Sometimes I feel that I don't do a good enough job at doing just that. I often ask myself why didn't you... My answer usually goes along something like this - I was too busy with something else. I was too tired or just plain lazy. I was focused on something else that took my attention from it. All are terrible excuses and I am not at all happy with. I want to really strive to keep myself open to such things as well as able to respond to such things by living in this moment right now not on a moment that already has happened or a moment that has yet to happen. I know I fail greatly at this at times and I need to work on getting better - simple as that. Life is a collection of moments and I want my life to be focused more on the moments that excites my spirit and or moments that lead to learning growth and becoming.
I tend to put pressure on myself at times to do this or that - but as much pressure I put on that I realize I don't put pressure on myself to become this kind of person instead of that. I have spent more time that I know working on and truly knowing who I am - granted I still have learning and growing to do and always will I have for the most part an over all somewhat good handle on who I am. There are parts of me that I don't some much like to accept as well as parts that need changing and I am working on that - and I know that if I continue to work on such I can truly change such. It is simple stated the person I am is the person I decide to be. I couldn't agree more for in the end its ME who is living my life. ME who makes the decisions and choices to be no one else I hold the power as well as the responsiblity.
How can something so simply stated and known be so gosh darn hard to accept. Why is it when you are in the moment of things you completely forget the flip of the coin. How you simply can not have one without the other and even better how does one maintain the correct way of thinking on such a matter when you are chin high deep in reality with it. Well...I think it just has to do with having the control of breathing and gathering yourself. To stay grounded and not let yourself go off the deep end. Sometimes its easy and other times its the hardest thing you possibly ever could do.
You ever look at someone and think how in the f--- do they make it look so darn easy?!?!? Well I will share a secret with you... looking the part doesn't mean that is the part. I think people are really good at wearing masks - at faking it til they make it - at putting on a front. Because for some reason in reality its not so much looked down upon as its thought down upon. Kind of like when you ask how someone is doing and they say ok or I am fine - when even you know clearly they are not. I am unsure why we do that - is it self pride?? Because the truth is life is challenging us and testing each one of us - every second of the day, it never ends or lets go. None of us have the answers we are all embarking on finding such answers. Some of us just have it down a bit better than the others and I think that has to deal more with knowing who we are than anythign else and paying attention to how we truly feel and what we truly want. There was a time where I thought so and so had it all together that they had the answers but it just turned out they are living and learning as they go as much as I am...simple as that...we are all learning and living as we go.
Have you noticed there is more than one way to get to work in the morning and more than one way to return to your home when you come back. I think we get so focused and one tracked minded we forget there are other ways to go about things to achieve them. It doesn't have to be a simple way - a textbook way - an easy way nor a timed way. You just simple have to get there in the end. If its something important to you simply don't give up - get creative in your ways of things and going about things. Most things that are rewarding require a toll. Sometimes it costs you a lot sometimes the cost is nothing. I truly believe why we have road blocks and detours are simply so we are forced to try harder to not give up to allow ourselves to live and achieve outside the box - because who knows its not the achieving part in which we finally arrive that truly counts but the process of getting there.
There have been moments where I find myself saying wait...wait... this isn't you... why do you feel like that? why are you saying that...and once I stop and think about it I realize its because well this happened or that happened. Something I am in no way proud of esp when those actions have turned me into someone that is less or damaged. The truth is things people events shape us form us and tend to influnce who we are - whether its to our notice or not it happens. Most often than not it requires us to be present and in control of our lives and who we are becoming. The prime example is loss - hurt and heart ache. We tend to avoid - shutdown or withdrawal when we are in such a state we simply don't want to go thru that again and find ourselves feeling in such a way. We have all been told at one point or another you can't let that hurt shape who you are or cloud your decision of what to do this time around. Well I know it comes for the right place but to be honest when you know how it feels and how long it took you to stand back up and be ok with the new change in reality - it is something you do not soon forget. Why on earth would I want to put myself in a position to be in the very place that it took me forever to get out of...and I know the answer some things some people are worth taking that risk. And as much as I don't want to be that person that is a debby downer - my history has proven to me that I have yet to find that person or have time line up on my side to have found that risk worth taking. I don't want to be a closed off person I don't want to be damaged goods or some cold person - and i do work to make sure I am not such but there comes a time when you must be accepting that the things that happened to you in your life do affect you no matter how much you would like it to or not...I think the key is balance and not letting those events have complete control over your being!
Why is it that we don't see should things... Why can't we realize that we are doing them? I am guilty of saying I am a certain kind of person - strong caring compassionate understanding funny semi-smart...I think on most days I am pretty darn worth while. Yet I have found myself in places and with people that I begin to find myself proving them that I am worthy. And worse yet I don't even know I am doing it. Rejection its a tough tough thing to face. Facing the reality of that rejection might be even harder. I am not quite certain why I allow myself to bend so greatly for people that well aren't worth it. How can I stand tall and firm in my conviction of saying this is me take me as I am or don't. Well it prolly has to deal with the fact that I care for that person or how I want that person to be apart of my life. Or maybe how I feel like I might be that person that gets the other to open their eyes and change. I believe too much prolly in people - that people can change that all they need is someone in their corner. What I fail to realize is that often I allow myself to be taken advantage of - I allow someone to drag me thru the dirt - I find myself taking the blame or saying I am sorry for something I am not at fault at. Ya I realize I am an enabler...but my question how do you get yourself not to care. Not to feel like a failure when you walk away or let go. Why do I allow someone who doesn't own such power to have such power over me. How do I become confident and saying and doing the part of being done of walking away of letting go. How do I finally say I am done trying I am done with you treating me like crap because you simply don't know how to treat someone the correct way. And how do you walk away without that feeling of failure or regret following you.
There has been moments in my life where I will admit I get caught up in the moment of things - when I am dealing with reality that well that I don't quite want to deal with I avoid thinking about it or dealing with it in means of buying. I will admit my previous years I was terrible at this over the years since of realize I have this habbit I have gotten better at it - way better at it. My other problem is from time to time I let others influnce my life a bit too much - which shocks me because I usually never allow people to weigh in on my choices esp to the point of making negative ones. But well we are all human. I have come to know thou that when I start getting rid of things the more free I feel. I am striving to keep cutting back instead of having all these things I am focusing on the things that will last and the things that I need instead of want. Sometimes I still slip and get a few items that belong under the want column. But Rome wasn't built in a day so I won't change fully over night either. I am learning to let go - to be free of things and yes sometimes people. Its hard at times to do that subtracting like SUPER SUPER HARD!!!! But I guess not all things great come easy so neither should letting go be.
You ever find yourself taking a stumble turning it into a trip then into a fall. Ya I have been there and ya I am usually the master of my own disaster. I have a great gift of taking something and picking at it until it turns into a wound. Instead of just letting something go I at times over think over focus on something that I want fixed. I just can't for some reason let it go... esp if I feel like I might have some control of over it. Its a terrible trait that I have and its one that I don't want to have if its a matter of something that can be changed. So ya I am working on it - and its hard work but work that needs to be done.
Life will never be perfect it will never go just the way I had in mind for it to go - might come close from time to time but never picture perfect. What I am realizing is that I am becoming more and more adapting to life. I learning how to endure and carry on with whatever life presents to me as reality. I will admit its not pretty at times - i stumble to get my footing - I trip and some times fall flat on my faces and at times its takes me awhile to get back up ... but I always do rise and proceed forward. I get upset with myself not being able to move at a fast pace or my failure at learning quickly as well as adjusting quickly - regarding that I am working at being patient with myself and understanding that it takes time to adjust to things and allow myself that time. I know one thing for sure my ablitity to find the high points when I am in the low is good - the power of a positive attitude is key and keep that frame of mind is something to work towards. Its not easy but once you get use to surfing the trouble spots of your life the more you will enjoy this life.
There was a time where it mattered to me what those people were saying but really I was never fully bothered by it - i always figured people will talk no matter what you do or don't do - say or don't say. Its just how the story goes and I have come to accpet that - thats just what some people do. I make sure thou its not something that I do - that I am not those people. I have much respect for those who are willing to say things that are tough to my face and confront me instead of talk behind my back. I would hope if someone has a problem with me that they would tell me in person. As for the gossip part of things - do your talking it will get you no where. I couldn't stand the way gossip leaves a terrible taste in my mouth that I just can't get rid of - over the years I have worked on removing that from my life and its something that I want to keep out of my life. Its alot less stressful and relaxing now that I just have come to avoid such people and such convos. And as for those talking about me... well hopefully I am giving you something worth talking and gossiping about - but chances are prolly not.
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