Thursday, August 29, 2013

QUOTE CHAT : 24 - forgot about you...

What I have realized more and more is that I am becoming better at accepting the fact that life ins't always peachy. Sometimes it just down right sucks...and thats ok. Those times don't last forever. So embrace them. Learn from them. Grow from them and become MORE from those times. We have them for a reason and that reason is to learn grow and become.
Sometimes my restlessness and unsettling ways of feeling like I am trapped in a zoo cage makes me feel like maybe I just don't belong here.There have been many moments in my life where I just simply feel like something got mixed up and the life I was suppose to live was 40 years ago. Or I am trapped in a body with too old of a soul. There have been times where I simply just don't understand people and the logic behind what they are doing thinking and saying. And I think its because of why I am and who I am that I find most enjoyment in being alone away with myself lost in life. I am at peace when its just me - maybe there is truth to this saying....
I have spend the last few weeks packing items and getting rid of items and this is the rule of thumb I have been using. And man oh man does it help you down size and be organized. My new policy now is if I buy something or bring something home something must find a new owner/home.
These such moments when I follow this pull are the very moments my soul feels most alive and most at home. I simply love such moments...let life be your map and your soul your compass.

Isn't that the truth...its always the gettting started part that takes the longest...the first step in the unknown that scares us...once we get going all is good to go fine...its the starting process that we need to get kicked to do. So find that 20 seconds and start.
I will admit there was at a point in my life that I strived to be noticed for the wrong reasons. I was never much for one to want the spotlight on me - in fact such a light still makes me red in the face. I was always terrible at recieving compliments because I just felt awkward - what do I say what do I do how do I act? So thankfully it was a bit easier for me to learn this lessons of striving to simply shine in a way that stays true to who I am as an all around person not just being someone in the spot light then a different person when the spotlight is off me. And to do such a thing I have simply focused on being who I am and who I am capable of being regardless who is around or if not one is around. I am not living a life to impress others I am here with the purpose to just be me - live life and learn from life. I am not perfect I make mistakes but i am learning and I am above all else trying to treat others with compassion understanding and respect regardless if its returned to me or not.
I have yet to have a full understanding why we tend to stray away from the very things we need in our life to bring us happiness to complete us to make us feel alive. Are we scared? Are we lazy? Are we unsure? I don't get it. What I do know is that I have made a pack with myself to spend more time living outside my comfort zone. Less think thinking more time living and being. I am embracing the unknown the challenges and the changes not avoiding them or turning in the other direction from them. Its time to start truly living not just existing.

Wednesday, August 28, 2013

Living out of a Suitcase.

The 50 plus U-Haul boxes I saved when moving from Montana came in very handy, for all my belongings were all boxed and taped up and on THE HOTTEST weekend of the year I decided it was the perfect time to move all my belongings into storage...I curse the weekend my moving day fell upon. Jacorian summed it up best by saying - "I didn't even sweat this much playing sports." 98 degree heat plus humidity made for a very sticky-gross weekend. But thanks to family help we were able to get it all cleared out and put into storage for the next 17 days. I am not so thrilled to have to move everything twice nor are my movers aka family members and friends. Yet it was the right move in the end to say goodbye to that townhome as soon as possible. For now we (brother Jacorian and I ) are living out of a suitcase with family until I sign around 98 pieces of paper to become a homeowner. Oh the joys of adulthood...i think...

My life is a bit of a bomb explosion site - having no idea where this is or where that was packed or if the box was stored here or somewhere else. And I am guessing it will be that way for awhile until I get all settled. I heart the fact that I will not have to move or think about moving for some time after this process is complete!!!!!!! Yet I will still be saving all those U-Haul boxes just in case...For now I am enjoying spending time with the cousins and yet in the same breathe glad that when I will be leaving the kids will be staying - ha love them to death but they are a responsibility that I am quite glad that I don't have at this time in my life.

The countdown is now 15 days... And I am ready for new beginnings and leaving a few things in the past. Life is about change and I am ready for a different kind of change to occur one I have never experienced before - so I am embracing the journey as I walk it and learning as I go - and hoping the process goes as fast as it can because I am finding out more and more each day that I packed this away or need that and can't find it. Oh the joys of life esp when you are in transition!


Thursday, August 22, 2013

New Beginnings - Changes on the Horizon

After leaving my soul's home in Big Sky country and traveling the 20 hours to my old but new home of Fargo, ND - I have been surfing real estate and going on home tour after home tour. Until a few weeks ago when I stumbled upon a bungalow located in the neighborhood I use to dream about living in if I ever stay in my college town. I fell in love with its old charm and detail - not too big not too small of a place - granted the bedrooms may require me to get creative or downsize. The front porch with its view of the perfect street lined with the huge mature trees that just puts a smile on my face - I am sure come fall I will curse those very trees when I have endless raking. My favorite thing about my neighborhood is the fact that each house is old - different and completely redone to simply make each house on the block a home. I have no trouble picturing what I can do to make her as in my house sparkle & shine and bring back to life. After much thought I realized I have a conncetion with this gem of a place and decided I should try to make her mine... So I put in an offer a few weeks ago and the offer was accepted. Now the packing has begun - and as hard as it was to pack all my belongings up in Montana I am finding I have no troubles at all leaving my current townhome, that place never was me to start with too much the same and not enough of being different. I realize that becoming a homeowner is a big step and even more of a bigger step when its just you getting into it. But its a new beginning and a new chagne that I am welcoming with open arms. A place that I can put my hardwork sweat tears elbow grease and cash into. A place I can lose myself into fixing this doing that planning a to do list and saving for that list. A place where I will find myself taking pride in keeping my yard looking nice - where my weekend mornings will be filled with raking mowing shoveling and my afternoons sitting on the porch and enjoying being outdoors. I know the changes this place will hold - and I am awaiting on a certain arrival that will be coming late this fall - winter that will occupy my time and be my very personal source of joy and pride. I may not stay forever in this perfect place of mine but during my time here it will be just that - mine. I look forward to what lies ahead of me as a homeowner and the changes that it will make in my life. New beginninges are often kind of scary because of the fact you have no idea what is to come...well I will just figure it out as I go and the rest will fall into place.

Monday, August 12, 2013


Sometimes I feel that I don't do a good enough job at doing just that. I often ask myself why didn't you... My answer usually goes along something like this - I was too busy with something else. I was too tired or just plain lazy. I was focused on something else that took my attention from it. All are terrible excuses and I am not at all happy with. I want to really strive to keep myself open to such things as well as able to respond to such things by living in this moment right now not on a moment that already has happened or a moment that has yet to happen. I know I fail greatly at this at times and I need to work on getting better - simple as that. Life is a collection of moments and I want my life to be focused more on the moments that excites my spirit and or moments that lead to learning growth and becoming. 
I tend to put pressure on myself at times to do this or that - but as much pressure I put on that I realize I don't put pressure on myself to become this kind of person instead of that. I have spent more time that I know working on and truly knowing who I am - granted I still have learning and growing to do and always will I have for the most part an over all somewhat good handle on who I am. There are parts of me that I don't some much like to accept as well as parts that need changing and I am working on that - and I know that if I continue to work on such I can truly change such. It is simple stated the person I am is the person I decide to be. I couldn't agree more for in the end its ME who is living my life. ME who makes the decisions and choices to be no one else I hold the power as well as the responsiblity.
How can something so simply stated and known be so gosh darn hard to accept. Why is it when you are in the moment of things you completely forget the flip of the coin. How you simply can not have one without the other and even better how does one maintain the correct way of thinking on such a matter when you are chin high deep in reality with it. Well...I think it just has to do with having the control of breathing and gathering yourself. To stay grounded and not let yourself go off the deep end. Sometimes its easy and other times its the hardest thing you possibly ever could do.
You ever look at someone and think how in the f--- do they make it look so darn easy?!?!? Well I will share a secret with you... looking the part doesn't mean that is the part. I think people are really good at wearing masks - at faking it til they make it - at putting on a front.  Because for some reason in reality its not so much looked down upon as its thought down upon. Kind of like when you ask how someone is doing and they say ok or I am fine - when even you know clearly they are not. I am unsure why we do that - is it self pride?? Because the truth is life is challenging us and testing each one of us - every second of the day, it never ends or lets go. None of us have the answers we are all embarking on finding such answers. Some of us just have it down a bit better than the others and I think that has to deal more with knowing who we are than anythign else and paying attention to how we truly feel and what we truly want. There was a time where I thought so and so had it all together that they had the answers but it just turned out they are living and learning as they go as much as I am...simple as that...we are all learning and living as we go.
Have you noticed there is more than one way to get to work in the morning and more than one way to return to your home when you come back. I think we get so focused and one tracked minded we forget there are other ways to go about things to achieve them. It doesn't have to be a simple way - a textbook way - an easy way nor a timed way. You just simple have to get there in the end. If its something important to you simply don't give up - get creative in your ways of things and going about things. Most things that are rewarding require a toll. Sometimes it costs you a lot sometimes the cost is nothing. I truly believe why we have road blocks and detours are simply so we are forced to try harder to not give up to allow ourselves to live and achieve outside the box - because who knows its not the achieving part in which we finally arrive that truly counts but the process of getting there.
There have been moments where I find myself saying wait...wait... this isn't you... why do you feel like that? why are you saying that...and once I stop and think about it I realize its because well this happened or that happened. Something I am in no way proud of esp when those actions have turned me into someone that is less or damaged. The truth is things people events shape us form us and tend to influnce who we are - whether its to our notice or not it happens. Most often than not it requires us to be present and in control of our lives and who we are becoming. The prime example is loss - hurt and heart ache. We tend to avoid - shutdown or withdrawal when we are in such a state we simply don't want to go thru that again and find ourselves feeling in such a way. We have all been told at one point or another you can't let that hurt shape who you are or cloud your decision of what to do this time around. Well I know it comes for the right place but to be honest when you know how it feels and how long it took you to stand back up and be ok with the new change in reality - it is something you do not soon forget. Why on earth would I want to put myself in a position to be in the very place that it took me forever to get out of...and I know the answer some things some people are worth taking that risk. And as much as I don't want to be that person that is a debby downer - my history has proven to me that I have yet to find that person or have time line up on my side to have found that risk worth taking. I don't want to be a closed off person I don't want to be damaged goods or some cold person - and i do work to make sure I am not such but there comes a time when you must be accepting that the things that happened to you in your life do affect you no matter how much you would like it to or not...I think the key is balance and not letting those events have complete control over your being! 
Why is it that we don't see should things... Why can't we realize that we are doing them? I am guilty of saying I am a certain kind of person - strong caring compassionate understanding funny semi-smart...I think on most days I am pretty darn worth while. Yet I have found myself in places and with people that I begin to find myself proving them that I am worthy. And worse yet I don't even know I am doing it. Rejection its a tough tough thing to face. Facing the reality of that rejection might be even harder. I am not quite certain why I allow myself to bend so greatly for people that well aren't worth it. How can I stand tall and firm in my conviction of saying this is me take me as I am or don't. Well it prolly has to deal with the fact that I care for that person or how I want that person to be apart of my life. Or maybe how I feel like I might be that person that gets the other to open their eyes and change. I believe too much prolly in people - that people can change that all they need is someone in their corner. What I fail to realize is that often I allow myself to be taken advantage of - I allow someone to drag me thru the dirt - I find myself taking the blame or saying I am sorry for something I am not at fault at. Ya I realize I am an enabler...but my question how do you get yourself not to care. Not to feel like a failure when you walk away or let go. Why do I allow someone who doesn't own such power to have such power over me. How do I become confident and saying and doing the part of being done of walking away of letting go.  How do I finally say I am done trying I am done with you treating me like crap because you simply don't know how to treat someone the correct way. And how do you walk away without that feeling of failure or regret following you. 
There has been moments in my life where I will admit I get caught up in the moment of things - when I am dealing with reality that well that I don't quite want to deal with I avoid thinking about it or dealing with it in means of buying. I will admit my previous years I was terrible at this over the years since of realize I have this habbit I have gotten better at it - way better at it. My other problem is from time to time I let others influnce my life a bit too much - which shocks me because I usually never allow people to weigh in on my choices esp to the point of making negative ones. But well we are all human. I have come to know thou that when I start getting rid of things the more free I feel. I am striving to keep cutting back instead of having all these things I am focusing on the things that will last and the things that I need instead of want. Sometimes I still slip and get a few items that belong under the want column. But Rome wasn't built in a day so I won't change fully over night either. I am learning to let go - to be free of things and yes sometimes people. Its hard at times to do that subtracting like SUPER SUPER HARD!!!! But I guess not all things great come easy so neither should letting go be.
You ever find yourself taking a stumble turning it into a trip then into a fall. Ya I have been there and ya I am usually the master of my own disaster. I have a great gift of taking something and picking at it until it turns into a wound. Instead of just letting something go I at times over think over focus on something that I want fixed. I just can't for some reason let it go... esp if I feel like I might have some control of over it. Its a terrible trait that I have and its one that I don't want to have if its a matter of something that can be changed. So ya I am working on it - and its hard work but work that needs to be done.
Life will never be perfect it will never go just the way I had in mind for it to go - might come close from time to time but never picture perfect.  What I am realizing is that I am becoming more and more adapting to life. I learning how to endure and carry on with whatever life presents to me as reality. I will admit its not pretty at times - i stumble to get my footing - I trip and some times fall flat on my faces and at times its takes me awhile to get back up ... but I always do rise and proceed forward. I get upset with myself not being able to move at a fast pace or my failure at learning quickly as well as adjusting quickly - regarding that I am working at being patient with myself and understanding that it takes time to adjust to things and allow myself that time. I know one thing for sure my ablitity to find the high points when I am in the low is good - the power of a positive attitude is key and keep that frame of mind is something to work towards. Its not easy but once you get use to surfing the trouble spots of your life the more you will enjoy this life.
There was a time where it mattered to me what those people were saying but really I was never fully bothered by it - i always figured people will talk no matter what you do or don't do - say or don't say. Its just how the story goes and I have come to accpet that - thats just what some people do. I make sure thou its not something that I do - that I am not those people. I have much respect for those who are willing to say things that are tough to my face and confront me instead of talk behind my back. I would hope if someone has a problem with me that they would tell me in person. As for the gossip part of things - do your talking it will get you no where. I couldn't stand the way gossip leaves a terrible taste in my mouth that I just can't get rid of - over the years I have worked on removing that from my life and its something that I want to keep out of my life. Its alot less stressful and relaxing now that I just have come to avoid such people and such convos. And as for those talking about me... well hopefully I am giving you something worth talking and gossiping about - but chances are prolly not.

Thursday, August 8, 2013


I think we have all been there - and guitly of it. I find myself getting into a pattern of just getting up going to work and coming home over and over and over - and soon realize just what I am missing out on. So much living can be done just in our everyday routines and I know I fall short with such because I either am too lazy or make excuses on why I shouldn't do this or that. This usually ends up with my getting upset with myself after a given point of time has passed because I know full well that I have wasted time as well as lost time I will never get back. I have a goal to do something something at least one a day that provides that feeling of being fully and completely alive. When I was in Montana it was easy I walked outside and it was there it engulf me when I was with mother nature on a mountain - now days I have to get alittle more creative but regardless those moments still exist for me to create make and have.
Why is this such a hard thing to accept. Why can't it just be easy to say know and feel its ok if thats the way it goes. Instead I often am filled with regret - beating myself up with thougths of if you would have done this instead of that. Some life lessons are just simply hard to accept know and learn as simple as that - esp when they involve someone leaving your life. When I find myself in such a position I truly try to understand myself what I can learn from the situation to better myself as well as make sure it doesn't happen again and above all grow and learn from the hardships it provided. Failure Flaws and Faults are often very hard to take ownership of - to realize your wrong doings and mistakes but its the only way that growth can happen - to realize we messed up and we aren't perfect grounds us in the fact that we are human and we are going to hit rock bottom we are gonna do things and say things that well we wish we could take back but can't.  All we can do is learn and move forward and to know that sometimes its just how life goes - we aren't meant to be fully present in everyone's life just as how everyone is not meant to be present in your life. We must learn to let go and trust that there is a purpose - a reason and one day we will come to understand fully what that purpose and reason is.
I have seen this many times - prolly because I tend to observe what is going on around me - I see people creating their own drama and drowning in their own drama. I often wonder do they realize they are making a slip into a trip into a fall? Can they see these things or is being in the moment rob them from such clarity? Worse yet do I appear to be this as well when I have life issues? How does it appear when I handle changes and challenges of life? I would hope to say I am not like that but well I am looking from the inside out not the outside in. I do know that when you part take in gossip and drama you are a creator of it and the creator is always left in the midst of it, there is no escaping it unless you simply don't take any part in it. The other way of avoiding such things I believe is the attitude you bring to life - it can make all the difference in the world if you are seeing the positive side of things and not focusing on the negative. It isn't easy at times but it doens't truly make a difference. Regardless as the saying goes you get what you give. So pay attention to what you are putting out in the world it will be coming back to you in the same form.
I think there is a fine line of being able to firm yet being able to bend. Knowing when to to voice your words for action and when to stay silent and be understanding. Being able to stand up for your thougths and feelings and when to show compassion to others. I think it takes being both strong and weak - soft and solid to be a grounded person. I strive to be both yet not too tough you aren't someone that can't be approached and not to kind to the point people walk all over me and take advantage of. There is a happy medium and the key is to find that balance as well as keep that balance in life.

The truth is simpe - there are moments in our life we reach that forever alter who we are - often it comes in terms of loss - death, break ups or great change graduating, moving, divorce, birth, wedding or new job - just a few examples. I find it amazing how we are capable of enduring this times that forever change us. How our beings adapt embrace and change with what has been handed to us as our new reality. Its really remarkable to sit back and spend some time thinking about this. Most often than not our being finds ways to support as well as protect ourselves while going thru such change - allowing ourselves to slowly forget is a major way we adapt - thank god for this or everyday waking up would be nightmare - even thou when going thru such times right away it seems just like that. But slowly with time we chang - we heal - we evolve. Reflecting back on my life I can recall thus far 6 big life moments that changed my life and I know as I travel thru this life that number will only increase. Now that I have somewhat embarked a great deal down such roads I notice the changes and growth in the person that I am today. Life is surely amazing what it brings to you - what you learn from it and how you grow and become from those very things. And I believe it will constantly take this form of shape until we take our last breath. We are here to learn. We are here to grow. We are here to become. And its thru life changing moments we find the biggest change biggest challenge and biggest growth.
Its a plain and simple fact that somedays you just need a drink and it doesn't matter the time of day. Thankfully there are sayings such as this that make it acceptable!!!
Don't you just hate it when you realize if you keep doing the same thing you will get the same thing. In order to get something different you have to do something differnt. Life is all about change - constantly never ending change. We aren't meant to stay the same simple as that. And if you want things to be different you have to be different simple as that. Seems pretty logicial doesn't it. 
My days of dreaming to be married to become a mom well are pretty much behind me - they are thoughts that don't even cross my mind, I guess if they happen they happen but they are no longer things I feel need to happen in order for me to have a complete and happy life. As the years have gone by my focus has been on striving to be simply happy and content with the life that I live. Did I picture it to be like this - well prolly not but you know what I find it to be quite rewarding because I have this life that I am simply at ease with being in. I am comfortable in my own skin and comfortable with being whether that is alone or with someone else. I like just being in silence - with music playing somewhere in the background and I am busy with the task at hand. Its calming knowing I have just what I need and want. As for the rest I believe what is meant to be will be, when it comes - if it comes or doesn't come at all - my life will not be any less. I am just focusing on embracing the life that is now.
Guilty as charged. Something I need to come to terms with and fully accept. I am terrible about opening up to others because of the fact that I allow myself to think in terms of their sorrow is much more than mine - always trying to find ways to lessen my reasons for being down because someone else's loss or saddness is greater than mine. I wish I could say I am getting better at accepting it but well its still something I am working on. Comparing it in this matter to happiness it makes much more sense why you shouldn't think in such a matter. Something I truly need to keep in mind.

Wednesday, August 7, 2013


We have all been there - found ourselves in rain clouds. I don't know about you but I am grateful for those that brought the sun into my life to help me realize its going to be ok. Those people mean every thing during such times. Be one of those in return - pay it forward.
Sometimes I have a controlling issue - where I want results right here right now. I get tense - I am over come with this feeling like it all has to be NOW NOW NOW. I want it a certain way so badly that if it doesn't happen right now in the exact way I picture it - it will never happen. I usually get myself worked up to the point where I can't relax and my mind appears to all of a sudden have no other thoughts then right here and right now. I pick at it like a black head or pimple to the point where I come to have made it ten times worse then if I just would have left it alone. This is something I am focusing on truly working on and getting better at - sometimes I think I am making great progress other times I find myself knowing I have fallen completely backwards. The thing about life is that it has a plan all of its own and what ends up being happens for a reason. I am learning to trust in life - thou its a challenge at times I am loosing my grip and allowing my life to shape form and flow the way its meant to be. What I have come to know the way that ends up being the way how it goes tends to always be better than what I had in mind to begin with - which usually finds me smiling and shaking my head while saying under my breath Michelle Michelle Michelle - when will you learn when will you learn. My answer is most often than not I kno I know...soon soon. THe good news is I am finding less moments where I have to have such talks with myself - but then again when I do have to have such talks its usually due to something major - so in a way I am learning and accepting whats meant to be I just need to work on the big big ones allowing those to work the way they are meant to be.
I have been guilty of this - oh wanting something else or something different or something more. What I fail to realize that I am the master of my own disaster or the creator of my own success. If I don't like the way something is its up to my doing to change it - no one else is responsible. What brought me to this moment is the person who stares back at me in the mirror - I am accountable which means I have the power to change or stay the same. Nothing worse than waiting for someone to make your reality different or your dreams come true. Hold yourself accountable, its thru your actions and choices that take you to the places you end up.
HA....isn't that hitting it right on the nose. Yet if you think about it - it makes total sense...change is being outside your comfort zone - and what causes chaos to disappear is establishing a routine and becoming familiar with the new normal. Once you get the pattern down it becomes a normal way of being - however until you get there its pure chaos. We must be gentl with ourselves while we are adjusting and realize that chaos is going to happen but it won't last forever.
I can not picture my life without the friends that come to mind when I read this quote. My life is more - I am more because I have such people in my life. They are more than friends they are in factor family to me. I smile often when I think of these people whether they are near or far - here or there I am grateful.
I am striving to live this quote. To be gentle with life and those that cross paths with me. To hold my tongue more and speak less. And when I do speak to speak with purpose and meaning. To be someone that is accountable to their actions and words. To be true to myself as well as honest with others. To judge less and understand more. To truly think about things and how I feel about them before responding. To be open to that fact that I have faults flaws and failures - and to realize that without my knowing at times my actions and words hurt others, my goal is to try to lessen these kinds of moments. I will never be perfect and I don't strive to be but I do strive to be gentle and to live a good respected life and to treat others with the same respect that I am in searching to recieve.
I pride myself in always realizing this. Maybe I was born in the wrong era or maybe I have forever been an old woman from the start - the word old soul gets linked to my being alot but the truth is I think it has to do with my ways of absorbing the world around me whether it be people - stories - movies - books - music - media - history I have always been someone that remembers the lessons of others. I observe life and I am good at observing life and applying whatever it is I am absorbing to my own life. One of the very first things I remember growing up is how I didn't want to be a certain kind of person - and I found a link than most common factor that resutled in that person being that way was the fact they relied on others to complete them to fullfill them to make them happy to be worthy. It was all based on someone else that wasn't them. I know that this life is meant to be shared in order to get its full value but shared is not the same as dependent on someone else. I truly believe we must have a solid relationship with yourself - truly know what you want what you need and who you are before we are able to be another - ya there have been people that haven't done this that are in relationships but there is a common ground of them usually not being happy - a feeling of having to settle or at some point in time it ends. I am 32 years old and I have yet to est the relationship that commits myself to another being at least in the eyes that all surround me. What they don't know is that I have been in a successful relationship for 32 years, I have commited to myself and have put in the work and keep putting in the work to nuture grow and get to know that relationship - that person that just happens to be me. And you know what its the best relationship I ever had - its not easy and it still takes alot of work but I know fully well who I am and when and if the time comes to commit myself to another I will be able to share my life and know what I want out of this life because I took the time to truly find out just what that is. And you know what the best feeling in the world is - to be with yourself alone and not even have the thought cross your mind that you are lonely.
I will admit this is something it took me awhile to truly understand, that when I talk badly about others or gossip just what I am slowly losing in terms of character regarding myself. As far back as I can recall I always remember feeling completely awkward and super uncomfortable when I was present when conversation turned to gossip or talking bad about someone not present. On top of that I also realized two other things that when I spoke in such as matter as well or if I didn't speak up and say the right thing like this isn't right... the feeling got worse. I also know full well that when I was in such a position I always walked away less of the kind of person that I always thought myself to be. The saying is true you play with fire you are gonna get burned rings true. Now days I don't feel so awkward anymore because I spend less time in convos that find me gossiping or talking bad about another. And let me tell you it leaves me with a pretty great feeling - as well as when I stand up during those times and say hey this isn't right or that isn't how the full truth. Granted there are still times I find that uncomfortable awkward feeling setting in and at times don't do what is right and I am left with that even worse sitting feeling. Funny how you grow with the years and find you would rather just walk away or speak up then have to live with the feeling it leaves you if you didn't. Live and Learn - and this is one of the best lessons I have come to know and understand. For the person I am truly hurting is my own character when I part take is a negative setting.

Tuesday, August 6, 2013


This is a good rule of thumb to keep in mind - it point blank tells you when its ok for you to open your mouth and share something and when its not. Its that simple. And it should be kept that simple.
What we don't realize is that our words how power behind them and once spoken they can't be taken back. We simply need to think before we speak, speak with less words and more meaning. Maybe its just that I am aging or maybe I am just who I am but sometimes I find I am just tired of talking about nothing or talking about the wrong things such as drama topics or gossip. But most of all I am over talking about others who can't defend themselves. I am done hurting others with my words or lack of words when it comes to sticking up for people. I have a little voice that I listen to in my head when it comes to speaking - and often that voice says keep your mouth shut you aren't ready to comment yet. There was a time where I heard the voice and just didn't listen to it - now days I tend to listen because the voice is usaully always right.
I am not here to be a big deal - to be praised - to be loved - to be popular - to be the center of attention - to be thought highly of - to be rewarded. I am here to learn. to grow. to become. to live. to breath. to expand my soul and grasp the simple things in life. To be someone who is honest, understanding, compassionate, friendly, kind, and caring. I am here to grow into the best me that I can be. Whether its something that causes focus on me or not I am here to simply live. If I am learning tough life lessons or basking in the the warmth of the light I strive to fuel my soul with whatever life brings my way to better the being that I am - to strength the being that I am.

The power of an attitude is one the best life tools one can carry. It truly can make all the difference in the world. Because the truth of it is - people that carry a positive attitude more often than not have things work in their favor - not because they are lucky but because they are more open to accepting a wide range of outcomes that happiness can be created and obtained from.
Change is hard. Real change is even harder. What is real change??? To me real change has to do with character traits. Changing the foundation of who you are takes real work - but most often than not the work will be worth it in the end. And I know anythign from living this life its that if you are challenged in big ways you change in big ways. Thou the lessons are hard to go thru and learn from in the end its what launches us forward and allows us to become more. Thou I will admit I have a love hate relationship with change - I am welcoming to it because of the over all outcome it brings to my life, its usually all for the better good for my being.
I strive to be the one that never looks at their schedule. I strive to be someone that always finds and makes the time when they are needed - no second thoughts. For the to do list can wait - people that are important to me that I care about can not.
I go back and forth on this - for I have said I am ok before and wished someone would see past the false words I spoke and then there are other times when I pray PLEASE PLEASE don't see past the words I speak - just accept them. I think its all based on a matter of what I am willing to accept as reality and deal with things vs. not in a position of being ready to accept things that are happening in my life's reality. Truth is thou those that truly know you know regardless - there's no escaping such people - i have a few in my life that can spot my false claims of being ok miles and miles away. It can be annoying as well as a blessing.

Monday, August 5, 2013

My one and person.

She's someone I have known for ages. She's someone I watched grow up. She's someone I caused trouble with - got caught with when breaking the rules. She's someone I have been thru the very worse life can bring with. She's someone I have laughed til I thought my stomach muscles were going to tear apart. She's someone who I have smiled to the point where I thought my face was going to fall off with. She's someone that knows my smiles my looks - there's no hiding from her. She's knows me better than I prolly know myself. She's been my friend my sister my person from day one - the almost six year gap between us was never an issue - whether she was 5 12 18 27 she's always been my most favorite person to be around. Her presence is always the one I seek and need when riding on life's rollarcoaster. She's the one I want screaming next to me holding on for dear life. She has a grace about her that puts me at ease. When chaos surrounds the life I live its her that provides the peace. To explain what my life would be without her - are words I will never be able to find nor ever want to find. I know for certain who I am would not be complete without her. I always use to say some corny line about how you couldn't spell Michelle without the MI from Jami nor Jami without the MI from Michelle. Its just how its suppose to go.
 People sometimes get confused when they ask me how many siblings I have. By blood I have two brothers but I always tell them I have a sister as well. For Jami is as much as my sister as Paul and Jacorian are my brothers. The same blood might not pump thru our veins but in every other way that is who she sister. For the bond we have and share is one that is beyond hard to explain - words such as friend or best friend cannot expand across nor range in depth when it comes to the meaning our relationship holds. Its just something both her and I understand without a word yet still both of us fail at describing to others.  How do you begin to share a story that goes back to the years to a time where we were both just kids - to a time we didn't know even who we were other than Michelle and Jami. How do you try to even find the words regarding the darkness sorrow and hardships we went thru that was filled with suffering struggles illness loss death anger pain tears hurt fears and so much more then times by two - for it wasn't enough to have to go thru it once we did it twice for good measure I guess... The kind of life moments when great loss happens that shatters the world you know and finds all the pieces of who you are tossed in millions of pieces across the floor.  When you are on the outside trying to look in you try to imagine what those moments are like - being in those moments with her and her mom are prolly some of the hardest and toughest moments of my life but yet i wouldn't trade those moments with them for anything. As a result of being in that darkness crawling through that darkness with them my life is forever linked to theirs and theirs to mine.
 So when someones asks me what is Jami to you - well she's everything and more. I have experienced life's lowest lows and life's highest high with her. I have cried with her I have laughed with her. I have learned grown and become more as a result of the life experiences we went thru together. Her face might not be one that I get to see as often as I would like but that's the thing about our connection our bond our relationship - i don't need her to be physically present to feel her strength her support her friendship her happiness her love her encouragement for her sisterhood is written all across my heart all across my soul - no matter the distance that comes between us or the length of time that goes by without seeing her the tie that binds us grows stronger and stronger whether we are together or apart. She never ceases to amaze me - most times I just love to sit back and watch her interact or communicate with others - i love to hear her stories and better yet the stories that many share with me about her. For they all simply fill me with pride and leave me feeling honored that maybe me being apart of her life might even just have the slightest influnce on how she became the Jami everyone knows her to be. I say that becasue I know that the Michelle everyone knows me to be was shaped and influnced greatly with having her as a part of my life. She makes me more and a better person for knowing her and traveling thru this life together with her.
I am unsure why life led us on such a course or how it came to be to find her to be the one by my side. Something I will prolly never understand yet always be beyond grateful and blessed that it did.  For if there was ever a person who knows me without me ever having to speak a word its her. For if there ever was a person who's mere presences put me at east it would be her. A few years ago for her 21st birthday Jami's mom and I made her a book - on a page in that book are the lyrics to a song called I'll much as that song was meant to speak the words for me to her - i know the same words come from her to me...Jami - my one and only, forever my person. my friend. my sister.
When darkness falls upon your heart and soul.
I'll be the light that shines for you.
When you forget how beautiful you are
I'll be there to remind you.
When you can't find your way,
I'll find my way to you.
When troubles come around,
I will come to you.
I'll be your shoulder when you need someone to lean on.
Be your shelter.
When you need someone to see you through.
I'll be there to carry you.
I'll be there.
I'll be the rock that will be strong for you.
The one that will hold on to you.
When you feel that rain falling down.
When there's nobody else around.
I'll be.
And when you're there with no one there to hold.
I'll be the arms that reach for you.
And when you feel your faith is running low.
I'll be there to believe in you.
When all you find are lies.
I'll be the truth you need.
When you need someone to run to .
You can run to me
I'll be the sun.
When your heart's filled with rain.
I'll be the one.
To chase the rain away.
I'll be 

Thursday, August 1, 2013

No one owes you ANYTHING

“Everything you want in life has a price connected to it. There’s a price to pay if you want to make things better, a price to pay just for leaving things as they are, a price for everything.” — Harry Browne

During the darkest part of the night, who do you blame?

Do you know who Mr. Browne is? According to Wikipedia, Harry Browne (1933 – 2006) was a free-market libertarian writer and investment analyst who was the Presidential candidate of the United States Libertarian Party in 1996 and 2000. He was also Director of the American Liberty Foundation.

I don’t know what these characteristics translate into or even the kind of person Harry Browne was. I did, however, come across this letter he wrote at Christmas to his then nine-year old daughter. The letter was dated December 25, 1966.

I have shared Harry’s letter over the years with circles of friends and family. The responses have varied. Some have whole-heartedly agreed with Harry, yet some reacted with defensiveness, even contempt, not only for Mr. Browne, but toward me for sharing. Some felt the letter was cynical, harsh, even cruel. There were also those who thought that Harry’s words to his daughter offered them a new perspective on life.

For me, the letter was a great reminder of the expectations we attach to people, outcomes and situations, and the potential blame we assign when we don’t receive what we have desired.

Who is responsible for life’s outcomes? Who is responsible for our experiences?


Harry’s letter to his daughter:

It’s Christmas and I have the usual problem of deciding what to give you. I know you might enjoy many things — books, games, clothes.
But I’m very selfish. I want to give you something that will stay with you for more than a few months or years. I want to give you a gift that might remind you of me every Christmas.
If I could give you just one thing, I’d want it to be a simple truth that took me many years to learn. If you learn it now, it may enrich your life in hundreds of ways. And it may prevent you from facing many problems that have hurt people who have never learned it.
The truth is simply this: No one owes you anything.


How could such a simple statement be important? It may not seem so, but understanding it can bless your entire life.
No one owes you anything.
It means that no one else is living for you, my child. Because no one is you. Each person is living for himself; his own happiness is all he can ever personally feel.
When you realize that no one owes you happiness or anything else, you’ll be freed from expecting what isn’t likely to be.
It means no one has to love you. If someone loves you, it’s because there’s something special about you that gives him happiness. Find out what that something special is and try to make it stronger in you, so that you’ll be loved even more.
When people do things for you, it’s because they want to — because you, in some way, give them something meaningful that makes them want to please you, not because anyone owes you anything.
No one has to like you. If your friends want to be with you, it’s not out of duty. Find out what makes others happy so they’ll want to be near you.
No one has to respect you. Some people may even be unkind to you. But once you realize that people don’t have to be good to you, and may not be good to you, you’ll learn to avoid those who would harm you. For you don’t owe them anything either.

Living your Life

No one owes you anything.
You owe it to yourself to be the best person possible. Because if you are, others will want to be with you, want to provide you with the things you want in exchange for what you’re giving to them.
Some people will choose not to be with you for reasons that have nothing to do with you. When that happens, look elsewhere for the relationships you want. Don’t make someone else’s problem your problem.
Once you learn that you must earn the love and respect of others, you’ll never expect the impossible and you won’t be disappointed. Others don’t have to share their property with you, nor their feelings or thoughts.
If they do, it’s because you’ve earned these things. And you have every reason to be proud of the love you receive, your friends’ respect, the property you’ve earned. But don’t ever take them for granted. If you do, you could lose them. They’re not yours by right; you must always earn them.

My Experience

A great burden was lifted from my shoulders the day I realized that no one owes me anything. For so long as I’d thought there were things I was entitled to, I’d been wearing myself out —physically and emotionally — trying to collect them.
No one owes me moral conduct, respect, friendship, love, courtesy, or intelligence. And once I recognized that, all my relationships became far more satisfying. I’ve focused on being with people who want to do the things I want them to do.
That understanding has served me well with friends, business associates, lovers, sales prospects, and strangers. It constantly reminds me that I can get what I want only if I can enter the other person’s world. I must try to understand how he thinks, what he believes to be important, what he wants. Only then can I appeal to someone in ways that will bring me what I want.
And only then can I tell whether I really want to be involved with someone. And I can save the important relationships for those with whom I have the most in common.
It’s not easy to sum up in a few words what has taken me years to learn. But maybe if you re-read this gift each Christmas, the meaning will become a little clearer every year.
I hope so, for I want more than anything else for you to understand this simple truth that can set you free:

No one owes you anything.