Words I can't say

i have never had this problem before...and now i often can't believe the task it is...to simply form the words...i have only done it twice since June 16th...the words don't seem to form - the thoughts run so fast i can't stop them long enough to gather...my last prayer to the man upstairs was to take her...to end her suffering..to take her from this world...that monday in June he finally granted one of my prayers...not the ones of healing her and keeping her here with us...but healing her and taking her to him...since then the words - the thoughts - the prayers haven't been there...its not for a lack of trying...i try...they just aren't there. i have been to church when i am required - holidays, weddings and funerals for friends and family since...its a for sure trainwreck to come when i enter those doors...it doesn't settle right...i guess thats what happens when you are mad...when you are angry...i didn't realize i was to be honest...i thought i skipped that stage of the grief/mourning phase...turns out i am angry...and i am mad...and i am only such to one...funny how you don't see it...that you can't link it all together, until someone has the guts to tell you...to ask you.  to actually listen and then has the knowledge to fill in the blanks and realize. I knew I couldn't pray... i knew i had a hard time being in his home - sitting in his church ... but i didn't know the reason or the meaning behind it.

every morning and every evening i get in my car and drive for 20 some minutes...i am alone in the car and i found myself one morning months ago to turn to LIFE 97.9 - i guess in a way the songs speak the words i can't mouth and voice out loud...until the anger leaves i let music speak...most days the music i hear - the lyrics that are spoken bring me to tears...sometimes to the point i have to pull over...yet i can't speak a word. but i keep listening. 

a few weeks ago i was given a book...what a struggle of a book it is to read...but i know its a struggle i have to get thru...if it wasn't for the person who I received it from it would prolly be sitting on the shelf...but I have decided to have a leap of faith and trust in her...I will admit I get thru the pages and take in the pages because she has to deal with taking in me - so it's only fair right? I will admit many of the topics of this book speak to me, yet I am highly certain it will take reading this book more than once to obtain what it has to offer. Praying seems so easy until you are faced with a time in your life that the one you are praying to is the very one that shattered your life by taking away the grounding figure in your life...so my words to him right now are not kind words - in fact they are prolly words that shouldn't be said or voiced in any form at all...so i remain silent...but i read the pages of this book - i absorb what is written on them and try to process thru.  I find myself thinking how i can apply them to life and not just life in general but my life...i finally was able to say my first prayer...its was emotional, it was hard...it required more strength than i realized... i let him know i wasn't impress with his choice and i would prolly fight him on his reason for the rest of my life...but to help me see the blessings that surround me in this life - to help me embrace the simple joy and happiness again. was it even a prayer...doesn't seem like one now that i read it...but thats all i could come up with at the time...thats all i had in me...they say he can take it...take the anger - the letdown - the being utterly torked off pissed off mad at him...well i am not an angry person...i am the direct opposite. Maybe that's why it's so hard to see and admit that I am feeling such a way. 

Since that nite - I have said one more prayer - and it took knowing a ten year old was saying prayers for me to get me to do it...it was prolly harder than the first. And it sounded even less like a prayer. I sat there tears rolling down my face - I don't know what to say. I don't want to move. I know I am holding so tight afraid of letting go that I don't even know what I am truly holding onto. You gave me the very life I loved and embraced then took away the source of everything to me. She belonged here. I didn't need to become more and I hate that whatever lesson you think I need to know grow and become is a direct result of taking my best friend - my mom. I would swear at you but my mom is prolly listening. All I can say is you better have a damn good reason behind this. A damn good reason. 

Yup not a prayer I know maybe they will come with time. Maybe the anger will fade and I will be embrace by this understanding - doubtful. Chances are I will just grow to accept it and forgive - no promises I will trust in this but I will try. I am quite certain we needed her more. I am willing to bet my life on it. But I guess if I ever want to see her again I am going to have to trust in you and believe in you again. So I guess my third prayer is right here and now. Help me forgive you. Help me let go of the anger. 

Mady Kay

what...a graduate from high school?!?!?! when? how? where did the time go...you were just our Chuckie the other day...my leech the next and then i turned and found you grown...how is this possible...i don't know...what i do know is that you have grown into one amazing beautiful smart gal...i am so very proud of you, Madysen Kay. i know great things lie before you - just awaiting for you to embrace them...dreams just awaiting for you to grasp and turn into reality. I am confident all you will ever truly need already lies within you...believe in yourself and know that you can...and you will.  Don't be afraid to challenge yourself - for life is best lived outside your comfort zone. Know always that your family - me included will always be found in your corner - forever members of the Mady Zander fan club.  way to go freak, i am so very proud of you!! Cheers!!!

Kobe

5.22.2015

You were often the one that understood me best - you spoke with your eyes that always gazed into mine- you showed and gave me kindness and love always - way more than i ever deserved. it was you, Kobe that would comfort me all those night on the back steps crying - you who would come lay your head on my lap to show me how much you cared.  You were never just a dog, Kobe...you will never be just a dog...you were everything and more to us...i hope mom was the first one to greet you and your tail was wagging out of control and you were bursting with excitement to see your favorite gal. Oh how you loved her and oh how protective you were of her - esp when she got sick, you wanted no one near her. it seems fitting you are with her now...hopefully keeping her feet warm.  Thanks for being the best dog ever. We will miss you, Kobe and always love you.

She's almost a whole hand

5.20.2015  how is it even possible you are four years old, Taylor Jean. how is it even possible.  oh the joy, laughter, excitement and adventure you bring to our lives. From the first moment I met you - you owned the crown as my favorite little human ever...and in the years since i have only grown to love you more. you will always be my favorite giggle, my favorite i love you this much, my favorite kind of wild, my favorite sparkle....you are so special and rare - in a league all of her own...no one is like you and i am so very glad...i hope no one ever is like you...you know just always when your aunt sellie needs love and your hugs are the best form of healing to my heart and soul. you show such kindness and compassion that is way beyond your four years of life...you are a remarkable amazing awesome little girl. I can't wait to have more adventures with you - for life is always a ride with you. Never lose that excitment in your voice and that classic Taylor giggle - for when i see and hear it - i know it was from your Granny that you gained it from.  I know she is beaming with pride, joy and love for you - now and always. We all love you, Taylor Jean...Happy Birthday Tay.

Longing

Oh the reality of life. How is this not a dream or better yet a nightmare. How is this truly life. How can this be life without you. How is all this possible without having you. I don't know. I don't know so many things since you left. I don't even know how I got this far. How is it now 11 months and a day. It seems like a lifetime ago. I miss you so much. The word miss doesn't seem to do justice. I need better words that carry more meaning more power behind them. Because it doesn't full fill the depths at which I miss you and long for your presence. How am I suppose to do all this without you. This wasn't the plan. This isn't the life that i dreamed or want. It hurts - and I can't find a way to make it stop. My heart just hurts with the deepest pain and loss I have ever felt. My mom - my best friend - my person gone. How am I suppose to do all this without you. You held the meaning. You held everything. My joy. My laughter. My dreams. My stories. You were the one I shared my everything with. 

I miss talking to you. Hearing your thoughts. Your stories. Your advice. Your knowledge. I miss the sound of your sweet gentle voice telling me about what was on the Today show this morning or something you saw on HGTV. I miss you calling me to talk about criminal minds or the weather or what cute thing Taylor did while you were with her. I miss you telling me the simplest parts of your day. I miss the 14 plus phone calls a day. Where we just talked about whatever was on our minds. Now i sit in silence and just think of you. Wonder of you. Miss you. 

I miss my best friend. The one I shared it all with. You made life so much more. You made me so much more. I know I am fighting to on hold. Refusing to let go. Yet you are fading - like sand slipping thru my hands the traces of you are leaving and I can't stop it. I know there is a process to life. I understand I know these things - I am aware of these things my mind fully knows these things. I just wish my heart understood. 

What i would give to have you here. What I would give to spend just one moment with you. My soul aches for you. My heart is heavy with the loss of you from my life. I just long to be embraced by your light and love again. 

My tulip field

I sit and just stare at a photo of you taken last April. You are standing in a field of tulips. You had your classic smile across your face - you were filled with peace - you were simply happy. Your eyes taking in the beautiful of 1000 upon 1000 upon 1000 of tulips in every color you could imagine. Tulips were your favorite - yellow ones your very favorite. You just couldn't believe your eyes. The ohh uhh and ahhhs were rolling off your tongue. I could tell in your voice this in your eyes was paradise. You just took your time walking among the fields breathing in that intoxicating pure smell of beauty - you said this has to be a glimpse of heaven. You strolled so gracefully soaking it all up - gently touching a tulip here and there.  I stood and just watched you.  You were taking in the beauty that surrounded you  and yet the beauty I was taking in conquered what your eyes were seeing. I will always see you in the same eyes that you saw that field. You will always be my tulip field.

You never liked to pose for photos but that day you flashed me your pearly smile. You didn't care how many photos I asked to take. No words were spoken - no words were needed. We both knew. We both knew that these photos of you standing in a field of tulips would one day be the photo we sent to the paper - the photo that would one day be printed for the frame on the shelf - the photo for the program we would hand out to those who would attend your life's celebration - the photo we would look at to remember you. No words were heard or brought to life by our voices but we both knew.

That Mother's Day I decided to take those tulip field photos and print them on canvas to hang in your room. But you know me and surprises I couldn't wait. So when the prints showed up I didn't wait to give them to you on Mother's Day - instead I hung them as soon as I got them. You just smiled and said you brought that paradise to life. A month later we were gathered around your room at St A's. I didn't speak I sat in the corner as Paul asked you where you wanted to go...you were just waiting for someone to ask you - for the question wasn't even out of his mouth completely and you said  HOME.  They all left the room and you said to me - I want to go home so I can leave this world under a field of tulips. When we arrived you had this smile on your face - the same one you had when you were in that field of tulips. It would be the last time I would ever see it on your sweet face. You were so filled with peace to be home. In the house you made so very special for all of us. Filled with your love in every square inch.

On June 16th at 11:38 am you took your last breath under the canvas of those fields of tulips with somewhere over the rainbow playing. God I hope the fields of tulips you now walk in don't even compare in beauty to the ones you walked in here on earth. I hope the peace and happiness you felt that day in Oregon is times 100 more upon being embraced in your true paradise.  I hope your smile is even bigger and you some how found a way to be even more beautiful in heaven. 

11 months today - oh how I miss you. I miss you so very much. I often sit in silence and close my eyes. Tears falling from my cheeks picturing you in that field of tulips. Oh how I long for that day I arrive at that field of tulips with you standing in that paradise beaming in a light of utter grace, beauty and love I have never know to even exist - awaiting to welcome me forever home.... Until then I hope you know how much I Love you and how very grateful I am to call you my mom. 

The Goal has been set....PACING FOR PAULA

Late April of 2014 - I came home for the weekend - she wasn't doing well. She knew - I knew ... we all knew ... Her friends stopped by the house to see her and then proceeded to call - email and text me...Michelle - I think she is dying. Michelle I think you should come home. Michelle - she needs you now, come home. Michelle come home...were how some of the messages went. Upon walking in the door I found my mom on the couch with one of her friends rubbing her hands. I knew she wasn't well - i was prepared for her not to be well. I wasn't prepared for the condition I found my mom in. Thankfully she couldn't see me walk in the door - and i was able to compose myself before giving my hug hello to her.  When I slipped my arms around her body - the body that was literally no longer there i thought when did this happen...she wasn't like this the last time i saw her a week ago - how could this happen that fast...

Once i was ready her friend said her goodbyes and i sat down next to her...i grabbed her hands and started to rub them... She just looked at me for the longest time and finally said i can't live like this Michelle...if this is how my life here is going to be ... tears formed in her eyes...her voice cracked...it was the first time i ever heard her say such things...she couldn't even finish the sentence for she felt like she was letting me and the rest of the family down...so i stopped her...and said...i know mom...i know...its ok...we don't want you to live like this either. We just sat there staring at each other...i am confident our soul's were talking to each other and no words were needed...just a look. I could tell she was in pain...pain beyond what i could possibly imagine and yet she didn't complain...she was exhausted beyond belief and yet there she was being my mom...trying with every ounce she had to just be there. I would have given anything just to bare her pain - to give her rest, to carry the load, to fight this demon - cancer for her. Instead there we sat mother and daughter knowing the future we didn't want was approaching quickly.

That moment stung my heart...it was like a dagger to my soul...it felt like someone had reached down my throat and tried to pull my insides out. there were no words of comfort i could offer her nor she could offer me...it simply was what it was...it just fucking sucked...she wasn't impressed with my language. but it did spark a smirk across her face and a slight eye roll...with not knowing what else to do i picked up her legs and sat at the end of the couch and placed her feet on my lap...anyone that knows me knows that i dislike feet...actually i hate feet..i hate my feet being touched and i hate touching someone else's feet...but in that moment i closed my eyes and started to rub my mom's feet...i could hear the sigh of relief as my touch brought her the comfort she was aching so badly to recieve....she so badly wanted someone to rub her feet yet just couldn't bring herself to asking someone too...she said finally Michelle what are you doing...i can't believe you are doing this...shhh mom...i am pretending i am rubbing your hands...i opened my eyes to see the smile across her face...she knew as well as i did that no one else would have ever gotten me to do that...but my love for her outweighed my dislike and hate for feet..i would do anything for her...and i did the impossible just for her by rubbing and touching her feet.

The next day she was up and she was determined to walk a mile on the treadmill...when just the night before she couldn't even walk to the bathroom...she said my foot rub made her feel so much better she wanted to try...her attitude and determination was re-fueled...so to the treadmill we went...i stood beside her holding her up as she put one foot in front of the other - each step costing her more energy than she had to give...her breathing was deep...she was utterly exhausted...so thin and weak that she barely could hold up her own weight...but yet she put one foot in front of the other and continued. i offered her a pause or a break or a maybe we should do this later...but she shook her head no...she was going to do it...her stubborn red-headed fire was shining thru...she didn't lose that will power...she was going to do it...it didn't matter how long it would take her or what it would cost her - she was going to do it....So there we were mother and daughter -side by side next to a treadmill - taking one small step after another.

There's 5280 feet in a mile - that day i am quite certain she took at least 5400 steps to reach her goal of one mile - i don't remember how long it took her to complete that one mile...but i do know we were there for quite a bit of time but she reached her goal... she did it in the end...she was my hero already but by this display of courage and determination she will always be a superhero in my eyes. She set her mind to it and she wasn't going to stop until she succeed. That moment was just like how she fought cancer and how she lived her life...she never gave up...I am so proud of who she was/is and what she stands/stood for. Fighting to the very end until she was finally called home to be at peace. What a warrior.

In her honor...I have committed myself to running each mile...taking each step for her in first a half marathon and then a full marathon. As she was ... i too am determined to do it...i don't care how long it takes me...what it will require of me to complete...if i run...walk...or have to crawl...i am going to do it for her...for the woman that fought to walk one mile..for the woman who fought for each step her took...each breath she took...each day she was given...for the woman that fought with every single ounce in her to be here...to live...for me...for my brothers...for my dad...for my nieces...for my family...the hell she had to endure to live..and when i think i can't go on...i will replay that moment inmy head over and over...that memory of the weekend i came home to find her on the couch...that weekend were she walked a mile on the treadmill...and i will carry on just as she did...so mom..i am doing it for you...I love you.

(1st) Mother's Day in Heaven

Missing you today, missing you always. But today we should be celebrating YOU. Spoiling YOU. Loving on YOU. Why do I feel like this is now going to be another day on the calendar that will now approach and I will just want to crawl into a hole. I know you aren't wanting me to be lost in this darkness and you want more for me and for my life. I know you. I truly believe you taught me everything I truly need to know and with time the answers I need, the guidance I need will come when I am ready to face certain things. Our bond was so incredible close - we jammed so much into the years we were given and maybe that was the reason along...to prepare me for this...life without you...somedays I believe that others I don't I will say it all makes sense now why you were always so hard on me...even when I would be a sarcastic well ass telling you to lighten up or saying things like ughh Mom why do I even need to know this or that when it doesn't even apply to me....you were preparing me for a future on the off chance that you might not be around.....you did one hell of a job but ugh it would have helped me more if you spent more time helping me actually know how to live without you...how to live in and thru this grief. gosh I miss you.

it seems like you are coming to everyone in their dreams...you have been busy for many have told me. They of course than ask if you have been in mine...you haven't fully....like I can her your voice but you never actually allow yourself to be seen..i am guessing this is on purpose. Kind of like the time I was in Australia completely homesick and trying to video chat you...and the video on your end wasn't working. You could see and hear me but I could only hear you...weeks later as I conquered the homesickness you confessed to covering the camera with a towel, afraid me seeing you would be the straw that snapped me and that would end up coming home.  you were likely right in your thoughts and was a smart move on your part in doing that. Is that what you are doing now...protecting me in ways that you still can from sorrow knowing even in my dreams the sadness that would be attached in seeing you that would still likely result in me begging you to stay.

I miss talking about you, I miss saying your name out loud...I say it to myself in the car daily - out loud just so I can say it out loud. MOM...I love you MOM. MOM. I miss you MOM. Today I looked up into the skies and wished so badly I could be spending this day with you. I focused on sending my love to the heavens. hopefully it reached you. I miss you so damn much. but I love you even more. Happy mother's day, Mom. I hope even thou we aren't there to celebrate you that you are being spoiled in paradise. I hope you know how grateful we (me and the boys) to have you as our mom. how much you bless our lives. I wish we could fully express what you mean to us. WE LOVE YOU.

Grandma Tillie

5.1.2015 - Your longing wish and dream has finally been granted.  Tears of joy, love and happiness roll down my cheeks as i imagine you at last reunited with the love of your life, Grandpa Jake. Oh how you endlessly talked about this day...being embraced by him again.  Oh to love someone that much to live 31 years without him and to never love another besides him.  What a celebration it must be for the two of you together again.  I picture your strong faith being rewarded by coming face to face with your maker - i see the huge smile across your face as you are embraced by our Lord's peace - light and love...I envision the look of shock and suprise filled with joy upon seeing your Paula there. For in this world you weren't able to fully understand she had left. I can see her big smile across her face - you know the one..the kind of smile she gave that was so big it wrinkled up her nose...i can hear her giggle - the one she made when she was bursting with happiness...i can hear you say her name with the same smile across your face...i fight back tears knowing you are being embraced by her...half torn with happiness and jealously knowing you are with her. Then I remember you have earned this. You deserve this reunion. this happiness. this peace. this love. this joy....and a smile forms again. And i whisper good for you.

Grandma Tillie, i hope you know how much i love you. I hope you know how important you are in my life and who i am as a person. I hope you know how proud I am to be your grand-daughter and how honored I am to call you, my Grandma.  I remember it all, Grandma. and I promise never to forget. I vow to honor you in the life that i live on this earth until i am embraced by you again......As i do when i think and miss your daughter so much i can't find the words...i will now do for you too...in the silence so calming I can almost hear my heart & soul whispering to yours - i bring my hand - the same hands that were yours - her's & now mine and gently place it on my heart.  As tears stream down my face - i sit with these hands that were passed down to me, feel the beating of my heart - the heart - you first gave life to her and then she gave life to me.  I sit in the stillness not a word spoken from my lips for some thoughts are too deep for words...yet i know the both of you hear them all and know them all...for i am the breath and life of the both of you - my soul forever embedded in yours. A connection so deep - a bond so powerful that no words are ever needed. Your love and her love are all that remain in this world that you have left behind. What a honor. what a blessing. what a gift to know that love. to have that love. to feel that love. I close my eyes and picture the two of you now forever together...and i pray you give me the strength i will need to embrace this life without the two of you. I pray you both forever know how much i love you.

You have empowered my life and helped me become more by simply loving me and sharing your life - your lessons and your love with me. May the angels lead you into paradise, Grandma Tillie.  I love you. Give my love and hugs to my mom...I look forward to the day I see you both awaiting for my arrival - smiles and giggles included.