Longing

Oh the reality of life. How is this not a dream or better yet a nightmare. How is this truly life. How can this be life without you. How is all this possible without having you. I don't know. I don't know so many things since you left. I don't even know how I got this far. How is it now 11 months and a day. It seems like a lifetime ago. I miss you so much. The word miss doesn't seem to do justice. I need better words that carry more meaning more power behind them. Because it doesn't full fill the depths at which I miss you and long for your presence. How am I suppose to do all this without you. This wasn't the plan. This isn't the life that i dreamed or want. It hurts - and I can't find a way to make it stop. My heart just hurts with the deepest pain and loss I have ever felt. My mom - my best friend - my person gone. How am I suppose to do all this without you. You held the meaning. You held everything. My joy. My laughter. My dreams. My stories. You were the one I shared my everything with. 

I miss talking to you. Hearing your thoughts. Your stories. Your advice. Your knowledge. I miss the sound of your sweet gentle voice telling me about what was on the Today show this morning or something you saw on HGTV. I miss you calling me to talk about criminal minds or the weather or what cute thing Taylor did while you were with her. I miss you telling me the simplest parts of your day. I miss the 14 plus phone calls a day. Where we just talked about whatever was on our minds. Now i sit in silence and just think of you. Wonder of you. Miss you. 

I miss my best friend. The one I shared it all with. You made life so much more. You made me so much more. I know I am fighting to on hold. Refusing to let go. Yet you are fading - like sand slipping thru my hands the traces of you are leaving and I can't stop it. I know there is a process to life. I understand I know these things - I am aware of these things my mind fully knows these things. I just wish my heart understood. 

What i would give to have you here. What I would give to spend just one moment with you. My soul aches for you. My heart is heavy with the loss of you from my life. I just long to be embraced by your light and love again.