every morning and every evening i get in my car and drive for 20 some minutes...i am alone in the car and i found myself one morning months ago to turn to LIFE 97.9 - i guess in a way the songs speak the words i can't mouth and voice out loud...until the anger leaves i let music speak...most days the music i hear - the lyrics that are spoken bring me to tears...sometimes to the point i have to pull over...yet i can't speak a word. but i keep listening.
a few weeks ago i was given a book...what a struggle of a book it is to read...but i know its a struggle i have to get thru...if it wasn't for the person who I received it from it would prolly be sitting on the shelf...but I have decided to have a leap of faith and trust in her...I will admit I get thru the pages and take in the pages because she has to deal with taking in me - so it's only fair right? I will admit many of the topics of this book speak to me, yet I am highly certain it will take reading this book more than once to obtain what it has to offer. Praying seems so easy until you are faced with a time in your life that the one you are praying to is the very one that shattered your life by taking away the grounding figure in your life...so my words to him right now are not kind words - in fact they are prolly words that shouldn't be said or voiced in any form at all...so i remain silent...but i read the pages of this book - i absorb what is written on them and try to process thru. I find myself thinking how i can apply them to life and not just life in general but my life...i finally was able to say my first prayer...its was emotional, it was hard...it required more strength than i realized... i let him know i wasn't impress with his choice and i would prolly fight him on his reason for the rest of my life...but to help me see the blessings that surround me in this life - to help me embrace the simple joy and happiness again. was it even a prayer...doesn't seem like one now that i read it...but thats all i could come up with at the time...thats all i had in me...they say he can take it...take the anger - the letdown - the being utterly torked off pissed off mad at him...well i am not an angry person...i am the direct opposite. Maybe that's why it's so hard to see and admit that I am feeling such a way.
Since that nite - I have said one more prayer - and it took knowing a ten year old was saying prayers for me to get me to do it...it was prolly harder than the first. And it sounded even less like a prayer. I sat there tears rolling down my face - I don't know what to say. I don't want to move. I know I am holding so tight afraid of letting go that I don't even know what I am truly holding onto. You gave me the very life I loved and embraced then took away the source of everything to me. She belonged here. I didn't need to become more and I hate that whatever lesson you think I need to know grow and become is a direct result of taking my best friend - my mom. I would swear at you but my mom is prolly listening. All I can say is you better have a damn good reason behind this. A damn good reason.
Yup not a prayer I know maybe they will come with time. Maybe the anger will fade and I will be embrace by this understanding - doubtful. Chances are I will just grow to accept it and forgive - no promises I will trust in this but I will try. I am quite certain we needed her more. I am willing to bet my life on it. But I guess if I ever want to see her again I am going to have to trust in you and believe in you again. So I guess my third prayer is right here and now. Help me forgive you. Help me let go of the anger.