The Unknown

The Unknown...why is it so scary? To me there is nothing worse than those moments that lead up to doing something - I use to hate track meets for the main reason I couldn't stand waiting for the your mark .. get set.. bang. I would rather just do it - granted I realize the process of why this happens at a track meet to signal the start of a race but it just reminds me of those moments before the unknow is exposed. Waiting has never been one of my strong points. I realize its a weakness actaully I can't wait to see how movies end so I google serach the ending - I can't wait to know what happens in a book so I flip to the last page - I read spoilers so I know in advance what is going to happen on tv shows ---terrible I know but it rids of the anxiety that sometimes consumes me. When something is wrong or something is broke I want to help and try to fix it. Waiting and me are like fire and ice. I would much rather go with the approach of riping off the bandage in one fast motion. I would rather know for the most part what I am in store for so I can adjust accordingly. So as you can imagine sometimes I struggle with life - its not that I have to have all the answers I know there would be no fun in that but I hate the process of waiting especially waiting in the unknown.

Today is scan/test day in the Goldmann household - a time when the six of us as well as countless others are filled with as much hope as we are filled with fear. Cancer has that way of scarying the ever living crap out of someone - why we have to have such tests is beyond me granted we would never know if one was beating the fight - needing adjustments to the fight or losing the fight all together. But that day it seems like an endless day on the track waiting for that "on your mark...get set.......bang!" You just want to know already. I realize that my days of walking on solid ground are over - cancer robbed us of that confidence the very first moment it became a part of our lives. And rightfully so - it is trying its best to take a much needed much loved person in our lives. Since that day we have been walking not only on glass - where we can see a future without the glue to our family but on top of that the glass is cracked. We walk ever so gracefully hoping it won't keep cracking and our repairs and mends will hold long enough to make it strong once again. Our fear is that it will shatter. Ya some life moments suck but I am guessing all would agree with that statement when reflecting on life at one time or another. So we crack a laugh and spark a smile because sometimes the unknown moments can be a little too much to bare. If we just take a deep breath and inhale and exhale the gun bang will come and the race will be off yet again. We just have to hold on - for no matter what we are told we can go forth and deal with it - we just have to get past that moment of waiting.  We are capable of doing such even thou some days its a struggle and a challenge we are capable of getting thru it.