My tulip field

I sit and just stare at a photo of you taken last April. You are standing in a field of tulips. You had your classic smile across your face - you were filled with peace - you were simply happy. Your eyes taking in the beautiful of 1000 upon 1000 upon 1000 of tulips in every color you could imagine. Tulips were your favorite - yellow ones your very favorite. You just couldn't believe your eyes. The ohh uhh and ahhhs were rolling off your tongue. I could tell in your voice this in your eyes was paradise. You just took your time walking among the fields breathing in that intoxicating pure smell of beauty - you said this has to be a glimpse of heaven. You strolled so gracefully soaking it all up - gently touching a tulip here and there.  I stood and just watched you.  You were taking in the beauty that surrounded you  and yet the beauty I was taking in conquered what your eyes were seeing. I will always see you in the same eyes that you saw that field. You will always be my tulip field.

You never liked to pose for photos but that day you flashed me your pearly smile. You didn't care how many photos I asked to take. No words were spoken - no words were needed. We both knew. We both knew that these photos of you standing in a field of tulips would one day be the photo we sent to the paper - the photo that would one day be printed for the frame on the shelf - the photo for the program we would hand out to those who would attend your life's celebration - the photo we would look at to remember you. No words were heard or brought to life by our voices but we both knew.

That Mother's Day I decided to take those tulip field photos and print them on canvas to hang in your room. But you know me and surprises I couldn't wait. So when the prints showed up I didn't wait to give them to you on Mother's Day - instead I hung them as soon as I got them. You just smiled and said you brought that paradise to life. A month later we were gathered around your room at St A's. I didn't speak I sat in the corner as Paul asked you where you wanted to go...you were just waiting for someone to ask you - for the question wasn't even out of his mouth completely and you said  HOME.  They all left the room and you said to me - I want to go home so I can leave this world under a field of tulips. When we arrived you had this smile on your face - the same one you had when you were in that field of tulips. It would be the last time I would ever see it on your sweet face. You were so filled with peace to be home. In the house you made so very special for all of us. Filled with your love in every square inch.

On June 16th at 11:38 am you took your last breath under the canvas of those fields of tulips with somewhere over the rainbow playing. God I hope the fields of tulips you now walk in don't even compare in beauty to the ones you walked in here on earth. I hope the peace and happiness you felt that day in Oregon is times 100 more upon being embraced in your true paradise.  I hope your smile is even bigger and you some how found a way to be even more beautiful in heaven. 

11 months today - oh how I miss you. I miss you so very much. I often sit in silence and close my eyes. Tears falling from my cheeks picturing you in that field of tulips. Oh how I long for that day I arrive at that field of tulips with you standing in that paradise beaming in a light of utter grace, beauty and love I have never know to even exist - awaiting to welcome me forever home.... Until then I hope you know how much I Love you and how very grateful I am to call you my mom. 

The Goal has been set....PACING FOR PAULA

Late April of 2014 - I came home for the weekend - she wasn't doing well. She knew - I knew ... we all knew ... Her friends stopped by the house to see her and then proceeded to call - email and text me...Michelle - I think she is dying. Michelle I think you should come home. Michelle - she needs you now, come home. Michelle come home...were how some of the messages went. Upon walking in the door I found my mom on the couch with one of her friends rubbing her hands. I knew she wasn't well - i was prepared for her not to be well. I wasn't prepared for the condition I found my mom in. Thankfully she couldn't see me walk in the door - and i was able to compose myself before giving my hug hello to her.  When I slipped my arms around her body - the body that was literally no longer there i thought when did this happen...she wasn't like this the last time i saw her a week ago - how could this happen that fast...

Once i was ready her friend said her goodbyes and i sat down next to her...i grabbed her hands and started to rub them... She just looked at me for the longest time and finally said i can't live like this Michelle...if this is how my life here is going to be ... tears formed in her eyes...her voice cracked...it was the first time i ever heard her say such things...she couldn't even finish the sentence for she felt like she was letting me and the rest of the family down...so i stopped her...and said...i know mom...i know...its ok...we don't want you to live like this either. We just sat there staring at each other...i am confident our soul's were talking to each other and no words were needed...just a look. I could tell she was in pain...pain beyond what i could possibly imagine and yet she didn't complain...she was exhausted beyond belief and yet there she was being my mom...trying with every ounce she had to just be there. I would have given anything just to bare her pain - to give her rest, to carry the load, to fight this demon - cancer for her. Instead there we sat mother and daughter knowing the future we didn't want was approaching quickly.

That moment stung my heart...it was like a dagger to my soul...it felt like someone had reached down my throat and tried to pull my insides out. there were no words of comfort i could offer her nor she could offer me...it simply was what it was...it just fucking sucked...she wasn't impressed with my language. but it did spark a smirk across her face and a slight eye roll...with not knowing what else to do i picked up her legs and sat at the end of the couch and placed her feet on my lap...anyone that knows me knows that i dislike feet...actually i hate feet..i hate my feet being touched and i hate touching someone else's feet...but in that moment i closed my eyes and started to rub my mom's feet...i could hear the sigh of relief as my touch brought her the comfort she was aching so badly to recieve....she so badly wanted someone to rub her feet yet just couldn't bring herself to asking someone too...she said finally Michelle what are you doing...i can't believe you are doing this...shhh mom...i am pretending i am rubbing your hands...i opened my eyes to see the smile across her face...she knew as well as i did that no one else would have ever gotten me to do that...but my love for her outweighed my dislike and hate for feet..i would do anything for her...and i did the impossible just for her by rubbing and touching her feet.

The next day she was up and she was determined to walk a mile on the treadmill...when just the night before she couldn't even walk to the bathroom...she said my foot rub made her feel so much better she wanted to try...her attitude and determination was re-fueled...so to the treadmill we went...i stood beside her holding her up as she put one foot in front of the other - each step costing her more energy than she had to give...her breathing was deep...she was utterly exhausted...so thin and weak that she barely could hold up her own weight...but yet she put one foot in front of the other and continued. i offered her a pause or a break or a maybe we should do this later...but she shook her head no...she was going to do it...her stubborn red-headed fire was shining thru...she didn't lose that will power...she was going to do it...it didn't matter how long it would take her or what it would cost her - she was going to do it....So there we were mother and daughter -side by side next to a treadmill - taking one small step after another.

There's 5280 feet in a mile - that day i am quite certain she took at least 5400 steps to reach her goal of one mile - i don't remember how long it took her to complete that one mile...but i do know we were there for quite a bit of time but she reached her goal... she did it in the end...she was my hero already but by this display of courage and determination she will always be a superhero in my eyes. She set her mind to it and she wasn't going to stop until she succeed. That moment was just like how she fought cancer and how she lived her life...she never gave up...I am so proud of who she was/is and what she stands/stood for. Fighting to the very end until she was finally called home to be at peace. What a warrior.

In her honor...I have committed myself to running each mile...taking each step for her in first a half marathon and then a full marathon. As she was ... i too am determined to do it...i don't care how long it takes me...what it will require of me to complete...if i run...walk...or have to crawl...i am going to do it for her...for the woman that fought to walk one mile..for the woman who fought for each step her took...each breath she took...each day she was given...for the woman that fought with every single ounce in her to be here...to live...for me...for my brothers...for my dad...for my nieces...for my family...the hell she had to endure to live..and when i think i can't go on...i will replay that moment inmy head over and over...that memory of the weekend i came home to find her on the couch...that weekend were she walked a mile on the treadmill...and i will carry on just as she did...so mom..i am doing it for you...I love you.

(1st) Mother's Day in Heaven

Missing you today, missing you always. But today we should be celebrating YOU. Spoiling YOU. Loving on YOU. Why do I feel like this is now going to be another day on the calendar that will now approach and I will just want to crawl into a hole. I know you aren't wanting me to be lost in this darkness and you want more for me and for my life. I know you. I truly believe you taught me everything I truly need to know and with time the answers I need, the guidance I need will come when I am ready to face certain things. Our bond was so incredible close - we jammed so much into the years we were given and maybe that was the reason along...to prepare me for this...life without you...somedays I believe that others I don't I will say it all makes sense now why you were always so hard on me...even when I would be a sarcastic well ass telling you to lighten up or saying things like ughh Mom why do I even need to know this or that when it doesn't even apply to me....you were preparing me for a future on the off chance that you might not be around.....you did one hell of a job but ugh it would have helped me more if you spent more time helping me actually know how to live without you...how to live in and thru this grief. gosh I miss you.

it seems like you are coming to everyone in their dreams...you have been busy for many have told me. They of course than ask if you have been in mine...you haven't fully....like I can her your voice but you never actually allow yourself to be seen..i am guessing this is on purpose. Kind of like the time I was in Australia completely homesick and trying to video chat you...and the video on your end wasn't working. You could see and hear me but I could only hear you...weeks later as I conquered the homesickness you confessed to covering the camera with a towel, afraid me seeing you would be the straw that snapped me and that would end up coming home.  you were likely right in your thoughts and was a smart move on your part in doing that. Is that what you are doing now...protecting me in ways that you still can from sorrow knowing even in my dreams the sadness that would be attached in seeing you that would still likely result in me begging you to stay.

I miss talking about you, I miss saying your name out loud...I say it to myself in the car daily - out loud just so I can say it out loud. MOM...I love you MOM. MOM. I miss you MOM. Today I looked up into the skies and wished so badly I could be spending this day with you. I focused on sending my love to the heavens. hopefully it reached you. I miss you so damn much. but I love you even more. Happy mother's day, Mom. I hope even thou we aren't there to celebrate you that you are being spoiled in paradise. I hope you know how grateful we (me and the boys) to have you as our mom. how much you bless our lives. I wish we could fully express what you mean to us. WE LOVE YOU.

Grandma Tillie

5.1.2015 - Your longing wish and dream has finally been granted.  Tears of joy, love and happiness roll down my cheeks as i imagine you at last reunited with the love of your life, Grandpa Jake. Oh how you endlessly talked about this day...being embraced by him again.  Oh to love someone that much to live 31 years without him and to never love another besides him.  What a celebration it must be for the two of you together again.  I picture your strong faith being rewarded by coming face to face with your maker - i see the huge smile across your face as you are embraced by our Lord's peace - light and love...I envision the look of shock and suprise filled with joy upon seeing your Paula there. For in this world you weren't able to fully understand she had left. I can see her big smile across her face - you know the one..the kind of smile she gave that was so big it wrinkled up her nose...i can hear her giggle - the one she made when she was bursting with happiness...i can hear you say her name with the same smile across your face...i fight back tears knowing you are being embraced by her...half torn with happiness and jealously knowing you are with her. Then I remember you have earned this. You deserve this reunion. this happiness. this peace. this love. this joy....and a smile forms again. And i whisper good for you.

Grandma Tillie, i hope you know how much i love you. I hope you know how important you are in my life and who i am as a person. I hope you know how proud I am to be your grand-daughter and how honored I am to call you, my Grandma.  I remember it all, Grandma. and I promise never to forget. I vow to honor you in the life that i live on this earth until i am embraced by you again......As i do when i think and miss your daughter so much i can't find the words...i will now do for you too...in the silence so calming I can almost hear my heart & soul whispering to yours - i bring my hand - the same hands that were yours - her's & now mine and gently place it on my heart.  As tears stream down my face - i sit with these hands that were passed down to me, feel the beating of my heart - the heart - you first gave life to her and then she gave life to me.  I sit in the stillness not a word spoken from my lips for some thoughts are too deep for words...yet i know the both of you hear them all and know them all...for i am the breath and life of the both of you - my soul forever embedded in yours. A connection so deep - a bond so powerful that no words are ever needed. Your love and her love are all that remain in this world that you have left behind. What a honor. what a blessing. what a gift to know that love. to have that love. to feel that love. I close my eyes and picture the two of you now forever together...and i pray you give me the strength i will need to embrace this life without the two of you. I pray you both forever know how much i love you.

You have empowered my life and helped me become more by simply loving me and sharing your life - your lessons and your love with me. May the angels lead you into paradise, Grandma Tillie.  I love you. Give my love and hugs to my mom...I look forward to the day I see you both awaiting for my arrival - smiles and giggles included.

The Strawberry Blonde

She was a face that i just couldn't place - someone i felt like i knew.  Thoughts going across my mind - i know her  - i am positive but the where, when and the how's just couldn't be linked together.  Our paths would cross here and there from time to time but i never thought anything of it. I figured she just had a friendly face with the kind of smile that makes her seem like you knew her - the kind of smile that wasn't easy to forget.

Life happened ... the huge blow of a loss was dealt. My life in chaos - my being lost in that mess of grief - sadness and struggle.  The loss of my mom and best friend launched me into a darkness of twists and turns.  During perhaps the worse time of my entire life the strawberry blonde walked into my life again - she showed up in the strangest and most random of places...at a mentoring running club for young girls. She didn't do anything special - she didn't know my story...she simply flashed me a smile and had this kindness about her. Fleeting for me is feeling at ease - yet i would feel just that around her, her smile got me to just breathe.  her laugh would spark a smile across my face. Her energy shot light into my darkness. At first I just brushed it all off...but week after week she just offered me more kindness and simple friendship in the most calming of ways. I found myself just grateful for the simplest acts of thoughfulness she provided without a thought to it, she had no clue what meaning those acts carry - and to be honest even now she still doesn't have the slightest hint.  Which tells me fully and completely she's real - she isn't fake.  She is simply just a good down to earth person who is genuine and sincere not just with her words but best of all with her actions.

What a blessing she has been to my life in these last months.  Our friendship has been formed and her friendship is something i find myself utterly grateful to have in my life. She has found it worth her while to befriend me - even thou the me - I am right now isn't the best verison of a person one would want to claim as their friend. But she sees pass the darkness - the brokeness -the uglyiness...she sees pass the trainwrecks filled with endless emotions ...and somehow sees me...and shockingly i allow her to see me and know me in such states, where i have struggled to let so many love ones see and help me during this time. But becasue of her friendship it has helped me allow those who so badly want to be there for me, in. I often think what did i ever do to deserve such people and such friendships into my life.

For 33 years i shared it all with only one person...and having that person taken from my life has left a void and emptiness in me that i know will never be filled...yet i am starting to think that my mom somehow has something to do with this strawberry blonde walking into my life...i believe she sent her...because she knew i needed her...and i think the color of her hair was the sign to let me know she was behind it all. i still don't truly know...and i prolly never will...and thats ok...what matters is i now claim this girl as my friend...my hope is to one day step up and be such a friend to her in return...to better her life in the same way she has enhanced and helped restore parts of mine...she is the friend i truly need that much i know for certain...there's only one true person that knows just what i need...she is the only one that knows what was taken when she left...and though she will never be replaced - she somehow found someone she believes will offer me the friendship - support and strength i have been lacking with her absent from my life.  To this strawberry blonde...you have become a life-line to my being. A light in my darkness. A laugh to my endless tears. Though you aren't here to save me, you show me and remind me that i am capable of saving myself. Thank you for seeing past it all and just seeing me...the me she always saw...i am beyond honored to call you, my friend. 

run...

I tie my shoes and head for the trail...its just me and my thoughts and the only place i now hear you. to those who pass by me - i am sure they wonder is this girl ok...should i stop and ask her if she is good? i often have to stop tears streaming down my face that fog my vision. a million thoughts cross my mind...the life i lived with her...the journey of battling cancer...the suffering, pain and struggle of the end...letting her go...the life that now exists without her. all the convos over the 33 years of our times together play in my mind - just pieces - words here and there pop in my head. i try so hard to recall it all to remember it all. i run...i run...trying to get to you...but i will never reach you...my heart feels like it will burst with sorrow. my lungs hurt...my bones hurt...its physical pain that i welcome for the soul pain the pain of losing you i can barely take it...how can one miss someone to the point their bones hurt...their entire body can hurt...how can one feel so broken yet not show one physical sign of being broken...i run...to what i don't know...in hopes of finding peace for my heart. for my mind. for my soul...yet i know i won't find it...i run...to try to clear my thoughts...to clear my mind but it doesn't work...i am consumed with missing you...thoughts of only you...is this the story of my life now...how to live without you...i don't stop because i think of you struggling to even take a step...so i run faster...i don't stop because i think of you grasping for air so i run farther...imagines of you throwing up endlessly and still having a smile on your face saying its ok...i am ok...i don't stop...i don't stop because i think of your suffering, your pain your struggle your battle and go harder...i slam my foot to the ground in hopes it wil prove some point to myself that with running i can make this better...but it doesn't work...a song comes on and i lose it to the point i have to stop and sit behind a tree and just cry...i can't even catch my breath...snot is over taking how much i am even sweating...i laugh and think no wonder why these runs take me forever to complete - too many emotional detours and delays...i listen to the words and they are speaking right too me...

"Fight hard on a night like this
Look for a star and wish
You could get out of it

Bite down and then pray, pray, pray
You'll make it through this to sing and say
You hold life dear

Moments turn to hours which become years...
And now I'm

Far from here, and we are happy
Far from here, we are all right
Far from here, things are peacful
Far from here, we have insight
Far from here, we've detangles
Our strangled hold
And I hope to see you there

Rise high out of this whole scene
Look down and separate yourself
From your worst dream

Then fly far and then stay, stay, stay
Out of the way until the coast
Is clear and safe

Moments turn to hours that become years...
And now I'm

Far from here, and we are happy
Far from here, we are all right
Far from here, things are peaceful
Far from here, we have insight
Far from here, we've detangled
Our strangled hold
And I hope to see you there

Oh, it's hard to imagine
The things that we survive
Will we understand it all
One day when we arrive?

Far from here, and we are happy
Far from here, we are all right
Far from here, things are peaceful
Far from here, we have insight
Far from here, we are laughing
Far from here, we are thankful
Far from here, we're forgiven
And for that we are grateful
Far from here, we've detangled
Our strangled hold
And I hope to see you there

I'll see you there

i run...i run...for healing that sometimes i wonder if i will ever find...i take a breath...i wipe my tears and get up and start running again...the thoughts...the memories...all of her come rushing back...and i run...gosh do i miss her with my entire being.

how can this be...

I wake up and one thought repeats in my mind...how can this be...how can this be real life...how can this be reality...how can you be gone...how can this be...i lay in the darkness eyelids so heavy but never close...how can this be...my mind can't comprehend the reality of the fact you aren't here...that you are gone...i can't grasp nor understand. how can this be...how can i feel so much and yet not feel anything at all...I just long to hear your voice - to talk about nothing at all - to be in the simplest of moments with you - to be just left intoxicated by your presences...to feel your warmth, kindness and love. how could so much of who i am simply be traced back to you.  how does my body continue to run and function without half of its parts...how can this be...i try so hard to focus to feel you...but i always fall up short...what am i doing wrong i wonder...or is this just something one says to bring you comfort never to realize that it actually brings you anything but...i don't feel you. how can this be...you have been gone almost ten months and it seems like years and years...did i make you up...were you really here... this is all bigger than what i can grasp - comprehend and understand. How can this be.... all i know is i miss you. i miss you so terribly much.