Monday, June 22, 2009

Spending my time

I have been struggling with the fact that my life almost has too much in it. I want to down size. I want to donate. I want to give. Its so easy to spend here. To buy... to over buy. I think of the things that I have in my life. And I am grateful for them but yet I can't help but think... do I really need all of this... STUFF... because in the end... its just stuff and I can't take any of it with me when I leave. I know I am way better now than what I have been in the past. But there are still times were I find myself wanting to buy... and I simply now say to myself... do you really need it? And if I do... why? Do I need two pairs or 6 pairs of brown shoes just because they are cute. When really all one needs is just a pair? Do I really need a new top when I have 7 hanging in the closet? Do I really need to go out to eat tonight if I can grill the chicken I have in the freezer? Do I really need to go here or there just because I have the day off when I can just be at home and get things done? Do I really need... When truly its not need I am thinking at first but want. I have also come up with something to hopefully downsize my life and lead a more simple one. For everything that I do end up buying I must part with something. Instead of buying when I can rent or buy used. I am trying to find ways that I can simplify my life in other ways as well. Because like I said... you can't take anything in this life with you when you go unless its a memory or a feeling. The rest... a lifetime of spending... stays behind.

So today starts the day where I spend... not money but time... loving, giving, helping. Where I spend my time trying and hoping to make a real difference and a lasting impact. Today I pray starts the day where I spend my time the right way. I have spoiled myself and my life too much. Spoiled myself with too many wants and not enough needs. Its time I start spending my time on needs in this life and not wants.

Sunday, June 21, 2009

Firefly Lane

I was never much of a reader. But lately I have found that if I find just the right book... I can't seem to put it down. My latest finish is a book by Kristin Hannah Firefly Lane. Not only I am I not much of a reader. I am also not much of a crier, it takes a lot for me to shed more than a tear or have watery eyes. When I finished this book, well actually even before that, I found myself in numerous parts of the book completely losing it. Like sob crying here, I am talking about. The author has a gift of words and sharing a story so deep and touching that you find yourself relating your friendship in your very own life too.

Thou the journey Tully and Kate embark on is completely different from the one I share with my person, the theme remains the same... friendship-sisterhood and love. Most who know me, know who my person is, a punk that goes by the name of Jami. Our story began before I even knew where it truly started. Our lives are melted into one to the point when I look back, I just see her. She knows my full past. In all the times that seem to be never ending still... where I was finding myself - growing into myself and becoming myself -- into this never fully reaching person that I am meant to be ... she has seemed to know this person and see this person fully and completely all along. With her there is no fooling. For she knows my laughs- my smiles- even my looks. She can read me like a book even when I think I am pulling a fast one on her, she knows. She is one of the rare beings that I can sit in complete silence and our hearts just know what our voices can't speak. We have gone great distances from each other and have spent much time apart, yet that doesn't seem to matter at all.

For I found that it doens't matter if she is standing next to me or half way across the nation or even the world. She seems to be always right by my side. She knows the real me, the one thats left when she is striped of her bubblyness, giggles, laughter, rowdiness, OC, traits. When I am left to bare my naked soul. When I have no smile across my face from time to time. When I have no guards or walls. When I am just me and real. She doesn't turn her back and better yet she encourages me to be imperfect. She encourages me to be just ME. When I find myself at my life ropes' end, she's the one that I hang onto. She's the one holding onto me. She's the one that supports and believes. For even the most positive, up beat person wants to give in from time to time. No one truly understands our story, our relationship. No one seems to get it, but her and me. And that's okay, no one else needs to. Because all I fully ever need to know is that she's always there for me... forever! And all she needs to know is that I am there for her forever! The rest... well it just somehow makes sense. For without her I don't know who I am, better yet with her, I KNOW just who I am! I am so very blessed to call such an amazing being my friend. I am so very grateful to call this woman my sister. For in the end, she makes me make sense. And that kind of friendship. That kind of sisterhood. That kind of love... well its worth everything.

Thursday, June 18, 2009

Welcome Carter Essler

Early this morning my friends Jared and Kinsey-Coles Essler welcomed their first child into this world weighing 8lbs 6oz and 21 inches long....Carter Michael Essler. I look forwarding to meeting you and holding you and of course blinding you with my flash. Congrats Kins and J-Rod!!! Sending my love and happiness to the three of you from across the miles. Life has taken on a new meaning for you and I know that you will both be amazing parents and Carter will grow up loved and well taken care of!

Wednesday, June 17, 2009

Beyond Myself

"To go beyond yourself, you have to know yourself."

When I read this, I realize thats one of the best things you can do in this life... is to know yourself ... to truly know yourself. Because only when you know yourself, can you go beyond yourself. You can venture off, you can wonder, you can achieve more, because you know what you are capable of reaching. When you find the belief in yourself I am confident in saying that the world is truly yours. For when you believe in yourself, you find that you are willing to push pass the limits and borders that at times contain us and put a glass ceiling on what we can truly reach, touch and hold.

In these past years that's what I have been doing, getting to know myself. Truly knowing myself, not just the positive aspects but the negative ones as well. I am learning the sunshine and the darkness of who I am.... with hopes that with that knowledge I can go beyond myself someday. That I will push thru boundaries and limits. That someday I will hold and know true achievement and success. That someday I will find myself in places I never even dreamed of being in...yet because I took the time to know myself I could in the end go beyond myself.

Tuesday, June 16, 2009


Do you ever wonder what this life is really all about.... what's the point of things that happen in our lives... where we are at.... who we are with... what we are doing-feeling and seeing.... Whats the meaning of all of it.... of every second every breath every beat of our hearts... every moment.... Well I am not a person with a vast knowledge of the true meaning of life... I am not a budda of happiness... nor can I speak in tongues to translate the hidden means of ancient scriptures BUT... if I were to speak my mind and not be judged or be told I was wrong or even right... I would say the point of all of this... every second we walk this earth... every breath we fill our lungs... every beat of our hearts... every moment... every smile... every tear... every single moment of happiness and sorrow... Is us.... "LEARNiN' to LiVE." For us to truly understand the meaning of truly living... for us to understand whats truly important. For the what comes next... thats when LiFE ... begins... when we truly LiVE. So the point of this LiFE... right now... is to LEARN.

In this LiFE... On this earth millions of people are LEARNiN' to LiVE... All in different ways... Yet not one is truly right nor is it truly wrong. Some are living freely-some are hanging on with everything they have. Some are living in stone house while others live in huts. Some are wearing lucky jeans and carrying a coach purse while some are wearing turbans and simple cloth. Some have a million to spend while others don't have two dimes. Some wear rings and answer to mom and dad. Some work Some wonder. Some laugh Some cry. Some have it all together. Some have not a clue. For we all learn differently... which means we all live differently. Yet something ties us all together.... We all are in the same quest.... LEARNiN' to LiVE.

Wednesday, June 10, 2009

Makin' a Million

There's nothing better to me than the feeling of being content. Of knowing that to some you may not have it all...but they are just fools...because to you...your life holds the world....your WORLD. My life doesn't contain the things that so many others have...and my goals in life well aren't based around those things either. I am here to make a million...but its not in the way that you think...for how many of you thought dollars?? Well I am here to smile a million laugh a million laughs... to have a million moments in my life where I say...this is MY LIFE...where I think to myself...I got all I need! Where I find myself filled with happiness....I pray to have a million moments where I find myself saying...THANK YOU...whether it be to someone or just looking up to the sky being so grateful for what has been given to me in this this life...I hope to find a Million reasons to LOVE this LIFE...more than that...I hope to see a million smiles and hear a million laughs from the people who are in my life....from my family...from my friends...and yes even from strangers. I WILL make a MILLION...its just never in the way many hope to make. Every inch of me...knows the kind of million that I am after to make...that even money can't buy what I will recieve from making such a Million.

Everyone's life is different...some are after the perfect house, the brand name closests, the newest model of Ford and a job at the top of the ladder. They work a job they pretty much hate but loves the 2 weeks of paid vacation it gives them. I am not after a job that gives me only 2 weeks of happiness a year. I am after a life that I love to live each and every day. I am after a life that finds me smiling and and loving...and YES there are such jobs. I am hoping that where this life takes finds me giving more than I ever take. I hope it finds me surrounded with smiles and the echo of laughter. I hope that my life can make a lasting impact and difference on the lives of those who come in and out of my world....not just a select fews' lives...for in order to make my million...i can't let even just one walk away without doing just that...

Am I living the simple better darn well believe it....because if you haven't learned by now...Life is ALL about SIMPLE...simple moments that mean EVERYTHING...Simple happiness...Simple means MORE...Money can't buy Simple...My goal is to live my everyday life in the same matter that most pay big bucks to sit on abandoned beaches or travel through a foreign countries to be able to feel-touch and see peace...happiness...They fork over money to finally realize what life is all about...I HOPE to be able to see and do just that no matter where I am in this matter where I am working or what view my eyes are taking in...without spending a penny...I am determinded to make my MILLION before I am called home...and I pray I have enough time...because oh how great of a feeling would it be to say...I MADE A MILLION!!! And the best part of saying knowing I can take it ALL with me when I go!!!

Monday, June 8, 2009


To live well in Italian.... VINES BENE...Just might be the one thing I have needed to hear. Just might be the true secret of living. Just might be all of my endless questions answered. Just might be what life is all about. Just may be my life's ultimate goal and life's quest. VINES BENE...

It holds so much meaning...and yet its a meaning different for each and every one of us. YOU and ME get to define what VINES BENE means to you...means to me...For ONLY YOU...ONLY ME knows what it is to fulfill a life that is lived well. WE are the only ones who know what brings us happiness...what makes us laugh...what makes us smile...what makes us value a moment...a day...a life. WE are the only ones that can breath in life and realize in that moment that we are content... that we are at peace... that we are fulfilled. VINES BENE...

This past year I spent so much time thinking and trying to find a life that it seems I am the one that doesn't want. I have let others' thoughts over power my own. I have let someone else define what VINES BENE means to me...and what I must do to live such a life. Do I need to make changes... Do I need to make some choices and decisions... Do I need to do some true soul searching and ask myself some truly hard questions regarding what to do with my life... YES... But I refuse to let anyone but myself answer those questions. I refuse to let someone else's voice and thoughts out weigh my own. Above all I refuse to be labled and placed in a box that reads normal when never in my life have I been such a thing. I know my change is close... real close... That my life will change when the season of Summer fades into Fall. And I will be ready to live well. On my terms.

Thank you Bridgette...and Thank you Casey... VINES BENE was found through you. It was a wake up call for me. Something I NEED to read and more importantly truly think about and ponder deeply about.

Saturday, June 6, 2009

These People

Its always nice to see people special people from your past that help lay the solid foundation that you build your character and the type of person you are from....its these people that seem to have always been apart of your life. Its these people I always hold so much graditude and respect for...these people who I feel I owe so much too because they brought so much into my life...these people who have taught me so much...these people who lead by their actions more than their words. I will always have time and take the time to sit with these people. I will always voice my thanks and do my best to let them know how much I am grateful for having them simply in my life.

I am just who I was always meant to be...because of these people. Thank you!

Friday, June 5, 2009


Its a great feeling when you realize that everything you really need and even better want you already have...more than ever I am finding that my life is blessed and filled with the simple things that give me the world. That bring me endless smiles and laughter.

I was driving the golf cart on a lazy summer day with the wind blowing and the sun gazing....could life get any better? Those are the moments where I find myself taking a deep breath...and I let life fill my lungs and engulf myself in a simple moment. Praying and hoping that that feeling will last more than just a moment and more than anything I pray that I never never take such moments...that I never take the simple things that life brings to my life for granted...not now...not ever!