To me there is nothign worse than truly knowing and still not doing. There have been many times where I find myself saying you know better than this what are you doing?!?!? Or when I know I can truly do something yet refuse to - why is that. Why is it that sometimes I make things that much harder on myself. Sometimes if I take a step back I realize it - sometimes I just need a certain someone to remind me almost as I get lost in my our darkness and just need the voice of reasoning to part that darkness and let the light back in. And sometimes its all part of a process knowing and yet failing in the doing part of things. Maybe I just need that time to truly figure it out that I can.
It may be my stubborn ways - but I refuse to do anything the normal way. I often find myself saying oh I feel so bad esp for my parents at the fact they have a daughter that refuses to do anything the easy way or the quote on quote normal way. I find myself rebellion to normal life or the check list that most apply to it. And I have found when I try to conform to such a life I feel like a caged lion it just doesn't settle well with me. So ya it can be hard - and takes determination but its just the way I like it. Because any other way I am don't feel at ease with my soul - its almost as if I can't breath and I am just restless yet as soon as I do things the non- everyone else way I am at peace.
I fully believe that we are surrounded by things places and people as well as situations that are constantly forcing us to learn constantly teaching us. Often times those lessons result in us being hurt - i don't believe holding onto the hurt - to me it rottens you from the inside out as well as it can consume you and turn you into a bitter person. I believe for a time we must carry it know it feel that hurt but then we must let it go. But by no means does that letting go and forgetting mean we forgot what it brought us forced us to see know and become.
Its a simple way of saying that we are all flawed - we all have darkness and demons - we have bad days - we all have should have would have could have - we all make mistakes - we all have failures - falls - stumbles - set backs - detours - delays. We are all on the same lake of life in different boats. We aren't alone in this process we call life even if we think we are.
That's the best way I could have ever even tried to state such a thing - so I will leave just at that.
That's the one thing about pain if you don't allow yourself to feel it - it will cause one heck of an even bigger mess. As much as I try to pack it like a mule it doesn't work sooner or later the weight becomes to much for me to bare - I hate admitting that by the way. But its the truth. I am getting better at allowing myself to feel it deal with it and let it go. Its not a process I like nor welcome but I realize it is better than just having a complete life break down - which I am realizing does happen if you try to always escape pain.
You ever go thru something and you wonder how will I ever endure this - then one day out of no where you realize you in fact did just that. I am unsure how that happens or when it happens. Its kind of like the grass turning from brown to green in the spring or when the trees all of a sudden go from no leaves to fully in bloom. Its a process that happens when we stop focusing on it and giving it all our attention I guess. Kind of like how they say the best thing is to keep busy - there is truth to it because sooner or later the tide does turn the darkness fades and the light shines again.
Sometimes loving someone fully and completely is allowing that person to leave your life even thou you so badly want them to be apart of it. Sometimes the biggest act of love you could ever show is not just saying but actually doing is allowing them to be happy even if that means you have nothing to do with that happiness or even apart of their life. Its hard and just may be the biggest challenge of one's life but if it means they are truly happy for once then its worth it - then its all worth it.
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