Monday, August 31, 2009

THE best to come...

My favorite time of the year is pretty much here! FALL! Oh how I love the seasons of change! Tomorrow brings my favorite month of the year! September! The cool crisp sweater weather, the turning and falling of the leaves, football games, the harvest of wheat corn and sunflowers...I am getting excited just thinking about it. Most hate the fact that summer is almost over... Well I am not like most! I am the girl that would take honest Fall to a unbalanced summer. I am the girl that would rather spend her time on a rocky shoreline with waves crashing with a hoodie on than I would sitting on a hot beach with my suit on. My closet is filled for this seaon... I struggle with spring and summer because well my clothes don't seem to fit the season.

To me there's nothing better than to pop in James Taylor and spend my fall days outside capturing the moments of Fall thru photography... I love to have my ipod with me and lost in the world that surrounds me... I love to venture off into a place that lies just outside my door step yet its like no place I have ever been before not matter how many times I return to the same spot it always is different.

Its the season that I find my camrea ALWAYS with me because who knows what I may just stumble upon in the strangest of places.

I look at things of change as well as the season of change as a beginning not an end! Its the start of something new not the death of something familiar.... Just imagine what life would present to us if we looked thru eyes that always embraced it and saw the best to come not the best that has been....

Sunday, August 30, 2009


"Make the most of yourself for that is all there is of you."

We go thru this life side by side with all walks of life. Some are achievers some are dreamers some are teachers some are doers some are laid back some are caring some are rude.... But we are all hopefully tryin to do one thing... Tryin to live our own lives as best as we can. Not fulfilling others shoes but only our own. So much is asked of us it seems... And in many ways asked to be anybody but ourselves... My goal is to not live in the shadows of someone else's life nor cast a shadow on someone's life. Nor will I try to wear shoes that I know will never fit me.

I will live in this moment right now. I will not worry bout trying to achieve hopes goals and dreams that only others had for me and my life... I will only reach and chase after the ones that I dream of and hope for. I will live my life with the soul purpose of being simply happy... Because I know its only then that I can be more for those around me. I need not try to be anything other than me... because in the end that's all I truly have to be. If I live and fulfill my own shoes and strive to make them most of myself I know that will be enough.

The key is however is in fact living growing and becoming the person in fact I am meant to be. It is in challenging myself in never settling in embracing change in never giving up in seein the glass of life half full in smiling and laughing in ALL days not just the picture perfect one in understanding in trusting in loving in caring esp when its hard. Its in being true to who I am and what I value and believe in. Its in standing for something and sticking by that... In being loyal of the person I am... Not being someone I am not proud of. Its in taking the road less traveled. Its in listening to my inner voice and not the voices of others. Its in being the example or the leader and never the follower even thou at times it would be so much more easier. Its being this person constantly not like a wind changin its directions in the days of all seasons. But being this person not just in times of ease and happiness but more importantly in times of darkness sorrow change and failure.

For if I am never standing by and being the person I am strivin to be than well this life that I am living will never stand for anything. So I will keep on living keep on smiling keep on laughin and keep on walking this life learning and growing thru darkness and happiness in success and failures...livng my life in my shoes with a goal to live in the moment!

Wednesday, August 19, 2009


Tonight I was reminded how grateful I am to be well... me. I think of my health and well being yes. But I am also talking about the fact that I can walk... feed myself and take care of myself. I am talking about the fact that I don't need a wheelchair or 24/7 care. Some would look at me and think Michelle you are way way off from that ever happening. The truth is well I was almost too close to that actually happening. Some 28 years ago I had spinal meningitis.

I was well I guess you could say lucky. At the time my family wasn't so sure if I would be so lucky. I some how managed to escapse serve neurological problems besides losing 90% of the hearing in my left ear and some minor hearing loss in my right. As well as having learning struggles in my educational growth. I read alot of information about meningitis and the long term effects and death rate. I read about babies never being the same again. I read about hearing loss, blindness, epilepsy, behavioral difficulties and decreased intelligence. I read about needing a 24/7 caretaker. I read about some living the rest of their days in a wheelchair... not being able to speak, hear or feed themselves.

I read the book Standing Tall: A Memoir of Tragedy and Triumph by C. Vivian Stringer (Rutgers Head Women's Basketball Coach) Her daughter Nina had just want I had at almost the same time... Nina wasn't so lucky. How can the same exact thing have such a vast different outcome. I think of what could have been and I am flooded with grateful emotions. All the things I took for granted growing up... I now look back and realize the blessings such little things were... that I have for the most part a normal childhood. That I could smile laugh and talk. That I could jump rope (something the doctors told my parents there was a good chance I never would) that I was athletic. That I graduated from high and grad school... That I could live an independent life. All the little things that Nina Stringer never got a chance to do or even dream of doing.

Sometimes I find myself going so fast, wanting to achieve more or venture off. I have dreams... big dreams and I am always reaching for them. But every once in awhile I am pulled back down to realize just how grateful and blessed I have been... For some reason my life was spared by God. For some reason God allowed me to do something on my own with my life. For some reason not the worse happened to me. For that I will always be grateful... that I can speak the emotions that I am feeling. that I can walk from point A to point B. that I can dress myself, bathe myself and feed myself. I may not hear everything and it may take me awhile sometimes to get things and understand things... yet its something I am willing to say that I am grateful for. Most don't know the story behind the scars that I have on my forehead (While I was sick with meningitis I also had the shingles a more serve form of the chicken pox.) Most don't know how proud I am of those scars. Most don't know that those scars esp my harry potter scar (the one that looks like a cross or the hollister bird logo) are a daily reminder to me, just how grateful I should be. Most don't know those scars remind me just how strong I am, just how much I can endure and overcome. Just how grateful I am to be here... Just how grateful I am to get the chance to LOVEthisLIFE!

Tuesday, August 18, 2009


I have been trying to juggle the pros and cons with an important choice... decision. Whether I should remain in Fargo or head back to Whitefish. Should I stay or should I go... I have always been a person that I feel lets life lead me and then from there I take over. I have been waiting to let life lead to either back to Whitefish or to ND. But well either I have completely missed it or refuse to see it.

My mother told me to make a list of pros and cons... As I sit here and read them I am still torn. ND has my people. The ones who give meaning to my world. And Minnesota is close by which houses alot more of my people. Whitefish is home to something I call my peace. my stillness. I know I could prolli find it anywhere because that's the kind of person I am... I always find a way to get lost in my own world. Should I stay or should I go... my new favorite song because its a question that rolls thru my mind. My friend Heinle had her status read ... "If you wait to do everything until you're sure it's right, you'll probably never do much of anything."

Its a mantra I never heard before yet find I have never been one to wait for the answers to tell me to do something or not to do something. I don't feel like I have enough time in this world to wait... and truly who does?? I am a person that just lives in the moment and lets life takes her. Who isn't afraid to hop a plane to a different continent where she doesn't know a soul in that country. Is it easy... am I scared... um yes and hell yes... but the whole time I am doing something that challenges me to step up and be the person I am always meant to be... esp when I am scared shitless... there's this calming feeling with me the whole time too. Thats saying its all right... You can handle this. You can do this. So I take a deep breath and well just do it. If you think a girl can do that ... then well making a choice to stay or go should be a snap... I wish it was. I am sure like everything else in my life I will just wake up one day and either find myself in Whitefish or find myself unpacking in ND. Living life and loving this life either way until the next adventure life leads me to... Just living this life from the depths of my soul from every hair stran on my head down to my toes... Making this life... MY LiFE... and never turning back... and above all being confident in myself and trusting my life journey... something I hope for all people in my life.... BE CONFIDENT and TRUST YOUR LiFE JOURNEY!!

Monday, August 17, 2009

Lost Friendship

We all have them. We have all had certain friendships that we find ourselves growing apart from. Sometimes its a lost friendship resutling in a lie. A betrayal. A hurtful act. Sometimes its a lost frienship resulting in chapters ending and chapters starting that force us to grow in different directions. Sometimes its a postive growth apart. For we realize what true friendship is... Because it lasts no matter what may happen and we find that even if we grow apart with true friends you grow towards each other.

Yet every once in awhile we run into friends and we wonder what happened. Or we stumble across a photo from a summer or a college day. And we find ourselves wondering could we have made more of an effort? Was it a friendship that was only suppose to last just that chapter? I have a friend that doesn't want anything to deal with me. Who doesn't return my calls emails or texts. You would think when you have so many people in your many friends it wouldn't matter.

But it matters greatly to me because of the fact that one friendship portraits the friend that I never want to be. To me it means in so ways I am not the person I think I am or always thought I was... And the thing is I have no true answers to what brought us here. Just one day the emails didn't reply back. One day the phone kept ringing and its been that way since.

I am not a person who gives up on people but after awhile I realize I have no choice but to just let go... And yes I am still getting use to the fact that I can't answer the phone on the other line. And yes I have to stop myself from time to time so I don't send yet another text or email. You just have to let some things go in life.

Its a hard lesson I am learning because I have never had a friendship where I have completely failed to the point where the person wants nothing to do with me... Even with friendships that you grow apart from you never miss a chance to catch up with when given the chance. I wish that was the case here. Maybe someday we will figure it out. Maybe not. Maybe we aren't suppose to remain friends with all people in this life. Maybe we are given such people in our lives to learn important life lessons. To realize we are human. To realize we all make mistakes. Even esp when we don't realize we are doing them. I don't know if it was me or them... But the truth is it doesn't matter what got us here... We are here. What matters is where we go from here and how I chose to be from this moment on. Sometimes failure isn't in walking away but in standing still. To say you tried everything you could to be the friend they needed and they chose not to have such a friend. I know deep down I will always think of it as a regret of a friendship I pushed out of my life and not let grow slowing out at its own time. Yet I have learned my lessons from this and have grown as a person and friend... Which makes me strangely thankful for this moment and struggle. I no longer carry the weight of failure with me... It got to be too much to carry. And I hope somewhere they have dropped the weight too. I am sorry...I forgive you with hopes if your reading this that you forgive me. And I hope you know that my friendship is something I never take back which means if you ever find yourself dialing my number I promise I will answer.

Sunday, August 16, 2009

One Day i Hope...

I went to the Time Traveler's Wife... Thou it prolli isn't the best movie ever I couldn't help but get sucker-ed in (if that's a word). I am a BIG cheese for love movies. And Rachel McAdams tends to portray a woman madly and deeply in love to the point where you think its her actual love life and not a movie.

I left that movie theater thinking bout my love life or shall I say the lack of such thing that I have in my life. I do long to have eyes that reflect the love I have for that special guy. I dream of being silly and laughing with him. I hope for a future with such random fun happy loved filled moments that are spent with him. The type of moments that make up your everyday life. I do dream hope and wish for this guy to walk into my life. I wonder if it will ever happen or if he already did and I let him walk out. I do know my life isn't less because I don't have him in it nor am I not complete because I lack his love... BUT well a girl can't help but dream a little even if I only find myself doing it in dark movie theaters... That's the only time I truly find myself thinking truly thinking about my life in such a way... Prolli why I am a sucker for all love story type movies.

One day I hope to live such a life and not have to watch it... Someday. Until then I will settle for watching people like Rachel McAdams-who make falling in love so easy. And who also looks amazing when supposely she has just woken up... Gotta love the make up artists. Besides I prolli will always be a love sucker fool whether I am single dating or married... Its who I am and who I will be regardless if I take in the movies with friends, the someday guy or alone... And I am proud to say that I would be who I am constantly and no guy would change that. Its a take me or leave me sort of deal.

Saturday, August 15, 2009

A prayer for the bride and groom

As I sit in a pew at the wedding of Carla Pederson and Brandon Saeger... I watch two lives come together and two paths become one journey. A radiant bride who in a word is perect. Is beautiful. A kind and excited groom. They are committing their lives to each other. Today ends the solo dreams of their lives and starts the dreams of the things to come as husband and wife.

I have been to so many wedding I have also lost count which number this is... But yet it doesn't matter how many I have been too... Watching the bride and groom and seeing that love pour thru every part of them. Seeing the huge smiles and eyes reflecting the image of the person they have chosen to spend their days with never seems to get old to me. Today is their perfect day filled with a future of complete love and happiness. Today is their day filled with hope of a gentle and happy days to come. Days that don't know of struggle. Of pain. Of tears. Of hate. Of sorrow. Only days that are filled of smiles. Of laughter. Of life. Of love. Of happiness. Of hope.

I don't know what the days to come are filled with for this young couple but I pray and hope like I do at all weddings for all bride and groom's that they are blessed with double the happiness and love and half of sorrow and struggles. I hope life's gentle with them... Thou its not always the case... Than I pray that it grants them the strength to keep goin thru the darkness til they reach the light. For even when life brings its darkest storms it also reveals in us the strength that lies within us to battle those stroms. I hope that not just all couples know this but also all people... Dating married or single know this as well.

All the strength you ever need lies within YOU.

Sunday, August 9, 2009

Just LiVE it...

Who said you had to have your act COMPLETELY together, when you reached a certain age. Who said in order to be successful there's a checklist of things in your life that must be built-owned-reached and checked off...a list of items such as first car purchase-down payment on a 3 bedroom 2.5 bath ranch split level with a view of your neighbors who are way too close. {I am still trying to learn about the differences between a ranch style house and colonial. I can't even begin to imagine the knowledge I would have to required to understand the paper work that comes with owning a house. } Then with that house comes things like filling in the rooms. Rooms that right now would only required me to purchase more...crap... I mean how much does one single late 20's girl need? I know from the outside looking in I prolli live a life that well no one understand... and on some days myself included. But when you get down to it life isn't meant to be understood...its meant to be lived. People may take the time to judge you... let them... its their time that is wasting. And with me... I usually miss half of it (I have never been thankful for only having one ear of complete hearing...but as the days past I have found it to be a great advantage in more ways than one.)

Some may feel my life is incomplete..some may feel that my life is something to envy. But the truth is... its as plain as its to say its MY life. Just as your life is YOURS... You need not anyone to understand... yourself included... JUST LIVE IT... To depths of your soul from the top of your head down to your toes. Embrace it. Live it. Love it. Every minute of it... I take that back every second of it. Laugh. Smile. WAY TOO MUCH. Be gentle. Be kind. To others and most importantly yourself. Realize that even when you struggle to understand it... LIFE has a meaning that one day you will know. TRUST that your journey is taking you all the places it needs to... TRUST that your journey is bringing you to all the people you truly NEED in your life... TRUST that your journey brings the trials, struggles, challenges, life lessons and changes into your life for a meaning of great purpose... TRUST that YOUR JOURNEY knows just where to lead you... in order for you to become the person you were always meant to be...

One day... it will all come together. One day... even I will understand the life I live... until then... I plan on to just live it. I encourage YOU... to do the same... JUST LIVE IT!

Wednesday, August 5, 2009

Those DAYS...

You ever have those days where you just find yourself thankful...grateful...blessed. for no reason and for all reasons. You ever have those days where you are just content. just happy. just finding a smile always across your face. Just always laughing... You ever have those days where everything could be going completely not your way yet it doesn't wreck your day at all? where you could spill drop everything you hold...yet it doesn't matter. You ever have those days where you find yourself thinking about nothing yet having the best thoughts ever? You ever have those days where you are drifting off into your own world and loving every second of it yet not remembering a minute of it. You ever have those days where your surroundings just completely take your breath away... the kind of day that the clouds just amaze you or the kind of day that ends with a once in a lifetime sunset that there just aren't any words to describe. TODAY... I had one of those days.... and to be honest I have found myself having those kind of days more than once or twice. I am so grateful...thankful and blessed for those kind of days... those kind of days where nothing special is going on... its not a wedding... a birth... a birthday... a celebration... its just a normal average everyday sort of day. the kind of days you are so glad to say... this is my life... this is how i live my life. I know how special those days are because like marbles in a jar someday I will pull my last marble from the jar... and well if I can say that I spent my "normal-average-everyday sort of day" having those kind of days... well... that's pretty darn cool way of living and spending this life.