You and dad had arrived to Fargo - to start the project of extending my drive way to allow me to park two cars without having to play musical cars each time someone needed to leave. You arrived with a smile on your face and ready to start the fun we always had when we decided to under take a task. You seemed better than the weeks prior - thou you had pressure building as well as fluid in your abdomen - you were gaining your strength it seemed and your attitude & out look was positive. Your last public outing was to the Knoll - Cook Wedding held on May 31st. You were tired but marched on. We noticed you were having troubling eating for the last few weeks but you having a hard time walking and moving in general was new. That week you spent in Fargo we found you in the basement on the couch - in order for you to join us all in the back yard i found a way to recline you and make you comfortable to be outside with us. Oh the smile this brought. Soon thou we moved you to my room to sleep because the stairs were just to much to conquer. In my heart I knew something wasn't right. But instead I just thought she is just weak from the chemo - her body is run down - she just needs rest. I am sorry i never trusted my gut. Soon you were laying in my bed more than you were moving. I long for those days last summer where i crawled into bed with you and we just laid side by side watching HGTV...there was mostly silence but i believe our souls were talking to each other. I miss that utter closeness with you...no one ever knew me better than you and i truly believe no one ever will. God i miss you.
When you left Fargo you went straight to Bismarck and checked into St. A's. From June 5th to June 13th you fought to live. Until we finally were told the bacteria virus that was the true reason why you couldn't move or walk did too much damage. Your kidneys and esp your liver were unable to function properly - as we feared your life would be taken from liver failure due to breast cancer. Watching you slowly slip away from this earth suffering and in pain was prolly one of the worse things I myself have ever witnessed. It made me sick to my stomach knowing we couldn't do anything to lessen your load. I still have the nightmares of you in this state. The days where we prayed endlessly for you to be able to stop throwing up - for you to be at peace. And then were only followed by the three days we prayed for you to be taken. I know many have it much worse - your days of misery were numbered compared to others - yet it was much to long for those who love you to have witness and much much too long for you to have had to endure. But there you were...not a single complaint, not an ounce of anger or pity...how were you so strong, so brave...how were you still so loving and kind through it all... you amaze me mom. The way you fought your battle and carried the heavy load ALL alone with your undying faith.
May 2015 wasn't a good month and June 2015 has been terrible...i find myself reliving your final month - day by day. In many ways finally processing what had all happened. Sometimes just living thru the moment is hard enough you can't process it. Losing you has been the biggest challenge of my entire life...and i am quite certain it will be the biggest challenge i will ever have to face. The treads of your being are so tightly woven into mine - that when you left i was forever altered and changed. And i am now learning how to live without you...i know this past year i was just existing - just getting thru the days to have them pass....it has been a struggle of growing pains of sorrow pains and so much more. Most days i just long to talk to you and share all that i shared with you. how do you explain to others when the only person that truly gets it all was the one person you want and need but isn't here....there's no replacing you. i know i am being selfish...but i just want the life i had back...where you were here...where we talked. where we smiled. where we laughed. where we were together. where i could pick up the phone and hear your voice. where we shared our thoughts and stories...now you only exist in my head...you are imprinted on my heart and the trace of your being mapped all over my soul. its hard to let that life go where we even in that moment knew we had the whole world in our hands. i knew how blessed we were...i knew it wasn't everyone's story - everyone's life. i would fight for that life with everything i have - i still would. God, i miss you, mom.
"More than anything I want to trust in a journey that I don't understand."
"I write entirely to find out what I am thinking & feeling, what I am looking at, what I see and what it means. What I want and what I fear."
"Loving you changed my life. It should come as no surprise that losing you has done the same."
"I am living proof that a shattered heart can still beat.:
"I am living proof that a shattered heart can still beat.:
LOVEthisLiFE
- Michelle
- "Life lies in the JOURNEY not the Destination." Everyday I awake to embrace the day I have been given. Thru times of struggle and in happiness--I find reasons each and everyday to LOVEthisLIFE.
Every story is one to be heard....
"You have been given the chance to live, so LIVE."
"Your soul knows the geography of your destiny. Your soul alone has the map of your future. Therefore, you can trust this indirect, oblique side of yourself. If you do, it will take you where you need to go. But more importantly it will teach you a kindness of rhythm in your journey."
"Those who love you are not fooled by mistakes you have made or dark images you hold about yourself. They remember your beauty when you feel ugly, your wholeness when you are broken, your innocence when you feel guilty and your purpose when you are confused."
"I may not have gone where I intended to go - but I believe I have ended up where I needed to be."
"When I was 5 years old, my mother always told me that happiness was the key to life. When I went to school, they asked me what I wanted to be when I grew up. I wrote down 'happy.' They told me - I didn't understand the assignment, and I told them they didn't understand life."
"If you cry because the sun has gone out of your life, your tears will prevent you from seeing the stars."
"Some people just live life in a way that well seems against the grain - never taking the paved way the easy way never living to the checklist of life...but maybe just maybe they are seeking a little bit more from life."
"All of your life is about growing into your personal best...all of your life is about growing into greatness."
"When something bad happens, you have three choices...you can either let it define you, let it destroy you OR you can let it strengthen you."
"I ask not for a lighter burden, but for broader shoulders."
"Do one thing everyday that scares the complete shit out of you."
"Try to be like a turlte, at ease in your own shell."
"There is a great mystery that none of us will get until that last breath and EVERYTHING will become VERY CLEAR."
"There is something beautiful about all scars of whatever nature. A scar means the hurt is over, the wound is closed and healed, done with."
"Overcome the notion that you must be regular it robs you of the chance to be extraordinary."
"Too much has been given much is required. You must do something for the greater good to show your gratefulness for the blessings in your life."
"The CHALLENGE of my LIFE is to see how far I can take it."
"There are things that we don't want to happen but have to accept, things we don't want to know but have to learn, and people we can't live without but have to let go."
Never ask, "What reason do I have to be happy?" Instead ask, "To what purpose can I attach my happiness?"
"Maybe mistakes are what makes our fate - without them what would shape our lives? Maybe if we never veered off course we wouldn't be who we are now."
"The turning point in the process of growing up is when you discover the core of strength within you that survives all hurt."
"Michelangelo said the best way to judge the essential elements of a sculpture is to throw it down a hill and the unimportant pieces will breake away. Sometimes life is like that. It tosses us down a hill. But when we reach the bottom and only the important things are left, that's when our vision clears. That's when we hold on tight to what we know, while hope stirs inside us. It's all a matter of perspective."
"Clouds come floating into my life, no longer to carry rain or usher storm but to add color to my sunset sky."
"Even if I knew that tomorrow the world would go to pieces - I would still plant my apple tree."
"Turn your wounds into wisdom and your mess into your message."
"Even a happy life cannot be without a measure of darkness, the word happy would lose its meaning if it were not balanced by sadness."
"Your task is not to seek for love, but merely to seek & find all the barriers within yourself that you have built against it."
"Thousands of candles can be lighted from a single candle and the life of the candle will not be shortened. Happiness never decreases by being shared."
"It is impossible to win the race unless you venture to run, impossible to win the victory unless you dare to battle."
"The foolish man seeks happiness in the distance, the wise grows it under his feet."
"When you find the way others will find you. Passing by on the road they will be drawn to your door. The way that cannot be heard will be echoed in your voice. The way that cannot be seen will be reflected in your eyes." -Choose your own journey even if it means taking a path no one ever has.
"The truth is that our finest moments are most likely to occur when we are feeling deeply uncomfortable, unhappy or unfulfilled. For it is only in such moments, propelled by our discomfort that we are likely to step out of our ruts and start searching for different ways or truer anwsers."
No comments:
Post a Comment