Saturday, February 28, 2009

Did you you do

DiD u KnOw---

I am a firm believer that I have sea salt running thru my veins...because thats how much I am in love with the Coast, the Ocean or anything relating to those two things...I remember seeing my first lighthouse...and all I said was...I am so excited I think I am goin to pee my pants...I made my brother and sister-in-law wander around that lighthouse for over an hour while other people came and went under 5 mins...I could have stayed there forever.

I hate feet and esp having my feet touched by anyone besides me.

I have two very meaningful tattoos. One I got in Aus of the Southern Cross- a star system you can only see in the Aussie night sky or on their flag. And an orange daisy with an abstract peace symbol as a leaf and the saying love this life for its stem. They are in well covered up places on my hips and they stand for two very important reminders!

My favorite drink ever is milk followed by ginger ale(has to be canada dry thou).

I have been know to stand downwind from the gas pump because I LOVE the smell of gasoline.

One day I will own and sail my own sailboat.

I have a slight problem with garlic bread, if given the chance I would eat loaf after loaf of it...I love it.

I love being tanned yet HATE tanning...just laying there...BORES me.

My new thing right now is eating oatmeal....I think this is a sign of aging.

I don't like sweets, chocolate or candy...I am one of those people who when they buy candy like starburst or skittles...I only eat certain colors and give or throw away the rest. When it comes to cookies I usually need about 3 glasses of milk for one cookie...and I might be the only girl on the planet who gets sick from eating chocolate..and its not from over eating either.

I am one of those people who drink way more than they eat...this is the one reason I tend to stay away from boozed when I am eating...I would be flying high before I get up from the table.

One of my favorite memories ever happened on a house boat in northern minnesota with my cousins and Uncle Jimmy.

I remember the day my cousin (godchild) Madysen was born and being in Ms Oihus room and being told by her (so not something she would EVER do by the way!) That it was a girl. I remember holding her in my sophmore arms for the very first time and ever since then she has clung onto my heart.

I remember watching and hating Barney with Brittaney all the time...I acted like a complete goon around her when she was little...Paul, Jacorian and I have never ever treated her like a cousin from day one her and Mady have been sisters to us.

I am know to laugh most of the time my very hardest at moments when I so so shouldn't be.

I am a full forced active computer nerd.

I have gotten in more trouble hanging out with a punk 6 years younger than with anyone else ever...Jami

I live over 4000 ft above sea level on Big ears pop when I come home...I love it.

I am often caught by roommate watching the history channel...she shakes her head and says figures you would be the person who is watching that.

I didn't ride my bike for ages after I flew over the handlebars and had bruises up and down the length of my body and my childhood best friend's dad carried me home.

I wasn't suppose to reach my 1st birth. I am now 28.

My college room I decided out of all the colors to paint it pink.

Becky and I bought a charlie brown xmas tree from a chubby boy scout for ten dollars then shoved it in my trunk and tied it down with an extension cord still one of my favorite pictures of my and in the front seat her in the back with the cord and the tree stickin out the trunk.

I loved spendin my college years in Fargo...GO BISON!!

I worked at the campus bookstore at NDSU through out my entire undergrad and grad years at North Dakota State...I am still the longest student employee they ever had..what can I say I loved that place!

I not only traveled to Australia and lived... where I didn't know a single soul I also went on a two week trip up and down the Coast of Australia alone...and to this very day I remember and love every single second of it...because of that experience I have found that my fear of traveling alone or being homesick from now on in life...I have completely and utterly overcome due to my time Downunder.

If you were to look at the files reported with the Moorhead, MN Police Department for would find one that says Michelle Kay Goldmann reported taken against her will..yup thats right for 6 hours the Moorhead Police was in search for me...and no I was never missing or kidnapped...complete misunderstanding.

I only woke up to the Police standing in my hallway of my apartment after my roommate let them in...they were there in response to what they thought was a domestic dispute 911 call...once I opened the door 3 officers flew into my room thinkining I was being held against my will...after much talking we found that my forgien roommate(for the summer) Sema had called 911 a couple of times and kept hanging up an action that is common with domestic disputes I guess..still one of the craziest things that has ever happen to me.

Becky and I never had a rolling pin to make cookies so we instead used a smoking loon wine bottle.

I love spending my summers with my cousins...Travis, Jill,, Sabrina, Sadey and so to be one more...I have a blast hanging out with them.

There are only a hand full of people that can get me to "really" talk on the phone...I love to rush people off the phone...because I hate talking on it...but with these select few I am a chatter box.

I found the best leather couch set in a free newspaper in Whitefish...hands down worth at least 3,000 now two years old...It was sold to me for 600...can you say DEAL!

Becky and I were known to hit up walmart at 2 am many times to play with toys, play the piano, try on clothes we would never buy and then of course the xmas adventure of buying only and all xmas things--we so didn't need.

I collect sand from all over the world.

I am in contact with every single athlete I coached at West Fargo High...I am very proud of this...and I know I will be for the rest of my life...These girls mean the world to me.

My closet is color organized all hung the same way and folded just perfect...its perfect

I am one of those people who put something in a special place because I don't want to lose it...and guess what...I can NEVER find it!

When I get stressed out or bummed out I fall back into old habbits of biting off all my nails...something it took me ages to break...yet still every once and awhile I will look at my hands and say to yup that effect you more than you thought it did.

I crack my knuckles all the time...and love it

When I was a freshman in college living in the upper classmen dorms I was so embrassed of being homesick I use to go outside sit in my car and cry...this memory still cracks me up.

My dad drove over my favorite pair of eye glasses ever with our one ton truck out hunting, I was crushed.

In high school I was known to be the gum dealer. I always had plenty of it and was willing to share.

I use to drive a 4 door one ton truck...and often had the entire basketball team or volleyball team with me in it.

I remember getting my first speeding ticket and had to call home and tell my mom said michelle what was the very last thing I told you?! I replied back--i love you!? NO don't get a speeding ticket...I replied back I think it should have been I love you.

My brother Paul still has nightmares of the very first time I was allowed to drive while out hunting. My dad made him sit in front while him and Jacorian sat in the back and laughed.

My experiences and stories tend to be the source of laughter as my brothers love to tell michelle stories..I usually get embrassed and laugh right along with them.

I have found it to be impossible to stay mad at my brothers even when they piss me off they still can force me to laugh and I highly try not to trust me.

My favorite trip ever has been the ones I have taken with my favorite brother Jacorian not sure if he would agree or not--36 hours on a train to portland, driving to rapid city, endless road trips to and from beulah to fargo.I love them!!

I love sending cards to people for no reason...I also love hallmark and have more than a few times spent over an hour reading cards!

I tend to always have dry humor esp at moments of total just flies out of my mouth.

I love giving people I care about a hard time its something that was passed down to me from my father.

I tend to be parents' favorite and I have yet to figure out the why behind this.

My dream is to live on the coast in a woren down beaten up house filled with character with a stained gray deck and a house that smells of the ocean salt.

I am the kind of person that given the chance I will take up the entire bed but if I am having to share I will not move all night.

When I can't sleep at night I turn on espn...and it always puts me to sleep...why because that's what I heard every single night growing up while I fell brothers always had it on.

My father always brought home the craziest of animals for us as pets...turtles, snakes, squrriels,ducks, birds, crayfish and then one day after all of that a dog...I guess this was his way of preparing us.

More than anything I want to go skydiving...solo style!

I have books and books full of quotes and poems I have written down over the years...I can never get enough of them.

I am one of those people who buys candles and never burns them.

Our family use to drink 2% milk and after my grandfather had heart problems and was advised to switch to skim or fat free milk...our family went with the change too...upon finding out this...I cried and cried...fearing milk would never taste the same again...this is how much I love MILK.

My mom was the one always playing sports with my brothers and I...yet she was the headcheerleader in school...she so does not throw hit shoot or catch like a cheerleader.

Friday, February 27, 2009

You are one of those "special ones."

So today might have been the BEST SNOW DAY on Big Mountain...and where was I??? oh yes Whitefish High teaching...did I want to be there? um thats a big NO...but there I was anyway...and by days end I was glad I spent the day there...I am what you call a slow learner...I am someone that doesn't see what is usually right in front of usually ends up having to slap me across the face for me to see it...well I still find the humor in it...and prolli always will...

Teaching and coaching...well I am meant to do it...I have realized this while spending time with a bunch of Fish Punks...Don't get me wrong I remember that feeling during my days at West Fargo High...and the meaning and purpose all those goons and punks brought into my life...but well I ventured away from that for am still tryin to figure that out...I will go with learning life lessons so I can apply them to teaching and coaching...Also everyone in their dog told me thats what I had to do or something along those lines...and well I don't do so well with being told no this is what you are suppose to do...I feel like its something I should be able to be granted to figure out....and this is something I have been hearing since way back in high school...and of course I was out to prove them wrong...well turns out the jokes and I do mean JOKES (because it took me so long) is on me...and yes I am laughing and smiling and willing to admit that you were right.

I have no idea if the scar on my forehead is really a labeling sticker that means teacher/coach so everyone that see it...knows yup teacher/coach...and I am the only one left in the dark because I can't translate the does everyone see me that simple and that clear?? Am I not seeing something?? I know I have a connection with students but then again I also see it with some many others...what makes mine so much more see-able?

Well whatever it is...I have realized how much teaching and coaching brings into my much direction and meaning it gives me...and above all purpose...esp being single...I can't tell you how full filled I feel when I am in that classroom...a classroom that is not even mine...with students I don't even know...basically in a way doing a job any joe or sally could do if you pulled them off the streets...I don't get it either...but every fiber in my body screams to me...this is where you belong...this is where your journey is wanting to take you...GO...because if you are already feeling this when its not a full time 100 percent your job your classroom your am I in for a treat when it actually is.

I had a chat with a teacher today...which lead to her sayin to me...yup you are one of those special ones....I didn't understand what she was talkin I felt like a moron and asked what she meant by that...say replied back...the kind of teacher that thinks and believes in all students...that is able to see potential that lies hidden deep within all students...the kind of teacher that believes and hopes in change..who understands, takes the time and relates...I kind of stood there not sure what to say or think really...mainly because one I didn't know how she could see all this in just a sub teacher and two I really didn't know where she was going with this...I am guessing the look on my face told all my thoughts...for I didn't even have to ask again what she meant...she said the kind of teacher that makes a full and complete difference in each and every student...I was left almost dumbfounded...not having a clue what to say...and she ended by saying...its okay don't have to say anything...just teach and coach....It was hands down one of the nicest, kindest and most profound things that has ever been spoken to me....the punchline of it is...those were my thoughts when I viewed her...almost word for word...And for once in my life...I want to do just what she said...just to see if she is right...

Might have been

Who remembers having a love go wrong...a love end...a letting go...a might have been...Do these thoughts ever escape us? Do we ever fully let go? Do we ever move on? Hard to say...but I am willing to say that some things are meant to last...and others aren't...even if we ever so want them to...even when we would give anything for it to work out...for it to last...sometimes love is realizing when to walk away-when to let go...when you realize that someone else is meant to be and its not you. I guess in the end that is the biggest form of love you can give...letting go...allowing someone else to stand where you would have stood...blessing that relationship even if its killing you inside...

Why do I write this...well most don't know when I do or don't have someone in my life...I am a very private person...and I am the kind of person that doesn't speak a work until she is for sure for sure...So this could would and should apply to all those that I have dated...past and present and future...I am utterly and competely someone that will always want more for everyone but herself...even if that means not getting anything in return or being alone...I often wonder if the person I was meant to be with...I let slip away...if I even blessed them away...many are now married with wives, children and houses...many I am still in touch with...still friends with...and there are moments where I wonder...was that suppose to be me?

And then I realize and fully know...NOPE...and I fully believe that soul is still out there...maybe we have met already maybe we are yet to meet...or maybe as hard as it is for me to admit that just might not be in my cards...but that doesn't mean my life will be any lesser...that I assure you...sometimes life has plans for us that are not even close to the plans and dreams we had in mind for ourselves...every once in awhile those plans are way bigger and better than the ones we had in mind for ourselves...well at least thats what keeps me hangin me when I say I have more than enough people in my life to give of my time and love...and more importantly more love has been given to me than I could ever ask for or dream of...not everyone has that...not all married women have the love of the amazing people that I have in my life...that has to count for something...heck it even should double for something in my books!

Thursday, February 26, 2009

In one single second...

Life can change in one single just one the blink of an eye...we are here living and breathing and the very next we could be taken without any can be as simple as that. Some of us will know what will end this life on earth...some will have to battle and fight to get another day...others of us will never know what even hit us...I am not sure what way would be the know or not to know?

With me...I think that what ever is dealt to me is the best life had to offer me...I would fight if given the chance but I would also go quickly...I guess when my time comes it comes...and I am okay with that because I feel that I have spoken my peace...I have done what is most important to me...I have always embraced life and valued the very gift that it is...and I am honored to have each day to live I am given. But above all I think I have done a good job at letting those around me know how much they mean to me and just how important they are...if I were to be taken tomorrow I would have no reason to look back because I have no regets...I have spoken my love and kindess...its something I try to do each and everyday so I don't have that I should have or I wish I would have thoughts...everyone that means something to me knows...I have forgiven...I have moved one...I have been forgiven...I love...which makes knowing when that time comes I can just let go.

This is not something I was able to do overnight and its not something I can all of a sudden just stop is precious and its one of the greatest treasure you will ever find or have. And who is in your life tends to have a lot to deal with your meaning of life. Why not let those people know the blessing they are. Why not speak or write the words we always feel but never find a way out until its too late for that person to hear...tell them while you have the chance...because life is uncontrolable and unpredictable it goes unplanned in a can be basking in the sun's rays one moment then smashed across the rocks and just a quickly carried out to sea forever...So never have the attitude of...I have all the time in the world...why put off what we can and should do TODAY until Tomorrow...

NDSU Alumni Mike Wieser(Bison Football Player)...known forever as the Bison who scored the winning points against D1 Montana Grizz...Bison's first D1 win....what a game..what a play...what a catch...what a guy...a person I really didn't know but knew from my college days...where I would see and talk to him at college parties lost his battle with Wilson's Disease this week...27 years old...athletic and fit...and just like that...he was gone...My thoughts go out to Mike's family, friends, and NDSU Football family...To Mike may the angels lead you into paradise...Rest well my friend, you will not be forgotten...GO BISON!!!

Wednesday, February 25, 2009

The Ride of Life

LIVING....Enduring and its found in a smile upon a face...on a friend, a loved one or a complete its found in a giggle of a baby..a barrel laugh that fills the room from a its found in a bear its found in a word...a its found in the suns softly falling gentle rain a cold surrounds us...engulfs us in its warmth and light at times as well as its cold and darkness. The beauty can be seen and felt in all corners, everywhere you look. And you can find yourself growing from not just the beauty but the not so beautiful...from light and darkness...from happiness and saddness...from laughter and tears...from success and failure...

LiFE...something I just can't get enough of...something that still amazes me and leaves me speechless...A gift I am that I hope I give back to and try to honor that gift the best way I can each and everyday.

"More than anything I want to trust a journey I don't understand."

Trust...Hope..Faith...those are the things I bring with me on this journey of life...that has lead me to the top of the mountains, to the edge of the shore...thru laughter and tears...the joys and the terrors...its one hell of a ride...that you find yourself screaming with excitement as well as in complete terror...Sometimes it takes everything to just hold on and then theres those moments where you find your arms extend in the air--just so you can feel life upon your skin...Moments where we may think we will never smile again...but we always do...Moments we would give anything to have the ride stop or at least slow down...but then you find yourself so so very glad Life just kept going and didn't give you the final say-it just forced you to keep going...for if I have learned anything...its when we let go...esp of the wheel thats when we find ourselves in the places and with the people we were always meant to be with...The ride we call's to the joys and the terrors...that bring meaning to it all...and somehow along the way if you realize it or are finding yourself...growing into youself and I hope loving yourself all along...and above all...Loving this life...its a pretty amazing ride isn't it...

Tuesday, February 24, 2009

heart cold as ice? nope..he's a melter i have found.

I had a nice little chat yack with my aunt tonite about my grandfather who will be turning 90 March 2. As I was talking to her and asking questions about his life she in returned to proceed to ask the questions about her father to her husband, Wayne. Made me smile and chuckle to myself.

Some time ago I wrote a blog about my Aunt Renee and I mentioned her hubby and how I would be bloggin about just him soon...well it has been much longer than soon but I am doing it now...Wayne Maruska...

Growing up I was scared to death of him. He reminded me of what people that I felt who lived in Russia or Germany. He was strict and stern. Military to the very core and brought that structure to his work and life. He was never mean to me growing up but yet I never gave him a chance to show me different until later on in life. Paul tended to act the same on this with me. We always behaved and did what he told us to NO QUESTIONS asked... Jacorian however didn't have one ounce of fear in his body for this man we called Uncle when Wayne would tell him to do this or that and he didn't...Paul and I thought for sure that would be the end of Jacorian...turns out Jacorian saw the true being that Wayne really was. He saw right past everything that I was scared of or unsure of and found this amazing guy. I am pretty sure my brother had no clue about this gift that he had...he was just your typical little redheaded devil! He didn't fear anyone...

I am not sure when my relationship and view changed of my Uncle Wayne. Maybe when I was mature enough to fully see all of who he truly is and not just certain sides. But I know this I am so glad I did...because he is hands down one of the most amazing guys I know. He seemed at times cold and tough but the very truth is he is warm and kind and full of love. A heart that was cold as ice couldn't be further from the truth...he's a melter for sure. He is wise educated and full of knowledge. The kind of person you would make sure you used as a life line on a trivia show...that kind of smart.

Just like all of us in life he has changed and grown more into his own skin over the years. He has shown his love and kindness more and more over the years. He has smiled and laughed more and more than I ever remember him doin when I was little but like I said I didn't fully see who he was for some time. He has taken the time to truly get to know me and my life outside of being a Goldmann and his niece. He truly cares for me as a person and yet he has that connection with all in my family. He has been understanding patient and has shown compassion with my grandmother when she was still with us but more importantly with my grandfather a man who forgets in some ways more than he remembers. A man who is stubborn and wants to do things his way and remain independent. Wayne has never belittled him and has always found ways to help Gramps out without taking away his pride. He has been just hands down amazing to Gramps. He has helped my Aunt Renee the most during the time my grandmother was sick and the passing of Granny. And now with Gramps-Renee has a lot on her shoulders and Wayne has always been there so she doesn't have to face it alone. As well as lighten the load for her...the two of them together is a very fitting pair if you ask me. They are just great together, they laugh together and dance together and just get each other in a special way.

He is a man of true strength. A man who stands by his word. A man who remains calm in chaos. A man who is in control and has found a new way of bringing structure when teaching right or wrong and yes or no.. instead of in the form of fear. I have yet to figure out if he changed and who I saw him as a child was who he was OR has he always been this amazing person and I had to change to see him? But I think in the end life has changed us both and thru that change it has brought us to where we are now. I know my life is more well rounded because I have been given this gift of being able to call this man Uncle Wayne...we don't realize just how much a person's life affects another! Just what we are missing if that person is taken out of our lives. Or in my case just what I had been missing all of those years when I thought I knew him.

His life example has spoke volumes to me about living life. He can be at times a man of many words on certain topics but when it comes to the stuff he holds in his soul he is a man of few words but I have always known his love and kindness. I have always felt everything he has ever wanted to say in his hugs. In his smiles and in his laughter. And really words are over-rated...meaning lies in action...something my Uncle Wayne has never failed to show or do. I thank my aunt for bringing such a great guy into our family. I can't imagine what life would be like without him. And to my Uncle Wayne thank you for being such a focused and centered person-someone I know who will always be there... For being such a kind uncle. And above all being way way more of the uncle I never saw you as for so long and way way less of the uncle I thought you were. You are hard core as in a hard core great uncle.

Monday, February 23, 2009

Momma Keller

Congrats to Erin and Stevie Keller on their newest addition Kyson Patrick to their family...I can't wait to meet the little guy! And of course blind him with my flash...I have seen pictures of the little guy and I am happy to report that he just may be the cutiest newborn baby boy EVER...Well I can say this until Bridget and Dan have their boy coming within the month and then the title must be shared...but for now it belongs to Kyson.
I couldn't help but think of how happy and full of love and life Erin and Stevie are feeling right now...I am so excited for the new journey they are embarking on as a family. Truly great kind and loving people who will love and cherish Kyson with every breath they take...You can already see the look of pride and joy on their faces. I know Erin will be a very hands on mama...She won't be your normal everyday mom, because Erin doesn't have a normal bone in her body...and I think this is great! She is rare and the kind of person you know there is only one of. She is always on the go...whether it be with work, shopping or just talking in general...Sometimes I have to remind her to breath when she is talking to me...but thats Erin...she's a go go getter...and because of that personality she has found much success and happiness...She will push Kyson but will always support encourage and love...THIS I KNOW why because she goes after it and doesn't stop til she reaches it and achieves it. She's the kind of person that some would be jealous of or unsure of because of her strong A personality type but once you get to know her you will be embrace by a true person who loves you and pushes you to work hard and achieve success in your life. She challenges me and pushes me with her questions and friendship and I am so grateful to have friends that see more in me...when I don't live it...who want more for me when I don't dream it. Who belive in me...esp at times when I don't. Erin Klein Keller...You have always been this kind of friend to me...and I am so happy for you and Stevie...and so grateful to call you my love and best to the three of you.

Sunday, February 22, 2009

Kindergarten Michelle

So on Friday I spent the day with 19 5 to 6 year as a KINDERGARTENER...and lets just say this...its out of control...Has anyone seen the movie Kindergarten Cop?? Well for most of the day this is what my classroom looked like...everything and anything happened in the hours I spent with these energy stocked kids...and thou it was so uncontrolable...I LOVED EVERY MINUTE OF IT!! I love how kids esp at this age have this amazing way of living in just that single moment....thats all life is to them...ONE MOMENT...they will never remember me after spending just one day with me...yet I am completely changed by the time I spent with them...Who remembers what it was like in Kindergarten?? Prolli not many of us if not all of us...oh how I wish I remember life at this age...Oh how I wish I knew that skinny smiling little blond that I was...Oh how I was the closest I got to finding that girl and being that girl again....KINDERGARTEN MICHELLE... I included some photos of me around this age of life...what can you tell from the photos? Can you see me and my personality in my eyes, my look, my smile...Just like you can see the energy the joy the laughter the smiles the happiness of being able to just live in that be in just one single moment...and life meant everything in that just single moment.

I have yet to sub teacher at the elementary level...So when I got a cancellation at the high school and was asked to come to the grade school level I jumped at the chance...and then they informed me...oh and Michelle you will be be spending the day with 19 6yr olds...I replied back...Kindergarten? "Is that okay?" Well might as well be feed to the wolves and all will seem easy after this I said back with a laugh in my voice...and feed to the wolves I was at first.

The moment I started the day i thats not how teacher does it. Mrs. Ruth does it this way. thats not are doing it wrong...and so on....They were like preditors smelling my fear and chasing after me...however the day got much better and I slowly gained control...however I was called Msssss Gold for the entire least they remembered part of my name!

Here are my top 5 favorite OC moments of the day.....
#5 Being informed by Tally a red headed girl that there are only to be 2 people at the sand box at a time during Centers...I look over and see that I have allowed not just 3 but 4...I said well today there will be I say this 2 little boys dump shovels of sand on the floor.
#4 Taking the 19 6 year olds to reading that involved a 5 minute walk thru the entire school...which by the way my line started at the reading room and ended in the classroom...I couldn't for the life of my to get all the kids to walk some what matter how many times I stopped...ALSO EVERYONE! EVERYONE!! in the school knew we were in the halls.
#3 Calling my mom during my prep asking her the meaning of words in a book that I was to read to a kindgarten class....i am not proud of this moment...but oh how she loved it!
#2 What are the chances that 17 kids forgot their snack during snack time...i doubt it...they saw what I had to hand out and all of a sudden no one had snacks.
#1 BATHROOM BREAK....have you ever tried to take 19 kids to the bathroom at one time? and not just any age of kids but 19 5 to 6 year olds?? What made this even more crazy is the fact that bathroom is nestled right in the middle of the school so EVERY CLASS can basically hear and see what is goin outside in the John's...There was screaming yelling laughing loud voices running slamming of doors and everything else...let's just say that everyone was looking...and then there was me...standing there trying to control a so uncontrolable situation...I made my first appreance in the males restroom in well ages...I almost forgot what it looked like in there and just how gross it job was to break up a fight that was started by the class trouble maker Turner peein on the toilet seat and sutter cutie Jonnie so not happy to be next in line...I kind of wanted to scream myself and say TURNER GROSS! Instead I did the adult thing and cleaned it up...and proceed to wash my hands for 5 mins after returnin to the classroom....

Honorable Mentions
Telling a girl to keep her shirt on for most of the day
*On recess comforting a little girl who was out of the blue homesick and wanted her mom
*Telling Turner (who by the way has a 10 pound head with a blond mop hair style...just might be the cutiest kid ever) to glue isn't really something he should drink like milk even if it is the same color
*Listening to sutter Jonnie the helper of the day talk...since he was the helper he tended to yack alot...I want to steal this kid
*Kendall and Haley...two little blondies...who sit next to each other who are couldn't act so different thou for some reason look aliked...Kendall...perfect little girl...with the matchin hair pieces to her outfit and the kind of kid that brushes her hair and teeth...who follows directions and colors in the line...listens...quiet...perfect...then there was Haley...her direct opposite...I couldn't figure out who I felt more sorry for...Kendall for having to see next to Haley? Or Haley having to sit next to Kendall....turns out it prolli best for both of them
*Rest time...lets get real NO ONE RESTS during REST TIME...NO ONE

It was a day that I felt I had no control over what so ever...I wanted and needed a whistle so bad all day...but at days end I was glad I never had one...I didn't lose any kids, didn't kill any kids, we didn't break anything...well that I know of...didn't lose anything...well that I know of...we got everything covered..I won't say done...but to the best we could...I know I didn't do things even close to how she planned or had in mind....but we got thru it...I didn't sit or have a moment to myself for the entire day...I was always moving always going...and I loved it...It was the first time in a very long time that I lived in one single moment...and it didn't matter what will come or be...we would get to it when we got to it...A whole day of kids and truly playing with them and being with them...How can a smile...a laugh...a some much more different when it comes from these kids? How does it seem to mean more? I loved smiling with them and laughing with them and just interactiving with them....whether they be the class clown, the leader, the pleaser, the shy one, the loud one, the naughty one, the perfect one, the wild one, the calm one....I loved my time with each and everyone of them....And after a day that was completely and utterly chaos and out of control from the very start to the very end...I went home in a state of peace...I was left just feeling happy....knowing they would forget all about moment in their lives was over...but their moment in mine will always all around us and we will find it in the craziest and most out of control places...and oh the joys of finding it just there.

Thursday, February 19, 2009

Your lessons are still with me.

I was reading my blog and I realized that it wasn't just my high school teachers that played a big role in my life...but that honor also belongs to all my teachers...whether they were my 1st grade teacher, 6th grade teacher, or music teacher...thru middle and elem. school..yet it doesn't stop there...I was given an amazing gift to learn and grow from some amazing professors at NDSU...I wish I could stay in touch with each and every single one of you...esp teachers like Dr. Strand, Dr. Barney, Dr. Ary, Dr. Duffield, Dr. Craw...and teachers that I remember being in their classrooms and just what they looked liked yet for the life of me can't remember their names...tends to happen when your post education lasts as long as mine did...I am beyond grateful for such beings who I feel always lived this quote..." I never teach my pupils; I only attempt to provide the conditions in which they can learn." - Albert Einstein..

I have had so many teachers who gave me the room to grow and spread my wings...So many teachers that allowed me to find my own way...Who simply gave me the tools I would need, who stood by for guidence and advice but let me learn in my own and most of the time un-normal way...Teachers like Diane Kuch, Doug Olson, Jan Oihus, Connie Schmidt, Gwen Dinkins, Diana Kutnson, Jan Olson, Becky Theis, Sherry Zacher, Carla Johnson, Craig Becker, Joe Bren, Rex Wenko, Toni Jund, Dave Stuart, Kelly Rasch, Art Schilke, Kathy Enervold, LaVonne Duppong, Bill Suter, Gail Wold, Jeff Baranick, Mary Ann Paul, Tim Paul, Jay Swegarden, Toni Hoff, Tom Schwartz, Loy Ham, Jeff Gemmill, Rick Olwell, Kathy Stiefel, Tanya Doe, Randy Zimmerman, Tracy Steiner...teachers all so different...all had their ways of teaching...some better than others at times...but never one over the other...I walked away as much more well rounded person because of the time and knowledge they brought into my life...some of the lessons I learned from them were easy others were hard...Some were life changing lessons others not so much...Some were a struggle to learn while others just came to me...Some I was forced to learn and didn't see the meaning or understanding behind it until years later...Not every teacher I had was the most amazing teacher ever...but it doens't mean I walked away any less. I know they made mistakes along the way just as I did. I know they were finding theirselves as well...and one must fail and fall in order to grow...I am sure they would do things differently at times looking back just as I would. But for the very most part I was provide an education from teachers you just don't find everyday or just anywhere...but then again some people would disagree with me...Yet I would stand my this...because in the end its just not up to the teacher...a lot of it lies within the student...

Its a give and take relationship...sometimes its 50-50 other times its 70-30 and then flips to 20-80...I think as a student if you open yourself up and allow something new and different it can make a world of difference. I feel that if you carry a positive attitude and realize that the teacher isn't out to get you when they are hard on you, but they are challenging and pushing you to reach further...They are encouraging you to live up to the person that you truly are...I carry their lessons with me everyday of my life...I still am learning from them...and I will still give them the same respect that I gave them when I sat in their classrooms...because thats how much I think of them...thats how honored I am to call them Mr. and Mrs....

Whether I sat in your classroom or played on a team you have made a difference in my life...and I promise to always challenge myself and push myself in the ways you always did to get me to reach further. I promise to live my life in a way that you would be proud to say I taught that girl...I coached that girl...What you think of me still very much matters to me...You know I will not at times live in a graceful and flawless way...I will mess up and make mistakes but I promise I will always learn from them and try again. I will always try my hardest to be someone of good character and life values. Someone people can count on and lean on. Someone who doesn't give in to failure or pressure...The same person you (my teachers and coaches) saw me as...the person you hoped I would fully be one day. I have no idea where my path is taking me...but know this I take each of you with me...and use your lessons, your knowledge, your teachings as fuel...some alone some all together...each helping me along on this journey of life. You have always made me feel like I matter...that I can make a difference...and in return know that you all my teachers and coaches matter and have made a difference in my life and in so many countless others...we are more of the people we are meant to be because you took the time to teach us, to push up, to challenge us, to help us...We may no longer be in your classrooms but your lessons are still with and always...THANK YOU.

Wednesday, February 18, 2009

Back in the day

As I was teaching at WHS today I was reminded of my days back in high school and the kind of person I was and such.

Looking back I ran with the popular crowd yet how I was accepted by them is beyond me. I can count on my hands the amount of times I went to parties all thru high school. I wasn't one you saw out and about on friday and saturday nights...if there was a football or basketball game I attended...and fully watched and went home. I spent most of my time with my family and janelle and jami. My summers were spent coaching little league softball. I was the one that usually ate lunch on school grounds and spent that time talking to pretty much anyone and everyone.

My friends would often get upset with me because I was always inviting someone to join us or our table for lunch or I would simply ditch them and go sit with the kid that sat alone. To this very day I find myself still doing this. I would spend my time not just getting to know people in my grade or grades above me but also the underclassmen.

When I was a senior I was prolli the only senior to befriend freshman and include them and not treat them like crap. Some of my friends didn't agree with this but I didn't care. I just didn't see the point of treating someone like that just because I could and just because that's what upper classmen are suppose to do to underclassmen. I wasn't one who ever backtalked to the teachers. And I hardly ever got in trouble. When it came to sports and coaches I was the player always doin what I was told or asked to do and did it as hard and as best as I could. I tried the best I could to stay loyal to my coaches and get my teammates to play their way..this was very challenging for me to do at times. I wasn't perfect trust mr many nights I took whatever anger I migh have had or how much I may disagree with things out on my parents...and they did the best thing for me...they sided with my coach or my teacher...which at times torked me off but I am so glad they took this approach...this helped me find a huge piece of myself and helped me grow into the coach and teacher I am today because of that.

So even in high school I didn't fit into a box of being popular...but yet somehow I was still looked as that...mainly because I knew so many people but more importantly I took the time to know everyone I possible could in my high best as I could I tried to have a convo with each person that walked the halls even if that was for ten seconds or to ask them if they wanted a piece of gum.

In the end I don't want to be remembered as someone who was popular or someone who was highly active and good at sports. I don't want to be remembered as paula and marks daughter or paul and jacorians sister...I simply want to be known as someone who took the time to make someone feel special. I want to be remembered as that winterfest queen who spent some of her lunches listening to a table of guys talk about wizards dragons and so much more even thou she had no idea at times what they were talking about or really didn't have anything to say in return...but they still included me in their convo. I want to be remembered at someone who treated everyone as an equal. Someone who didn't judge but just accepted. Someone who saw the greatness in people that so many didn't see or take the time to know. I made my share of mistakes in high school but I feel they were the right mistakes to make looking back because those mistakes resulted in the lessons I needed to learn.

The entire high school staff truly knew me...granted they might have known my name because of my mother brother and last name but I am for certain that it was the real me they got to know and it was that person they based their thoughts of me off...I wasn't given special treatment just because if anything I had a higher standard to reach and prove myself.

I am truly grateful for all those adults...from the cooks who always had a dish cloth for me on game days so I wouldn't get my dress clothes dirty-who saved me the corner pieces on pizza day...the janitors that memorized my locker combo (both school and sports locker) because they knew I always forgot it. The aides who always chatted with me in the mornings. All the teachers who pushed me and challenged me to give my best and then reach beyond that. I don't remember every lesson or everday in their classrooms but I remember them their class their role in my life. Mrs Hoff who entrusted me with the school camera and allowed me to spend endless hours in the darkroom...because of you I found one of my life's thoughts are with you during your battle with cancer. Mr Stuart who challenged me in ways I have yet to even understand in your classroom and in life. You were never an easy teacher. Somewhat of a hardass and we had to earn your thoughts are with you as well as you battle cancer. So many teachers who not only changed my life but countless other students who walked the halls of BHS as nerds as jocks as rebels as loners as barbies as bookworms as band-choir-drama so many each all so different who were all touched and changed by you. And just like us you as well made mistakes but learned and grew from them. And maybe just maybe were changed and touched by us.

In many ways I am still that high school girl...still tryin to figure out where she fits...still embracing and befriending as many as I can. Still learning and growing from all who are in my life. Still wanting to make her teachers family and friends proud. I am still here...

Tuesday, February 17, 2009

My Parents

I am still without a computer therefore I am bloggin thru my pinkberry...sorry for all grammar errors this isn't the best thing to type on or read on...while I am at it I am sorry for those who are awaiting contact from me---i assure you than once I gain control of the geek squad and get my life aka my computer back I will be in touch asap.

I can't imagine the things parents have to go thru...the things they worry about stress about give up or go without...I try to understand but well I have never gave birth I have never nutured and raised a child I have never been in those shoes. But recently I have been thinking a lot about this mostly because of the life situation that I am in right now...a struggling single female. If it weren't for my parents well I would have been long gone a long time ago...and I have found myself feeling so so so guilty. They are always their bailing me out and supporting me...I am prolli hands down the worse kind of child one would ever want and I know I am not the kind of child one would dream for. By this time in my life I figured no I planned to have a life where I could solo fly on my own...and it seems like whenever that moment comes where I think I will FINALLY be out of their hands and hair...a road block comes problems health problems computer problems...ahhhh! I am so blessed and grateful for two parents that never give up on me...and I promise somehow someway I will repay them...I will make it up to them...I am not some spoiled kid who doesn't realize what my parents have given up just so I could do so many things just so I could be safe just so I could have a running car a working life will come together--and it will be soon! And I will fly solo and I will be able to give back to you! I am not one who promises unless I know for sure I can full fill it... I promise that I will make you proud! I will fly solo and find success. I will find a way to thank you for everything! My parents know better than anyone the person I am...they know that I am different and I hope they believe in that different in the same way I will be just that the way I am different will one day be the reason I find day I and my parents will look back on this journey of ups and downs and it will make complete sense how I got to be where I am at who I am and the success I found. They have never faulted in their faith and love in me or in my brothers. They have given us guidence displine and advice. I know we have messed up made mistakes and disappointed you worried you and stressed you two completely out but you always battled the storms.

I read a story bout how a parent never stops being a parent a child grows becomes an adult and becomes a parent yet the parent still sees that person as their child...whether they be 5 15 25 55 or 65...this is very true BUT my mom and dad will always remain my parents whether I be 28 58 and so on...I will always learn from them. I will always be grateful for everything they do give and bring into my you know I am not normal in fact I don't do normal...well you can bet my parents aren't like all the other parents in this world...they are rockstars. One just doesn't become different parents raised me to embrace being different..they encouraged me to dream and achieve. They challenged me to set the bar high..higher and higher and go after it...even and esp when I fall. They taught me about endurance and determination. Two things I know will pay off if I stick to it. But more than anything my parents passed on the very best of my mom I have her understanding compassion kindness loving and gentle ways. In my father I have his sense of humor drive and focus when I set my mind to something...from the both of their lives together have mixed together to form my view on I am able to be one with nature, how I am able to befriend everyone I meet, how I am able to feel see live with my much of who I am how I am is because of these two amazing people.

I hope more than anything one day they will be truly proud of me..I hope they can one day say you know Michelle you really tested us pushed us and drove us to the edge oh oh so many times...but now looking back it all makes sense and thou the journey prolli could have been a lot smoother on a different path to get us to right here...but the lessons laid in the laid in the journey...and above all you were never a normal child so why would you ever be a normal always did things in your own way your style why would life be any different...and once you end up finally finding your way--it is the only way you would ever take..the only way that makes sense...because it tends to just scream Michelle the entire way...even when we don't agree or even if we question and are unsure about what you are doing or where you are going...we found the faith to trust in you and your day one day...I promise! Til then I thank you for your love for your support for your faith for your guidence and advice. Thank you for seeing more in me when at times I for sure don't show it or deserve it. I love you two with all that I am and all that I will be!

Monday, February 16, 2009

President's Day

Happy Presidents Day! While most schools have the day off and businesses are closed...I am at Whitefish High...they seem to never have days off from jan til april until spring break comes---talk bout cabin fever! This was why I was active in everything that seemed I always got out of school! One of the smartest things I have ever done...thou I realized I learned a lot from all the things I was so active in back in my schools days at BHS.

Today is a day where most Americans have off...but how many actually celebrate the real reason of this day! How many actually give thanks to the men that have been our presidents? Or even give thanks to the men and women that have helped these men? It is not a job I would ever like or even want my father husband brother or son to have! Because they are suppose to be these perfect flawless leaders...get real people they will make mistakes and I can stand how people bad mouth them and trash talk them....I wanna say and you could do better? What makes you so so right...stop judging! You have no clue what lead to them doin such have no clue at may think you do because you are only looking at it from your point of view and not the millions the president has to...I think this country would go a lot further if we find understanding and compassion to all people including the man we call or have called our president...they love america and everything it stands for or else they wouldn't be in that oval office...they want more for you and me and they want us to be safe and do me a favor don't be so quick to fire off your mouth with a drop of the hat...they are not perfect but instead of just focusing on the bad and negative take that time to realize the positive and good...and hope that will out weigh the bad or hope for improvements

Another thing we just think that one guy has to do all the about taking repsonsiblity for your part! How bout showing ownership in your counrty your state your town! How bout finding things that you can do that will be positive....imagine what would be if all americas lived like this!! If you want to see change...start with the change you can do!!

Sunday, February 15, 2009

computer changes

So I am sitting in the movie theatre awaiting for confessions of a shop. to start...I decided to go to the movies while I await for the outcome of what will be and become of my computer...crossing my fingers!! So yup I am flighin solo at the moovies...but really who cares its not like you do a lot of interaction with people once it starts...

Moving always likes to increase its speed when you are not ready for it or wanting it...take my computer for example its like I might have finally caught my breathe and bang nope I might need to spend bucks to get it fixed OR even bigger bucks to buy a new one. I already know a new monitor is a must so by days end I will be at least forkin out 280 dollars on a new screen...ahh...I have been the geek squad a couple times already and I have found I never wish I could be my own nerd or geek right now!! I really can't stand that place...oh course is all happens right when I don't want it to...but then again when is there a time that I would want it to happen??

Life is all about the unexpected unplanned...and rolling with the punches as you go...I had a choice to be a debbie downer about this OR I can look at the positive side...I get a new computer will be better than ever soon or I will have something new fast and that works....granted I have to spend money but its an investment and this computer that I did have has lasted me for over 6 years and I have taken very good care of it and therefore it lasted me a very long time just like my next one will...change just can sux even if its dealing with just a computer. I will keep you up to date with what will happen....for those of you who know me know how much I use and rely on my dell! About as much as my nikon!

Saturday, February 14, 2009

Meant to be...

Happy V-Day...most would say I love you today but well I like to say I hate you to all those that I love and care way of making light of one of the most out of control holidays...anyways moving on..haha

I always thought for the longest time that some people try to be more than who they are or change for someone...but I have come to realize that some people just need a certain person a certain love to open themselves up to truly being a person they were all along meant to be but they needed someone to reveal that very greatness that always had laid in their souls.

Certain people make us feel more than we think that we are..but the truth is its these very people that fully see us...and see the person that is just awaiting for us to I believe in a special love that can transform us...some realize this with knowing and are capable of being just who they are suppose to be-al by themselves...others need a little help... I have seen both kinds of these walks of life...and the truth is not one is better than the other because in the end the result is the same we are able to fully and completely be the people we are meant to be.

Love is a powerful changes us awakes us inspires us and so much opens us up to opens us up to ourselves and forces us to see the very things that someone loves about us and in a way gets us to love makes us helps us to be what in times we think is better and bigger than the people we think that we are...but the truth is it doesn't makes us better nor gives us the freedom to be ourselves...fully and completely.

I have never had such a dramatic love in my life. Maybe I will maybe I won't...because in the end it doesn't matter...I have found that love in my father my mother my brothers my punk my grandparents my family my packer punks my friends...and its that love that helped me find me...its that love that helped me be just who I was always meant to be...and no I have not fully reached or become that person...I believe I am not capable of fully becoming that very true soul...I will not be completely complete until I leave...until my life on this planet is over...until then I am given the time to find her be her grow into her love her and become her....what a gift this life is..what a blessing it is to have the love of so many...all in the end just helping us guiding us loving us encouraging us inspiring us to reveal our soul's greatness and becoming someone we were all along meant to be...

Friday, February 13, 2009

i am a girl...

I am a girl who doesn't know the purpose reason or meaning behind her life.

I am a girl who loves her budlight and taps the rockies here and there when the time is right.

I am a girl who will go to a movie she wants to see even if I have to go alone.

I am a girl who acts all tough but really is a softie at heart.

I am a girl who will get completely lost in the moment

I am a girl who feels way more than she ever speaks.

I am a girl who would love it for you to ask me to dance even thou I hate dancing.

I am a girl who isn't afraid to travel alone or go out to eat alone...if I wanna do something I will its that simple.

I am girl who hunts with her brothers father and uncles...I may not hunt like a guy but I can drink right with them!

I am a girl who doesn't like crafts fairs and fabric shops but will go because my mom and aunt love them.

I am a girl who won't watch horror movies alone because she's afraid something bad will happen to her.

I am a girl who forgives right away and never carries the hurt with her.

I am a girl who loves to be hugged from behind and whispered too...make sure you talk in the right ear or I won't hear a word you say.

I am a girl who has no idea if someone likes her no matter how obvious it is...I still have no clue.

I am a girl who wants to secretly have the white wedding even when she says she doesn't care or it doesn't matter.

I am a girl who loves to laugh til she cries.

I am a girl who hopes to feel her baby kick inside her- who hopes to give her children kisses that heal- who hopes her children are more than she.

I am a girl who loves and admires her friends...all of them

I am a girl who loves her crown....royal

I am a girl who finds herself in music and lyrics

I am a girl who wants so much but has yet to figure out how to achieve it

I am a girl who loves to hear your voice tellin her goodnite

I am a girl who every once in awhile acts like a complete barbie..not often but sometimes.

I am a girl who hates to cuddle but given the right person I would do it all the time

I am not your avg normal everyday sort of girl...not now not ever!!

I am a girl who wants to give more than she ever takes

I am a girl who would give anything to be with you

I am a girl who dreams of you making me laugh and smile

I am a girl who is a complete smartass...I am not meanin it in a mad way either

I am a girl who loves to ski.

I am a girl who is clean organized and neat...I might have a problem with this actually

I am a girl who loves dogs and hates cats

I am a girl who is still learning her way in this life

I am a girl still growing into herself...I make mistakes.

I am a girl who dreams who hopes who believes...

I am a girl who isn't afraid to spend time with just herself.

I am a girl who has realized the one I have always been awaiting for....just may be in fact ME.

I am a girl....

Thursday, February 12, 2009

What is Life? What is Time?

I was granted a gift this morning...a rare, special gift that I will only recieve TODAY...I awoke this morning and my heart was beating and my lungs were filled with air...and before me laid a brand new day...To do whatever I please with it...and if I am lucky I will be granted tomorrow. I knew someone who went out and bought 1,000 marbles since the average person gets around 1,000 seems like so many until one by one you remove a marble and you start to realize just how precious your time is, what a gift life truly start to realize just how you want to spend your time...Humans...we are amazing breathing walks of life...yet we can be so spoiled so greedy...we think that we have all the time in the world...but really we don't...and we can't count on having tomorrow just today.

I know there are so many days, so many saturdays that I wish I could do more with..but its a lesson I have learned because I have realized the gift my time on this earth is...I am not sure where it will take me tomorrow, where it will take me next week, where it will take me in five years, ten years, twenty-five years....I can't even count on still walking on this earth next month....but I hope I am...I hope that I am granted enough time on this planet to leave my have something somewhere say Michelle Goldmann was here...something that will last and not fade...a legacy that I am proud of....I am 28 years old and I have done some pretty cool things, gone to some places that take your breathe away, I have people in my life that make this life all worth it...yet I know that I am just getting started. I have yet to see where this journey the movie Simon Birch there is this quote that I feel just sums up the pace of life..."Time is a monster that cannot be reasoned with. It responds like a snail to our impatience, then it races like a gazelle when you can't catch a breath." How simply put and very true....You find yourself not wanting to waste it...but in order to find the value in it...we must in fact waste it...for some reason humans need to learn through the process of trail and error. Usually it isn't something we learn on the first time around either, because we let our thinking get in the way or our egos....I don't want to waste one moment on this earth...I don't want to waste a single second hating when I can love. I don't want to carry hurt when I can forgive. I don't want to ever think I have too many friends or know too many people....there are still so many out there waiting for me to befriend them. I don't ever want to be too busy making a life to not be able to live my life...I don't ever want to be too busy where I can't find the beauty in a sunset or can't help out someone in need. Why do we always feel like life is meant to be rushed or filled with endless to dos....I undestand this at certain times but so many don't value today...they have the attitude of I will enjoy it tomorrow...what happens if tomorrow never comes?

The one thing that seems to always knock us right on course is death and illness...all of a sudden we think of all we want to do and then it seems like we won't have enough time to do all that we want....well maybe if we start to live our lives for Today...for this moment we won't run into such problems...I am like everyone else...i run around with my head cut off from time to time but most of the time I am that person when you are walking with that walks slow and three steps behind...because I don't see the point in rushing...I came across something written by Crowfoot a Native American Orator...and these words force you to slow down...these are the words I think of and try to see in my life...because in order to see them one must slow down and be in the moment..."What is life? It is the flash of a firefly in the night. It is the breath of a buffalo in the wintertime. It is the little shadow which runs across the grass and loses itself in the sunset." What is life to you? Trust me its something to truly take the time to think about and to value every second you get while you are tryin to figure it out.

Wednesday, February 11, 2009

Our stories, Our journeys..

Where does this journey take us? Where does it lead? Who gives us the word to end it? begin it? I think of all the life journeys...all the people I know and the stories that hold the meaning of their souls of their journey....each story different, so special...each life who matters, who makes a difference....there will never be another like theirs...there will never be another YOU. And as I wandered, pondered and travel thru this life..I have come to realize how important it is to not only hear their stories but more imporantly listen to their let their words, their smiles, their dreams, their failures, their tears and laughter be part of my story. And to let my story be a part of theirs...We travel alone on our journeys but never alone in our lives....The stories are all different, yet all the same...the fabrics remain true for all of us...we all dream...we all love...we all laugh...we all cry...we all fail....we all fall...we all hurt....we are nonbelievers and believers...we are all human...and it doesn't matter if we are male, female, old, young, straight, gay, tall, short, black white or lime green...all our hearts beat and pump blood, all of our lungs fill with air, we all feel, see and hear...and the very things that make us feel so different are the very things that make us the same....people understand and relate more than you think...people hold more compassion, love and support than you ever would believe....Most of the time the only thing that stands in our way for us to know such things is our own being...We must dare to open ourselves up, we must take the chance of sharing our story...for it in end it truly is the only thing that will make us...our journey our life our story make sense...and it just might end up changing you or saving you...You just never know who can fact I am willing to say that its way more than we ever would think imagine or believe....

Tuesday, February 10, 2009

My biggest flaw

I have found to be so understanding and full of compassion to everyone I have in my life. I believe in their beings and have faith where their life's journey will take them. I see who they are and who they are growing into. I see pass their faults and flaws. I have confidence in those that I love and care about...yet there is one person I am not like that to at person I hold to a higher standard person I think is always capable of doing more or doing better. Someone who thinks its never enough...Someone who doesn't see or feel the kind words people speak about her. Guess who that person is...yup I am that person.

I haven't realized just how hard I am on myself until lately. And I am not sure how it has gotten to be like that. How is it that I will never let someone think in such a way about themselves or be that hard on themselves but I have no problem with that regarding myself. Its something I know I need to work on...I do value myself and respect myself yet I can't quite come up with the words to truly explain myself.

I look at this blog and I have received so many kind words and amazing thoughts shared with me about my writings..- guess I still don't see how me just being honest is resulting in such feedback. Jami is always saying if you don't want people to read it don't post it on-line...such a smartie that one. But the truth is I write these words...these blogs to say how I feel not speak...does that make sense? Which I feel is a big difference. Someone told me do you have any idea how you write? I replied back ya with bad grammar...tends to happen when you write with your soul and not your brain. I make jokes because I have no idea what to say Jami says I have no idea how to take a compliment...I guess in the end I don't write things or do things to see what I can get out of them. But that doesn't mean I am not grateful for such things in my life.

So ya I have things to work on...we all do. But well I could have the problem of being over confident-cocky or someone with a huge ego. There are things in my life that make me feel uncomfortable like public speaking or opening up gifts and cards in front of someone...or hearing praise...any one have any ideas how to make such situations less uncomfortable...or words of advice on how to receive compliments? Or is this just who I am always going to be...someone who wiggles and squrims...gets red in the face with embrassment when truly there's no reason to be like that at I say...I don't do normal well...

Monday, February 9, 2009

She didn't just survive..she became.

She didn't just survive...she became...Many people can come to mind when I think of these 6 words...but one person I know for sure truly lives them as well as her being encompasses just that...her name is Janelle (Swegarden) Paulsrud...she the wife of my mentor and teacher Jay Swegarden and the mother of my person, my punk, my sister...Jami. She taught with my mom for ages, both second grade teachers at Beulah Elem....and well it was prolli that relationship that started it all...I am not sure how Janelle and Jami became such a huge part of my life...somethings we just never see coming and those are the very things that change our entire world...we don't know or see the change until it has happened and you are left with that gut feeling of not remembering what life was truly like before....Most prolli thought I was the strangest, craziest 18 year old ever...what senior in high school spends all of her time with a teacher and her 12 year old daughter...well that was me...and I never did it because I was forced or put up to it...I did it because that where I wanted to a time where I struggled with dealing with the passing of Mr. Swegarden, lettin go and moving on...I felt safe and at home with the two of them...Yeah I made a promise to always look after Jami, but looking back I might have used that more as an excuse to spend all my time with them...and it was that...those moments of spending my friday nights and picking up Jami in the mornings, goin to the lake, babysitting, vacationing with them...those simple minor things that laid the foundation of two relationships that would change my entire was random moments of laughter thru tears that bonded our lives forever...something that we have all three held onto thru out the years...thru moments of despair, of tears, of pain and hurt, of death, of letting go, of changing, of moving on, of forgiving, of laughter, of smiles, of growing, of living, of happiness....I have been thru moments of sunshine and rain with the two of them...I have battled thru the darkness and basked in the sun's rays...We held on to each other and which helped us hold on to life...I can never put into words all we have been thru, all the changes, all the tears and laughter...I have moments both happy and sad with the two them that rocked my world and changed me...all for the better. I look back and think of how our journey together started and all that this rollercoaster of life took us on til now and all that it will take us on in the future...I don't think I have ever cried so much nor laughed so much with two people.

It has been thru Janelle's example, her way of living that has truly set the standard and motto to LOVEthisLIFE...her inner and silent strength has taught me so many lessons about life. Her life has faced some of the darkest, longest, ugliest and strongest of storms... yet she held her own, put up her sails and sailed wasn't the prettiest at times nor the easiest...and she came out batter, damaged and broken...but she carried on, she didn't give up, she built herself up, she didn't just survive...she became..a person who truly sees the beauty still in life, a person who laughs and smiles thru tears and happiness...a person who still dreams, who still believes, who loves, who gives, who still has faith. Yeah she isn't perfect in any way, and she battles her darkness and demons like the rest of us..but she is a woman of amazing grace, a woman who's inner beauty, love and strength seeps thru her pores esp when she doesn't want it too...Her courage to stand tall, even if it took her awhile to get up inspiring to all who know her and love her...She is determined to fill her heart with love and happiness...She is stubborn in this fight against life...she will not let it get the worse of her...I will never know the thoughts that lie too deep for words that lie in her soul...but I have seen something better than words...I have witness her action...I have seen how she has changed and grown by what life dealt her...yet no matter what cards lie in her hands...she still makes something out of it....and its not her words that I have learned the most from...but by her being and how she lives this life..and loves this life....

She is someone that is a mother to me, an aunt, a best friend...she has given me advice, help, support, nuture and love just like a mother...she has spoiled me, taken me places, stuck up for me, and loved me like family just like an aunt..She has caused trouble with me, stayed up late talking, went out to the bars and drank with me, we have had endless convo on the phones...just like best friends...She has always believed in me, she has always loved me like a daughter, like a niece, like a friend....She has never faulted in her faith in me...esp when I have messed up or have gotten in trouble with Jami...It has been thru this relationship...thru her faith, belief and love she has for me that has helped me become me find myself and grow into myself.

How does one find the words to thank someone for such things...How can one even begin to find the right words that mean everything their soul feels..How can words do justice to being so grateful, so honored and so very blessed...They never will come close to what my soul feels and how changed I am by this woman and her daughter...As I carry their stories...they in return carry mine. And I know that no matter where life takes me...whether I am right next to them or living in China...our connection will never fade...our lives will be twisted and fused together til the end of time...I have talked about the different friends I have in my friends, moment friends, journey friends and for two special people...soul friends...Yet they are even more than that...they are Family! And I wouldn't trade a single moment with them...the good and the bad, the happy and the sad, the laughter and the tears....not for anything....

Sunday, February 8, 2009

Life as a 5th grader...

One Friday I spent the day with 23 5th graders...I realized from the very moment I walked into the classroom it was a day that was goin to be one to remember. So thru out the day while the students did their projects and papers I maintained a is my day with the 5th graders.

**8:25am Students begin to gather outside classroom to see who the new person is, that will be their teacher...Their whispers are about as loud as my normal voice so I can hear everything..
**8:35am A student realizes my name is on the board and proceeds to inform the ENTIRE 5th grade pod of at least 100 students that my name is Miss actually its Miss. Goldmann I reply back.
**8:45am I begin to take attendance that ends in failure since I think only 35% of the class have names like Lisa, Kate, Michael, Jack, and so on.
**9:00am the class sings happy birthday to Addie...only to find out it might be the worse song to sing with 10 year olds...I reply wow that was terrible-glad we have music today...class understands my sense of humor and laughs.
**9:01am Addie begins to pass out her birthday treat...DONUTS...I thank Addie for the sugar high she and her classmates will be on soon...she just gets a big smile on her face that lets me know--"yup I know."
**9:06am it has been brought to my attention that a student is MISSING...its been 21minutes and I have lost a student.....
**9:10am student is still missing...I send another student out to find the missing student who goes by the name of Luke.
**9:15am...yup the sugar has kicked in....
**9:16am Two students now are missing...
**9:20am As I am about to send out another student to find the boys...they walk in..oh course with boyish smiles..I reply look what TROUBLE has just brought into the room...our two missing students...I later find out that this is something Luke does often. esp with sub teachers...I pull him to the side and inform him I am not like regular sub teachers.
**9:30am finally SILENCE...well not really...they are great at talking with lips and no sound..reading each other's lips from across the room...I think to myself wow this is talent...but for the most part they are all working on their projects.
**9:35am silence has now broken...sparked by the missing student Luke, who I have now found out is the class talker, and class clown...I have no choice but to laugh with the rest of the class...the kid is actually pretty darn funny.
**9:37am I have found that the normal teacher Ms. Braunberger has so so not left enough for these kids to do...She gives us over an hour to do such things that only take half that time to matter how slow I go.
**9:40am on to Language...wonder if they are able to speak another language...or maybe up to learning Michellish...ok I will stick to the lesson plans.
**9:44am I am corrected before I even begin by a future Jeopardy winner...I am positive this girl is way smarter than me....I nickname her Jeopardy and she loves it.
**Jeopardy seem to have all the answers for language...her hand is ALWAYS up...but she is a very mature 5th grader and doesn't speak until called upon until like missing student Luke and so many others.
**10:20am...I heart ART....
**Students are gone from 10:20 til 10:55...
**10:56am where did the time go??
**Just in time to take them to wash hands and go to lunch.
**11:35am they are back....Out of Control and so much energy...I start to realize how hard it must be for them to always sit and not talk...heck I am not sure if I can even do that...
**11:40am MATH...half the class is not done with homework assignment..They are sent to the hall as we correct the papers. During this time I am constantly repeating answers...students are asking over and over...whats #3 whats #5 whats #7 and so on...FINALLY we are done...I go out to the hall to get the students who are not done...I ask who was gone yesterday and who just didn't do their homework...I ask why...James a cute little little 5th grader replies back to me..well to be honest Misssss GoldMANN I just didn't see the point...why do I need to know this??...I thought well I am with you kid BUT I didn't say that...instead said the mature teacher thing to say and said it will fill your mind with knowledge.
**12:02pm LONG I haven't actually done this I am not even sure..I hand out the worksheet and then go to my desk and try to do the worksheet myself...this is the FIRST time I realize the whole show are you smarter than a 5th grader...and fully know that I may not be...Jeopardy ends up being a huge help to me with answering questions...I found I could do it-but not explain how I did it....
**12:11pm Luke is suppose to be working on his math and instead he is doin something with his shoes...I ask him what he is doing and he says ya kno re-learning how to tie my shoes...what i ask? I am tryin to see if I can tie my shoes in another way then what I usually do...I shake my head and say that sounds amazing BUT do it after you are done with math.
**12:19pm everyone seems to be done with math...BUT ME...good thing I am not tested on this...I go around the classroom to make sure they are actually done and not just pretending...YUP they are all done...and we are suppose to be on math until 1pm...
**12:20pm I ask them what they would like to do and it is voted on to play they students start asking me anything and everything you can think of....
What size shoe do you wear? (um 8.5-9) Are there bears in North Dakota? (not that I know of) How about mountains? (do you listen during geography class?) Did you meet Steve Irwin when you were in Australia? (um no...he was killed by a sting ray before I even went over there) Are there shopping malls in North Dakota? (yes we are pretty much just like Montana but with no mountains) How old are you? (how old do I look? thank you...then another says older enough to be my grandma...WHAT!) What do you want to be when you grow up?? (I had no answer and couldn't figure out if I was suppose to know now or not...according to these kids its ok if I don't know...i was touched by this.) Where do you live? (on the mountain--a student says like the book my side of the mountain?? no no no I say I don't live inside of a carved out tree.) then out of the blue i am told I am the most amazing person they have ever met and that I am their favorite guess teacher....I say thank you but then say no that comment will not get you out of the spelling test after recess...they laugh...the questions cont. until there is a knock at the door to inform us the Royal Court of Whitefish is here....the studends FREAK OUT!!
**12:50am the entire 5th grade is gathered in the pod wing around 160 students and 8 teachers...Its the Winter Carvinal in Whitefish..which I am still learning about being a new be here...but its an out of control time in the town of Whitefish...They have a royal court of a king, queen, duke, duchess, prince, princess, prime minster, even the people that play the trumpets and the guy that makes the announcement of the Royals...They enter completely dressed like royalty...they are here to bring someone kid into knighthood...his grandfather was a king, and his mom is the now the current duchess...the whole royal blood thing apply to this...unless you are a prince or princess...i didn't realize just how into this whole time the town and people get...
**1:05pm RECESS
**1:30pm Spelling....I am to give a test on words that sound the same but have different fair, fare, do, due, dew, sent, sence, cent and so on...I give senteces with each has come to my attention that my ND accent is not helping...and students are so lost...and keeping asking me what was #2 what was #4?? Not all students have to take the test if they got all right on the pre-test...JEOPARDY ends up giving the test for me...what a helper...they have no problem understanding her.
**1:50pm I drop the students off at Music and tell the teacher they esp need to work on the happy birthday song...
**2:30pm...Social Studies...we correct papers and I send Tavia to the hall-she wasn't here yesterday
**3:00pm ..I have assigned the class their homework and they start to work.
**3:02pm...a student asks where is Tavia...I think to myself oh my god I lost another student!! NOPE just forgot to bring her back in from the hall...opps SORRY.
**3:03pm the students are antzy and its friday...I inform them they can stop working and relax and enjoy the last part of the day.
**3:17pm I dismiss the class to get their belongings and such...but not before every student for some reason wants to give me a hug and informs me they hope to have me again...aww...they understand my sense of humor.
**3:20pm bell rings and its a mad house out in the day as a 5th grader is over.

Now some may think I am a teacher that gets walked on, some may think I am a teacher that lets students do whatever...But the truth is I am not...I have an understanding with kids, I let them know what I aspect from them...and I always try to treat the students with the same respect I want them to give me...I understand how impossible it is to sit in a desk for 8 hours and always be told to be quiet, get to work, don't laugh don't talk don't move...when was the last time any of us have tried to do that? So maybe I let them get away with doing a little more of that than they are use to...I laugh at their jokes, their stories...and smile and shake my head when everyone knows they should know better...I don't see the point of being a boss...of being a mean teacher that demands and wants then gives nothing in are kids...and they have a right to sometimes act their age...So know that even when my day sounds like it was nothing but fun, craziness and sillyness...the students always get their work done and I tend to never have any problems...I am the only sub teacher in the Whitefish School system that has not sent a kid to the office or had to write someone up...I was approached about this at the start of the week by the person who calls and hires me...she wanted to know if I just put up with alot of crap or if I actually don't have any problems....I can honestly say I don't have any problems...maybe its because I laugh and smile or give the kids a break every now and then...or maybe its the fact I take the time to understand and or relate to the students...I remember what it was like being one...but I think my biggest key is the fact I give them the same respect I am looking for them to give...It just goes to show you...treating people how you want to be treated does in fact work.

Saturday, February 7, 2009

i pray...

I don't pray for the answers...I pray for understanding and compassion to my life's journey and where it takes me. I don't wish to know my destination but I pray for the steady guidance and direction to lead me to the places and people that will serve my purpose in this life. I don't pray to know my meaning or my reason I pray that one day even if its not until the day I reach my final resting place that it will all come together it will all make sense...I am willing to keep walking knowing that my life will make a differnce in even just one. Maybe my life's plan is to not belong or fit until I finally do...maybe its my calling to keep moving keep living...its my sign saying this isn't it yet keep goin. I pray I know the difference. I pray that my struggles my mistakes help others to learn lessons thru my life. I pray that I always stand in aw and amazement to the mystery of life and the love of those who surround me.

I pray I know and always remember the simple blessings I am granted each morning and night. I pray I don't take for granted a single soul. I pray I never wait til tomorrow and I always realize the weight my words carry with them. I pray one day I am able to see the very gifts people see in me. I pray one day I know and see the greatness so many feel I carry within me. But more than anything I pray for those I love to feel the greatness that lies within them. I pray they all realize the blessing they are the life saver they all are in my life and in so many others.

A million thoughts a day...always thinking always praying for things in my life the lives I love and even people I will never know. I pray that someone will understand even if that someone is never me...LOVEthisLIFE something I know I will never have to send a single prayer the light and smiles and in tears...for it lies in everything everyone and everywhere...even if there are times we don't...well then I pray that its during those times we are proven wrong.