Morgan Marie - 7/7/14

 On July 7, 2014 @ 1:12pmWe welcomed Morgan Marie Goldmann - coming in at 9lb 7oz 21 inches long.  She right away reminded us all of her big sister Taylor.  Morgan was due on June 28 which happens to be her Granny's birthday - we figure she was having just too much fun with Granny and didn't want to join the clan of crazies that were awaiting her arrival.  Morgan arrived 21 days after the passing of her Granny - we so badly wanted her to come early to meet and have Granny time here on earth and when that wasn't able to happen we wanted her to come on Granny's birthday - but maybe we had it all wrong maybe she was suppose to come in July to bring us hope that better months lie ahead - that June had passed and it was time to embrace July and the only way to do that was to have this sweet baby girl arrive in a new month to bring new hope to life.

 Taylor from day one has been the HOPE in our lives...Thats just what she gave to my mom as she fought cancer - she fought so hard for her Taylor Time here on earth - it was something she did not want to give up.  With Morgan she is our LIGHT.  Coming here to help lead us out of the darkness of grief and sorrow - she has brought with her the faith in the gift of life - just the miracle that it is.  Morgan and Taylor will always be our JOY that much I know for sure.  Both provide endless smiles and fill our hearts with love.

 I will admit there are days I get pretty upset and life just feels so off without having Mom/Granny here. I have hundreds of photos of Taylor and Granny and not a single one of Granny and Morgan - that bothers me greatly.  But maybe just maybe Morgan spent time with Granny before she arrived - and there's a great chance the two of them have a connection - their souls grounded in the other in ways we will never know or understand - maybe its Morgan who knows my mom best and my mom that knows Morgan best. Maybe thats the case or maybe thats what we tell ourselves to bare things and get thru hard times.

What I do know is that Morgan is loved and will be loved always.  I hold her in my arms and just look at her with wonder - I wonder will she be crazy like her big sister and always on the go go go or will she be laid back and take in life at a slower pace.  What will be her story - that we won't know for some time but I am confident it won't matter what she does - who she is or where she goes in life - she will always be loved by her godmother and auntie chellie.  I am not Granny - those are shoes that will never fit correctly for me to walk in but i can always be the aunt that makes time - the aunt who loves thru it all - the aunt that is always up for an adventure and is always welcoming with a listening ear.  The aunt who always makes Morgan and Taylor feel loved in a way that being just who they are is always always enough.  Morgan, our family is crazy - we are full of adventure - a tad on the wild side and we live life right to the limits - nothing we do is normal but we sure do have fun and we sure do and always will love you.  Welcome Morgan Marie.

6.16.2014

 This is the post i forever feared to write - the post i have put forever off writing... i guess if i finally made the post it would make it official - as if publishing a post on a blog makes it official. On June 16, 2014 at 11:38am my mom, Paula Marie (Koch) Goldmann took her final breath and let go of this life  after an almost four year battle with stage four breast cancer. Funny how four years ago I feared this very thing - losing her...it is now a reality. i remembered thinking i would be prepared and i would handle her death in a certain way - turns out nothing can prepare you for that kind of life shattering loss.

 I believe we will all have a great loss in our life - a loss that will rock your entire life to its core - that will forever alter who you are and the way you live your life...losing my mother is mine.  As much as i love my family - my dad - my brothers i always viewed losing her as the worse possible person to have to live this life without...turns out i was smack dab on with that. 

 Most days i will wake up and there will be a split second where i feel semi-normal then losing her comes flooding back and i realize my life is like a bomb dropping site - and i just some how was left untouched. I spent 33 years on this earth with her living and loving life...now i feel as if i am living a life that doesn't fit me anymore - yet i have no clue what i am suppose to do or where i am suppose to be. She was my compass my north the one that grounded me and kept me on course - i literally had no idea just how much was  linked back to her.

 i know she would want me to be happy would want me to live this life fully - and one day i know i will get better at this whole living with out her thing...i am not nearyt there but i will get better at dealing with the loss of her. One thing i know for certain i am forever changed with the loss of this woman who walked this world for 61 years.  i keep hearing her words "michelle its ok to visit sorrow and darkness - to revisit it and stay for periods of time but don't make it a home." oh how i long to have some sign she is ok that she is somewhere  full of peace and at ease - oh how i long to feel her...for now in many ways i feel like i dreamed her to life.  i know the love she gave me - the strength and lessons she provided me to face this life without her - i know the blessings i was given to be her daughter but i can know all of that and it still doesn't change the simple fact that i miss her with every breath of my being. i sit on my bed at night holding a zip lock bag full of her clean socks...given my hatred and dislike for feet i find this somewhat amusing that i do this - i grad as many socks as i can hold and bring them close to my face and breath her in - and its then i fully know and realize she was real she was here she loved me and raised me she laughed she smiled she lived and she fought and she didn't want to leave but it wasn't her choice - she held on til the end fighting for every breath to be with us - that was the depth of her being the depth of her love for us - she didn't want to leave but had too. If she could endure almost four years of battling cancer we can endure the loss of her for it means she is finally at peace.  Our hearts are full but broken...life goes on and we know thats what she would want for all of us.  Oh how we miss you mom, oh how we love you.