Saturday, January 31, 2009

Life just finds a way....

After a blue bird day on the mountain I reflect on my surroundings...I am beginning to realize that nature can speak to me but more importantly it speaks to my soul...and somehow it knows my soul like an old best friend...I am not sure how I can walk away thinking I had the best talk when I don't say a word...I don't know how its possible to find the guidence and direction I seek when not a word is spoken to me....yet somehow someway I stand at the summit and gaze around and take in my surroundings on Big Mountain...I take a deep breath and fill my lungs with the crisp mountian air, I inhale and exhale.... My breathin becomes slow and steady and my heart beats with ease...I am one with myself and my surroundings...I find my peace my grace my faith my hope my strength in this moment... I hope I never lose this connection that I feel with nature...I hope I always feel like one when I stop to let nature talk to my soul. I found that I no longer look at my surroundings the way I did when I was little or even yet how I might have just years I see the beauty that lies in everything my eyes take in...I see the beauty in the way the trees look like they are painted on a canvas. I see the beauty just as much in the rolling grass hills as I do as if I have taken in the mountains on the summit or if I was standing on the beach out on the coast. So much life lies in those stay in silence and let that moment fill you with peace....and you realize that somehow life just finds a way.

This fall I was hiking thru Glacier...when I looked at the landscape before me I noticed a patch of dry land with dead burnt black tree remains from a distance, part of the park that was destroyed in the 60's from a forest fire... As proceeded to hike closer and closer until I found myself in the spot my eyes had taken in...yet once I reached that area I realized it looked much different than what I thought my eyes had seen. The burnt black trees still remained but beneath the trees, life was growing...the small pines had popped up and have started to reach for the sky, there was fresh green grass that was mixed in with plants and flowers, it smelt of pine, dirt, nature and most of but surely life has found a way to rebuild found a way to still carry on after what seemed like from a distances no life exsited there anymore....and there with my eyes to bare witness life was growing again. I will never forget those two I was so sure of what I saw from a distance and how wrong I had been. I will never forget baring witness to nature and how life always just seems to find a way. Even when someone might not believe in it or has given up on it. Before that fire there laid so much beauty but perhaps after being burnt down and being forced to rebuild they are capable of creating growing and being so so much more. Than I ever thought or you and maybe even nature itself. You just have to let it take its course...

For in the end life truly just finds a way.

Broken Open

So I am wide awake with my brain running on high...gosh do I ever wish I had a power switch I could turn on and off... Please tell me I am not the only one out there where it seems like you are on cruise control-all is going fine and in a good direction at a constant speed and then out of the middle of no where you are sidelined...knocked off cruise control and you find yourself having no reason or meaning behind it...-t drives me fact I can't stand it...I know I am terribly hard on myself but the truth is I know deep down I can and should do better...and yet I know I will someday look back on this time in my life and say yup that phase sucked but it also made me who I am today in everyway--you just have to hold and and battle thru least that's what I am hoping and holding onto.

Everyone in this life has their own story their own changes challenges and struggles...reasons that are just theirs alone they don't need to make sense to anyone including themselves...they can't be judged for having can't view into their lives and start saying one shouldn't feel like this bc of this or that...just because one has the love of so many or know so many is not a get out of darkness card---that is one thing I have learned thru this phase in my life its not about how others view you its about how we view ourselves and right now in this moment I know I am capable of so much more...and I know I need to do so much more yet I am stuck in neutral and it seems like everytime I shift into gear and get going I hit a set back...and find myself back at square one...I have found taking a way all of my own isn't as cracked up as it seems yet even on my lowest days I am still proud of the path I chose because I am still holding out that someday it will all come together...someday it will all make sense...someday it will be worth it all...and in a hutge way I know I am different...I have always been a bit strange-sometimes in a good way other times in a not so good way---but its who I am and ya I mess up and make mistakes but I hope its thru those lessons of failure I grow into the person I am truly meant to be! There's got to be a reason to this sometimes maddness I live in...I have been reading a book called broken open and in a word it has saved me in every way possible and for once I feel that it is completely okay to be how I am. And its okay to not feel guilty that I don't have true answers to how I feel...I don't need to know the answers what I do need to do is to feel and live with my soul and listen to what its saying and want...for in the end it will lead me...thru this book I feel like I make sense and it brings me great comfort knowing someone else knows just what I am thinking and feeling and sometimes that's all me need and yet all we ever want! Someone who doesn't judge someone who just listens and admits they don't know the answers or what to do...I higly suggest its a book you must read...broken open!!

Wednesday, January 28, 2009

Have you ever wondered....

So this is going to be a random blog...things I wonder about...


why is it that no matter how warm a bathroom can be the toilet seat seems to be always cold?

how can it rain when the sun is shining?

how can you go months and months without hangnails and then they all of sudden over take all your fingers?

Why is it everytime you turn it to the tv guide the channel you are looking for has always JUST passed and you have to wait for it to come around again...or in my case turn the channel and say I will come back...only for this pattern to repeat itself.

No matter how hard you try you seem to always forget something when you go to the grocery store or in my case always come back with extra items and always forget the one thing you actual need.

How can one's finger nails get so dirty...sometimes I wonder if I am missing a good hour of my day where I spend that 60 mins digging in the dirt...I swear I just don't know how this happens...not matter how hard I try at the end of day its the same story.

Why is it that gas prices aren't just 1.48...its always 1.4895-really?

I don't understand why people measure things in cm and mm...i remember be in Australia and they need to put up a new sponsor board at the staduim and they had me go out and measure the board area in mm...i was like what!?!? are you kiddin me? Also this listed the height of the players in it would read Tegan Fowler center 200 cm.

Is it just me but when a clock has only the four marks showing you 12-3-6-9...does anyone else sometime have NO CLUE what time it truly is?? just me maybe??

does any one... really use algebra and calculus on a regular basics....balancing your checkbook and findin the square footage of your yard doesn't count...real algebra and calculus the kind you had to learn in high school.

I mean really how do tears work?? how does my finger move before i even know its moving? the human body AMAZES ME

Do you think people have a 6th sense when they know they are goin to die? Like how Kennedy was quoted saying he wasn't going to be along to see himself being old??

How can music speak the words when we search and search for them?

Why do we always realize just what you had or just want we want or where we want to be when its always too late?

Am I the only one who gets stuck behind a slow truck or hit every red light when i am running late?

Why can some people pull of certain things like tight jeans, pretty much dealing everything with clothes and I look like a compete idiot.

How in the world were things done way back when before all this technology...I think that is the era I want to live in...everyone seems so smart way back then...yup I for sure need to be in that era.

Why are hotdogs and hotdog buns never the same its not like I can just pick up a bag of buns and a thing of hotdogs...the numbers don't match up...good thing I don't like hotdogs or else this would drive me nuts.

Does anyone ever just laugh when they are goin thru the drive thru?? No matter how hard I try I always start laughin for no reason...its so rude and I can't help it.

Has any one else ever had a pee attack...lie out of no where you all of sudden just have to go...i don't understand this

Why do things look straight when you hang things on the wall only for you to walk away come back and realize...oh that is soo soo not straight.

Why is it whenever you are listening to someone speak if they start saying start counting how many times they say um.

OH and the list could go on and on...I am always wondering about things and how things work...whether it be dealing with the human body, how things were built or just something completely random all together...there is so much to wonder and ponder...

Tuesday, January 27, 2009

fitting in a box

I am sitting with my legs up on my desk watching the snow gently fall from a endless white gray sky while I enjoy my prep period. Today while teaching I couldn't help but look at the sea of faces that sit before me....each face has a story that is all their own...they are troublemakers, preps, nerds and jocks but they are so much more than high school we tend to stereo-type people...we want everyone to fit in this perfect box-we think that we have to fall under a certain word--jock-nerd-cheerleader-rebel...but really one word can never define us so why is it while in high school we try just that?

I see their faces and realize that there's a huge chance that at least one of them won't graduate, one will get arrested, one will get caught up in drugs and booze, one will be bullied the other the bully, one will get a full ride to play sports after college, one will feel their best years were hs bc of the spotlight they lived in and had to give up after graduation. One or two many only have a few years left on this earth, one will battle a terminal illness,all will struggle with find themselves and their place in this world one time or another, all will face changes and challenges that will forever alter their lives. Its a given that somethings in life we will never escape or avoid. We must go thru in order to find ourselves and to find happiness.

Recently I was informed of a private personal battle of someone in my life that I have complete respect and admiration had to go thru while in jr high-high school and lasted until a few years ago. After hearing their story this person would prolli think they lost all of the positive thoughts and comments I made over the years...but the truth is I have even more respect and admiration for this person...and the only thing I am bothered by or upset by is the fact this person was trapped in a world of their own darkness for so long. That this person felt like they had to wear a mask and full fill the role that so many thought this person should live in. I am more proud of this person now than I ever was back in high school. Granted it was a journey this person had to take all alone in so many ways and risk losing so many in their life-they kept walking and holding on. I know it wasn't easy at all and its prolli still not but I think after opening themselves up and telling their story this person found a whole network of support and has realize people love for the person's soul and true being...what counts the most is what lies on the inside of the skin not the outside. And the only true thing that really matters are the thoughts of those who truly care about us and not all those who don't know us.

It takes great courage sometimes to be who we really are-to admit we are not perfect-to go after what makes us happy knowing that that might upset a few in our lives and even lose a few.

So I sit and look at these young faces of tomorrow's future and I know there lies so many stories so many struggles...but its also a room filled with hope, humanity and compassion...that one day we won't stereo type. One day we won't judge someone by what lies on the outside of their skin but what lies on the inside. One day we won't judge at all and if we do we only judge ourselves. One day we will see that we all struggle we all face challenges we all are imperfect! We are all different and that is the one factor that makes us all the same.

High school is a tough time for all we want is to fit in while yet in a world where fitting in is pretty much impossible as well as completely over rated! Then add on the fact we are all trying to figure ourselves out and finding out who we are and where we are going. I say to all those who feel they are standing there its okay I am ten years out of high school and I am still tryin to find myself and know myself I just gave up on fitting into a certain box and being perfect.

What I have learned thru someone else as well as myself is this...happiness isn't based on how many amazing-caring-loving people you have in your life---or just how many people you know or friends you have.

Happiness isn't seen thru the eyes of others when they see your isn't how they think or know that so much lies in your soul-you carry so much with-so many talents and gifts to share.

Happiness isn't based on the love and friendship you have in your life.

Happiness is felt and seen in the eyes of one person only---YOU! How you see yourself-how you feel on the inside. Its your thoughts-your feelings-your own journey to from around through there and back an endless journey to happiness...filled some times more with struggles, battles, darkness and demons than it is of all the good stuff...but we keep walking anyways because those moments are worth it! We don't have to make sense on our quest and we don't need to know the way or even the need to know where we are truly going...we just need to listen to you soul and live the best we can and hopefully one day it will all make sense hopefully one day we will find our true selves and with that find personal don't worry about fitting in or being perfect worry about not being true to ourselves-not listenin to what are souls are telling us! The rest life always finds a way.

Monday, January 26, 2009


The Bison Herd made their official visit to Whitefish MT and made a lasting imprint as well as memories that will stand the test of time...Here are a few highlights....I do realize that this is an inside blog meaning besides the four of us no one else really understands...but I wanted to make sure these memories were written down somewhere...

**The arrival of the Minnesota Ski Bunnies at the Glacier International Airport (while I was in the Airport I couldn't help but wonder what international flights come in and out of Kalispell Montana? Does one flight from Canada -which by the way is like a hour away full fill the International meaning given to the name of the airport?)...Upon their arrival they were greeted with a wonderful hand-made sign bunny drawing actually pretty much Shannon was b/c she somehow got lost in the toilet and Heather came out of the gates before I could get Lindsey attention while she was looking around the gift shop.

**Hearing Shannon's airplane comments given to Heather about seeing porter potty's only to be told that no Shannon those are Silos.

**Shannon an official SKI BUNNY...all black ski suite with fur trimming.


**A double blue diamond...Shannon's reference to all slopes on the, blue or black all were called a double blue diamond.

**Seeing Dumb and Dumber wanna bees both nights out

**Starting to call for a taxi at midnite and having to wait until almost 3 am to get one.

**Tim crying, Tim tryin to get Shannon to fly home early, Tim calling to tell Shannon I love you, I miss you and goodnite around 20 times in a row...AWW he missed her!!

**LG and HH tech-no dancin'

**Shann, LG and HH love of taking photos outside in a snowbank every 10 mins in -5 below weather.

**What is the only word that end with MT? ask HH SMELT...
Shann...oh is this one of those trick questions...i know...EMPTY..MT...

**What is Coconut Milk asks Heather...Shannon replies...its Coconuts but Milk.

**Shannon taking out two girls who had no idea what they were doin on a double blue diamond...aka the ANT HILL.

**All I want is Breakfast and Coffee...this isn't the way to breaktfast and coffee...Shannon informing this to HH and I while taking her down a slope first in order to get to the Big Drift.

**Charmin...toilet paper sparked WW III between HH and Belly....but a peace treated was signed in the end.

**You really hurt my feelings...HH what? how? LG by calling me black and white...HH thinking to herself...I can't even say anything because I can't remember anything dealing with WW III

**LG talking to Mike on the phone at 2am only for him to say hold on I have another call...LG gets a confused look on her face...only to hear across the table me saying...HI MIKE..

**Shannon getting lost in the dark night skiing...almost dying...almost freezing to death...almost fearing for her know the story...turns out she was just fine.

**Hung-over Shannon's skiing skills turn out to be very fact she falls over just standing.

**Lindsey is the slowest best skiier ever according to HH

**Shann "You both sux balls HH and MD...well malt balls balls.

**Eating at the Red Cabose and HH not able to say how much she was in love with her meal because she was proving a that she couldn't remember thou

**Getting into our bather aka swim suits to go hot tubing only to walk over to the hot tub and realize we can't sneak in if there are 7 people already in the tub.

**Lindsey head butting my beer while tryin to head bang to music resulting in another knot to make a set of twins on her forehead.

**Shannon getting caught on the chairlift with fitness Graham.."you need to give up coffee and tone and do yoga...Mike and I do yoga and we love it." Shannon "I am not a yoga person."

**I drink coffee and coffee has no calories...what kind of diet are you on??

**What complext world are you living in?? "I don't deserve to be treated like this!!!" Are you listening to ANYTHING that i am saying??

**I want to drink coffee!! NOT put on 50 layers and have a ski workout....all I want is breakfast!!

**HH's yard sale on a diamond slope...sliding down on her butt while I climbed to help her get her skis.

**HH getting mad after getting whitewashed...LG and Shann thinking they were goin to die when they got whitewashed.

**HH's new favorite word to say at all times when when it so so doesn't apply or the convo has nothing to do with her F U...really HH

**I am not hungry...I am upset...turns out over onions and peppers.

**HH passing out on the snowbus goin into town

**Heather telling in words like I should be proud that she is drinking water...I reply are also drinking a bloody mary.

**At the store LG says we don't need beer I already got beer for the weekend..Shann...she has a case of 18 I will drink that alone.

**Shannon saying to can tel who knows how to drink after watching LG and HH dance around like goons while Her and I sat on the couch just chillin.

**Garlic burbs

**Bulldog's x-rated bathroom stalls

**Shannon pace of drinking 4 to HH's 1

**Photo shoot at Glacier

**A sign at the gift shop coffee 1 dollar...Shann "MAMA G will you buy me some coffee."

**Shann informing me all she wants to do is sit and drink coffee and read at the summit...only to get there and have me ask...did you bring something to read? Shann...NO Me asking did you bring money? Shannon...ahh proli should have I wasn't shakin my head and sayin thats all you were talking about...oh lou

**Me standing outside and coming back in because one I am cold and two I am hungry

**Shann spending 45mins on my blackberry tryin to get out of facebook

**HH always getting upset with me for stopping and waiting on the slopes...only to go skiing with me which resulted in my losing her because I didn't stop and wait.

**Shann at the Hu Hot I just like alot of sauce...see I move the food around and I like to sit sauce.

**LG isn't this amazing that God made this...GB GB

**Listenin to endless Missy Higgins songs only to hear Shann say play anything but her please

**Constant fighting between LG nd HH over whether to listen to Missy or Keri

**"Well should we talk about it? Talk about what? I don't know...maybe WW III??

**What happens after one too many wines and one too many whiskeys

**HH getting feed flour shells by Shann

**HH and Shan giving timed neck rubs and Shann tryin to always get 5 more mins out of HH

**The best part of this weekend is the BISON HERD coming together...smiling, laughing, making memories and yes even fighting...but loving every minute of being together...These girls are people I know I will have in my life FOREVER...because no matter what we do, how we act, what we say, if you tease-fight or tork each other off we still find them right by our side. true friends that you feel safe to speak your mind-act like a complete moron-say completely stupid things...For you know they are never laughing at you...but always with you and no matter what will always have your back...Friends like these are rare and hard to come by....Thanks girls for a great you

Wednesday, January 21, 2009

Sometimes I just don't know.

There have been two things that have literally driven my up a wall...and if I have to see these two things again I just might lose my mind...The first has to deal with a commerical that you see on of those info-mericals....trying to get you to buy something....I believe its 59.95 and comes in three different colors...why anyone would buy one of these in the first place yet along in three different colors is beyond me...its called the Snuggie...its a wrap up blanket that allows you to be hands wear it...also know as a ROBE...The commerical makes this look like the best invention ever UNTIL they start wearing this thing places that one never should...I am not sure what i would like if i saw a famliy of four each wearing a snuggie at an outdoor game nor I am not sure what I would think if I saw them gathered around a campfire...I don't like to make fun of people but come on...this is just asking for it...yes they will be warm but it also looks like they belong to some cult....everytime i see the commerical i do get a good laugh in.

The second involves the signal that tvs get to pick up cable channels switching over to digital...YES WE ALL GET have ran these warnings since at least October...WE UNDERSTAND that starting at the end of February if you don't have the right signal or a receiver your tv will not work...I know we can be dumb Americans from time to time but we can read and don't need to be warned of this action every night on the hour of every just makes me shake my head...BECAUSE i know their will be someone out there at the end of Feb...who comes home and turns on their tv and are leave completely dumb-founded on why their television isn't working...and will then call the cable company and complain...only to prove that they should have ran the message just can't win.

While of the subject of commericals...I have never seen a commerical so well put together and then ruined by what song they put in the background...The animal rescue not meant to be funny yet everytime I see it and then starting hearin the song in the background set to Angel by Sarah McLachlan I lose it...I know its not meant to be funny in any way yet all I can do is laugh when I see it...and trying not to laugh tends to only make me laugh harder.

There are some dumb things out there for us to buy but what makes it even more humorous is the fact that there are people out there who buy these crazy things...I have to laugh when they say if you can in the next ten minutes we will double your order for free...does this mean business is either so good they can throw in a free one OR does this mean that business is so bad they don't want to get stuck with any of them and they just want to be over with it....The killer on the Snuggie commerical is that not only do you get two snuggies for one but they will also throw in two book if my mind wasn't made up and I had to get two book lights thrown in to make it a sure yes...Humor you can find it everywhere you look.

Tuesday, January 20, 2009


"Today I say to you that the challenges we face are real. They are serious and they are many. They will not be met easily or in a short span of time. But know this, America - they will be met.

On this day, we gather because we have chosen hope over fear, unity of purpose over conflict and discord.

The time has come to reaffirm our enduring spirit; to choose our better history; to carry forward that precious gift, that noble idea, passed on from generation to generation: the God-given promise that all are equal, all are free, and all deserve a chance to pursue their full measure of happiness.

Time and again these men and women struggled and sacrificed and worked till their hands were raw so that we might live a better life. They saw America as bigger than the sum of our individual ambitions; greater than all the differences of birth or wealth or faction.

For we know that our patchwork heritage is a strength, not a weakness.

With hope and virtue, let us brave once more the icy currents, and endure what storms may come. Let it be said by our children's children that when we were tested we refused to let this journey end, that we did not turn back nor did we falter; and with eyes fixed on the horizon and God's grace upon us, we carried forth that great gift of freedom and delivered it safely to future generations." -Barack Obama January 20, 2009...
Over two million people crowded the Mall of Washington D.C. Many standing in line since 5 am, battling the cold and chances are didn't really see anything...but they were there...They witnessed history...they have the braggin right to say...I WAS THERE...People lined the streets, packed every window, stood on roof tops...all cross the nation...all around the world people from all walks of life turned their attention and listened to the face of hope...the face of change...whose shoulders carry our nations biggest problems and tasks to over come...He is our nation's leader...a job that requires you to be surpreme, perfect and flawless...he stood steady, confident and remained grounded and so humble...he is human and he admits he will make mistakes...but he vows to learn and grow and no matter what not give in to the fight....I can't imagine what it would have been like to be in D.C. today...I was moved on so many levels by just watching the events of today thru my television...the 1,000s of flags that waved in the crowds, the chants of O-BAMA..O-BAMA, just a simple shot of a young child dressed in a snowsuite---the future of this nation, seeing the faces filled with smiles and tears, watching those who have differences stand together and look towards a future filled with hope...a new time has come...a new path awaits for us to embrack on...a new course to take...and a new future to reach...Thou it will take much change and things will get worst before they can get better but our hope will lead us and it will be our strength from not just our beings and neighbors but esp all those who have gone before us...who gave so much of themselves of their lives not to have a better world for themsevles and not even for their children's children...but for you and me...That kind of living has faded...and its that kind of living that will bring us back to the values that matter and they way America should and always be.
I look know to see what I can do with my life that is bigger than my life...the change that I can do to be a part of this great nation...the service and the difference that I can do...For in the end all it takes is for each of us to give of ourselves...To want a better tomorrow for ourselves, for our neighbors and for the future which we may never see...Barack Obama...who brought back the visions of some of our great leaders...Washinton, Lincoln, Kennedy and King to name a few...Barack Obama...our face of hope our face of change...Change is already starting in this very moment...a new America is sitting in the horizon for us to reach...our journey as an united nation starts today.

Monday, January 19, 2009


Today actually the last two days i realize that i am so not ready for kids anytime soon...after dog sitting and playin with Arlou for the last two days i realize that if a dog...a puppy is this much work a child will be even more...i don't think i said NO...NO...NO...bad dog...leave it...this is not yours...NO NO NO ARLOU! Its all sugar and spice when she sleeps and cuddles right next to you...however just when i think this...Arlou would let one pass and slap me back into reality...its hard not to when her farts fill up the entire room forcing you to breathe thru your clothing...i do realize things are different when a dog or a person is yours and your complete responsibity....i think everything changes when you realize that is your job to care for, teach, nuture, love...however after watching Marti this morning yelling at Arlou multi times maybe did bring a smile to my face because I could just smile and laugh and not be the one yelling and enforcing the law....I also like how that during these times Arlou runs to me for protection... i am that aunt that spoils and protects i guess...and i am all about hanging and having arlou time but i have found i love to give her back....yet the more that i do watch her the more i think that maybe my life is ready to take on the caring and loving of another living life...maybe getting a puppy is something that thou would be alot of work end up being something life full filling...someone who is always here-someone to talk to other than my own voice from time to time.....

Then just when i have my mind made up...Arlou does something that slaps me back into reality and then i maybe i can wait a bit longer for this adventure to start with another living life to care for...yes in fact i can....but someday. Til then i will spoil protect and watch arlou from time to time and get my filling and then...give her back....for once i have my back isn't something that is in the list of things i can do.

Saturday, January 17, 2009

We remember...

There are certain people in our life...that makes our entire life...they make all the difference...they are the ones that ground us yet also give us wings...they are the ones that let us know that we matter in this life....Without these people this life is really is left without a meaning....I am thankful for such people...who take the time, who reach out, who love me, who encourage me, who inspire me, who do more than they realize by the love and friendship that they give to me...I don't deserve such people...yet I seem to always find myself surrounded by their love and caring ways.

Today marks a 6 month anniv. of a life taken all too soon, whose passing seemed to leave behind so many unanswered questions that we never seem to find any reason or answers too...I know it was a hard day esp for his wife, family and all his friends...who haven't stopped missing him since that July day that he was taken from this life....A day that changed everything about life for so many who love and miss him so dearly...I know all they wish for is to see his face...see that hear his laughter fill up a just hold him and hug him..I wish that is something I could snap my fingers and allow to happen right now in this moment..but its impossible...instead I wish you to be covered in a blanket of memories and of moments spent with him filled with smiles, laughter, love and simply just Ben...I wish for you to feel his arms around you embracing you with all of his love letting you know that he misses you just as much as you miss him...May you feel his presence and strength to let you know that he is alright and all he wants is for you to be happy, for you to smile, for you to laugh. Grieving is an endless journey that only seems to end when we find ourselves with that person again...but here is discovering the healing power that is found in HOPE...hope in a better tomorrow...hope that one day it won't hurt as much to remember...hope that you will find the strength to let happiness back into your life thoughts are with you all...and Ben know that you are missed and always loved.

So many people have days like many remember the date that a loved one is taken and each year this is an especially hard day that they must face...yet there are also those month anniv. that are just as hard...and still each day in itself can be a struggle...Many people are blessed with so much thats its almost many people reaching out, calling, sending cards, bringing food, stopping over in those first few days right after someone is taken...that spills onto the week leading to the funeral and this remains for a while after...but then life settles in again and people without meaning to move goes on...yet for those who suffer the loss the hardest are left standing still in a world that seems to be spinning out of control....BUT know many people still many people!! Some on certain days...some something reminds them of the person who is gone and their thoughts turn to remembering....each chose to remember in their own way in their own time...which in it self a blessing because that means theres a chance that someone is always thinking of the person who is no longer with us....Remember this on your hard days when you think you are alone, when you think that people have forgotten, that no one are wrong...we never forget the people we love in our lives, we never forget souls who make a difference, we never forget the beings that brought us smiles, made us laugh and shared a friendship & love with us....its impossible too...I remember all those that I have lost daily each in their own way, each in their own thoughts recall my moments and memories that I was blessed to share with each of them in this life and I await the day when those souls are the ones who lead me into paradise.

Friday, January 16, 2009

Walking thru their lives...

I was watching CSI last night saying goodbye to Grissom...however you spell it...anyways there was this part at the very end of the show where he is leaving the department for the last time...and the way they filmed it was well done and just touching in a way I can't really put my words on it...Its a mix between him seeing everything he is leaving behind yet also how life goes on...all those that he guided, mangaged and so on were busy at work...and he had this proud smile one his face that left you thinking how proud he was of all of them, how proud he was to be a part of this, how confident he believes in those people that all will be fine even without him...

That scence got me thinking....and I know its not something that happens right away, in fact it something that takes much to get to that point but maybe those that we have lost do just that...there's that one day where they are granted to walk thru the lives of us they had to leave behind...We don't know because we don't see them...but they can walk thru our lives and see that thou it took some time much time we found life again...we found happiness...that even thou they are no longer here with us we found a way to carry on...even if we didn't want too...I imagine how much those moments mean to those souls we can no longer see...How would I know...because I can't imagine my life being the soul source of pain, of tears, of despair, of not wanting to go on because I am not there...

Death robs us like a theif in a dark night of those simple moments of happiness and love with people we just always count on being there...we count on being able to see their faces, hear their laughter, feel their touch...and when we are robbed of that it feels as thou life is missing something oh so huge...oh so important....We feel that our smiles aren't the same and our laughter is less profound...BUT then one day we find those smiles and that laughter in a way of not even looking for it...and its part of us day comes and its a bit easier to allow happiness back in our lives...we never forget...ever...but by some grace it becomes easier...I like to think that grace comes from the person or persons we are missing...the loved ones that we lost...that feeling that covers you like a warm blanket is them helping us to carry live life to its very fullest even when we don't really feel like it....its their way of saying I want you to live a life in the same way you would have if I was there...

I would like to think that's someone true official belonging into when they don't have to worry oh so much what their being not in this world is causing...the endless tears and pain. Its not about being forgotten or not missed and thought about...but its that feeling of knowing that they are carryin on and they are finding happiness, they are smiling, they are laughing...That has to be a good feeling to see.

I hope one day when that time comes for walk thru the lives of those that I love and I see endless smiles and laughter that just echoes from every corner of their being...I hope to see tears rolling down their cheeks when they think of me but only because they are laughing and smiling so hard from a story being told about me..some crazy funny memory...Thats where I want to be found when I am no longer able to be seen in this life...I wanted to be remembered in laughter, in smiles...And thats just where I remember those that I have lost...its never a simple easy journey to get to this point in takes time...and there are still days I fall off and feel like I have to climb all over again...but I know that's what they want...they want to see my smile and hear my laughter...they want to see me happy and simply just living my life.

Thursday, January 15, 2009

Let Go...

I wanna let go...of worry and doubt
giving it up...I am laying it down.
take it away..out of my hands..out of my reach
and safe in your plans....Coz i need to know...that you can hear me.

Take me and hold me
break me and mold me
I want to let go

Craddle my hands...knuckles so white.
Open that map and say its all right
Show me your plan, call it your own.
Make it a journey ...leading me home
Coz I need to know...that you can hear me.
Fill me with your peace...Lindsay McCaul "Let Go"

LETTING GO...we fight to hold on..we fight to let go..and somewhere we find ourselves in the middle...letting go of mistakes, of failure, of dreams, of hopes, of worry, of despair, of doubt, of the unknown and what will be...letting go of love, of tears, of hurt, of pain...letting go of friendships, of how things "use to be." Letting go of the past...So many things to let go of...I once heard someone say that if we hold on too tight on the past we won't have room to embrace the future...If we can't smile thru the tears then whats the point of still living...bad things happen each and every second...I will never begin to understand the WHY's in any of it...I don't understand how two people who found each other and are meant to be together find themselves in a world that won't allow them to be together...I don't understand a person who is educated and responsible is laid off and can't find a job no matter how hard they try...I don't understand how a girl who is young and truly beautiful and just kind is the target for cruel jokes, hatred stares and gossip laughs...I don't understand the hate, the crime, the abuse, the violence that some people have to live thru whether it be for just one moment or for their entire life...I don't understand a person taken all too soon from this world....I don't understand how a family carries on...I don't know how a parent truly breaths again after a loss of a child...I search and search looking for reasons...But there never are any are there...Yet in that moment I realize you are left standing between two things...HOPE and DESPAIR...You can either go one of two places...head south or head north....Thou it doesn't matter what journey might have lead you to those two points...its never easy...and its a choice you have make more than once...sometimes its a choice you battle with each and every second....AS hard as it is I look to HOPE...hope in the human spirit, hope in love, hope for a better tomorrow, hope for understanding, hope that my best is still yet to be, hope that one day it will all make sense...and thats what I wish for so many...HOPE ... so you know you aren't alone in your journey of pain, of worry, of saddness, whatever journey you may be all journeys of life...

Today may be the day you let go...or maybe its the day you loosen your grip or even just think about the day in the future...letting go doesn't mean simple means making room to embrace, to endure, to feel, to love and to live more...Someone very wise said...Sorrow craves the hole that someday love will make whole....letting go...its a journey all in its in which we fight to hold on and we fight to let go...

Tuesday, January 13, 2009

What will they say...

We as humans know that we are born...we live and then each of us in our own way and in our own time will die...Some taken before even given the chance to live, some after an endless battle of tryin to live...Some we get a chance to say goodbye others taken to fast before we can even begin to find the words...Some before any sign of wrinkles upon their skin others a body that shows a life well lived. I don't know if we each have a sign death stating this is what will happen and when it will happen sort of thing or if its a sort of thing like this person will live to be 24 years 4 months 12 minutes and 38 seconds and when that moment arrives death will find a way to take you in that exact moment..maybe its all random...maybe its all planned...maybe we each serve a purpose and when that purpose is seen and known our time is done...but the truth is...we don't and i don't think we will know those answers in this life....I don't know where we go for sure when we leave this life...but I do know what happens to the lives that are left behind.

Its in those lives that our legacies are lived...its where we cont. to live on this earth long after we are thru walking it...thru the memories we make with the people in our lives...these people are the ones that remember us and miss us....I am always baffled and yet not surprised at all how a person's death seems to bring out such words amazing person, the best brother or the best sister, the most loving parent, the most loyal friend. When a person dies I find that we, the ones that are left behind frame their being in this frame of being flawless, of being perfect. Why is that...because I know that being human means being everything but perfect. So why do we chose to in a way hold people up to standards in such a way....When my time comes I don't want to be looked at in any way of being perfect, I don't wanted to be framed as flawless. I would hope that I am remembered as someone who made mistakes...a whole lot of them...but always made sure she learned from each one of them...I would hope that I am remembered as someone who always found a smile and laughter in all corners of life....I would hope that I am remembered as someone you gave of herself even when at times thats all she had to give or offer...I would hope that I am remembered someone who took the time to make people feel like they matter and make a difference....I would hope that I am remembered as someone might not have had a clue of the direction she was goin but she kept moving....I would hope that I am remembered as someone who found the beauty the true beauty life holds because she took her time( ok so I really took my time ) she wasn't in a rush...I would hope above all to be known as someone whos mistakes and messes can also help someone else learn thru them. I would hope above all to be someone who found reasons everyday to LOVEthisLIFE...I would hope above all that I am remembered with a smile and a laugh then to be remembered with tears, pain and regret.

Sometimes we get caught up with living, we don't see the life that we are in...Are we treating people in the way that we would be remembered in a positive light? Are we giving ourselves and helping others? Are we living a life in a way that if we are taken tomorrow...would you be happy with the legacy you are leaving behind? So many say this one thing its seems after a person is taken from this life...I wish...I wish I would have told her or him how much I loved them...I wish they knew this or that...I have seen my share of death..and I would hope that if I learned anything from the passing of some amazing people it would be to not wait to tell someone how much they mean to me, to not wait to say I love you, to not wait to let them know the difference they have made in this life and my life...Why do we wait...Why do the words and thoughts only seem to come when its too late?...

When that time comes and our lungs are filled with air for the last time. As we part from this life...what will they say about you and the life you lived? Who will you be remembered as? What will your legacy be?? Maybe we won't know...but I do know this...your legacy is a reflection of the life you lived...the person you are to those you leave behind...and the only thing we can change and have control of when it comes to death is the person we chose to be now....So take a look around your life...being perfect and flawless is not only overrated but impossible...but being the best you--you can be to the depths of your soul is possible...being kind and caring is completely embrace life and the people in your life with compassion, love and understanding is something you can do each and everyday...We have the power to change things in our lives if we are living a life we wouldn't be proud of...its never to late to be a better version of ourselves...its never to late to be the friend we always wanted to each person in our lives...its never to late to say the words i love you, thank you and your welcome...don't count on being remembered as perfect and flawless....for that is a legacy that will never last....Four words always cross my mind when I look at my life...what will they say...and if isn't something I would be proud to be remembered as...I know I have things I can work on...things that I can change...

What will they say???

Monday, January 12, 2009

Morning Sunrises...

I feel like this is the most beautiful time of the day that is completely un-rated. While I love sunsets I have a huge weakness for sunrises. There is so much beauty and hope as the sun rises. A new day, a new start, a new beginning, a new chance, a new challenge...So much promise can be found as I look at the way the colors the sun casts with its rays that affects everything as it reflects upon the trees, water, buildings, mountains, and the landscape that surrounds me. It is really one of the purest things on this earth...and most well many miss it because they are still covered up sleeping in bed.

The sight of it makes me relax and just breathe----and let go..My goal is to see the sun rise in people, to see that beauty in the human spirit in everyone that I encounter...Esp the ones that are hard to understand, that are challenging to know and sometimes love. I feel that everyone has beauty in them...but we as people choose to see what is right in front of our eyes in that moment...and forget about the sunrises and sunsets that are amazing in one's soul.

For you see not everyone awakes in time to see how each day is touched by the hand of greatness and is given to us at dawn to do with this day anything we want...its a gift that only comes once...and if you are lucky you are granted another the next day...but TODAY will never be again...days may come close to it but never completely the same...Like sunrises and sunsets...what lies before your eyes is something rare and filled with beauty that can only be found in that moment and once its will never come again.

Saturday, January 10, 2009

Aunt Shelley

If there is someone who I look and act well just like its prolli this lady...And well I couldn't be more proud when someone in my family tells me I am just like her....Without really knowin I feel that her and I have more than just look alike and acting traits that make us so much alike...As I look at my life and than hers I would like to say that she is prolli the one person that knows what I am feeling and talking about. She ventured off alone and made a life that is and has been just hers. She trusted her gut and thou at times it wasn't easy she stayed true to herself...and in the end found her own personal happiness because she didn't fold her cards, she didn't give up...she kept believing and living...Her life motivates me in so many ways...the way she lives her life and the love she gives is something that I hope was passed on to me...Her love for her family and husband is carried with her and written all over her...its in her voice, in her hugs, in her smile, in her laughter and in her eyes. She has been nothing but just amazing to entire life I remember her being this blonde hair blue eyed gal that would fill the room with her laughter and knew when she was there...the room lite up with her presence...she would always make time to be with me and my brothers when she visited...always had gifts for us to let us know that she was always thinking of us even thou she was far from sight.
I know life in some ways didn't turn out the way that she had planned...some plans changed, some roads ended, some dreams never came true and others faded...but even when she came to those endings she didn't stop living, she carried on...with grace and strength and found another dream to chase and another road to embark on...I know she shedded her share of tears and dealt with darkness as much as anyone else...but I can only remember her strength and her smile. She found other ways to give meaning to her life and complete her life...She is one tough lady because not everyone can find laughter and smiles in all corners of life...but she does...
I know she misses my grandmother prolli well even way more than me in ways I prolli can't even begin to understand....But what she doesn't know is just how much Granny is a part of much of my grandmother can be found in her...Her hugs feel just like Granny's...She has that way of carrying love in her know the kind where you swear you can hear what love sounds like....For when I called my grandmother whether I be down the road just coming to the house or in my college dorm room or somewhere travellin thru Australia...I could hear the love in my grandmother's voice over the phone...its the same way when I talk to Granny's youngest....When I see Shelley after long periods of time...I swear the way she stands and the smile that she gives me is like I am seeing my grandmother at that age...for without even knowing it Shelley claps her hands and spreads her arms out in the same exact way Granny always did while waiting to wrap me in a hug...and I am so grateful that Shelley carries that one trait with her without even knowing...Because there's been only one other person that had such a gift of making me feel so loved, cared about and thought about in such a special and rare way...the kind of way that made you feel like they had just been waiting for you to walk in the door...the kind of way that made you feel like they had just been waiting for the phone to ring and for you to be on the other line....Mother like Daughter...and the best part is like Granny..Shelley not just makes me feel that love but everyone that she loves and cares first name...named after Rochelle Goldmann...most think I am like my father...which is prolli true...They both have blonde hair and the same eyes...and its a toss up on who I am really more alike...But I know this...more and more people have begun calling me Shelley...yea its a shorter form of Michelle...but what most people don't know is the meaning that name Shelley carries with it....I just hope I can full fill that name in the same matter my Aunt Shelley always has and still does...its an honor and a blessing to be named after someone so special, so rare, so kind, and so filled with love and laughter.

Friday, January 9, 2009


RUBY CUBE...I know you are worried...but don't be...all will be fine...thou it seems like we are miles away from each other and forever since we have had that connection with each other...but you know what....I am right here...I am always right here...and the bond we share will never fade or weaken...even if we think it might...its you and me kid...its been that way since the very start and will remain that way forever...even long after we leave this planet...maybe its because I know you see me, you hear me, you know me...without seeing, without hearing and without me drive me nuts punk because I am miles and miles and miles away and you just know my voices, you know even the different ways I rush people off the phone and what they always just know don't you...HOTSHOT...well I know make me proud...everyday! by being simply and fully just you! I know somehow because I was there from the start (well practical) and I was there thru it all...that somehow...the very best of me is found in your smiles, in your love, in your kindness, in your caring, in your giving, in your laughter...I am proud beyond words to see and know the person you are...the woman you are...the friend you are...and maybe just maybe I had something to deal with shaping, finding and growing into that person and being that person...well if I am lucky...for so long you always said your strength was me but did you know that along even thru the pain, tears, saddness and darkness and to this moment right now and will be mine. I MISS YOUR FACE punk... I MISS MY SISTER...heck thou...I would miss if you were in the house just down the are a rockstar like that.

Thursday, January 8, 2009

25 random facts, goals, habits...

So my friend Kelcey tagged in her 25, so this is my sharing with the world my 25...

1. I believe that ketcup should be counted in the same way as eating a vegatable..I can never have enough or too much of it.

2. I am a terrible dancer...I have no moves, no rhythm...but I do have one weakness to make me sprint straight to the dancefloor...AC/ me stiff upper lip, shock me all night long, tnt, highway to hell, hells bells...and well I will dance like I do when I have liquid courage--once in this state of mind I truly believe I am the best dancer ever...only to awake the next morning after seein pictures posted on facebook that I was way way wrong!

3. I am positive that I lost important life knowledge because I chose to remember useless, stupid random facts that I will never use anywhere unless I am called on a movie/ celebrity life triva game show.

4. I am THE worse or is it worst speller EVER...I once sat in line at target for over 10 mins tryin to figure out how to spell 13.00 dollars...after watchin me struggle and knowing along Rebecca ended my spelling embrassment and helped me out but not before she got a good laugh in.

5. I am convinced that One Tree Hill is not a tv show but actual life...For that is not only a show I watch but its also where I go for counseling, advice and help dealin with my life.

6. Chelsea Handler is the one person I want to meet...I don't think anyone can make me laugh as hard as she does...her show is a must before I can go to bed at night...she is blunt, rude, straight up, doesn't think before she speaks, doesn't care and out of control funny.

7. I HATE ONIONS...but will eat funonions and very crispy onion rings...I think it has to deal more with the salt factor and being deep fried.

8. When I am driving long distances alone and get bored or tired I pretend that I am on Oprah being interviewed....sometimes I get very very into it and realize that I am not really on her butter colorish couch but in fact still in "Gary" driving down the highway.

9. I have no idea if my favorite color is blue or green...I go back and forth telling people blue then some green..while the whole time not knowing if my favorite color is more blue or more green....its not like people say my favorite color is eggplant or malt ball yellow...its yellow or purple...

10. I am obsessed with finding music before its really played on the radio or becomes over played...By the time most music is being played over and over on the radio I am already on to finding something new...however I do realize that this might get me in trouble one day with downloadin...but thanks to itunes I might avoid jail for another couple of years.

11. I HATE having my feet touched by anyone but me...I also HATE everyone else's feet...i can handle baby's feet because well for the most part they are clean, soft and most of the time perfect....well I am on babies...i have a hard time being around strange lookin babies when the parents have no clue...i hope if I have such a child someday I would know-if not I would hope a true friend would tell me.

12. I have many many friends...I have my childhood friends, high school friends, camp friends, college friends, friends of friends, aussie friends, whitefish friends, work friends, coaching-teaching friends, family friends yet I never feel like I have too many...ya some of them I am out of touch with, and some I may never see again...they are still apart of my life and always will be...for each person brings you a piece of yourself thru their learn you gain and if just that one person was taken from my life I would be left feeling incomplete. LIFE lies in relationships.

13. I have found that my strengths lie in my struggles, in my failures, in my mistakes, in my mess ups.

14. I use to lick the butter off the microwave popcorn bags...because of this habbit that took me years to break I still can't eat microwave popcorn alone feelin that the urge to tear open the bag and lick might become to strong.

15. I love to capture life's moments for people thru photography...I love to do simple things for the people I love in my life to show them that they are special...yet I hate being recongized for doing such things...I hate getting compliments...I don't do such things to see what I can get for doing them.

16. In order for me to truly sleep I have to be on my stomach...this one fact may ruin any chance of my being preg-o...9 months of sleepin on my back...get real!

17. I love to be active and workout...but I can't stand working out with people that I know....I tend to do more talking and get side track and the next thing I know I would rather be drinkin a beer than drinking H2O.

18. Whenever I am with my family or my knitting circle I tend to sit kind of out of the picture...not because I don't want to be there but because I love watching them being together...I like to remove myself from the convo so I can see their smiles, hear their laughter and voices...its my way of paintin a memory that I will always remember and take with me.

19. I have a habbit of chewing the inside of my mouth...which I have found that if I am caught chewing-biting the inside of my lip I am just bored...if its the corner and side of my cheeks usually means I am in intense thought or stressed without knowing...Due to this habbit I struggle and in complete pain if I have to be numbed by the denist...I will chew and tear mouth tissue and end up on pain killers.

20. I love to travel and I have found I can be with a group of people or just alone by myself...I love to wonder off alone and photograph my new surroundings for endless hours...

21. I can't sew or anything home ec. related to save my life....while in hs i spent a good two weeks making bookmarks out of ribbon...the teacher approached me and informed me if I wanted to pass the class I would have to actually make something other than a ribbon bookmark...didn't matter if I made over 100 in a range of 25 different I tried to knit a blanket...I was good at this but didn't have a clue how to switch back over and start a new I would have my sophmore friends do it for me at the beginning of each class...this ended with me making a quilt that would cover two king size beds pushed together---BUT only covering their feet-i thought it was practical because sometimes people just have cold feet...after that failure I spent a week tryin to learn how to sew with a sewing machine in order to actually sew fabric you had to pass the worksheets of sewing in on the dotted line paper...lets just say I had to get an underclassmate to do it to pass...then it was on to the making of a pillow...something that I am so proud of...granded it took me a month to make one of those small throw pillows doesn't was my pride and joy...for my next attempt at making boxer shorts ended with me having one leg short and one leg capri pants with a lion on them.... I am not sure how i ever passed that class....i think it might have involved buying cookies for the sophmores so they would do projects for me....

22. I hate gossip and talking trash..You know the kind of talk that belittles someone or you know you wouldn't be talking about such things if that person was there...I can't stand it and it makes me competely uncomfortable.

23. I have an obsession with being organized, neat and clean...yet have no problem with messes if I am the one that made them.

24. I have a great way of using my disability/handicap of being deaf in one ear as an advantage...for hearing-i use this if I don't want to listen to someone or if someone is talking about something I care not to hear...I turn and give them my left ear. If someone is snorin I sleep on my right ear....If I know I will have an emotional goodbye with someone and I don't want to shed tears like a waterfall I give them my left ear....however I do know I prolli lost out on hearing much good because I was on someone's its an never ending game of give and take.

25. I have my own language...Michellish...yes it is a langauge that I am fluent in and I am actually the one who carries the Webester of knowledge in..aka the master...Many have been exposed to Michellish as well as its shorter slang version called Hellish...Better yet there are over a handful who have become fluent in this complex language of Michellish which gives them the great power of...understand me.

Grateful for 2008

As I was reading one of my favorite blogs by one of my favorite people I was remind of something special something great...that I had yet to even think about...So I am being a bit of a copycat and doing the same thing...hope that okay Bee.

2008 brought many blessings...

Family Ski Trips to Whitefish
Keri Noble Concert(s)
Another year with Gramps and Grandma
Fun out in Oregon and Washington
Griz games and tailgating
Bridget's wedding
Knittin Circle gatherings
Becoming a blogger
Taking in the sights of Kentucky, Maryland and Virginia
Time with my Packer Punks
New friends
Finding my passion in photography
Janelle finally having the job she was in search for
The return of the AUSSIES
A true white xmas with family and friends
Answers to my health questions
Kaye Gold Photography taking off
My two worlds meeting and becoming fast friends
The birth of friends' babies
KATO fun with the girls
Friends that truly care
Living life on a mountain in the FiSH
A flame sparked again between two people who are meant to be together (congrats LG)
New relationships, Engagements, Weddings & Preggos for people I'm so proud to call my friends
Seeing the smiles and hearing the laughter for those that mean the world to me
Another 365 days of living, learning and growing
Being blessed with 2009 and all that is to come

2008 also saw the lives of some pretty great people taken all too soon...I keep K.Toop, Ryan, Ben and so many others who are now longer with us as well as their loved ones in my thoughts. May you be there when my day comes to lead me into paradise.

2009 is here...who knows whats to come or what will be...there will be pain and tears but I am positive it will also be filled with smiles and laughter...May it be the best year ever to all those that I love and care about.

Wednesday, January 7, 2009


We never know where this life will take us.
We never know when we will take our last breathe.
Life is an endless ride thru the ups, downs, curves and coasting down the road.
We smile, we laugh, we dream, we fail, we cry, we fall, we try, we struggle.
We search for the answers, we search for the reasons, we search for ourselves.
We make those we love proud-we also let them down and at times hurt.
We try so hard to be perfect but only truly are perfectly imperfect.
LIFE...its right now in this moment...the sand is slowly falling thru your hands. doesn't lie in the past...and tomorrow you can't count on for sure having.
LIFE...its easy to see the good in it when the tide is goin your way. see the true beauty in has to be tough. are you living yours?
LIFE...its short and here and gone before you know it...are you where you want to be?
LIFE...who ever said THEY know the way? THEY know the answers? THEY are right??
Who are THEY anyways??
LIFE...its yours to use or waste away.
LIFE...its today...its right now...and it won't stop or wait for you!

Tuesday, January 6, 2009


The snow is falling softly down from a white gray sky. As the snow blankets my surroundings, I stare out my window and just look at the world that lies outside my double sliding glass windows. Why does everything look perfect covered in snow? The white flakes hide the brown grass, the mud and muck...Everything that is exposed as its true being come Spring is right now in a word fact it simply takes your breath away by the site that lies before your eyes...In this moment...I sit in Silence...for in this moment...I am in Peace...I am in a state of Grace...All the chaos, the stresses, the worries, the drama, the fears....have faded.

I am not sure what the connection Nature has on me...but I feel like it understands me...not only does it understand understands knows what truly matters...The beauty in nature is that its just not for me or for you...but for all of us...We can all find ourselves...Its in a perfect sunset with a mixture of blues, purples, reds, and oranges....Its in the crashing and constant beating of the waves hitting the shore....Its in softly falling snowflakes gently covering the ground....Its in a never ending crisp cold wind that never lets up....Its in a thunderstorm fuming thru the country side...Its in a raging sea tossing a ship back and forth....Its a bright colorful rainbow stretchin its arch across the land...Its in a perfectsunny day with its rays warming your skin....I have been places and have taken in nature sights that leave you paralyzed of speech...For taking in such sights is a moment when you know you aren't seening with your eyes but you with your soul....

I remember such things and places...The first time I felt the sand between my toes standing on one of Australia's many many amazing beaches....The first time I felt the cool ocean mist spray my face...The first time I stood at the Summit of Big Mountain and took in the view of the Flathead Mountain Range....The first time I saw a sky painted a shade of pink and purple over the Maine Coast...The first time my eyes took in the Great Barrier Reef waters, where I saw the blues and greens mix together to form a horizon I have never seen since....The first time I took in a sunset on the Coast of Oregon, that left me tryin to figure out where the ocean stopped and the sky started....The first time I saw the rushing streams that formed a waterfall....The first time I gazed at the stars under a midnight sky in Australia....knowing that I would never see those stars so bright and clear anywhere else....The first time I stood and looked up at a snowghost in the FiSH...The first time I got soaked by the pouring rain in Sydney but not wanting to be inside..I just walked around the Harbour-for the rain made the city even more amazing....The first time I chased after a thunderstorm to photograph the lightning striking the ground and just listening to the loud thunder roll....The first time...those are moments you want to last forever...for you stand there and you find your life in those those moments...and in a world that you seem you can never catch your breath...time even if its just for a second stops...You forget about everything and you are swept over with a blanket of peace.

The thing about nature is...its all around us...we just have to be willing to slow down long enough to take it in and really see it....For you see if you could change it will change can be understood in such sites...your can pour out your soul to nature without even a whisper having to be spoken....and better yet it might hold the answers you are in search for...but the key is you have to be willing to take the time to see the beauty not just in something flawless and perfect but especially in the imperfect, in the raging, in the ugly...Once you are able to do will speak to your soul in a way that no words could ever describe and bring meaning to things you never thought could have will wash out and cleanse your will refresh will just get you to hold not give see that the storms come but they also pass...the tide does turn...the imperfect will someday be perfect...Nature...its all around us...and its completely don't have to venture off to the beaches of Australia or to the mountains of simply have to go outside...its waiting to share...waiting to be seen...waiting to show you the answers....its just waiting....

Monday, January 5, 2009


She's a little crazy, a little wild, a whole lot of fun, full of smiles and laughter. The life of the party, a friend thru thick and thin....She's the one that keeps us laughing, the one that our memories are built around because she is in so many. She's the one we cry from laughter when we remember when...She's the backbone to our circle of friends...She's the one who keeps us all together...She's the glue to our friendships...She's love, kindess and caring....She's the reason I found this group of girls...She's talent and a shopper for great deals...She's a cold beer and an egg bake whenever her friends are stayin or near....always plenty to go around...She's our singer--even if sometimes she doesn't know the words or sings the wrong ones...Shes' our dancer--sometimes with a wall but she is always out there. She's taco bell at 2 am....She's honest and loyal....She's a sharer...of it all the good bad funny sad and even embrassing....she shares it all...She's lipspucked up for a photo...She's a friend that i am honored to call mine....She's the hostess with the most...She's a big hug wrappin you up in a warm embrace...She's the kind of friend who gives all she got...She's a fighter and never a complainer....She's a positive person who is always in a good mood. She's the silver lining for she always sees it in her life...She's someone I am glad found love...and not just any kind of love....the kind of guy that sees her in the same eyes we do---yet sees her even better...He loves her fully and competely for HER...and doesn't want to change a thing about her...and because of that...he means so much to me...Because she's one in a million...She's rare-She's special-She's truly just simply the best...She's Shannon....And above all she is someone I will always be excited to see, someone I will always look forward to having a cold beer with, someone I love to laugh with, someone who will always be my friend...She in a word ROCKS.

Sunday, January 4, 2009

the future.

My future...something I try to avoid...something I don't know...maybe its because I have no idea what I want from it...or maybe I know just where I want to be but have no idea how to get there.

Its something I can no longer avoid and put aside and not deal with. The nice thing about not really having a clue you have endless paths to just have to take one...yet what is my hold up!? Is it because I don't think I will make it- I won't be enough-sometimes its easier not to try than to try and fail yet I know better! I know much much better. I sit here and think all the time what are you doing? Where are you going? I want to know the answers to those questions yet I have never been one to ever have them. I know its an endless stress and worry for my parents...they want me to find a real job a stable job with benefits and paid mom worries about the strong wild Goldmann behavior that I carry with me...the kind my father carried with him and would have taken him if my mother didn't save him. The kind that can take a life and lose it in party nights and endless bottles...but I am also in my late twenties and I am single...someday if that day comes I would trade those times in for ones that involve bathtime and goodnite stories and kisses...but well those days are light years away and I refuse to wait for them. Some people just don't end up living those lives.

I know I am prolli on my way to hitting rock bottom...but when that end up finding out what you truly want and where you want to be. You find yourself and are able to see more clearly...I have been standing still for much too long...I know I need to start again...yet I am not sure where to start? Where do I belong? Where do I fit in? Where is my place in this world? What is my purpose? My meaning? I spent my life pleasing everyone and giving myself to everyone in my life yet somehow always ending up disappointing someone...or multiple of someones...but you know what I still do it...because that's who I am...and who I want to be...

So where does that lead me...standin at the edge and not sure whether to jump...standin at the forks in the road tryin to pick a path...sitting with my thoughts with endless questions crossing my mind...questions mixed in with demons and angels...dreams and failures...I know one thing for sure I must start with a single step...something I say I will do but never do...for I know my happiness is waiting for me...I know a huge part of me is just waiting for me to find her...I know my future is just in my grasps I just have to reach for tide is turning...I just have to be confident in myself and have a bit more faith in my...and above all I need to start seein myself in the eyes that so many see me and not how I see myself...I need to love myself...change sucks but so does standing still.

Saturday, January 3, 2009

i miss them a little more

Tonite is the first night I have found myself sleepin in my bed since Nov 15th..and today was the first day I spent alone...yet I couldn't help but stare at the door just waiting til Alice and Michaela would be walking back into the door coming home from the gym...but the hours passed and reality set in...they are gone...and I am left with the echos of their laughter, photos capturing their smiles and memories to last me until I see them again...I would want nothin more rite now than to be sleepin on an air mattress and listenin to Alice cough up a lung. I would want nothing more than for Alice to make me a cup of tea---i tried and havin the best its crap when u try urself. I would want nothing more than to sing whiskey girl and I love this bar with Michaela..I would want nothing more than to drink as many cups of coffee possible with Michaela on a road trip.

BUT I had the best of that world and now its time to let them go and let them venture off to bigger and better people and places. But tonite I miss them a little more than the days after they first left.