Wednesday, October 15, 2008

missing you in october

The world doesn't seem to be right when you reach important day or days thru out the year...birthdays anniv. Milestones and even dates of death and reaching those special days without that person there.

I often wonder esp on a loved one's birthday who is no longer on this earth who'd they be today? What moments would you have shared with them. What memories you would create?? I think of all the smiles laughs we would have had. I think of the talks the everday simple moments of life that we are robbed from having once that person leaves this world.

October is a month of birthdays and dates of leaving this world of esp two important people in my life that I can no longer share this journey we call life with.and I have found it doesn't matter if they left us ten years ago or just one year ago their being not here leaves a void all too deep to fill in my heart.

My grandmother would have been 89 four days ago and it was the first time in my 27 years of life that I didn't send her a card celebrate that day with her or call her. I found it to be a very hard day even thou she lived a full filled life. I missed her soft english voice and her smile. I miss the look of love and pride she carried in her eyes when she was looking into the eyes of her children and grandchildren.I just plain miss her and everything that emcompassed her being.

When you stopped by the house whether it be once a day or once every two months it was plain as day by the look on her face she was waiting just for you and you stopping for even five minutes made her entire day. But most of all I miss her hugs. The way she would clap her hands and spread her arms to wrap you in a loving embrace.I miss seeing her standing at the backsteps waving goodbye with gramps by her side sending kissing and hugs like she did each and every time I left her house. I miss her letters which she always sent to me thru out the years usually once a week with random facts about the birds or the weather they were having. I miss writing her back.

When I was in australia I got a letter from her once a week if not twice. Which meant she was writing me almost everyday while I was gone. Looking back over the years I have hundreds of letters and cards from her- I am so grateful and blessed she took the time for it meant the world to me and still does. I learned so much from her and I am beyond blessed to have been her granddaughter and I am honored to carry so many of her personality traits.

After having a hard day on her birthday I retreated to bed where her bible filled with her handwritng sits and resting on top laid one of her hankies. As I lifted the very worn out cloth to pick up her bible which opens to her favorite passage automaticly as I read the words and then hers I brought the hankie to my eyes to wipe the tears rolling down my cheek and that's when I was received the best part of my entire day...the cloth hankie a year later still hung on to her life smell. As I breathed it deep into my soul it just wasn't a smell...I breathed in her being her happiness her love her life her lessons her legacy and finally truly realized thou I haven't seen her she truly isn't really gone. Happy belated birthday Granny!

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