It hard sometimes not to get caught up in the hussle and bussle of the happenings of everyday life. Its easy to lose sight on what really matters - to not get lost in the events that are requiring our minds and thougths to be focused on. Every day can well simply be a challenge. And what is easy to do well becomes sometime that merely slips our minds. I have found that I must recall these questions and answer them honestly. Sometimes I am not impressed with my answers and know that tomorrow I must do better. I only got one spot at this life and I hate it when I find myself wasting it.
With age I am learning to be gentle with myself - I am learning that me doing the best that I can is and has to be enough. I tend to get extremly hard on myself when I fall short - I let others have passes but refuse to allow myself the same kindness, something that I find as a huge challenge but I am working to change this. I am am unsure why I have a hard time settling for good enough when it comes to me personally - i guess because i firgure i can do more or do better. But the truth remains if I am giving all I got with the whatever I have my good enough is well good enough. Its a process that I am coming a little more accepting to with each day.
I am guilt of this from time to time - saying things I didn't mean or doing things I didn't mean just because I was upset. I am ashamed of such behavior of the actions and words that I used in those moments. I have found thou that if I just don't do anything in those moments and think about it before I act and speak I am much better off. However in the moment of things its hard to bit your tongue and walk away - yet as hard as that is to do living with the aftermaths of actions and words I am not proud of is even harder.
I have a hard time letting certain things go - esp when it comes to failing someone I care for. I go to the point of well trying to hard which usually results in all sorts of problems. I am unsure of my focus of making a door out of a wall sometimes. Its almost like I am consumed with intentions of not failing and just can't let it go. Well I usually find out the hard way that this way of thinking more often than not messes things up even worse - learning to stop forcingand to just let happen.
How often do we blame our reasons for being a certain way on another. Our saddness our stress our happiness our fears. I see it quite often and have been there myself - relationships torn to pieces because instead of taking the time to realize you yourself are held responsible for such things you force them onto another or you blame another. "I hate being alone." "Why don't you make me happy." Truth is many of us use others as an escape instead of dealing with ourselves - whether they be faults cracks flaws. Some of us use others to shelter and avoid. I am learning to be the master of my life - to be the one that controls my happiness my fears my stress my tears. I am not looking to blame anyone but myself or hold anyone else responsible for such means. For the fact is that if I spend the time with myself and get to know myself I will be able to share my life with others not use others as an escape.
None of us are perfect. None of us. Sometimes i am utterly shocked on how real i can be with my actions words and thoughts - and it can be in a sooo not proud or good way. yet I realize that i am human not a robot i am imperfect not perfect. I try to understand myself in those moments in the same matter I try without end to understand others when i am hurt by their actions or words. I realize if I am more accepting in the fact they are and i am just real and in no shape or form perfect i find I can grasp understanding just a tad bit easier. Being real sometimes means truly feeling and being real and sometimes those emotions words and actions can come out blunt - just a fact of life. its best to try and control such outbursts but sometimes you just have to be who you are with hopes others will see past your too real moments.
No comments:
Post a Comment