Habits

We all have them...quirks we always catch ourselves doing without even realizing it. I tend to bite or chew the inside of my lip or mouth...crack my knuckles...sleep on this side of the bed...only eat purple colored / grape flavored candy...the list goes on...i have added one to the things that fall under habits..

I have yet to decide if its normal...if its healthy....then i realized it doesn't matter...its real...its me and well that makes it OK no matter what people may think...i  tend to go to the funeral home website and read my mom's obituary...how often doesn't matter...but let's just say its enough to finally add the link to my favorites to make finding it a lot faster.

Most of the time i just sit there and let my brain process it...its a long process...thoughts race thru my head...this is real...this is her obituary....this is proof that she is gone...this isn't a dream or a nightmare - its real life...its a process like i said...basically everyday where i have to remind myself more times than i can count that she isn't here..thats she's gone...i have to say gone because the word dead...well i am not there yet...i still can't link that word with my mom...i know its a fact thats just what she is or just what happened but my mind my heart my soul just can't use that word when thinking of her...soi say she's gone...it softens the blow...kind of....

The truth of the matter is its a journey letting go of someone...grief is a journey that well i am not able to understand nor explain...so i take it day by day...ok most often i take it moment by moment. i know i am slowly letting her go in the way that she would want...i am still working on it...gosh darnit i miss her...there's no words for the feelings and emotions you find yourself thinking and feeling..she was sure something...reading her obituary over and over i am reminded that this amazing woman i out of all people were given the amazing gift of calling her my best friend and best of all my mom.

habits...we all have them...some we are proud of...some we aren't aware we have...some we need to change and others we just plain need to accept this is who we are...

Processing.

The last year or maybe longer  my posts have been few and far between. The words just haven't been there...the thoughts the feelings the emotion are deep but i have found i lack the words to express describe and explain. They are slowly coming to me. I am still processing what has happened in the last 6 months - actually i am still processing what has happened in the last year to two... I have found the only thing i could do at the time was live it - not process it. not think. not understand. not feel...to just get thru the moment and figure it out later...my later is now here and i am starting to go thru this entire process of what happened when it happened how it happened.  I still can't believe she is gone. that cancer took her - the way it took her. its a lot to process - i am starting to realize it will take time - alot of time... the only thing i truly know is that i miss her, my mom, terribly.