I tie my shoes and head for the trail...its just me and my thoughts and the only place i now hear you. to those who pass by me - i am sure they wonder is this girl ok...should i stop and ask her if she is good? i often have to stop tears streaming down my face that fog my vision. a million thoughts cross my mind...the life i lived with her...the journey of battling cancer...the suffering, pain and struggle of the end...letting her go...the life that now exists without her. all the convos over the 33 years of our times together play in my mind - just pieces - words here and there pop in my head. i try so hard to recall it all to remember it all. i run...i run...trying to get to you...but i will never reach you...my heart feels like it will burst with sorrow. my lungs hurt...my bones hurt...its physical pain that i welcome for the soul pain the pain of losing you i can barely take it...how can one miss someone to the point their bones hurt...their entire body can hurt...how can one feel so broken yet not show one physical sign of being broken...i run...to what i don't know...in hopes of finding peace for my heart. for my mind. for my soul...yet i know i won't find it...i run...to try to clear my thoughts...to clear my mind but it doesn't work...i am consumed with missing you...thoughts of only you...is this the story of my life now...how to live without you...i don't stop because i think of you struggling to even take a step...so i run faster...i don't stop because i think of you grasping for air so i run farther...imagines of you throwing up endlessly and still having a smile on your face saying its ok...i am ok...i don't stop...i don't stop because i think of your suffering, your pain your struggle your battle and go harder...i slam my foot to the ground in hopes it wil prove some point to myself that with running i can make this better...but it doesn't work...a song comes on and i lose it to the point i have to stop and sit behind a tree and just cry...i can't even catch my breath...snot is over taking how much i am even sweating...i laugh and think no wonder why these runs take me forever to complete - too many emotional detours and delays...i listen to the words and they are speaking right too me...
"Fight hard on a night like this
Look for a star and wish
You could get out of it
Bite down and then pray, pray, pray
You'll make it through this to sing and say
You hold life dear
Moments turn to hours which become years...
And now I'm
Far from here, and we are happy
Far from here, we are all right
Far from here, things are peacful
Far from here, we have insight
Far from here, we've detangles
Our strangled hold
And I hope to see you there
Rise high out of this whole scene
Look down and separate yourself
From your worst dream
Then fly far and then stay, stay, stay
Out of the way until the coast
Is clear and safe
Moments turn to hours that become years...
And now I'm
Far from here, and we are happy
Far from here, we are all right
Far from here, things are peaceful
Far from here, we have insight
Far from here, we've detangled
Our strangled hold
And I hope to see you there
Oh, it's hard to imagine
The things that we survive
Will we understand it all
One day when we arrive?
Far from here, and we are happy
Far from here, we are all right
Far from here, things are peaceful
Far from here, we have insight
Far from here, we are laughing
Far from here, we are thankful
Far from here, we're forgiven
And for that we are grateful
Far from here, we've detangled
Our strangled hold
And I hope to see you there
I'll see you there
i run...i run...for healing that sometimes i wonder if i will ever find...i take a breath...i wipe my tears and get up and start running again...the thoughts...the memories...all of her come rushing back...and i run...gosh do i miss her with my entire being.
"More than anything I want to trust in a journey that I don't understand."
"I write entirely to find out what I am thinking & feeling, what I am looking at, what I see and what it means. What I want and what I fear."
"Loving you changed my life. It should come as no surprise that losing you has done the same."
"I am living proof that a shattered heart can still beat.:
"I am living proof that a shattered heart can still beat.:
LOVEthisLiFE
- Michelle
- "Life lies in the JOURNEY not the Destination." Everyday I awake to embrace the day I have been given. Thru times of struggle and in happiness--I find reasons each and everyday to LOVEthisLIFE.
Every story is one to be heard....
"You have been given the chance to live, so LIVE."
"Your soul knows the geography of your destiny. Your soul alone has the map of your future. Therefore, you can trust this indirect, oblique side of yourself. If you do, it will take you where you need to go. But more importantly it will teach you a kindness of rhythm in your journey."
"Those who love you are not fooled by mistakes you have made or dark images you hold about yourself. They remember your beauty when you feel ugly, your wholeness when you are broken, your innocence when you feel guilty and your purpose when you are confused."
"I may not have gone where I intended to go - but I believe I have ended up where I needed to be."
"When I was 5 years old, my mother always told me that happiness was the key to life. When I went to school, they asked me what I wanted to be when I grew up. I wrote down 'happy.' They told me - I didn't understand the assignment, and I told them they didn't understand life."
"If you cry because the sun has gone out of your life, your tears will prevent you from seeing the stars."
"Some people just live life in a way that well seems against the grain - never taking the paved way the easy way never living to the checklist of life...but maybe just maybe they are seeking a little bit more from life."
"All of your life is about growing into your personal best...all of your life is about growing into greatness."
"When something bad happens, you have three choices...you can either let it define you, let it destroy you OR you can let it strengthen you."
"I ask not for a lighter burden, but for broader shoulders."
"Do one thing everyday that scares the complete shit out of you."
"Try to be like a turlte, at ease in your own shell."
"There is a great mystery that none of us will get until that last breath and EVERYTHING will become VERY CLEAR."
"There is something beautiful about all scars of whatever nature. A scar means the hurt is over, the wound is closed and healed, done with."
"Overcome the notion that you must be regular it robs you of the chance to be extraordinary."
"Too much has been given much is required. You must do something for the greater good to show your gratefulness for the blessings in your life."
"The CHALLENGE of my LIFE is to see how far I can take it."
"There are things that we don't want to happen but have to accept, things we don't want to know but have to learn, and people we can't live without but have to let go."
Never ask, "What reason do I have to be happy?" Instead ask, "To what purpose can I attach my happiness?"
"Maybe mistakes are what makes our fate - without them what would shape our lives? Maybe if we never veered off course we wouldn't be who we are now."
"The turning point in the process of growing up is when you discover the core of strength within you that survives all hurt."
"Michelangelo said the best way to judge the essential elements of a sculpture is to throw it down a hill and the unimportant pieces will breake away. Sometimes life is like that. It tosses us down a hill. But when we reach the bottom and only the important things are left, that's when our vision clears. That's when we hold on tight to what we know, while hope stirs inside us. It's all a matter of perspective."
"Clouds come floating into my life, no longer to carry rain or usher storm but to add color to my sunset sky."
"Even if I knew that tomorrow the world would go to pieces - I would still plant my apple tree."
"Turn your wounds into wisdom and your mess into your message."
"Even a happy life cannot be without a measure of darkness, the word happy would lose its meaning if it were not balanced by sadness."
"Your task is not to seek for love, but merely to seek & find all the barriers within yourself that you have built against it."
"Thousands of candles can be lighted from a single candle and the life of the candle will not be shortened. Happiness never decreases by being shared."
"It is impossible to win the race unless you venture to run, impossible to win the victory unless you dare to battle."
"The foolish man seeks happiness in the distance, the wise grows it under his feet."
"When you find the way others will find you. Passing by on the road they will be drawn to your door. The way that cannot be heard will be echoed in your voice. The way that cannot be seen will be reflected in your eyes." -Choose your own journey even if it means taking a path no one ever has.
"The truth is that our finest moments are most likely to occur when we are feeling deeply uncomfortable, unhappy or unfulfilled. For it is only in such moments, propelled by our discomfort that we are likely to step out of our ruts and start searching for different ways or truer anwsers."
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