The Strawberry Blonde

She was a face that i just couldn't place - someone i felt like i knew.  Thoughts going across my mind - i know her  - i am positive but the where, when and the how's just couldn't be linked together.  Our paths would cross here and there from time to time but i never thought anything of it. I figured she just had a friendly face with the kind of smile that makes her seem like you knew her - the kind of smile that wasn't easy to forget.

Life happened ... the huge blow of a loss was dealt. My life in chaos - my being lost in that mess of grief - sadness and struggle.  The loss of my mom and best friend launched me into a darkness of twists and turns.  During perhaps the worse time of my entire life the strawberry blonde walked into my life again - she showed up in the strangest and most random of places...at a mentoring running club for young girls. She didn't do anything special - she didn't know my story...she simply flashed me a smile and had this kindness about her. Fleeting for me is feeling at ease - yet i would feel just that around her, her smile got me to just breathe.  her laugh would spark a smile across my face. Her energy shot light into my darkness. At first I just brushed it all off...but week after week she just offered me more kindness and simple friendship in the most calming of ways. I found myself just grateful for the simplest acts of thoughfulness she provided without a thought to it, she had no clue what meaning those acts carry - and to be honest even now she still doesn't have the slightest hint.  Which tells me fully and completely she's real - she isn't fake.  She is simply just a good down to earth person who is genuine and sincere not just with her words but best of all with her actions.

What a blessing she has been to my life in these last months.  Our friendship has been formed and her friendship is something i find myself utterly grateful to have in my life. She has found it worth her while to befriend me - even thou the me - I am right now isn't the best verison of a person one would want to claim as their friend. But she sees pass the darkness - the brokeness -the uglyiness...she sees pass the trainwrecks filled with endless emotions ...and somehow sees me...and shockingly i allow her to see me and know me in such states, where i have struggled to let so many love ones see and help me during this time. But becasue of her friendship it has helped me allow those who so badly want to be there for me, in. I often think what did i ever do to deserve such people and such friendships into my life.

For 33 years i shared it all with only one person...and having that person taken from my life has left a void and emptiness in me that i know will never be filled...yet i am starting to think that my mom somehow has something to do with this strawberry blonde walking into my life...i believe she sent her...because she knew i needed her...and i think the color of her hair was the sign to let me know she was behind it all. i still don't truly know...and i prolly never will...and thats ok...what matters is i now claim this girl as my friend...my hope is to one day step up and be such a friend to her in return...to better her life in the same way she has enhanced and helped restore parts of mine...she is the friend i truly need that much i know for certain...there's only one true person that knows just what i need...she is the only one that knows what was taken when she left...and though she will never be replaced - she somehow found someone she believes will offer me the friendship - support and strength i have been lacking with her absent from my life.  To this strawberry blonde...you have become a life-line to my being. A light in my darkness. A laugh to my endless tears. Though you aren't here to save me, you show me and remind me that i am capable of saving myself. Thank you for seeing past it all and just seeing me...the me she always saw...i am beyond honored to call you, my friend. 

run...

I tie my shoes and head for the trail...its just me and my thoughts and the only place i now hear you. to those who pass by me - i am sure they wonder is this girl ok...should i stop and ask her if she is good? i often have to stop tears streaming down my face that fog my vision. a million thoughts cross my mind...the life i lived with her...the journey of battling cancer...the suffering, pain and struggle of the end...letting her go...the life that now exists without her. all the convos over the 33 years of our times together play in my mind - just pieces - words here and there pop in my head. i try so hard to recall it all to remember it all. i run...i run...trying to get to you...but i will never reach you...my heart feels like it will burst with sorrow. my lungs hurt...my bones hurt...its physical pain that i welcome for the soul pain the pain of losing you i can barely take it...how can one miss someone to the point their bones hurt...their entire body can hurt...how can one feel so broken yet not show one physical sign of being broken...i run...to what i don't know...in hopes of finding peace for my heart. for my mind. for my soul...yet i know i won't find it...i run...to try to clear my thoughts...to clear my mind but it doesn't work...i am consumed with missing you...thoughts of only you...is this the story of my life now...how to live without you...i don't stop because i think of you struggling to even take a step...so i run faster...i don't stop because i think of you grasping for air so i run farther...imagines of you throwing up endlessly and still having a smile on your face saying its ok...i am ok...i don't stop...i don't stop because i think of your suffering, your pain your struggle your battle and go harder...i slam my foot to the ground in hopes it wil prove some point to myself that with running i can make this better...but it doesn't work...a song comes on and i lose it to the point i have to stop and sit behind a tree and just cry...i can't even catch my breath...snot is over taking how much i am even sweating...i laugh and think no wonder why these runs take me forever to complete - too many emotional detours and delays...i listen to the words and they are speaking right too me...

"Fight hard on a night like this
Look for a star and wish
You could get out of it

Bite down and then pray, pray, pray
You'll make it through this to sing and say
You hold life dear

Moments turn to hours which become years...
And now I'm

Far from here, and we are happy
Far from here, we are all right
Far from here, things are peacful
Far from here, we have insight
Far from here, we've detangles
Our strangled hold
And I hope to see you there

Rise high out of this whole scene
Look down and separate yourself
From your worst dream

Then fly far and then stay, stay, stay
Out of the way until the coast
Is clear and safe

Moments turn to hours that become years...
And now I'm

Far from here, and we are happy
Far from here, we are all right
Far from here, things are peaceful
Far from here, we have insight
Far from here, we've detangled
Our strangled hold
And I hope to see you there

Oh, it's hard to imagine
The things that we survive
Will we understand it all
One day when we arrive?

Far from here, and we are happy
Far from here, we are all right
Far from here, things are peaceful
Far from here, we have insight
Far from here, we are laughing
Far from here, we are thankful
Far from here, we're forgiven
And for that we are grateful
Far from here, we've detangled
Our strangled hold
And I hope to see you there

I'll see you there

i run...i run...for healing that sometimes i wonder if i will ever find...i take a breath...i wipe my tears and get up and start running again...the thoughts...the memories...all of her come rushing back...and i run...gosh do i miss her with my entire being.

how can this be...

I wake up and one thought repeats in my mind...how can this be...how can this be real life...how can this be reality...how can you be gone...how can this be...i lay in the darkness eyelids so heavy but never close...how can this be...my mind can't comprehend the reality of the fact you aren't here...that you are gone...i can't grasp nor understand. how can this be...how can i feel so much and yet not feel anything at all...I just long to hear your voice - to talk about nothing at all - to be in the simplest of moments with you - to be just left intoxicated by your presences...to feel your warmth, kindness and love. how could so much of who i am simply be traced back to you.  how does my body continue to run and function without half of its parts...how can this be...i try so hard to focus to feel you...but i always fall up short...what am i doing wrong i wonder...or is this just something one says to bring you comfort never to realize that it actually brings you anything but...i don't feel you. how can this be...you have been gone almost ten months and it seems like years and years...did i make you up...were you really here... this is all bigger than what i can grasp - comprehend and understand. How can this be.... all i know is i miss you. i miss you so terribly much.