Late April of 2014 - I came home for the weekend - she wasn't doing well. She knew - I knew ... we all knew ... Her friends stopped by the house to see her and then proceeded to call - email and text me...Michelle - I think she is dying. Michelle I think you should come home. Michelle - she needs you now, come home. Michelle come home...were how some of the messages went. Upon walking in the door I found my mom on the couch with one of her friends rubbing her hands. I knew she wasn't well - i was prepared for her not to be well. I wasn't prepared for the condition I found my mom in. Thankfully she couldn't see me walk in the door - and i was able to compose myself before giving my hug hello to her. When I slipped my arms around her body - the body that was literally no longer there i thought when did this happen...she wasn't like this the last time i saw her a week ago - how could this happen that fast...
Once i was ready her friend said her goodbyes and i sat down next to her...i grabbed her hands and started to rub them... She just looked at me for the longest time and finally said i can't live like this Michelle...if this is how my life here is going to be ... tears formed in her eyes...her voice cracked...it was the first time i ever heard her say such things...she couldn't even finish the sentence for she felt like she was letting me and the rest of the family down...so i stopped her...and said...i know mom...i know...its ok...we don't want you to live like this either. We just sat there staring at each other...i am confident our soul's were talking to each other and no words were needed...just a look. I could tell she was in pain...pain beyond what i could possibly imagine and yet she didn't complain...she was exhausted beyond belief and yet there she was being my mom...trying with every ounce she had to just be there. I would have given anything just to bare her pain - to give her rest, to carry the load, to fight this demon - cancer for her. Instead there we sat mother and daughter knowing the future we didn't want was approaching quickly.
That moment stung my heart...it was like a dagger to my soul...it felt like someone had reached down my throat and tried to pull my insides out. there were no words of comfort i could offer her nor she could offer me...it simply was what it was...it just fucking sucked...she wasn't impressed with my language. but it did spark a smirk across her face and a slight eye roll...with not knowing what else to do i picked up her legs and sat at the end of the couch and placed her feet on my lap...anyone that knows me knows that i dislike feet...actually i hate feet..i hate my feet being touched and i hate touching someone else's feet...but in that moment i closed my eyes and started to rub my mom's feet...i could hear the sigh of relief as my touch brought her the comfort she was aching so badly to recieve....she so badly wanted someone to rub her feet yet just couldn't bring herself to asking someone too...she said finally Michelle what are you doing...i can't believe you are doing this...shhh mom...i am pretending i am rubbing your hands...i opened my eyes to see the smile across her face...she knew as well as i did that no one else would have ever gotten me to do that...but my love for her outweighed my dislike and hate for feet..i would do anything for her...and i did the impossible just for her by rubbing and touching her feet.
The next day she was up and she was determined to walk a mile on the treadmill...when just the night before she couldn't even walk to the bathroom...she said my foot rub made her feel so much better she wanted to try...her attitude and determination was re-fueled...so to the treadmill we went...i stood beside her holding her up as she put one foot in front of the other - each step costing her more energy than she had to give...her breathing was deep...she was utterly exhausted...so thin and weak that she barely could hold up her own weight...but yet she put one foot in front of the other and continued. i offered her a pause or a break or a maybe we should do this later...but she shook her head no...she was going to do it...her stubborn red-headed fire was shining thru...she didn't lose that will power...she was going to do it...it didn't matter how long it would take her or what it would cost her - she was going to do it....So there we were mother and daughter -side by side next to a treadmill - taking one small step after another.
There's 5280 feet in a mile - that day i am quite certain she took at least 5400 steps to reach her goal of one mile - i don't remember how long it took her to complete that one mile...but i do know we were there for quite a bit of time but she reached her goal... she did it in the end...she was my hero already but by this display of courage and determination she will always be a superhero in my eyes. She set her mind to it and she wasn't going to stop until she succeed. That moment was just like how she fought cancer and how she lived her life...she never gave up...I am so proud of who she was/is and what she stands/stood for. Fighting to the very end until she was finally called home to be at peace. What a warrior.
In her honor...I have committed myself to running each mile...taking each step for her in first a half marathon and then a full marathon. As she was ... i too am determined to do it...i don't care how long it takes me...what it will require of me to complete...if i run...walk...or have to crawl...i am going to do it for her...for the woman that fought to walk one mile..for the woman who fought for each step her took...each breath she took...each day she was given...for the woman that fought with every single ounce in her to be here...to live...for me...for my brothers...for my dad...for my nieces...for my family...the hell she had to endure to live..and when i think i can't go on...i will replay that moment inmy head over and over...that memory of the weekend i came home to find her on the couch...that weekend were she walked a mile on the treadmill...and i will carry on just as she did...so mom..i am doing it for you...I love you.
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