Friday, September 26, 2008

falling into Fall

Its that time of the year where we pull out the sweaters and spiced pumkin candles. Its that time of year where our suorroundings are changing just as the leaves are turning and then soon to be falling. How could you not love this time of year??

Its my favorite season. My favorite time to be outside. I love everything that comes with this season the slightly cool temps and ever so often crisp wind which is perfect sweater weather. I love the natural colors the browns creams and tans that so many wear that make the orange red and yellow leaves just pop. I love the way the green grass and the blue sky seem to make the fall trees look like something that crazy guy with the big hair that you catch from time to time on pbs painted. Its picture perfect all around. It is the time I enjoy the most to get lost behind the lens of my camera.

For this fall season I hope you find yourself falling into fall! Go for walks alone or with that special someone. Stomp in the leaves and pick so up and throw them into the air. Remember what it was like when you were little raking the leaves just so you can jump into them. Who says there's an age where you are too old to do that? Take in a football or soccer game. Do anything that brings you simple joy and happiness outdoors. Life is about enjoyin it! So get your butt off the couch, don't sleep the day away, stop being lazy and get outside.

Its time to love this life each and everyday and every season! For you only have this life once and it could be gone at any second. Happy Fall!

Saturday, September 20, 2008

Lost in the moment...

I have been to my share of weddings in fact I have been to so many I might even be an expect with anything regarding a wedding but trust me... I will never give out my thoughts and advice to anyone and get paid for it. I do however know what I would and wouldn't do when and if it came to my day in white..I know this much it won't be anything like the last hundreds of weddings I have been to in my lifetime nor will it be like any of the ones to come.

Even thou I have been to so many I still never get tired of capturing that special day for two people who are beginning their journey together. Its an honor that I still think and believe I don't deserve and one I will always feel grateful to have no matter how many weddings I may do. For I know and realize the importance of capturing that moment of life for that bride and groom.

Everyone has their favorite part of the wedding day some its when the bride is escorted by her father, others its watching the groom as his bride walks towards him, some its the end when they can start drinking, some its the toasts, some its the first dance, some don't have a favorite part at all--they have to be there, some the PARTY!!...and so on...

What is mine?? I have two really the first well I haven't seen a lot of couples do since most are watching and listening when the vocalists are singing some meaningful song about love. But every once and a while you will find a bride and groom comletely lost in the moment, in a world that only has him and her. Its that look the way they look at each other and so softly touch each other. The way they make it seem that holding this person's hand is like holding the world in the palm of their hands... That tend smile he gives her and the way her smile reflects in his eyes. That moment is hard to explain for no words can ever do it justice its like trying to find the words to describe a sunset or what its like to be in a moment when you realize you are in a moment of pure and utter happiness...there just aren't any words... that I find to be one of my favorite moments to witness and capture in a photograph.

My other favorite moment is when the bride and groom walk hand in hand after they are pronounced husband and wife. The smiles on their faces as they not only look at each other but also the look they give to the family and friends that fill the chruch to witness and celebrate the joining of two lives. Is a sight that moves me.

That look is filled with hope faith and love...its the closest thing I have found that compares to the eyes of children for it holds innocences... For that moment even thou it lasts only a matter of seconds holds the beginning of having the future in your grasps and holding in your hand your dreams come true.

For that moment you see only the best of what will be! A future full of love, happiness, and success. The picture perfect life of a white picket fence and wrap around porch on a corner lot. A house filled with kids and the journey of growing old together. Its a life that isn't robbed of happiness... its a life that is perfect. The kind of life we dream of having before pain...hurt... sorrow... loss... change and fear set in. The kind of life that has no bad days or tears. The kind of life that is granted every wish prayer and dream. Where you only grow together and never apart and you live forever.

That look that the bride and groom give and that smile that grins on their faces I know only lasts so long but its what I wish for...and I know it will sound crazy but not myself...its the life I wish and dream for my parents, for my brothers, for my sister, for my friends and mates...who are married and yet to be or maybe will never be. For my cousins, for my family, for my punks. For all those I am blessed to have in my life. I want the ones that I love and who make my world give that look to someone and more importantly I want someone to give that look back to them. I want to see that smile that grins from ear to ear. I want the ones I love to feel what its like to be lost in that moment. What it feels like to be holding the world in their hands. What its like to see a future filled with so much faith hope and love. I want those moments for them and to see them ready to burst with love and beaming with happiness. I want them to have a peferct day where the only future they will ever see and have is one filled with everything they ever dreamed of and MORE....And I would feel honored to capture that moment that they can have it for the rest of their lives...something to hold and look back on during life's storms. Something to remind them the blessing they found and have in their lives. So they could have that moment that day to help them get thru all the rough spots all the tears, the loss, the change, the bad days that life throws at us from time to time. Something to look at and know that life isn't always an up hill battle, that life does grant days of sunshine and happiness.

Those are my favorite moments during a day that is filled with simple moments of love and happiness to many too count....and every once and awhile you will find a couple that give you those moments each and every time they look at each other....Those moments are unmeasurable, undescribable, just plain unbelieveable... even if you don't know the couple and its even more powerful when you do. So the next time you are at a the bride and groom and look for that "lost in the moment" look I am talking about...its pretty moving thing to witness.

Thursday, September 18, 2008

So long Oxbow

As I sit in a golf cart on a perfect Friday morning watching Jess, Amy, Tricky Dick and my brother golf I am reminded just how much I will miss this place. Oxbow Country Club has been a place where I was everyone's favorite least whenever I was driving the beer cart.

When I first stared working here I never would have thought I would have so much fun and meet so many amazing people and find a couple of friends who I know will be part of my journey friends meaning they will always be with me as I travel thru this life. Because of these people my co-workers and the members out at oxbow working out here never seemed like work to me. For I had such a blast being out on the course and being in the clubhouse.

Thou there were my days of dreading it and even moments where I couldn't take another moment serving or working with so and so--just like everyone has at one point or another. I still find myself very grateful for what this job what this time what oxbow has given me for thou it paid extremely well I walked away with more than money in fact what I walked away with is something that is priceless and no amount of money could ever come close to buying. For it lies in the memories, the friendships lessons and experiences I was granted during my time at Oxbow.

I didn't realize just how much I was going to miss this place until yesterday during my last day of was found in the smiles the laughs the hugs and in the amazing kind words people said to me. I always hoped I was more than just some girl who served beer out at Oxbow and yesterday I did in fact believed that I was more.

My thanks to ALL of you who made Oxbow more than just a job. Those who made me feel like I belonged and made me feel more than just someone who was there to serve. For I know I was changed for the better from my time here at Oxbow and I became more for knowing all of you!

Tuesday, September 16, 2008

I know- I finally see it...the time is now.

The seasons are changing...summer is fading as the leaves turn and corn & wheat are harvested...CHANGE...its outside now as well as stirring in my soul....

When does the time come where we must realize that our surroundings can be more? That we are capable of more? This summer I have been avoidin looking myself in the mirror because I don't like to stare that image back that reflects for me to see for I see failure, I see mistakes, I see regrets, I see mess ups-screw ups and falling without even the slightest attempt to pick myself up and try again...I have stopped trying all together. I look at that person and I don't even know her...I have allowed darkness to creep further and further into my soul and let negative empower positive. I have grown into someone that I am not proud of and even worse someone I am not proud to be around others. Someone filled with tempers, anger, and complaints. I understand people have high standards for people that they love...maybe they are to high for me to full fill...maybe I am setting myself up for failure...maybe the problem is..ME...the standards I set for myself are impossible to reach...maybe I over shot it all because of my stubborness of not settling...of not wanting or having or even giving the "so call" normal lifestyle a chance. I know that I am not above or beyond that and the truth is there are days that I want just that...but when it comes down too it...the dreams may be there but the reality never is...its in my gut...its in my being...its in my soul...its deep thoughts that started out as a whisper but now speaks loud and clear everytime I try to picture...its not in your cards...its not a pity party or depressing thoughts of a life I will never have...its me being honest with me..

...and I have to realize I can't sit around and wait for a life to chose me, for a man to chose me, for a job to chose me, for a path-journey to chose me...something in a huge way I have been doin since I graduated...I have been waiting...waiting...waiting..waiting...what am I waiting for. I miss that reflection in the mirror of a girl with a sparkle in her eye, with the attitude that she could change it all-change this world by just being apart of it and living it. I miss that girl who thought she made a difference, that she had a purpose and a reason...and there was meaning behind it all why she took so darn long to embark, travel and finish. I miss that girl that carried with her the faith, belief and hope that she had greatness in her. The girl that never doubted, never second guessed, never thought any of it was impossible, unreachable, or just straight up crazy. The girl that only truly listened to her voice, who only followed herself. Where did that person go?? Do we all lose a part of that person as time goes by? Are we changed slowly over time due to sorrow, pain, hurt, failure or just change itself? Are we forced into a different person because of the fact that we had dreams and visions of our lives that never were? And if so how do we get it back?

I think of my teachers, and still like back then I thought the world of them and of what they thought of me...I wonder what they would say of the Michelle Goldmann at age 27? What one certain man would say to me, what his advice would be for me, his life lessons he would tell me to help me at this stage of my life. What his stories would be for me to relate to and make me feel like I am not the only person--that I am not crazy. Would he be proud of me or let down? I think of what one of my teachers wrote..."You got so much-use it wisely." Was she just being nice? Did she really mean it? Whatever ever it was...I took that 7 word sentence and buckled it to my soul...have I used it wisely? did I waste it? is it still there? What would she say to me right now? A past and present filled with some many people who I admire-respect-love--teachers, co-workers-friends-family-student/athletes--so many who have supported, encouraged, inspired, understood and believed in me...and thats when I have the hardest part lookin at that person in the mirror--and thats also my biggest motivator--the loudest voice screammin at me to make a change--to get back on track--to take a hold of my life--to do something with my life--to just pick a darn path already and do grow to become a person I will stare back and smile at. A person that I am proud to be, a person who believes in herself, a person who is positive about being her and the life she leads and lives.

Well now that I faced that demon which I have been carryin with me for sometime...its time to stop talking about life...and actually live it...its time to stop talking about what I am goin to do and actually do something...its journeys...they suck to start and suck to end...just like sucks...for if it wasn't anything other than being sucky at first...everyone would go seek out change...count me as the moron that is seeking it out...time will tell where it leads me and takes me.

Monday, September 15, 2008

Life is a highway

Today while driving the highway while goin above the speed limit I found myself slammin on my breaks and in a semi-traffic jam out in the middle of nowhere my speed was dropped from over 75 down to almost 40 and forced into a one lane flow of traffic I couldn't figure out what the hold up was until cars on the left lane cleared to the right. And there driving in the fast lane of traffic rode a lady in her late 70's driving with the top down and just loving life. She didn't care where she was going or how long it would take for her to get there traveling at the speed she was going. She wasn't bothered by the fact of her driving was coz others to develop a sudden case of road rage ... She didn't care at all she had no worries in that moment with her gray hair blowin in the wind supportin the jackie o shades and rockin out to the tunes that I am sure were blastin out of her speakers she was living the dream loving the moment life gave her to do with what she wanted... And the way she wanted to spend that moment was to savor it and make it last for more than just a moment.

I will never meet her. I will never know her name nor will I find out where she was traveling but her view on life was as clear as her speed of driving. And she made me think about life and the life I live and the speed I choose to live it at. She taught me an important lesson only because I choose to slow down with her and smile and not to be like the drivers in front and behind me who were filled with complete road rage. They missed out on a special lesson and more importantly they were consumed by the ME and I and looked passed the fact that she wasn't in a hurry to arrive at the destination she was all about the journey she was taking to get there. Fun life is like a highway you are on it to go somewhere but sometimes we get wrapped up with where we are going and when we are going to get there we go too fast and miss some pretty amazing places events and people who we can learn grow change and become more of who we are meant to be if we allow them the chance to be in our lives. If we are willing to take the top down and slow our speed and keep our eyes open and carry an attitude with ourselves that allows us to see it. For I could have just as easily been one of those drivers filled with road rage today but instead I am filled with happiness. I hope that lady is driving across the country and LOVINGthisLIFE!! Every second of it

Sunday, September 14, 2008

I get it

Sometimes it takes goin to a soccer game of a little boy to confrim something u alreay knew or going to an office and reading a poster that speaks to you in a way that moves you to the point of tears. These are everyday routines and the normans of someone that I am grateful to have in my life. And the best part of takin in what her everyday world contains is the fact that it does matter and does make a difference in the lives of those she touches whether she may know it or not it does and always will. Her giving of her time understanding knowledge love friendship and self makes all the difference in the world even if she may think differently sitting in a pop up tent in the rain givin info on services that may save a persons life someday without even knowing or giving up her summers to be at an all girls camp where I know she makes a huge impact and difference in all those girls lives.

She makes a differnce in this world and will only cont to keep doing so and expanding the lives she can reach touch and change. These everday routines these people that surround her world give meaning and purpose to her world in a way only such events places and people that she has in her life can.Always know and never never forget that or take that for granted. And most importantly take your being for granted or what you have to offer and give to this world. It is rare it is priceless it is special and only you can give it. It matters! You matter! In more lives than just mine or so and so. In lives you don't even know or think you reach and touch.---I GET IT---

We all can take lessons away from those we love and be proud of the fact that their lives mean more than just what they mean to our worlds.and we must all come to know and believe that ourselves that our lives do in fact matter and make a difference!

Saturday, September 13, 2008

why not

Have you ever stop and really looked at your life I tend to do this alot when it comes to me looking thru my photos. I will stare at a photo taken when I was 3 of my grandfather and me the other day and I just thought of what my life would have encompassed if I was granted a life with him in it all these years. I look at photos of family and friends present, far away, way back then, and those who are now gone and I try to engrave in my mind the sound of their voices and draw their smiles in my thoughts for me to have with me always. For I have come to realize that life can change in one single moment. Its almost overwhelming to think of it in such a way but yet I force myself to... just a few seconds ago I was visiting a site on line that is in memory of a soul that was taken much much too soon. But yet in a way she lived a life that was so full and pure in a way in my 27 years I have yet to do. I look at her pictures, I look at pictures of her and just study them...and the what if's overcome me. to this day I still can't believe she is not walkin this earth. I think of my mentor and teacher and think of the life he would have had if cancer didn't take him from us. I think of too many friends that were taken before I even could truly comprehend what death really was. I think of mom and dads, brothers, sisters, grandparents and best friends that one day had their world and with one life taken from it --it all changed.

I look at my dad, my mom, my brothers, my best friend & sister, my friends, my family, my athletes, the people that make my world and I am so grateful and feel blessed to the core of my soul because I have them and that I can still take their photo, I can still capture simple happiness with them. For I know their are many who would give anything to take one more photo with their best friend. What they would give to take in a game and have a beer with their brother. What they would give to take their daughter or son off to college. what they would give to text a friend a joke or call them to tell them a fun story or to talk about really nothing at all. I hope I never find myself taking those simple moments with people that I love ever for granted. For I know those moments seem endless and at times really not that special for they are just soo normal to have...yet I know there isn't an endless supply of them...So why waste them being filled with anger, why waste them sleeping or being alone, why not go out of your way for them, why not take ten minutes to get down on the hands and knees and play with a kid that loves you and all they want is for you to play with them, why not drive 5 hours to see someone that you haven't hung with in ages, why not enjoy simple life moments and realize that blessings of just being in that moment....Why not love this life....why not why not why not...For moments don't last forever...and don't wait for them to be gone to realize things that we always should have known and have been grateful for..why not tell that person or the people in your life just how much they mean to your world now and not wait for them to be taken from it for you to realize...WHY NOT...the time is NOW.