Tuesday, September 16, 2008

I know- I finally see it...the time is now.

The seasons are changing...summer is fading as the leaves turn and corn & wheat are harvested...CHANGE...its outside now as well as stirring in my soul....

When does the time come where we must realize that our surroundings can be more? That we are capable of more? This summer I have been avoidin looking myself in the mirror because I don't like to stare that image back that reflects for me to see for I see failure, I see mistakes, I see regrets, I see mess ups-screw ups and falling without even the slightest attempt to pick myself up and try again...I have stopped trying all together. I look at that person and I don't even know her...I have allowed darkness to creep further and further into my soul and let negative empower positive. I have grown into someone that I am not proud of and even worse someone I am not proud to be around others. Someone filled with tempers, anger, and complaints. I understand people have high standards for people that they love...maybe they are to high for me to full fill...maybe I am setting myself up for failure...maybe the problem is..ME...the standards I set for myself are impossible to reach...maybe I over shot it all because of my stubborness of not settling...of not wanting or having or even giving the "so call" normal lifestyle a chance. I know that I am not above or beyond that and the truth is there are days that I want just that...but when it comes down too it...the dreams may be there but the reality never is...its in my gut...its in my being...its in my soul...its deep thoughts that started out as a whisper but now speaks loud and clear everytime I try to picture...its not in your cards...its not a pity party or depressing thoughts of a life I will never have...its me being honest with me..

...and I have to realize I can't sit around and wait for a life to chose me, for a man to chose me, for a job to chose me, for a path-journey to chose me...something in a huge way I have been doin since I graduated...I have been waiting...waiting...waiting..waiting...what am I waiting for. I miss that reflection in the mirror of a girl with a sparkle in her eye, with the attitude that she could change it all-change this world by just being apart of it and living it. I miss that girl who thought she made a difference, that she had a purpose and a reason...and there was meaning behind it all why she took so darn long to embark, travel and finish. I miss that girl that carried with her the faith, belief and hope that she had greatness in her. The girl that never doubted, never second guessed, never thought any of it was impossible, unreachable, or just straight up crazy. The girl that only truly listened to her voice, who only followed herself. Where did that person go?? Do we all lose a part of that person as time goes by? Are we changed slowly over time due to sorrow, pain, hurt, failure or just change itself? Are we forced into a different person because of the fact that we had dreams and visions of our lives that never were? And if so how do we get it back?

I think of my teachers, and still like back then I thought the world of them and of what they thought of me...I wonder what they would say of the Michelle Goldmann at age 27? What one certain man would say to me, what his advice would be for me, his life lessons he would tell me to help me at this stage of my life. What his stories would be for me to relate to and make me feel like I am not the only person--that I am not crazy. Would he be proud of me or let down? I think of what one of my teachers wrote..."You got so much-use it wisely." Was she just being nice? Did she really mean it? Whatever ever it was...I took that 7 word sentence and buckled it to my soul...have I used it wisely? did I waste it? is it still there? What would she say to me right now? A past and present filled with some many people who I admire-respect-love--teachers, co-workers-friends-family-student/athletes--so many who have supported, encouraged, inspired, understood and believed in me...and thats when I have the hardest part lookin at that person in the mirror--and thats also my biggest motivator--the loudest voice screammin at me to make a change--to get back on track--to take a hold of my life--to do something with my life--to just pick a darn path already and do something...to grow to become a person I will stare back and smile at. A person that I am proud to be, a person who believes in herself, a person who is positive about being her and the life she leads and lives.

Well now that I faced that demon which I have been carryin with me for sometime...its time to stop talking about life...and actually live it...its time to stop talking about what I am goin to do and actually do something...its time...new journeys...they suck to start and suck to end...just like change...it sucks...for if it wasn't anything other than being sucky at first...everyone would go seek out change...count me as the moron that is seeking it out...time will tell where it leads me and takes me.

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