am i still me...

In the past over eight months I have lived a life where most often i feel like a slug without its shell. In many ways  like a zombie just walking through the motions. All i hear are the same things over and over...embrace your life...be happy thats what she would want...go talk to someone. do this. be that. keep it together....the thing is...one doesn't have a clue until one is in a position of recovering from loss and trying to piece together a life that fit so perfectly together prior to when the bomb went off...words they offer no comfort to me anymore...regardless of how one thinks they are coming off or will come off...this is life not a pep talk for some big game...i often have the line they are meaning well come across my mind yet in the end words these days seem to do more damage than good. i get all these things that my mom wants for me. dreams for me...i know better than anyone because she told me...her words are what echos in my mind. in my heart. in my soul. Her gentle voice that comes to me in the my darkest of moments. yet that doesn't just magically just snap me into an alter universe where all of sudden i am whole. i am complete...i am me...

the truth of the matter is i have had half of my soul rip from me...and i am doing the best i can day by day and sometimes i have to take it hour by hour. i am not looking for anyone to fix me or make it better...because the truth is that won't lead me to the place i long to one day be...i long to be the person that i am...the person i am growing and becoming ... the person that i am capable of being and becoming. the person my mom knew me to be...the person my mom dreamed and wished me to be...and in order to be that person i have to do things the way i need to do them. Call it being stubborn or thick headed or call it simply as a girl willing to just go her own way. i have no clue what i am doing is right or wrong....most days i don't feel at all like the person that i was...and often wornder am i still me or will i ever still be me one day? Grief and loss throws you on this journey with no warning and with no map...you are left to just figure it out...and thats just what you are left to do...firgure it out. Done are the days that i have answers for those with problems or questions...now i just listen...because if i find no value in the words of advice that most give i highly doubt many value what words i speak...for the truth is this is life...we have to figure it out and choose whats best for us as a person.  i am trying to find myself and see myself and be myself thru all of this. and i know it will take me day after day to do this - and it will take some time for me to firgure this life out without her...but i am trying...and thats all i can do. I remind myself i am not a gallon of milk...grief doens't have an expiration date.

Am i in the best place possible...no...but i also know i don't want to stay where i am at...i will move again...and yet often i will return to this darkness - it will be something i will battle for the rest of my life...learning to embrace this life without her and letting go of the life with her...it will take a lifetime and then some...but i will always try and sometimes that just means trying again tomorrow. or even just saying this is how it is...this is my truth...this is the me that i am right now...please be gentle. to those who are struggling...and to those who are struggling be gentle with yourself as well.