedrooms may require me to get creative or downsize. The front porch with its view of the perfect street lined with the huge mature trees that just puts a smile on my face - I am sure come fall I will curse those very trees when I have endless raking. My favorite thing about my neighborhood is the fact that each house is old - different and completely redone to simply make each house on the block a home. I have no trouble picturing what I can do to make her as in my house sparkle & shine and bring back to life. After much thought I realized I have a conncetion with this gem of a place and decided I should try to make her mine... So I put in an offer a few weeks ago and the offer was accepted. Now the packing has begun - and as hard as it was to pack all my belongings up in Montana I am finding I have no troubles at all leaving my current townhome, that place never was me to start with too much the same and not enough of being different. I realize that becoming a homeowner is a big step and even more of a bigger step when its just you getting into it. But its a new beginning and a new chagne that I am welcoming with open arms. A place that I can put my hardwork sweat tears elbow grease and cash into. A place I can lose myself into fixing this doing that planning a to do list and saving for that list. A place where I will find myself taking pride in keeping my yard looking nice - where my weekend mornings will be filled with raking mowing shoveling and my afternoons sitting on the porch and enjoying being outdoors. I know the changes this place will hold - and I am awaiting on a certain arrival that will be coming late this fall - winter that will occupy my time and be my very personal source of joy and pride. I may not stay forever in this perfect place of mine but during my time here it will be just that - mine. I look forward to what lies ahead of me as a homeowner and the changes that it will make in my life. New beginninges are often kind of scary because of the fact you have no idea what is to come...well I will just figure it out as I go and the rest will fall into place.

Monday, August 12, 2013


Sometimes I feel that I don't do a good enough job at doing just that. I often ask myself why didn't you... My answer usually goes along something like this - I was too busy with something else. I was too tired or just plain lazy. I was focused on something else that took my attention from it. All are terrible excuses and I am not at all happy with. I want to really strive to keep myself open to such things as well as able to respond to such things by living in this moment right now not on a moment that already has happened or a moment that has yet to happen. I know I fail greatly at this at times and I need to work on getting better - simple as that. Life is a collection of moments and I want my life to be focused more on the moments that excites my spirit and or moments that lead to learning growth and becoming. 
I tend to put pressure on myself at times to do this or that - but as much pressure I put on that I realize I don't put pressure on myself to become this kind of person instead of that. I have spent more time that I know working on and truly knowing who I am - granted I still have learning and growing to do and always will I have for the most part an over all somewhat good handle on who I am. There are parts of me that I don't some much like to accept as well as parts that need changing and I am working on that - and I know that if I continue to work on such I can truly change such. It is simple stated the person I am is the person I decide to be. I couldn't agree more for in the end its ME who is living my life. ME who makes the decisions and choices to be no one else I hold the power as well as the responsiblity.
How can something so simply stated and known be so gosh darn hard to accept. Why is it when you are in the moment of things you completely forget the flip of the coin. How you simply can not have one without the other and even better how does one maintain the correct way of thinking on such a matter when you are chin high deep in reality with it. Well...I think it just has to do with having the control of breathing and gathering yourself. To stay grounded and not let yourself go off the deep end. Sometimes its easy and other times its the hardest thing you possibly ever could do.
You ever look at someone and think how in the f--- do they make it look so darn easy?!?!? Well I will share a secret with you... looking the part doesn't mean that is the part. I think people are really good at wearing masks - at faking it til they make it - at putting on a front.  Because for some reason in reality its not so much looked down upon as its thought down upon. Kind of like when you ask how someone is doing and they say ok or I am fine - when even you know clearly they are not. I am unsure why we do that - is it self pride?? Because the truth is life is challenging us and testing each one of us - every second of the day, it never ends or lets go. None of us have the answers we are all embarking on finding such answers. Some of us just have it down a bit better than the others and I think that has to deal more with knowing who we are than anythign else and paying attention to how we truly feel and what we truly want. There was a time where I thought so and so had it all together that they had the answers but it just turned out they are living and learning as they go as much as I am...simple as that...we are all learning and living as we go.
Have you noticed there is more than one way to get to work in the morning and more than one way to return to your home when you come back. I think we get so focused and one tracked minded we forget there are other ways to go about things to achieve them. It doesn't have to be a simple way - a textbook way - an easy way nor a timed way. You just simple have to get there in the end. If its something important to you simply don't give up - get creative in your ways of things and going about things. Most things that are rewarding require a toll. Sometimes it costs you a lot sometimes the cost is nothing. I truly believe why we have road blocks and detours are simply so we are forced to try harder to not give up to allow ourselves to live and achieve outside the box - because who knows its not the achieving part in which we finally arrive that truly counts but the process of getting there.
There have been moments where I find myself saying wait...wait... this isn't you... why do you feel like that? why are you saying that...and once I stop and think about it I realize its because well this happened or that happened. Something I am in no way proud of esp when those actions have turned me into someone that is less or damaged. The truth is things people events shape us form us and tend to influnce who we are - whether its to our notice or not it happens. Most often than not it requires us to be present and in control of our lives and who we are becoming. The prime example is loss - hurt and heart ache. We tend to avoid - shutdown or withdrawal when we are in such a state we simply don't want to go thru that again and find ourselves feeling in such a way. We have all been told at one point or another you can't let that hurt shape who you are or cloud your decision of what to do this time around. Well I know it comes for the right place but to be honest when you know how it feels and how long it took you to stand back up and be ok with the new change in reality - it is something you do not soon forget. Why on earth would I want to put myself in a position to be in the very place that it took me forever to get out of...and I know the answer some things some people are worth taking that risk. And as much as I don't want to be that person that is a debby downer - my history has proven to me that I have yet to find that person or have time line up on my side to have found that risk worth taking. I don't want to be a closed off person I don't want to be damaged goods or some cold person - and i do work to make sure I am not such but there comes a time when you must be accepting that the things that happened to you in your life do affect you no matter how much you would like it to or not...I think the key is balance and not letting those events have complete control over your being! 
Why is it that we don't see should things... Why can't we realize that we are doing them? I am guilty of saying I am a certain kind of person - strong caring compassionate understanding funny semi-smart...I think on most days I am pretty darn worth while. Yet I have found myself in places and with people that I begin to find myself proving them that I am worthy. And worse yet I don't even know I am doing it. Rejection its a tough tough thing to face. Facing the reality of that rejection might be even harder. I am not quite certain why I allow myself to bend so greatly for people that well aren't worth it. How can I stand tall and firm in my conviction of saying this is me take me as I am or don't. Well it prolly has to deal with the fact that I care for that person or how I want that person to be apart of my life. Or maybe how I feel like I might be that person that gets the other to open their eyes and change. I believe too much prolly in people - that people can change that all they need is someone in their corner. What I fail to realize is that often I allow myself to be taken advantage of - I allow someone to drag me thru the dirt - I find myself taking the blame or saying I am sorry for something I am not at fault at. Ya I realize I am an enabler...but my question how do you get yourself not to care. Not to feel like a failure when you walk away or let go. Why do I allow someone who doesn't own such power to have such power over me. How do I become confident and saying and doing the part of being done of walking away of letting go.  How do I finally say I am done trying I am done with you treating me like crap because you simply don't know how to treat someone the correct way. And how do you walk away without that feeling of failure or regret following you. 
There has been moments in my life where I will admit I get caught up in the moment of things - when I am dealing with reality that well that I don't quite want to deal with I avoid thinking about it or dealing with it in means of buying. I will admit my previous years I was terrible at this over the years since of realize I have this habbit I have gotten better at it - way better at it. My other problem is from time to time I let others influnce my life a bit too much - which shocks me because I usually never allow people to weigh in on my choices esp to the point of making negative ones. But well we are all human. I have come to know thou that when I start getting rid of things the more free I feel. I am striving to keep cutting back instead of having all these things I am focusing on the things that will last and the things that I need instead of want. Sometimes I still slip and get a few items that belong under the want column. But Rome wasn't built in a day so I won't change fully over night either. I am learning to let go - to be free of things and yes sometimes people. Its hard at times to do that subtracting like SUPER SUPER HARD!!!! But I guess not all things great come easy so neither should letting go be.
You ever find yourself taking a stumble turning it into a trip then into a fall. Ya I have been there and ya I am usually the master of my own disaster. I have a great gift of taking something and picking at it until it turns into a wound. Instead of just letting something go I at times over think over focus on something that I want fixed. I just can't for some reason let it go... esp if I feel like I might have some control of over it. Its a terrible trait that I have and its one that I don't want to have if its a matter of something that can be changed. So ya I am working on it - and its hard work but work that needs to be done.
Life will never be perfect it will never go just the way I had in mind for it to go - might come close from time to time but never picture perfect.  What I am realizing is that I am becoming more and more adapting to life. I learning how to endure and carry on with whatever life presents to me as reality. I will admit its not pretty at times - i stumble to get my footing - I trip and some times fall flat on my faces and at times its takes me awhile to get back up ... but I always do rise and proceed forward. I get upset with myself not being able to move at a fast pace or my failure at learning quickly as well as adjusting quickly - regarding that I am working at being patient with myself and understanding that it takes time to adjust to things and allow myself that time. I know one thing for sure my ablitity to find the high points when I am in the low is good - the power of a positive attitude is key and keep that frame of mind is something to work towards. Its not easy but once you get use to surfing the trouble spots of your life the more you will enjoy this life.
There was a time where it mattered to me what those people were saying but really I was never fully bothered by it - i always figured people will talk no matter what you do or don't do - say or don't say. Its just how the story goes and I have come to accpet that - thats just what some people do. I make sure thou its not something that I do - that I am not those people. I have much respect for those who are willing to say things that are tough to my face and confront me instead of talk behind my back. I would hope if someone has a problem with me that they would tell me in person. As for the gossip part of things - do your talking it will get you no where. I couldn't stand the way gossip leaves a terrible taste in my mouth that I just can't get rid of - over the years I have worked on removing that from my life and its something that I want to keep out of my life. Its alot less stressful and relaxing now that I just have come to avoid such people and such convos. And as for those talking about me... well hopefully I am giving you something worth talking and gossiping about - but chances are prolly not.

Thursday, August 8, 2013


I think we have all been there - and guitly of it. I find myself getting into a pattern of just getting up going to work and coming home over and over and over - and soon realize just what I am missing out on. So much living can be done just in our everyday routines and I know I fall short with such because I either am too lazy or make excuses on why I shouldn't do this or that. This usually ends up with my getting upset with myself after a given point of time has passed because I know full well that I have wasted time as well as lost time I will never get back. I have a goal to do something something at least one a day that provides that feeling of being fully and completely alive. When I was in Montana it was easy I walked outside and it was there it engulf me when I was with mother nature on a mountain - now days I have to get alittle more creative but regardless those moments still exist for me to create make and have.
Why is this such a hard thing to accept. Why can't it just be easy to say know and feel its ok if thats the way it goes. Instead I often am filled with regret - beating myself up with thougths of if you would have done this instead of that. Some life lessons are just simply hard to accept know and learn as simple as that - esp when they involve someone leaving your life. When I find myself in such a position I truly try to understand myself what I can learn from the situation to better myself as well as make sure it doesn't happen again and above all grow and learn from the hardships it provided. Failure Flaws and Faults are often very hard to take ownership of - to realize your wrong doings and mistakes but its the only way that growth can happen - to realize we messed up and we aren't perfect grounds us in the fact that we are human and we are going to hit rock bottom we are gonna do things and say things that well we wish we could take back but can't.  All we can do is learn and move forward and to know that sometimes its just how life goes - we aren't meant to be fully present in everyone's life just as how everyone is not meant to be present in your life. We must learn to let go and trust that there is a purpose - a reason and one day we will come to understand fully what that purpose and reason is.
I have seen this many times - prolly because I tend to observe what is going on around me - I see people creating their own drama and drowning in their own drama. I often wonder do they realize they are making a slip into a trip into a fall? Can they see these things or is being in the moment rob them from such clarity? Worse yet do I appear to be this as well when I have life issues? How does it appear when I handle changes and challenges of life? I would hope to say I am not like that but well I am looking from the inside out not the outside in. I do know that when you part take in gossip and drama you are a creator of it and the creator is always left in the midst of it, there is no escaping it unless you simply don't take any part in it. The other way of avoiding such things I believe is the attitude you bring to life - it can make all the difference in the world if you are seeing the positive side of things and not focusing on the negative. It isn't easy at times but it doens't truly make a difference. Regardless as the saying goes you get what you give. So pay attention to what you are putting out in the world it will be coming back to you in the same form.
I think there is a fine line of being able to firm yet being able to bend. Knowing when to to voice your words for action and when to stay silent and be understanding. Being able to stand up for your thougths and feelings and when to show compassion to others. I think it takes being both strong and weak - soft and solid to be a grounded person. I strive to be both yet not too tough you aren't someone that can't be approached and not to kind to the point people walk all over me and take advantage of. There is a happy medium and the key is to find that balance as well as keep that balance in life.

The truth is simpe - there are moments in our life we reach that forever alter who we are - often it comes in terms of loss - death, break ups or great change graduating, moving, divorce, birth, wedding or new job - just a few examples. I find it amazing how we are capable of enduring this times that forever change us. How our beings adapt embrace and change with what has been handed to us as our new reality. Its really remarkable to sit back and spend some time thinking about this. Most often than not our being finds ways to support as well as protect ourselves while going thru such change - allowing ourselves to slowly forget is a major way we adapt - thank god for this or everyday waking up would be nightmare - even thou when going thru such times right away it seems just like that. But slowly with time we chang - we heal - we evolve. Reflecting back on my life I can recall thus far 6 big life moments that changed my life and I know as I travel thru this life that number will only increase. Now that I have somewhat embarked a great deal down such roads I notice the changes and growth in the person that I am today. Life is surely amazing what it brings to you - what you learn from it and how you grow and become from those very things. And I believe it will constantly take this form of shape until we take our last breath. We are here to learn. We are here to grow. We are here to become. And its thru life changing moments we find the biggest change biggest challenge and biggest growth.
Its a plain and simple fact that somedays you just need a drink and it doesn't matter the time of day. Thankfully there are sayings such as this that make it acceptable!!!
Don't you just hate it when you realize if you keep doing the same thing you will get the same thing. In order to get something different you have to do something differnt. Life is all about change - constantly never ending change. We aren't meant to stay the same simple as that. And if you want things to be different you have to be different simple as that. Seems pretty logicial doesn't it. 
My days of dreaming to be married to become a mom well are pretty much behind me - they are thoughts that don't even cross my mind, I guess if they happen they happen but they are no longer things I feel need to happen in order for me to have a complete and happy life. As the years have gone by my focus has been on striving to be simply happy and content with the life that I live. Did I picture it to be like this - well prolly not but you know what I find it to be quite rewarding because I have this life that I am simply at ease with being in. I am comfortable in my own skin and comfortable with being whether that is alone or with someone else. I like just being in silence - with music playing somewhere in the background and I am busy with the task at hand. Its calming knowing I have just what I need and want. As for the rest I believe what is meant to be will be, when it comes - if it comes or doesn't come at all - my life will not be any less. I am just focusing on embracing the life that is now.
Guilty as charged. Something I need to come to terms with and fully accept. I am terrible about opening up to others because of the fact that I allow myself to think in terms of their sorrow is much more than mine - always trying to find ways to lessen my reasons for being down because someone else's loss or saddness is greater than mine. I wish I could say I am getting better at accepting it but well its still something I am working on. Comparing it in this matter to happiness it makes much more sense why you shouldn't think in such a matter. Something I truly need to keep in mind.