365 days later...

Here I sit...at one point in time I wondered how I would get thru even one hour without you...then it was how would I get thru the day - the week - the month...yet somehow I managed to make it thru an entire year without you...365 days... I didn't think it was possible...I still can't believe it was possible. No doubt the hardest year of my entire life...I can not grasp the fact that its been an entire year. As much as I wanted my world to stop with yours, it didn't. Even without me feeling like I was alive the world kept moving on and dragging me with it. God I miss you, and I am in a constant state of wonder...where are you...what are you up too...do you miss us where you are at...do you watch over us...do you see me...do you hear me...sometimes I hope the answer is no to that. Because I am sure its a sight you would not enjoy. You were our world - our glue - our foundation - our center - our calm - our compass. It just feels now we are in a constant state of trying to figure this all out. And its been a massive struggle without you. I will be straight up honest I have found I don't even know who I am without you. Its almost like I have become this entirely new person and I getting to know her and she is just so different in so many ways than the girl I once was. I came up with a saying to describe growing and becoming this new well me...losing her to find me. The her is both you and the old me. Some days Mom, the best part of the day is that I simply made it thru it - the loss of you has taught me so much about grief, empathy, loss, sorrow, understanding. The loss of you has taught me so much about life, it has in the most cruel way striped me to the bare bones and to my raw flesh regarding so many aspects of life that I thought I had figured out. The loss of you has challenged me in the simplest of tasks that now seem like the biggest challenges of my entire life. Breathing at times is one of these task, calming myself, focusing, not zoning out the lists goes on. So many things that came so naturally to me fail to even be apart of this new me it seems. I know it takes time. Healing takes time. But my goodness the process of living without is has truly rocked my world.  I am in a constant state of trying to balance letting go and holding on. I think back to you being around my age when you loss your father to cancer and now I wish I would have asked more - how did you carry on and live without him. How did you tackle your grief because you never showed it, you flooded our lives with love, happiness and laughter and now I can't help but wonder how often you felt what I am feeling. It blows my mind you are not here. I just keep thinking you are on vacation coming back next week...but here I am 365 days later and you are not back....you are never coming back. Reality that I literally fight at being true.

June 16, 2014 ...you took your last breath...now a year later I reflect back on it all...the journey of life without you...the life you lived...the battle you fought..your final days...the days that followed you leaving...Its a lot to process through...I still search for understanding in all of it...I search for answers to questions that I hold so tightly too and realize in the same breath that I never will be given the full truth. Life is meant to be understood only upon reflecting back I realize and even then somethings we will never fully grasp the meaning until we leave this earth. I won't ever understand it all...esp why you had to be taken from us. And I realize that this will be something I will have to come to terms with and chances are deal with for the rest of my life. I am learning that grief is like love there is no end to it - it constantly changes but never fully leaves us.

I remember those days when we brought you home. How your mouth was open and I started to realize as the days went on your body became less and less well you. And maybe your soul was truly escaping out of your body thru your mouth. I have never been witness to the true process and journey of one dying....one suffering endlessly and then dying. I sat there and just well stared at you, almost in a way that I couldn't fully grasp the reality that in which was unfolding before my very eyes. it was like a nightmare but one I couldn't wake up from nor escape. You came back to us in moments that were fleeting. And gosh did I just want to someone put my hands around you the you that kept leaving us and make you stay. How I wanted to make you talk to me, make you hold me, reassure me, love me, wipe my tears. I wanted your voice, your words, your touch, your love. Instead it was me who whispered these things to you. It was me holding you, loving you, reassuring you...When we would change you the boys would roll you into my arms and you would moan in pain and come to us. And I would hold you close and whisper into your ear...all the things I wanted you to say to me....its going to be ok (it wasn't for us...but it would be for you soon), we love you, I love you, you are strong, you are our warrior, you are beautiful, you are a gift and a blessing, you are my best friend, I am so grateful for you, you will always be my best friend. I love you...you could only get out Michelle Kay...in a faint whisper and if I didn't spend my entire life hearing you call me that...I would have likely missed it...and then the boys would roll you back...and you were gone back into such a state before your head even rested on the pillow. It dawned on me sometimes that morning what you were doing....you were holding on...and I sat there racking my brain for the why until I realized there was one person you hadn't heard voice it was ok to stop fighting that it was ok to leave. So I called up your brother Wally and put him on speaker phone...and he told you he loved you and that guy that told you to never stop fighting told you, its ok Paula you fought with everything you had - its ok to stop now and go home to god and dad. I love you....with tears in my eyes I realized your soul was in your body when he spoke to you. I could feel you there. when the room emptied I took your hands in mine and squeezed...I soaked you in...I took my hand to your face holding the other....and got as close to you as possible and spoke....you are so loved, we know you don't want to leave - if it was up to you, you would stay, everyone has now given you their blessing and have voiced its ok to stop fighting and to let go...its ok mom to leave us. we love you - its time to let go....I love you...and as I finished your breathing changed...everything changed...and I called for everyone .... we circled around you said the lord's prayer...and at the start of your favorite song somewhere over the rainbow...you took your last breath and let go...and in that moment I wondered did my first breath change you in the same profound way as your last breath did for me? Everyone cleared out of the room...everyone but me...I found it fitting it was always you and me anyways. it was too much for them to be in that room with you but you not there. Jimmy wanted me to close your mouth - it had only been seconds and it was already an impossible task to do...I choose to believe it was because your soul had to fully come out...it was just you and me...no words were spoken as the tears flooded my eyes and ran down my face. you were gone...I didn't leave your side - the undertakers came, and as they zipped you in a black plastic bag I thought you were too good for death...that this entire process wasn't something you should have ever had  to go thru...yet it was the circle of life....we placed you are stretcher with wheels and wheeled you out of the house you made a home...the place you wanted to be at to take your last breath....you place you in a hearse - shut the doors and they drove away with you....it was a moment even 365 days later I can not put into true words to express what I was thinking and feeling....I took a deep breath looked up into the blue sky and closed my eyes picturing the angels welcoming you and leading you into paradise...then I opened them turned around walked into the house and started planning the celebration of your life....it only dawned on my 365 days later I even allowed myself a moment to lose it...to feel the massive amounts of pain from having my soul shatter and my heart torn apart....I knew if I did that if I allowed myself that moment of weakness I likely never would have been able to do the things that needed to be done next....and I was determined to give the woman that always put other's first the celebration of life and send off that you deserved.  I was determined to not let you down.

6.16.14 was the worst day of my life....yet it does not go unnoticed that it just might be your most favorite day for you entered eternity...paradise...you were welcomed home...you met your maker...you were embraced by your loved ones...esp your dad. you suffered beyond belief yet were rewarded with being flooded with feelings I cant even imagine upon entering heaven. ...365 days later I have kept that imagine in my mind of your being at peace...at you being filled with fulfillment, happiness and above all love...and its been the only thing that has gotten me this far without you...knowing you are at home forever at peace. hopefully with that signature smile you know the one with the crinkled up nose with sparkling eyes...happy heavenly day to you mom. I love you, forever.