My tulip field

I sit and just stare at a photo of you taken last April. You are standing in a field of tulips. You had your classic smile across your face - you were filled with peace - you were simply happy. Your eyes taking in the beautiful of 1000 upon 1000 upon 1000 of tulips in every color you could imagine. Tulips were your favorite - yellow ones your very favorite. You just couldn't believe your eyes. The ohh uhh and ahhhs were rolling off your tongue. I could tell in your voice this in your eyes was paradise. You just took your time walking among the fields breathing in that intoxicating pure smell of beauty - you said this has to be a glimpse of heaven. You strolled so gracefully soaking it all up - gently touching a tulip here and there.  I stood and just watched you.  You were taking in the beauty that surrounded you  and yet the beauty I was taking in conquered what your eyes were seeing. I will always see you in the same eyes that you saw that field. You will always be my tulip field.

You never liked to pose for photos but that day you flashed me your pearly smile. You didn't care how many photos I asked to take. No words were spoken - no words were needed. We both knew. We both knew that these photos of you standing in a field of tulips would one day be the photo we sent to the paper - the photo that would one day be printed for the frame on the shelf - the photo for the program we would hand out to those who would attend your life's celebration - the photo we would look at to remember you. No words were heard or brought to life by our voices but we both knew.

That Mother's Day I decided to take those tulip field photos and print them on canvas to hang in your room. But you know me and surprises I couldn't wait. So when the prints showed up I didn't wait to give them to you on Mother's Day - instead I hung them as soon as I got them. You just smiled and said you brought that paradise to life. A month later we were gathered around your room at St A's. I didn't speak I sat in the corner as Paul asked you where you wanted to go...you were just waiting for someone to ask you - for the question wasn't even out of his mouth completely and you said  HOME.  They all left the room and you said to me - I want to go home so I can leave this world under a field of tulips. When we arrived you had this smile on your face - the same one you had when you were in that field of tulips. It would be the last time I would ever see it on your sweet face. You were so filled with peace to be home. In the house you made so very special for all of us. Filled with your love in every square inch.

On June 16th at 11:38 am you took your last breath under the canvas of those fields of tulips with somewhere over the rainbow playing. God I hope the fields of tulips you now walk in don't even compare in beauty to the ones you walked in here on earth. I hope the peace and happiness you felt that day in Oregon is times 100 more upon being embraced in your true paradise.  I hope your smile is even bigger and you some how found a way to be even more beautiful in heaven. 

11 months today - oh how I miss you. I miss you so very much. I often sit in silence and close my eyes. Tears falling from my cheeks picturing you in that field of tulips. Oh how I long for that day I arrive at that field of tulips with you standing in that paradise beaming in a light of utter grace, beauty and love I have never know to even exist - awaiting to welcome me forever home.... Until then I hope you know how much I Love you and how very grateful I am to call you my mom.