Just in Case I FORGOT...

In this moment I will remind myself that I am not superwoman. I am human. I am not perfect. I will and do make mistakes. I am not made of steel or metal. I have a heart and feel with that heart. I am not a packing mule. I can not possibly carry or hold the entire weight of the world on my shoulders no matter how hard I try. That I don't have the answers nor do I need the answers. That moments pass and life goes on. That life can be tough but we can be tougher. That darkness and light go hand in hand. That sorrow increases the meaning of happiness and happiness bring understanding to sorrow. That we can endure the life that we have been given because someone trusts in us to handle what life brings to us. That sometimes you just have to let go and build your wings on the way down --- you will find strength and fly back up. That crash landings just give you another reason to dust yourself off and get back up (at your own pace) and try again. That I am only responsible for my own actions feelings thoughts and emotions. That LIFE is only challenging me to DO MORE and BE MORE. The lessons are to encourage growth and become the person I am meant to be. Sometimes all you need to do is breathe...just breathe...you will figure it out - might not be in a split second but you will figure it out. TRUST IN YOUR JOURNEY and TRUST IN YOURSELF. And that no matter what you are worthy and there are people everywhere around you to share this journey of life with. Breathing is a blessing and life is a gift - value you cherish it every single moment of every single day no matter where it finds you. AND SMILE AND LAUGH whenever you possibly can. Just in case you forgot...read this to remind yourself.

PAULA POWER.

The moment came and was gone before we knew it...And it left us the good news and a refueled hope that the cracked glass is holding. The cancer spots in my mom's liver are decreasing in size. EXHALE. We are inchin' our way further and further to win this fight. And my mom leading the way with her positive attitude - never ending faith and hope. I am proud everyday to be her daughter. Today I am proud to call this Warrior my mom. WE FIGHT ON... GO PAULA POWER.

The Unknown

The Unknown...why is it so scary? To me there is nothing worse than those moments that lead up to doing something - I use to hate track meets for the main reason I couldn't stand waiting for the your mark .. get set.. bang. I would rather just do it - granted I realize the process of why this happens at a track meet to signal the start of a race but it just reminds me of those moments before the unknow is exposed. Waiting has never been one of my strong points. I realize its a weakness actaully I can't wait to see how movies end so I google serach the ending - I can't wait to know what happens in a book so I flip to the last page - I read spoilers so I know in advance what is going to happen on tv shows ---terrible I know but it rids of the anxiety that sometimes consumes me. When something is wrong or something is broke I want to help and try to fix it. Waiting and me are like fire and ice. I would much rather go with the approach of riping off the bandage in one fast motion. I would rather know for the most part what I am in store for so I can adjust accordingly. So as you can imagine sometimes I struggle with life - its not that I have to have all the answers I know there would be no fun in that but I hate the process of waiting especially waiting in the unknown.

Today is scan/test day in the Goldmann household - a time when the six of us as well as countless others are filled with as much hope as we are filled with fear. Cancer has that way of scarying the ever living crap out of someone - why we have to have such tests is beyond me granted we would never know if one was beating the fight - needing adjustments to the fight or losing the fight all together. But that day it seems like an endless day on the track waiting for that "on your mark...get set.......bang!" You just want to know already. I realize that my days of walking on solid ground are over - cancer robbed us of that confidence the very first moment it became a part of our lives. And rightfully so - it is trying its best to take a much needed much loved person in our lives. Since that day we have been walking not only on glass - where we can see a future without the glue to our family but on top of that the glass is cracked. We walk ever so gracefully hoping it won't keep cracking and our repairs and mends will hold long enough to make it strong once again. Our fear is that it will shatter. Ya some life moments suck but I am guessing all would agree with that statement when reflecting on life at one time or another. So we crack a laugh and spark a smile because sometimes the unknown moments can be a little too much to bare. If we just take a deep breath and inhale and exhale the gun bang will come and the race will be off yet again. We just have to hold on - for no matter what we are told we can go forth and deal with it - we just have to get past that moment of waiting.  We are capable of doing such even thou some days its a struggle and a challenge we are capable of getting thru it.

Making the Best of it.

Have you ever stopped and realize just how resilient the human spirit is and truly can be??? I hear of horror stories absolute nigthmares that are people's reality - I have seen pictures that document such events as someone's reality. Hurricanes. Tornados. Floods. Blizzards that destroy people's homes and rip loved ones away right before their eyes. Mother Nature can be a beast and a mean beast at that. But then the storm fades the clouds part the sun shines and life carries on. There are murders - beatings - rapes - abuse - wars - torture - kidnappings - suffering and yet life doesn't stop. People are left with no answers to their questions and are forced to find a way to deal with the reality that is now their lives. Babies and children dying before they even know what this life is even all about - parents taken - sibings gone before we are ready for them to leave - the elderly not remembering the life they lived and sickness housing in too many boides that they can never be free of. This life is filled with struggles. with hard times. with challanges. with changes. with sorrow. with failure. with tears. with loss. with heartache. with death. And yet life goes on...The human spirit endures. How amazing is that and its done in such a robot format that we don't even realize we are doing it. Life truly is a blessing and time is its most precious gift to us. For it can all change in the blink of an eye in one single second. "Time is a monster that cannot be reasoned with. It reponds like a snail to our impatience, then it races like a gazelle when you can't catch a breath. - Simon Birch" I can't even begin to count the times this has applied to my life nor the amount that it will apply in the times to come as I journey thru this life. It can be filled with so much happiness excitement joy where we find ourselves just wanting to marinate in the moment. I crave to have such moments whether they are just simple moments that happen everday or some big experience that sparks them. They leave you feeling alive.

Yet I know for certain those moments would have no meaning no effect if we didn't experience the flip of that coin. And acknowlege the direct opposite of what life can present to you.  I often think of a line from the Count of Monte Cristo "Life is a storm, my young friend. You will bask in the sunlight one moment, be shattered on the rocks the next. What makes you a man is what you do when that storm comes."  How will I react - how will I be when life throws me upon the rocks will it be held with just as much respect as I have for those life moments basking in the sun? My journey goal is to remain Michelle - the person that I am thru turnoil and bliss. I strive to remain true to my being and I want to always try to grow change and become in a way that stays on course to the person I am meant to be. I want my scars bring me strength not weakness. I want what has been given to me to endure and enjoy to break me open to fully experience what this life is truly all about.  For I have witness no matter what has been done life carries on...It may take our breath away in moments that are just too real - but we do breath again.  It might knock us completely on our ass but we do stand again. It might rip our hearts right out but we do mend again. For life isn't about the worse that has been done to us but the best that still is in us. This life is something else - constantly changing. Teaching us these major life lessons day in day out with the solo purpose for us to respond - to grow and to do more - be more. My grandmother always told me it was my responsiblity to not just find the joy in my life but to create it - be the joy. My parents have taught me that there is nothing too big nor too serious in this life that we can't find the laughter and the silver lining in things. I don't know what this life has enstore for me and I never will but I do know what kind of attitude I will face it with. And that attitude just may make all the difference in the world. I owe it those too many too name that were taken from this life all too soon to make everyday every single second count. For as far as I know we are only here once. And when I do find that moment that I take in my last breath I want to leave this amazing life exhausted scarred bruised and filled with happiness content and peace knowing that no matter what life presented I carried on and made the best of it. 

GLACIER...I.MISS.YOU.

You ever find yourself just closing your eyes and wishing with all your might when you open them you find yourself in a different place...a place that you miss. a place that you long for. Sometimes esp now that its summer I have found that my soul has longed to be lost hiking some trail surround by mother nature's beauty deep in the mountains of Montana. I find much joy knowing that so many are experiencing and enjoying the paradise of Glacier National Park this very moment however I would be lying if I didn't say I am filled with jealousy. If you have never been trust me when I say its a MUST.SEE. put it on your Bucket List - it won't let you down!!!

37 years...

June 4, 1976 - 37 years ago today my mom dressed in a simple beautiful bridal gown - looking ever so the part of the elegant forever timeless classic bride - my father in an all white tux with his flashy white smile golden curls and sun brozed tan said I do and vowed to stay side by side from that day forword.  They sealed the deal  with a kiss a pair of gold bands and lit a candle to John Denver's Annie Song.  They started that day 37 years ago as calm and collective Paula Koch and wild and rebellious Mark Goldmann they ended that day as Mr. and Mrs. Goldmann. June 4, 1976 to June 4, 2013 my parents have spent roughly 13,505 days together (give or take leap day).
Some days I am sure they questioned if they would ever make it this far...but they did. I am sure many are shocked to believe that they have. They wouldn't be what you called the picture perfect couple that you would have in mind that would make it work...and maybe just maybe thats just why it did work or has work. My mom the straight laced perfect a's play by all the rules proper gal and my father the complete opposite. The story has been told that my grandparents (my father's mom and dad) have thanked her numorous times for saving my father's life putting a ring on his finger gave him direction and responsiblities but I will say didn't tame or change him into someone else by any means. My father is just just as crazy just a wild and just as Mark as he always has been what changed him was the love and life he and my mom built together. A life that has been filled with joy and with some sorrow. With laughter and some tears. With some great times and some low times. A life that they brought three children into and centered their entire beings around those children and that family of 5. A life that has brought some challenging times especially in the last few years as we have battled cancer. A life that has seen change and growth. A life that has expanded to welcome a daughter and a grandchild.

 A life that has had the best hunting partners in Sounder, Stromy, Kobe, Champ and Gauge. A blessed life it has been. 37 years is well quite a journey to spend with someone and I believe and know because I have witnessed it - it has gotten better with each day. I have seen my parents grow close as they journey thru this life still side by side after all these years. Thou cancer can rob us of so many things I firmly believe it has brought my parents even closer. I still see the look of love in my mother's eye and the smile of love on my father's face when they are sharing a moment. Still holding hands when they walk. Ya the love is still there and its still blooming.

If there is one thing I can take away from watching and being a part of my parents' love story is you have to have laughter and allow happiness in at all times in life. There is never a wrong time. My parents not only find the joy in life they make the joy in their life. No one can make my mom laugh quite like my father. And no more can get my father to do the things he isn't so pleased to do than my mother. For two people that well can be stubborn they bend for each other. They have always lead by example that family is their number one priority. They have both given things up for the greater good of their family. And because of such love my brothers and I were brought up on good family values and are able flourish because of the solid foundation in which we were raised upon. I realize the great blessing this is because not all children are as blessed to have such a strong family structure. Life has not been all sugar and spice and everything nice nor will it ever be but I believe because of the example my parents have set and lived by that life always has happiness. Sometimes that happiness is easy to find or have other times it takes a change in view point and a change in attitude. Something else my parents both live by is the attitude in which you face life and treat others with is one of the most important tools you have.  I know through out life my mom and dad had many a times where it was straight up hard but never once did they let those hard times affect their time being parents to my brothers and I. Even when they were beyond busy with household tasks and career work they still were able to set it all aside and be present in our lives. That was a commitment they both had that if they were to have children raising those children would be a partnership in which each person would be held accountable. I remember my father being there just as much as I remember my mother being there through out my entire childhood.  Over 13,000 days as husband and wife is quite the journey and I believe its a journey they both would chose to do all over again if given the chance. But most importantly its a journey that they are both still very much commited to. They are still living and writing their love story. Side by Side thru thick and thin thats my mom and dad.  Happy 37th Anniversary to two people that define such words as marriage. love. and commitment. May you have many many more. Love to you both.

***There is a certain song by Martina McBride that I often hear and think yup that speaks the love story of my parents. Its a song to me that speaks to both of them and speaks of the love they share. They may not have the top of the line must have things in life - they may not be seeing all the things on this earth but they have something even better than all that... They have each other. They have a life together. They share a love that not many are lucky to find nor keep. And that well thats pretty darn special pretty darn rare.***

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IDwu3H1AEeQ

It. Never. Stops.

Reality can be a hard thing to face esp. when you are force to see your short comings - down falls - mess ups and mistakes. I guess its safe to say that life is constantly presenting lessons for us to learn and challenging us to grow. IT.NEVER.STOPS. And as hard as it is to admit and take ownership of the pit falls when it comes to life - it should never stop. I believe that we need to be slapped across the face with reality from time to time to remind us to stay grounded. to remind us that we aren't as perfect as we think we are. Sometimes the reality it exposes is easy to take other times it will turn our insides out and leave a sickening feeling in our stomach that we just can't get rid of. The to me is the feeling of failure or let down. We are left feeling in such a way after we have failed to do what is right or when we fail to act in a way that is below our being. And it should provide a sharp sting to remind us to do better. To learn from this more and grow. For life well... It. Never. Stops. we must roll with the punches and get back up and try try again. To learn from yesterday and apply that growth today. For once we think we have it all together - well life loves to prove us wrong and send us hurling to the jagged rocks below just when we were thinking this journey is pretty smooth. As the saying goes...check yourself before you wreck yourself....it should be applied towards everyday life.