Wednesday, March 31, 2010

Too Much

Every once in awhile I will get wrapped up in life. I find myself short of breath when I think of the future that lies before me. The choices I have to make the places I want to go the people I want to see the things I want to do. And suddenly I feel like there's not enough time. Suddenly I find myself rattled with the fact that I can't do it all. Which drives me nuts. Life can be overwhelming can't it... And this is coming from a single gal living life in the mountains so I can't even imagine what its like to be someone who is a mother of three or a business woman working 60 hour weeks. Or in that case a college student a high school student. It seems like life's pressures escape no one. Matter what age what they are doing or where they are at. Even the simplest of people find themselves with such moments in their lives.

So what do we do... When life gets to be too much. When we find ourselves stressed. When we are surrounded by chaos. When we are overwelmed and simply don't know what to do... I had someone ask me what to do to handle stress. And the truth is there really isn't a how to guide that is perfect. The truth is we each have to handle life's pressures in our own way.

But what I do is take a deep breath. I inhale and exhale and just focus on my breathing. And I remind myself I can handle this. I was given this life because I am capable and strong enough to live it. That even though I feel lost or over my head I was given this to rise above. To learn and grow. And I think back to all those moments where I thought I never would overcome. Never succeed. Never finish... And remember that I did!

But what I find we all need is an escape. A positive healthy escape in this life. Some bake or cook. Some fish or hunt. Some read or sew. Some garden or build. Some play or workout. Some its found in the company of the ones they love. It could be one single thing we do or a 1000 little things. It doesn't matter. Its just a place stress worries pressures and racing thoughts don't follow us. For me its found when I am surrounded by nature. Its found when its just me and my nikon...alone. Prolli why I always venture off by myself. I have my time with others and love it but sometimes my escape is taking in the beauty of nature in silence.

We all have to recharge the batteries. We all just have to stop thinking sometimes and that's what having an escape is all about. For I have learned that sometimes the answers to our problems are solved by simply removing ourselves away from it...most of the time we just well think too much. Stress too much. Worry too much! We are simply doing too much of the wrong thing!

Tuesday, March 30, 2010

PS i miss you

There's a million people in our life. They walk in and walk out. Pass in and pass thru from the moment we first take our breath in this world and I am guessing will continue til we take our last. Neighbors. Teachers. Friends. Classmates. Teammates. Coworkers. The list goes on and on. Think of all the people your life comes in touch with just on a given Monday or Thursday. Some play minor roles others major roles yet some we don't even know have passed thru.

What gives a persons life meanin to our life. And why is it some have more than others? Why is it that others we never miss never notice while others we count the days til they walk into our life again?

I have been blessed beyond my years in this life! My life has been touched by some amazing souls. I have been loved my many. Yet I trealize that havin the love of one doesn't mean it replaces the love of another. I know humans have a heart big enough to find and make room for more love in their lives. And thou I am grateful for new souls in my life it doesn't mean I don't miss the ones who no longer are there.

I am glad I don't have to pick because if it meant having one or the other I am not sure what I would do. The past vs the present vs the future. What I trust in is the fact there's a meaning and reason for people to be in your life... And the when where and how plays a role in that too. But I still miss faces I no longer see. I still miss voices I no longer hear. I still miss convos with these people I no longer see or talk too... Yet my love remains. Whether they have left this world or just have left my life... I am grateful for the time I spent with you. And I am honored to have had you in my life. PS... I miss you!

Monday, March 29, 2010

Keep Going

This life is full of reasons to want to stop. To give in. To take the easy path. To quit.

We are surround by failure. Struggle. Pain. Sickness. Death. Sorrow... We know of such stories in the lives around us as well as in our own lives, Yet we endure. We try. We carry on. We keep going. When everything around else falls apart we find the strength from only God to keep going. To keep breathing. To keep living.

For thou there's much sorrow. Much struggle. Much failure. Much sickness... There's also much overcoming. Much enduring. Much to keep goin in this life. Tonight I pray for those who are in the darkness. I pray for your strength in this life's trial. I pray you walk with grace and pride.. That you continue to fight for this life. And may you be in the company of those who support you and love you. A special prayer to my college friend Jess who is a mother of two small cute boys battling cancer. May she fight and win! My thoughts are with you and your family! And may you keep going!

Wednesday, March 24, 2010

its a ME world

Sometimes its easy to get wrapped up in our lives. To see the small picture as the big picture. We see and think me me me I I I. Its what's goin on in our life that we focus on. Its our success our challenges our changes our sorrow our failures and problems. And in some ways that's the way life should be and lived.

But when is it too much. When is it too much me me me. Too much I I I?!

There's more to this life than who we are. There's more to this life this world then just the me and I. Do I know what that is... Well no still working on it but I am positive there is.

So until I figure it out I am goin to start listening more instead of talking. I am goin to start seeing what is truly there instead of looking casually. I am goin to understand instead of judge. I am goin to give instead of take. I am goin to put others before me. I am goin to pay more attention to the fact that we all carry regret pain trails and failures with us. That sometimes there's more then what meets the eye. and these people are awaiting for someone to listen. To understand. To give. To help.

I feel that if we live a life with a little less me me me and a bit more for others so much can be accomplished. So much can be done for the good of humanity and this life and this world!! It is a me world yes... But in order for things to happen and change it all starts with a me taking the step and doing!!

Monday, March 22, 2010


Most have the Monday blues. Many think of Monday as their least favorite day of the week. To me... I heart Mondays! Maybe its because I enjoy each day of the week the same OR maybe its because how and where I spend my Mondays.

Mondays are spent with my K2's on Big Mountain. Mondays are my day to connect with nature. To shut off and out the chaos of everday life and just enjoy the moment.

Today I spent my Monday on the slopes like I do every Monday...and hope how I love my Mondays! I was given an added bonus a couple inches of fresh pow pow... With gifts like that how can a person NOT look forward to Mondays!!

Sunday, March 21, 2010

An I.O.U.

I think of the things and places my eyes have seen. The beaches of Australia, the mountains of Montana, the prairies of North Dakota just to name a few. I think of the lives that have touched and changed my life. The laughter I have shared with oh so many. The smiles that have formed acrossed my face. The love that has been given and received. The moments of my life... Where I will go and where I have come from.

Why have I been given so much?? Why has my life been so kind?? Why is it all these amazing people walked into my life. What did I ever do and more importantly how in the world will I ever show such gratefulness and thankfulness. How do I pay back what has been given to me.?? For now its simply an I.O.U. With hopes one day I will be able to give back what has been given to be... Its not just one moment one place nor one person... My entire life I realize is one big I.O.U.

Wednesday, March 17, 2010


Sometimes I find myself wanting to hear your voice. Sometimes I just want to see your face. Sometimes I just want to call you up. Sometimes I just want to meet you for a beer. Sometimes I just want to sit in silence and just listen music or take in the outdoors. Sometimes I think of you and wonder what you are doing. Sometimes I miss you. Sometimes I wonder if you miss or think of me too. Sometimes I wonder if you will ever forgive me. Sometimes I wonder if you will ever let me back into your life. Sometimes remembering is just too much... of recalling what once had been and how time has changed. Sometimes I wonder if our paths will ever cross again. Sometimes I wonder if the phone will ever ring. If I will hear your voice. If I will see your face. If I will meet you for a beer. I wonder if we will ever get pass the mountain that is between us. I have faith that one day we will. Because I just can't imagine a living life with no regrets without you my friend in it.

Monday, March 15, 2010

It's just well... LIFE.

It seems to me that in this small town that I grew up in, that I find so many lives taken from Cancer or just in many times taken all too sooner. Life a constant battle of give and take. And endless game of birth and death. The simple truth is bad things happen to good people for no reason or understanding at all. Its just well, Life. We grasp for reasoning for some bit of understanding even if its just a crumb. But the truth life is full of stories, life stories of people 's journey thru this life. And more thing remains the same thru it all, the cold hard fact is this, we are all going to die. Somehow someway someday.... ALL of us. There is no escaping this. Some of us will live to what seems like the edge of time. Some of us will be taken in the golden years of life. Others before what seems life never really began. Some of us will have a blessed ending where we don't suffer, others will struggle and be in pain. The truth is life has to come to an end sometime. We can't live forever, nor should we. Its the course of how life goes. Its a hard simple fact that for the most part we don't want to accept. Because with dying comes parting ways, someone is leaving and we are force with coming to terms with saying goodbye to that person. So it truly doesn't matter how old they are or might be when that time comes, for goodbyes are never easy... NEVER. Thou the unknown is scary it also forces us to face reality. To realize that life can be taken from us in a single moment, that life can change in a second. So don't live your life in tomorrows when truly all we are guaranteed is today.

Sunday, March 14, 2010

11 years

"Our fingerprints don't fade in the lives we touch."

Its been 11 years. Yet I know he is still with us. 11 years without seeing his smile. 11 years without hearing his voice. 11 years with no advice- guidence- jokes or life stories. 11 years!

I don't think I will ever find a day where I won't think of this man, that I called Mr. Swegarden. I know I will never reach a day where I find myself not grateful not honored not blessed to have been one of oh oh soo many forever changed by having him in my life. I am one of soo soo many who still find the fingerprints he made in my life. His legacy lives on because of the lives he touched refuse to forget the change he made in us and the diffence he made in our lives. We honor him and his life because we carried on. We grew. We became. And I know he would be so pleased that the death of his life here wasn't the death of our life now.

I know he would be just torked at us if we didn't be the person he knew we were capable. I found out this lesson shortly after he left teaching and found that my grades in his class weren't what he thought I was capable of doing. While waiting for his daughter one morning to give her a ride to school, he had me come sit down next to him. and he told me that I can't just be the person I am fully capable and should always be at just certain moments or just for certain people. I have to be that person constantly! Esp when its hard and easier not to. That IS him thou always making sure we are always doing our very best and giving our very best. He wouldn't settle for slackers who were capable of being more.

Thank you Mr Swegarden for always demanding and expecting the very best from me not just in your classroom but more importantly life. Thank you Mr Swegarden for encouraging me, supporting me, believing in me and seeing what I am capable of doing and being and holding me to just that. Thank you Mr Swegarden for your greatest gift in my life... The friendship love and family I have found in your wife, Janelle and daughter, Jami. I realize the blessing, the greatness and importance of having these two gifts in my life. I hope more than anything I have been able to fulfill my promise to you and that I am able to always in the days and years to come.
And I hope that I am always being the person I am capable of being.

I hope you are enjoyin Paradise. We are missing you here!

"There are some who bring a light so great to the world that even after they are gone the light remains."

Thursday, March 11, 2010

Missin AUS

Every once in awhile I will be caught up in a moment. A certain song comes on that sparks a memory. Someone will walk by that reminds me of laugh we shared. Or I hear a joke I want to share with you. I will be meeting someone new and hear their accent and wish it was you instead of them, talking to me. I will recall what seems like a lifetime of memories made in such a short amount of months. I will find myself closing my eyes and wishing that when I open them they would all be in the room.

Oh how I wish to hit the dance floor - sit on a beach down the road - go thru the beer drive thru for a cold pure blonde - to have a laugh... To just be in my aussie mates company.

Its been almost 3 years since I left the land downunder. 3 years since I saw the faces that changed my entire life. 3 years where I meet the mates that would help me find my true self who would help me learn- grow and become this woman I was meant to be (and I am positive I was only able to find her and be her because of these gals). It was a time that I hold tightly too. Its a time that meant the world to me but I hardly speak of to those around me now. Part because it was just me that was there so how could they ever truly get it...but mainly because it was a time that meant so much to me and I found out so much about myself there that I feel its just for me.

I share so much of my life but australia I tend to keep that one to me- only speaking of its memories from time to time or with a simple reference to or a story here and there... Because sometimes places things and people change us so profoundly and have such a deep impact on us it leaves us with NO WORDS... The mates I met and still am in touch with to this day well they know- I talk to them about this and that and they get it miles and miles away. They saw the change they made in my life. They saw the growth while it was happening. And I am so grateful it was downunder and with these mates that I finally found the person I was meant to be... Who would have thought my being was just hanging out 30miles from Melbroune... But there she was.

I don't miss a lot of places and people. And I certainly don't say I miss you unless I surely and truly do! I miss Australia. I miss Alice. I miss Alex. I miss Talita. I miss Binksy. I miss Michaela. I miss Tegs. I miss Coops. I miss EZ. I miss Loz. I miss Jayne and Jan. I miss the Hammonds. I miss my mates. I miss the feeling I got from just being surround by these amazing people.

I am still afraid that if no no when I return I will never want to leave prolli why my parents aren't too highly on my visiting anytime soon ;)... But I promise... I vow... I will be back!!! Til then THANK YOU!! To Aus and to my mates... Who helped me not only find myself but helped me grow into myself. What you all brought into my life... Well there's just not words to say... and thank you doesn't begin to cover it! However know this!!! 3 years later and there's still not a day where I have found myself not thinking of aus or you in some way... Sometimes in small ways others in big ways! And oh how blessed I always feel to have those memories those thoughts those moments!!!

Tuesday, March 9, 2010

Just Be

I tend to live life in the moment. The future isn't something that's constantly on my mind ok ok Mom and Dad its never on my mind. Mainly because I know if I just take care of each moment and live for today that the rest will take care of itself... I plan and think somewhat but this isn't a major thing that keeps me up at night pacing the floors.

Sometimes people don't understand this trait. How I can't be stressed or worried or freaking out about what will be. But the truth is to me at least that if you are happy right now! If you are doing things right in your life now...if you are prepared for this moment then I feel like I will be for future moments as well. And besides why worry about moments that might never be- why miss out on this moment you do have right now for a moment you just may never hold or live.

I know I know its way easier said then done. Yet I have gotten to the point where I don't even realize that I am a in the moment liver. For I can find happiness and joy in every moment that I find myself in without searching. Whether I am skiing-counting money-taking photos-sittin on a bar stool - laughing - crying - hiking - working or playing I am just content to just be where I am at that moment.

And when you live like that- happy to just be... It doesn't matter what the future holds in the moments days weeks and years to come... So what do I plan on... What do I prepare for in the future... Simple... To just be!

Thursday, March 4, 2010

Trust in YOU

Sometimes I wish I had the answers to the questions. Sometimes I wish I held the map of what will be to help guide you. To let you know what to do. What to say. What journey to take. What choices to make.

But the truth is if it came down to me knowing and telling or you finding out on your own and becoming... Without a thought I would choose you finding out and becoming. Sometimes in life we so badly want a fast forward button or we want to flip to the last page of the book to see what will be. Why is it that we hightlight the start and the end. Yet really don't bring much attention to the journey. We are so focused on getting from A to B then to C,D,K,P,X... Think about it our life is highlighted with milestones of chapters starting and ending yet its the journey between the start and finish that gives us the meaning, the lessons, the growth and most of all the becomings.

Change is never easy. Its scary. We find ourselves thinking well too much! We find ourselves stressin out and filled with anixety. Because we want to make sure we are ending things right and choosin the right start the right path to take next. But the truth is... Its not about choosin the right path as it is making whatever path you choose the right path for you! There's no a perfect one or the right one out there. Life isn't about that. Life is about growing learning and becoming and trust me you will always find such things no matter what path you decide to embark on.

And I am confident that life always ends up taking you just to the places and people you belong... I am not sure how it happens but it seems to always succeed.

So I could say go here. Do this. Say that... But if I had the answers which meant you would miss out on the good stuff I would still find myself saying this...this is what I know-this is what I believe in-this is what I trust-this is what I have faith in...YOU.

And with saying I am confident that in that no matter what you will find your way. You will learn. You will grow. You will become. You will find yourself just right where you belong in the company of the people you are meant to share this life with. Think about it... Such things have already happened in your life thus far to prove this! So trust your journey and above all trust in YOU!

Tuesday, March 2, 2010

2 Prince Charmings

He's 91 today. Can you just imagine the things his eyes has seen? Can you begin to understand the changes this life has been to him? He lived thru and served in the World Wars. He lived thru the Great Depression-the Dirty 30's and Black Friday. He knows the true meaning of enduring. Of carrying on. Of sacrfice. Of giving so his family could have. Of love. He is a man that I have never heard raise his voice in anger. A man that only put a gentle loving hand on me. A man that always takes the time to let me know I mattered. That he is proud that I am his grand daughter. He is a man that carries his heart on his sleeve with love and pride for his family. He is a man still in love with my grandmother even thou she is no longer with us... I know she still carrys his heart with her. He is a man you swear has a smile that truly covers and lights up his whole face when he sees you. A man that will have tears in his eyes when he says I love you... Because he soo very means those words. He is a man that is soo grateful to simply be here...NOW. A man that inspires me everyday to just live in the moment. Life is so simple in his eyes. He has always been just happy to be as far back as I can remember. I know part of my free spirit and most of my simple ways of living comes from him.

He is a man that doesn't talk his example. He simple lives which provides us with the lessons in this life in more detail than words could ever describe. He is a man I am grateful and honored to call Gramps.

We all know that little girls give their hearts and love to their dads. Well I was that girl too but I remember dancing with my grandfather when I was dressed in a pink flowergirl dress...and I remembering thinking I had two price charmings in my life. For Gramps has always had just as much as my heart as my father has...and the truth is he always will. I love you, Gramps.

So thank you gramps for all the movie nights and popcorn (and even letting me add a bit more butter and salt than I was suppose to have) for all the games and playing in your backyard and basement. For all the rides in the blue van and station wagon (where I always got to sit on the arm rest just next to you) for all the candy and gum that was suppose go in the quarter machines. For teaching and showing me how to feed the birds. For all the games you took in. For all the things you have done big or small...they were always filled with your love. And they always made me feel so special to just be...your grand daughter and most of all to just be me!

Happy Birthday Gramps!