365 days

Look closely at these faces can you see the change two photos from before the Big C came into our lives and two photos after the Big C decided to make its new home inside of my mom. Before the Big C yes we were a family. Yes we could be found most of the time laughing, smiling and having a good time. Yes we found the glass of life half full. Yes we enjoyed to be in each other's presences. But 365 days later after we were told Mom has stage 4 breast cancer and its spread to her spine and liver we are different, we have changed. 365 days ago we all had hair. By August 4 out of 6 would not. (let's be honest Dad has already lost most of his). We have grown as people and as a family. We have grown closer, we have slowed down and enjoyed the moment. We are taking notice of the simple little blessings, we find ourselves grateful to just be here. 365 days later we are stronger. we are more compassionate. we are more forgiving. we are more caring and understanding. The rushes to get things done has left us and in its place the peace of just enjoying life. Its funny how it takes a thing like cancer to get us to stop and make the changes we need to make to truly LOVEthisLIFE. Its funny how death - just the thought of it can change how you view life and live life. For 365 days we have been living like we were dying. And let me tell you its been the best living we have done.






Yea there have been some out of our hands scary moments, moments that were filled with fear, worry and what if's - but there were also moments that we found laughter that made our gut ache and huge smiles across our faces that I swear wrapped around the back of our heads. Yea there were times we wish the heaviness in our hearts and tears in our eyes would escape us but there were also times where our hearts felt like they could burst from the love support encouragement friendship we were given by oh so many we could never name. 365 days later we have changed, we are different. But I believe those 365 days have forced us to grow and become BETTER - MORE. The greatest personal growth often comes from the hardest of lessons the most difficult of times. We have found we can bare more than we think. We are capable of more than we know. We are stronger than it looks. 365 days later we are left amazed how one woman could teach us so much more about life. We are left amazed that she is now teaching us the lessons we so needed to learn - how to live. how to fight. how to not give up. We are left amazed at her will, her strength, her hope, her faith, her determination. 365 days later we find the honor, the gift, the blessing it is to still have her here, to simply still call her MOM.

Taylor Jean Goldmann

The Goldmann clan is proud to say that on Friday, May 20, 2011 at 7:19 PM we welcomed into the world the newest member in a family of crazies, Taylor Jean Goldmann. For the first hours of her new life her eyes were open and moving around - very alert for just being hours old. She was spoiled with love right off the bat and greeted by both sets of grandparents with huge smiles on their faces, Grandpa and Grandma Mollman and Gramps & Granny Goldmann. Also seeing her just hours old were Uncle Jacorian, Aunt Michelle, Aunt Margo & Uncle Ryan, Uncle Mason, Cousins Brittaney & Madysen and two special people Nicole & Ross Ford. It was a room filled with love, excitement, pride and happiness. Taylor I have you know I have never seen your mommy and daddy with such a big smile on their faces, they already love you soo much.

Taylor, my little 'crack baby' niece - I have you know that I am as well as many are completely addicted to YOU... I am in search of a 12 step program already but hoping I never find one to be honest - I mean how could you not be head over heels for such a cutie.... Welcome to the family, in know its a bit crazy and wild being a Goldmann but I promise you its always an adventure. You will never need a reason to smile and laugh when you belong to such yahoos. You will be spoiled by all who know and love you. Esp your uncle Jacorian and aunt Michelle, I promise to show you the ropes on how to be a true GoldWOMANN. It will be quite a ride this journey we call life but thru the princess dresses and scraped knees it will all be worth it. And that Gramps and Granny of yours are pretty special - and will surely fill your childhood with love and laughter. Lastly I hope you someday know and realize how blessed you are to have such a great Mommy and Daddy. They are two of the greatest people I have ever known. They have waited so long to have you here and they are over the moon in love with you. We are so excited to love you and watch you grow and become Taylor.

A mother's love

Today we honor all those mothers out there... Whether you have been a mother for years, months, weeks, soon to be or have lost that child too soon. We honor YOU. We thank YOU. For all you do that we see, feel & know and better yet all the things you do without us ever even knowing. We are who we are simply because we call you MOM.

After the past year in the Goldmann household we know more so now just what a gift we have been given to have someone so special to call our, Mom. She is one special lady in the eyes of Mark, Paul, Shonna, Michelle and Jacorian. Our lives would be so empty without her special touch, words, and love. She goes out of her way to make sure we feel loved, to make sure we know that we matter. In her eyes our needs and wants seem to comes always before hers. She is the true meaning of strength, courage and hope. She is a teacher. She is a wife. She is a friend. She is a chef. She is a reader. She is a listener. She is a healer. She is a smile & a laugh. She is the reasonable one. She is the one that makes us make sense. She is a fighter. She is a survivor. She is a hero. She is a mother's love that changes us all for the better by being apart of our lives. We love you, Mom.

Birthday Shout Out {part I}

It is a must to give my Aunt Renee a birthday shout out today. She's a pretty special lady. A gal with a smile on her face and always willing to share a laugh. Family gatherings are always a hoot when she's in the room. She's silly, crazy, wild, fun, caring, kind and loving. She's in love with the great outdoors and horses. She's always making time for the people that matter to her most, her family. And oh do we love her so. So today Aunt Renee I hope you know just how proud we are. how grateful we are. how blessed we are. To have YOU in our lives.

Welcome Anastasia Renee Maruska

I am happy to say that the Goldmann family grew by one with the birth of a new little one at 5pm eastern time on 4/3/11. Travis and Sedie Maruska welcomed their second child, Anastasia Renee (named after my aunt - Travis's mom Renee). Shortly after her brith she met her big brother, Vlad. She is in a word PERFECT. LIFE IS GOOD. We are sending our love to Boston, MA and awaiting to see - meet - spoil - cuddle and give endless love to this beautiful little girl. Of course I will also be blinding her with my flash but well that's just a given.

Gramps is 92

I am a day late, but it was not forgotten. March 2nd was Gramps 92nd Birthday. So I gave him a ring last night to say happy birthday and to make sure he got my card in the mail. He sounded so simply happy. 92 and still loving life. A true example on how to live this life and how to treat others. He is the kind of man I hope I am able to find and live this life with someday. A man that defines honesty, kind, caring, and loving. My Gramps is the kind of guy that always does the right and decent thing even if its taking the long road or the high road when it would be easier to do the other. He goes above and beyond for his family and those he cares about. My Gramps is the guy always with a smile on his face and a hug to give. But what is the best thing about him is this, its the smallest gestures of kindness that mean the world to him, a call to say hello - a quick visit to see how he is or just being able to see your face will light up his entire day. I always feel loved and cared about around him, he always makes me feel like I mean the entire world to him. He has blessed our lives in so many ways with his gentle kind and loving ways. We have learned so much from a man that never spoke about how to live he just lived and let his actions do the talking.

Happy Birthday Gramps, I hope you know how much you are loved and cared about. I hope you know the gift you are to your friends and esp your family. We LOVE YOU!!!

Prayers answered.

Great news on the home front. Power in Pink is working for Paula. She went in for her blood work results and two month check up, today. Tests all came back good. Much reason to celebrate life and most of all celebrate MOM. She will go back in come April, every two months for awhile to make sure those nasty cancer cells stay dormant. In the meantime we will let out a sigh of relief and continue to say our prayers that she will conquer on in this fight and remain a survivor, with hopes she gains more energy everday. Her hair is growing and maybe soon she will shred the hats, wraps and scarves and embrace her new look. Like me, her hair came back a little different, instead of the red - I hear she's supporting the silver do. I am sure she's just as beautiful if not more. Congrats to the woman who defines true grace and strength. We love you more than you will ever know. Looking forward to seeing you soon!!! When we can celebrate your thus far victory on the slopes of the Fish with the views of Glacier. Can't wait!

Its Robert-oo's day of birth

Its my big brother's birthday today. So of course I need to give him a big birthday shout out from the mountain tops of Montana. HAPPPY BIRTHDAYY PAUL!!!! The up coming year will be a big one for this guy, Shonna and Paul will be welcoming their first child in May. Life will be changing, so Robert-ooo enjoy your last birthday not being a Dad. Sending my love and happiness to you always.

Shelley's birthday shout-out

My blog post today is in honor of my Aunt Shelley. Its a pretty big and special day you see, because today is her birthday. So of course I am giving her a birthday shout out and hoping she has as great of a day as she truly is. I hope she knows how important she is in our family but more importantly my life. I know I have her kindred spirit and the way I live and see the world are traits just from her. I am blessed to be named after her and above all call her my aunt. Love you Aunt Shelley.

Changes (of Hair)

After living 29 years as a blondie, I decide it was time for a change. Okay the real story is my brothers' and I decided to shave our heads in support of our mother having stage four breast cancer. Most would wait until she lost all of her hair. (Jacorian putting the finishing touchs on my new do - notice his head still fresh from the razor as well)

After watching it fall slowly out for a week or two we had enough, and decided that some people are leaders - others are followers. So Paula, found her three children with no hair - a first time ever because all of us had heaps of hair when we were born(this all happened early August). Our reason for shaving it was with hopes she would have

(Mom taking her turn and shaving the long golden locks off)

confidence to just shave it too. Above all when she would look around at the faces she sees the most she would see heads just like hers. (besides - if it was any of us, she would do the same without a second thought to it).

(WHY NOT make memories during a time we would rather forget)

It worked, and I think it helped her embrace a time in her life she would rather forget. Instead of crying she was laughing and smiling taking photos with her children. We decided to make lemonade out of the lemons life handed us.

Fast forward to the present time (Jan). My hair is now growing back, nice and thick. However there are some changes to my appearances. If you haven't seen me since I shedded my golden locks, there's a good chance you would pass me on the street and not even noticed it was me. These days my hair is coming in brown and get this it also has a redish tint to it. I guess that's what happens when you shave your head

(Showing off our new look. BALD is Beautiful)

for a red-head. I haven't had to have a hair cut since June. And it takes me a matter of seconds to do my hair in the morning. Its what I call simple life hair. And my costs for shampoo and conditioner have decreased because I don't go thru nearly as much as I had to use in the past. I have tried such hair styles as the Fohawk, the comb over, crazy bed head of a child, ball cap hair (you know after you have worn a hat for a long period of time), spiked - its kind of fun to say ya I wore my hair like that at one time.

Its all about embracing the changes of life- in this case hair. For it the end it was all worth it, and I would do it all over again in a heartbeat. It pretty cool to say ya I shaved my head. Not alot of girls can say that they did it by choice.

(With my brothers Paul & Jacorian, loving our new looks perfect for the summer sun)
I will never forget what it felt like that night - it was the most liberating feeling I have ever felt. Almost like I was sticking it to the man - how ever that saying goes. Or maybe it was a feeling of honor - pride because I was taking a stand with and for a woman I utterly admire and hold to the highest regards. Whatever that word was that expressed that moment in time - it was a feeling I never want to forget for I know in that moment I was empowering a woman who has always empowered me. It was the very least I could do to show her my graditude, support and love. For now when we look back we can share in that time - a time where we all didn't have hair.

(If you ask Paul, Jacorian and I we would tell you our Mom has never looked more beautiful, eyes filled with faith-hope and love and a smile that is beyond beatiful. She's our reason... for our new looks and we were beyond proud to share in her darkness her journey and we love her to a depth that will never find an end. For we are better, we are more because we simply call this amazing woman, MOM.)

Love stories.

"You are my sun, my moon and all my stars." -E.E. Cummings

I read this quote and I can only think of two couples. My grandparents. Florian 'Goldy' & Miranda Goldmann and Jacob & Tillie Koch. I think of the time when they first met, when they started dating, when they fell in love, when they became engaged and then married, when they started a family. To me what a time to live, and have your love story, in the 1940's. I look at photos and to me they all look amazing and just classy. Back in the days of suit jackets, ties, dresses, hats and pearls. Back in the days of using Darling instead of Babe. Back in the days of courting and taking your time to get to know each other. Back in the days where it seemed so simple to just be together and that's all you needed. It wasn't about pricey dates, trips or gifts. It was the American dream to just fall in love, start a family and live in a simple home. It wasn't about bigger is better. Maybe that's why so many marriages lasted. They knew who they were marrying and they lived within their means. Sometimes well often I wish I was a girl living in the 40's. But then again like the saying goes the grass is always greenier. So instead I look at the photos of my grandparents and smile for I know they were living the quote from E.E. Cummings. They lived their love story throughout the years and I am so proud to be apart of that story.

Holidays Part 2

So the first day that my parents, brother, Kobe and my cousins came into town we packed up into the car and adventured to Bigfork, MT and to Flathead Lake. We had lunch on the Flathead Lake at the Raven and then visited the shops while my father and brother hit up the Garden Bar. Thou standing right by the lake was bone chilling cold we battled it, because the view was worth it.

Britty & Mady with Flathead Lake backdrop

Jacorian & Kobe taking in the views of Flathead Lake

Outside the Raven on Flathead Lake

(note Kobe is wearing PINK for PAULA.)

Part of the Family on Flathead Lake

Holidays Part 1

So I am finally getting around to posting some photos taken over the Holidays. First up photos taken of my parents. Two people I think are top shelf. So call them Mr. and Mrs Goldmann others Mark and Paula... I call them Dad and Mom.

Mom and Dad at the Stube

Mom & Dad with the view of Whitefish Lake

Mom and Dad on the slopes of the Fish

Mom and Dad at Flathead Lake

Birthday Shout OUT

I would like to say a Happy Birthday to my godchild Madysen Kay. I hope you have a rockin' day because I think you are a rockstar!! Hope you know how much I love you and how proud I am to call you family and my godchild. I think your pretty cool - even thou you read way too much. You have a style all of your own, continue to be YOU. Your favorite Godmother is giving you a mountain birthday shout out!!!

Not just a House...

They were married in the fall of 1947. They were married for 60 years, had three children that they raised in the brick house on 1703 Monte Drive. It is a house that is filled with memories of growing up, birthdays, holidays and just everday Saturdays and Sundays. It just might be my favorite place to just be on this earth. For when you walk in the door you are filled with warmth, love and just security. Its not just a house. How could it be when Santa brought a puppy for Christmas? How could it be when endless games of wiffle ball and basketball were played in the yard? How could it be when we picked berries and feed the birds in what seemed like a paradise backyard? How could it be when we took over the basement and turned it into a 'little people' town? how could it be when we were woken up every morning by the sound of the chairs rubbing across the floor and the smell of maple & waffles? How could it be when we learned how to play cards, put together puzzles and played games at the dining room table? How could it be when we watched classic movies for the first time like Peter Pan, Mary Poppins, Swiss Family Robinson, Sound of Music, On Golden Pond, Gone with the Wind, and How the Grinch Stole Christmas in the living room? How could it be when we helped make ice cream and popcorn in the kitchen? How could it be when the candy store was found in the basement? How could it be when the best meals you ever ate were cooked in the smallest kitchen? How could it be when we were read the best stories at bedtime? HOW COULD IT just be a house. For its the place that holds almost every single best childhood memory that not just I have but so many other family members. Its hard to just let go of a house like that. But we do to make room for a new couple to turn that house into theirs... and I know one day it will be not just a house to them. But some things will forever stay there a wooden swing, a bird book little hints of Granny and Gramps - my favorite the wooden sign that hangs on the front of the house that reads The Goldmanns est 1947... why you may ask would that stay... Because Goldmanns still live there - their grandson Paul (my brother) bought the house.

When we let Granny go - it was hard but I found my air when I could just be in that house. For she is in every room. You can't help but go there and just be at ease. This month came another change we moved Gramps to a place he can socialize and live with others around him. So its the end of an era in the Goldmann family. We are letting go - and finding new places for the treasures that were collected over a lifetime of 60 years plus. Sometimes I find its hard to throw to donate how could you when so many little things hold a memory. Maybe not to us but to the lives of Granny and Gramps. Many may see just shells but I see them walking (hand in hand) the beaches of Hawaii looking and finding those shells. Many will see just a serving spoon or dish but I see a lady that spent hours and hours in the kitchen cooking the prefect meal for her family. Many may just see souvenirs from somewhere but I see it as something that holds a memory of a trip to Hong Kong to Mexico, to Alaska, to this place and that. For I was told so many stories by two of the greatest story tellers of all and many of those stories were told as they held this or that in their hands. Thou I know the home holds many of those many may see things, we can't possibly keep them all. So we take the ones that holds the strongest memories. For me it was a writing desk that belonged to my Great Aunt. Its the place that my grandmother wrote to me, to my brothers, to my cousins, to my aunts, to my parents, to my distance relatives... A desk that is filled with complete memories of her which will now be my place to write and I couldn't be more honored. Side note it is also the new home for all those many may see items (thou I didn't take them all - some we just had to let go of but I took many that the rest of the family decided to pass on). So call it what you may junk - things you can go without - items that need to be thrown or donated but I see it as treasures that holds the memories of two of the greatest people I will ever know. It holds the love and happiness they gave. And I keep them in hopes one day I may have such a life such a legacy and above all a home to keep such things that will with great hopes be not just a house.

Paula Power

We all met at the Women's Way on a beautiful fall evening (10.15.10). Most have never been to such an event, but we show up because of Paula, we stopped by all the booths, we chatted, we laughed, we smiled, we WALKED. We were quite a seen - hard to miss... We had PAULA POWER and by the end of the night many did too... Here are some photos of the night.

She's the Paula behind Paula Power!

Hugs from Shonna, Paula was so surprised not just by the shirts but by how many were walking just for her.


The candles lighting our way.

The Goldmann Family

Seeing such a sight you are reminded just how simple life should be.

The Mollman Sisters -Shonna and Margo with Paula (minus one, thou Amanda wore her shirt in Colorado with pride.)

Lighting Hope for a CURE.

Paula and Mark (my life's true teachers)

Paula with her boys, Jacorian and Paul

Going Pink for Paula Power the Goldmann Family Official Photo from the Women's Way Breast Center Event held 10.15.10

Paula with Karla and Mady. We missed you Brit and Brad.

Mark dressed in pink for his Paula.

Michelle with her Hero.

Paula with just a few of the Mollmans (Shonna's family). Bonnie, Greg, Margo, Kyle, Shonna and Mason more would have loved to be in the photo and take part in the event however the distance didn't allow. You were there in spirit.

Paula with Renee, Christie, Brian, Canyon, Callie and Emily.

Paula with Ross and Nicole Ford.

SISTERS (Mary Jane, Paula and Karla)

Paula with Shonna, Paul and Champ (even the dog was proud to wear pink).

Paula with Champ, Jacorian and Kobe. The pups were so excited to walk and of course wear pink.

The pre-walk photo of the PAULA POWER walking group.

The post-photo PAULA POWER photo.

Yes it was a first time event for many of us. And yes it was because of Paula that brought us there, but each of us changed a little that evening. Each of us grew from that evening. Each of us realized that life is precious whether someone is battling cancer, morning a loved one or just simply everyday living life is meant to be lived each day as a gift. Here is to HOPE for a CURE. Not just to breast cancer but to all cancer.

Since June.

Mom went from having nothing pink in her closet to having too much to chose from.
Our black lab, Kobe has become very protective of Mom, barking and not wanting anyone to come close to her on his watch.
We know how to speak in medical terms (fyi this doesn't fully mean we know what we are talking about).
We now look at the calendar in terms of how many chemo treatments are left.
We have felt the compassion support and love from people close far and half ways around the world.
We have found ourselves wrapped in warmth by such caring people while we walk in this unknown darkness.
Found out that Mom can sleep just about anywhere if she has a blanket and pillows (the boat, the camper, the car...just because she's sick doesn't mean she has to miss out.)
We now have excuses if we get pulled over for speeding ---but she has cancer... however this doens't work if she's not in the car with you.
We have a fridge that is never empty because of food constantly being dropped off.
Paula has gained control of the remote over Mark... this doesn't happen.
Thou she's sick with a fever my father still claims she can sit in a tree stand.
Three kids shaved their heads to lead their mother into the darkness in hopes their bald heads will reflect light to guide the way.
We no longer wait to live.
We take part in cancer walks events and runs (and have shirts that say Paula Power)
We cherish simple everyday moments we have with this lady we call Mom and Paula.
Paula has been told the meaning she has given to so many - some in this life never hear such things first hand.
We look forward to chemo treatments because its a social time to visit chat and laugh.
We have met such people like Dr. Addo, Stacey and the rest of the staff at Phoenix Mind and Body and not just think of them as friends but as family.
Paula and Mark have connected back in touch with friends and family.
We have learned to see the gift in today and not wait to say and do til tomorrow.
We have found ourselves walking in the darkness of the unknown but realize just how much life means now in this moment. We live with our soul now. We know the beautiful life holds especially in the darkness.

Most of all thru all the unknowns we wouldn't wish for a do over or a different path. We are growing and becoming as people and as a family. There's a meaning to this journey. There's a reason. And I believe its because since June (Paula) my mother has never been more beautiful and stronger. Since June life didn't seem like we were truly living it... Since June have found we finally have started.

You will always be, right there in my heart.

There's certain dates that will always come to mind, for they hold meaning beyond words. Some days are happy ones to remember births weddings and so on. However there also those of deaths and sorrow. I have come to realize thou that when such dates come I think of the day as a celebration of their life not one of sorrow. Oct. 20 was the day that Granny, left this journey for another. She was an amazing lady, and no matter how much I tell you or what I tell you it will never do justices and it will never be enough. She was my first best friend. She was a mother to me. She was a playmate, a story teller, a chef - a baker, a kind and gentle soul. She was my biggest fan. She was the one who always wrote letter after letter to me. She was the one that was never too busy to hear about my day. She was the one who was so happy to just sit and have a cup of tea. I miss her but know the gift it is to have all those years with her. To have all those memories with her. She brought color to my world. My childhood was filled with so many great memories because I was simply blessed to call her Granny. I hope where ever you are that you know how much I love you, Granny. I so very wish I could sit and talk. But know that my time spent here without you is meant to be lived to its very fullest so I will do just that for you. In your honor I will enjoy this cup of hot tea and think of all the memories that I lock forever away in my heart of you. For I know I will always keep you right there, in my heart.

He's the guy...

He's the guy that keeps us on our toes. He's the guy that is always making us laugh and smile. He's the guy that loves fall because it brings hunting. He's the guy that loves to spend his summer days fishing. He's the guy that is in heaven when his family are all packed into the Griz. He's the guy who is rocking out to Lady Gaga and Ke$ha. He's the guy that loves his crown and waters. He's a guy who spends way too much time at Scheels. He's the guy that would give the shirt right off his back from his family. He's a guy that is madly in love with my mother. He's the guy that can't sit still. He's the guy that makes everything so simple in this life. He's the guy that has more wisdom than humor believe it or not. He's the guy that makes our family complete. He's the guy who's birthday is today. He's the guy who we call Dad. Happy Birthday Daddi-o. Oh how blessed we are to have you in our lives. We love you, ya big goon.

missing you, Granny

Tomorrow it would be your birthday. Oh how I miss you. What I would give to see a letter in my mailbox from you or have a hot cup of tea and just talk about life or nothing at all. What I would give you see you clap your hands and open your arms to wrap me in one of your hugs. What I would give to see you at the back steps waving me goodbye. What I would give to see that huge beautiful smile come across your face when I walk into the house. What I would give to hear that soft gently English voice speaking words of wisdom. What I would give just to spend the day with you. I hope you are enjoying your paradise, I look forward to seeing you again. Love You Granny, Happy (early) Birthday.