Missing you today, missing you always. But today we should be celebrating YOU. Spoiling YOU. Loving on YOU. Why do I feel like this is now going to be another day on the calendar that will now approach and I will just want to crawl into a hole. I know you aren't wanting me to be lost in this darkness and you want more for me and for my life. I know you. I truly believe you taught me everything I truly need to know and with time the answers I need, the guidance I need will come when I am ready to face certain things. Our bond was so incredible close - we jammed so much into the years we were given and maybe that was the reason along...to prepare me for this...life without you...somedays I believe that others I don't I will say it all makes sense now why you were always so hard on me...even when I would be a sarcastic well ass telling you to lighten up or saying things like ughh Mom why do I even need to know this or that when it doesn't even apply to me....you were preparing me for a future on the off chance that you might not be around.....you did one hell of a job but ugh it would have helped me more if you spent more time helping me actually know how to live without you...how to live in and thru this grief. gosh I miss you.
it seems like you are coming to everyone in their dreams...you have been busy for many have told me. They of course than ask if you have been in mine...you haven't fully....like I can her your voice but you never actually allow yourself to be seen..i am guessing this is on purpose. Kind of like the time I was in Australia completely homesick and trying to video chat you...and the video on your end wasn't working. You could see and hear me but I could only hear you...weeks later as I conquered the homesickness you confessed to covering the camera with a towel, afraid me seeing you would be the straw that snapped me and that would end up coming home. you were likely right in your thoughts and was a smart move on your part in doing that. Is that what you are doing now...protecting me in ways that you still can from sorrow knowing even in my dreams the sadness that would be attached in seeing you that would still likely result in me begging you to stay.
I miss talking about you, I miss saying your name out loud...I say it to myself in the car daily - out loud just so I can say it out loud. MOM...I love you MOM. MOM. I miss you MOM. Today I looked up into the skies and wished so badly I could be spending this day with you. I focused on sending my love to the heavens. hopefully it reached you. I miss you so damn much. but I love you even more. Happy mother's day, Mom. I hope even thou we aren't there to celebrate you that you are being spoiled in paradise. I hope you know how grateful we (me and the boys) to have you as our mom. how much you bless our lives. I wish we could fully express what you mean to us. WE LOVE YOU.
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