Wednesday, June 3, 2015


You and dad had arrived to Fargo - to start the project of extending my drive way to allow me to park two cars without having to play musical cars each time someone needed to leave. You arrived with a smile on your face and ready to start the fun we always had when we decided to under take a task. You seemed better than the weeks prior - thou you had pressure building as well as fluid in your abdomen - you were gaining your strength it seemed and your attitude & out look was positive. Your last public outing was to the Knoll - Cook Wedding held on May 31st. You were tired but marched on. We noticed you were having troubling eating for the last few weeks but you having a hard time walking and moving in general was new. That week you spent in Fargo we found you in the basement on the couch - in order for you to join us all in the back yard i found a way to recline you and make you comfortable to be outside with us. Oh the smile this brought. Soon thou we moved you to my room to sleep because the stairs were just to much to conquer.  In my heart I knew something wasn't right. But instead I just thought she is just weak from the chemo - her body is run down - she just needs rest. I am sorry i never trusted my gut.  Soon you were laying in my bed more than you were moving. I long for those days last summer where i crawled into bed with you and we just laid side by side watching HGTV...there was mostly silence but i believe our souls were talking to each other. I miss that utter closeness with one ever knew me better than you and i truly believe no one ever will. God i miss you.

When you left Fargo you went straight to Bismarck and checked into St. A's. From June 5th to June 13th you fought to live. Until we finally were told the bacteria virus that was the true reason why you couldn't move or walk did too much damage. Your kidneys and esp your liver were unable to function properly - as we feared your life would be taken from liver failure due to breast cancer. Watching you slowly slip away from this earth suffering and in pain was prolly one of the worse things I myself have ever witnessed. It made me sick to my stomach knowing we couldn't do anything to lessen your load. I still have the nightmares of you in this state. The days where we prayed endlessly for you to be able to stop throwing up - for you to be at peace. And then were only followed by the three days we prayed for you to be taken. I know many have it much worse - your days of misery were numbered compared to others - yet it was much to long for those who love you to have witness and much much too long for you to have had to endure. But there you were...not a single complaint, not an ounce of anger or were you so strong, so were you still so loving and kind through it all... you amaze me mom. The way you fought your battle and carried the heavy load ALL alone with your undying faith.

May 2015 wasn't a good month and June 2015 has been terrible...i find myself reliving your final month - day by day. In many ways finally processing what had all happened. Sometimes just living thru the moment is hard enough you can't process it. Losing you has been the biggest challenge of my entire life...and i am quite certain it will be the biggest challenge i will ever have to face. The treads of your being are so tightly woven into mine - that when you left i was forever altered and changed. And i am now learning how to live without you...i know this past year i was just existing - just getting thru the days to have them has been a struggle of growing pains of sorrow pains and so much more. Most days i just long to talk to you and share all that i shared with you. how do you explain to others when the only person that truly gets it all was the one person you want and need but isn't here....there's no replacing you. i know i am being selfish...but i just want the life i had back...where you were here...where we talked. where we smiled. where we laughed. where we were together. where i could pick up the phone and hear your voice. where we shared our thoughts and you only exist in my are imprinted on my heart and the trace of your being mapped all over my soul. its hard to let that life go where we even in that moment knew we had the whole world in our hands. i knew how blessed we were...i knew it wasn't everyone's story - everyone's life. i would fight for that life with everything i have - i still would. God, i miss you, mom.

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