Wednesday, June 10, 2015

When fear is reality

I remember standing in your room...looking at your hospital bed....thinking wow your small frame makes that bed look huge when in reality it was your typical twin/single bed. it was late and it was just us five. You looked at all of were mentally with us...which at that time was fleeting..your eyes filled with tears as you finally spoke ...i  love you all so very much...i was given so much in this life - my greatest blessing was being your mom...i am sorry this happened that i brought this into our family - i am sorry i couldn't beat this for you...i am sorry for doing this to you... i am sorry... i love you...i love you so much...  but i can't live like this...i don't think i will make it thru the night...i don't want to live like this...this isn't living...i love you..we were all crying...we know mom...we don't want you to live like this mom this isn't your fault....we love you. we are so grateful to call you our blessed us. you loved us. you raised us. we love you....i knew in that moment the fate of her destiny was sealed...i was holding onto hope that she would bound back - turn a corner...i knew it was now only a matter of when she would leave us.  I remember not wanting to leave the hospital that nite...i didn't want to go to bed for fear she wouldn't in fact make it thru the nite...i feared for this moment for the last four years...and prior to that gathering in her room it was just a the difference was was really was going to really happen. i thought i prepared myself for that moment knowing it would one day come...turns out i wasn't prepared at all...for nothing can prepare you for such a moment. i am still not prepared...and i never will be chances are...but life continues on. i don't know how but it does...

it was June 10 well actually the early hours of June 11...she would be gone 5 days later...what a nightmare it all was...still is when i think back to those June days of the suffering and struggle her final days were and the exhaustion and pain that came to us as we had no choice but to stand by and watch. i don't think i will ever forget those June jaw just hurting all the time...from biting down so hard to fight the tears back...the intense eye headaches that never left as a result of exhaustion, no sleep and too much crying. staying strong - keeping positive - trying to comfort others We spent our days in the hospital with her - our meals eaten downstairs in the cafeteria as we took turns sitting with her while the others picked at food we forced down.  We would read to her - sing to her - watch tv with her in shifts as the rest would gather in the lounge doing just about anything to distract our minds from the reality that was our lives during those June days...we would laugh..and when we did i remember thinking i never realized how great laughing truly felt...what a simple free blessing we are given in laughing...She was one of two ways - lost in her own thoughts/world or throwing up as a result of pushing fluids to flush the high levels of ammonia from her body.  Neither were pleasant to all. her sleeping was a welcome state...i would often just sit and look at her was the strangest feeling to see her there yet not see her was my first realization that a body is just a shell for the soul...part of her - the best part of her had quickly started to fade out of this world - her body already showed signs that her full self had started to part...i sat there wondering how did we get is this her is this reality right now. things were moving so fast yet so slow at the same moment. we were all at a lost of words not sure what to think - what to say - what to do...our warrior for the first time didn't appear to be superwoman...our lives were hanging by treads - we stood on crack glass beneath us it was no longer a thought will it shattered now the thought was it was only a matter of time...the world that we knew life to be would forever be altered and we all knew it.

Such a moment can make you realize so much about we spend so much time - energy and thought on things that truly do not matter in any way shape or form when it comes down to is truly about the simplest of moments and i found myself wanting to give just about anything to have those small simple moments back with her. i sat by her bedside and thought of all those moments i was granted to share and create with much those moments  meant to me because i was given the blessing of her - that the single reason why those moments carried so much meaning was simply because of her. my mind would wander and i found myself thinking of all the moments that would now occur without was i going to face not only those moments but life in general without her. my mom - my best friend was fading from my life and i couldn't stop it - i couldn't pause it - fix it - heal only choice was to stand by, watch...and pray...i would say the same things over and over and over...please bring her  peace...please bring her peace...please bring her peace. soon the prayer would change to please take her. please just take her. please just take her now and end this suffering. when that prayer came a part of  what i thought of my lighted soul darkened. you are never the same after you pray for someone to have their life end...and a part of me will never heal from voicing and asking for such a request in prayer...and a part of me will also never forgive him for granting that prayer request...gosh i still wish this wasn't the reality of my life...i miss her terribly...and long to just be embraced by her comfort - by her light - by her soul misses her in ways i will never find the words to express...

i am unsure how but during those June days i found ways to send updates to all those praying and thinking of her. now those posts help me fill in the blanks during a time where all we did was get thru the day...i look at the the words...and think the blessing was her suffering thou terrible to witness only lasted for a matter of weeks...that was the game we always played - what could be worse....her suffering more than weeks...that could have been worse...maybe that was a could have been worse -hard to actually imagine what we lived thru and she suffered thru...but it is possible - many have it worse.  my heart goes out to those people that have it heart truly goes out to you.

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