We have all been there - found ourselves in rain clouds. I don't know about you but I am grateful for those that brought the sun into my life to help me realize its going to be ok. Those people mean every thing during such times. Be one of those in return - pay it forward.
Sometimes I have a controlling issue - where I want results right here right now. I get tense - I am over come with this feeling like it all has to be NOW NOW NOW. I want it a certain way so badly that if it doesn't happen right now in the exact way I picture it - it will never happen. I usually get myself worked up to the point where I can't relax and my mind appears to all of a sudden have no other thoughts then right here and right now. I pick at it like a black head or pimple to the point where I come to have made it ten times worse then if I just would have left it alone. This is something I am focusing on truly working on and getting better at - sometimes I think I am making great progress other times I find myself knowing I have fallen completely backwards. The thing about life is that it has a plan all of its own and what ends up being happens for a reason. I am learning to trust in life - thou its a challenge at times I am loosing my grip and allowing my life to shape form and flow the way its meant to be. What I have come to know the way that ends up being the way how it goes tends to always be better than what I had in mind to begin with - which usually finds me smiling and shaking my head while saying under my breath Michelle Michelle Michelle - when will you learn when will you learn. My answer is most often than not I kno I know...soon soon. THe good news is I am finding less moments where I have to have such talks with myself - but then again when I do have to have such talks its usually due to something major - so in a way I am learning and accepting whats meant to be I just need to work on the big big ones allowing those to work the way they are meant to be.
I have been guilty of this - oh wanting something else or something different or something more. What I fail to realize that I am the master of my own disaster or the creator of my own success. If I don't like the way something is its up to my doing to change it - no one else is responsible. What brought me to this moment is the person who stares back at me in the mirror - I am accountable which means I have the power to change or stay the same. Nothing worse than waiting for someone to make your reality different or your dreams come true. Hold yourself accountable, its thru your actions and choices that take you to the places you end up.
HA....isn't that hitting it right on the nose. Yet if you think about it - it makes total sense...change is being outside your comfort zone - and what causes chaos to disappear is establishing a routine and becoming familiar with the new normal. Once you get the pattern down it becomes a normal way of being - however until you get there its pure chaos. We must be gentl with ourselves while we are adjusting and realize that chaos is going to happen but it won't last forever.
I can not picture my life without the friends that come to mind when I read this quote. My life is more - I am more because I have such people in my life. They are more than friends they are in factor family to me. I smile often when I think of these people whether they are near or far - here or there I am grateful.
I am striving to live this quote. To be gentle with life and those that cross paths with me. To hold my tongue more and speak less. And when I do speak to speak with purpose and meaning. To be someone that is accountable to their actions and words. To be true to myself as well as honest with others. To judge less and understand more. To truly think about things and how I feel about them before responding. To be open to that fact that I have faults flaws and failures - and to realize that without my knowing at times my actions and words hurt others, my goal is to try to lessen these kinds of moments. I will never be perfect and I don't strive to be but I do strive to be gentle and to live a good respected life and to treat others with the same respect that I am in searching to recieve.
I pride myself in always realizing this. Maybe I was born in the wrong era or maybe I have forever been an old woman from the start - the word old soul gets linked to my being alot but the truth is I think it has to do with my ways of absorbing the world around me whether it be people - stories - movies - books - music - media - history I have always been someone that remembers the lessons of others. I observe life and I am good at observing life and applying whatever it is I am absorbing to my own life. One of the very first things I remember growing up is how I didn't want to be a certain kind of person - and I found a link than most common factor that resutled in that person being that way was the fact they relied on others to complete them to fullfill them to make them happy to be worthy. It was all based on someone else that wasn't them. I know that this life is meant to be shared in order to get its full value but shared is not the same as dependent on someone else. I truly believe we must have a solid relationship with yourself - truly know what you want what you need and who you are before we are able to be another - ya there have been people that haven't done this that are in relationships but there is a common ground of them usually not being happy - a feeling of having to settle or at some point in time it ends. I am 32 years old and I have yet to est the relationship that commits myself to another being at least in the eyes that all surround me. What they don't know is that I have been in a successful relationship for 32 years, I have commited to myself and have put in the work and keep putting in the work to nuture grow and get to know that relationship - that person that just happens to be me. And you know what its the best relationship I ever had - its not easy and it still takes alot of work but I know fully well who I am and when and if the time comes to commit myself to another I will be able to share my life and know what I want out of this life because I took the time to truly find out just what that is. And you know what the best feeling in the world is - to be with yourself alone and not even have the thought cross your mind that you are lonely.
I will admit this is something it took me awhile to truly understand, that when I talk badly about others or gossip just what I am slowly losing in terms of character regarding myself. As far back as I can recall I always remember feeling completely awkward and super uncomfortable when I was present when conversation turned to gossip or talking bad about someone not present. On top of that I also realized two other things that when I spoke in such as matter as well or if I didn't speak up and say the right thing like this isn't right... the feeling got worse. I also know full well that when I was in such a position I always walked away less of the kind of person that I always thought myself to be. The saying is true you play with fire you are gonna get burned rings true. Now days I don't feel so awkward anymore because I spend less time in convos that find me gossiping or talking bad about another. And let me tell you it leaves me with a pretty great feeling - as well as when I stand up during those times and say hey this isn't right or that isn't how the full truth. Granted there are still times I find that uncomfortable awkward feeling setting in and at times don't do what is right and I am left with that even worse sitting feeling. Funny how you grow with the years and find you would rather just walk away or speak up then have to live with the feeling it leaves you if you didn't. Live and Learn - and this is one of the best lessons I have come to know and understand. For the person I am truly hurting is my own character when I part take is a negative setting.
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