Sometimes I forget...

Sometimes I forget that people actually read this...sometimes I don't realize the things I write may or may not be too deep or too dark...but the truth is I write how I am feeling in the moment and who I am...I am not going to sugar coat things or pretend things aren't a certain way just because... I am human and completely imperfect. and even on my worst days or my best days I am who I am... I say sorry to those you who may read this blog and go what!! Where did that come from?? But the truth is I am not a big talker about my thoughts but give me a pen and paper or this case a keyboard everything seems to just pour right out of me...that or budlight is another way to get me a chattin.

I am a storer...a pack rat in a way...I push and push everything deep down than I carry it until I no longer can then dump it out--all of it (sorry to the person who is around when that happens) deal with it and begin the cycle all over again...that's me and prolli will always be me.

I know I have amazing people around me and I know I am loved and cared about but I am stubborn and pig headed and ya I prolli deal with things that happen in my life the wrong way but the truth is that's the only way I know how.

Maybe because I am like this...is a big part of who I am to others...I know what its like to pretend to have it all together. I know how to laugh and smile like nothing is wrong. I know how to be and act so no one has a clue. I am good at focusing the attention away or changing the subject. So in a way because of that I can see thru people's fake laughs and I know the difference between their real smiles and pretend ones. I hear words that aren't said out loud. I know those looks when you are surrounded by people yet feel completely alone. I know what its like to carry darkness inside while the outside looks bright. What its like to almost be screaming inside with some much to say yet find yourself never able to find the words to get it out.

Because of this I also know how those negative demon like thoughts can consume you...how the voice of reason and being logical can be drowned out by a more powerful one that on your best days you know is completely wrong. What's my point to this...I write the truth in hopes of helping others even if its just one who reads this to let them know that they aren't alone...even if they think they are. To help one person say to just her/himself she understands. To give one person hope and faith that the tide will turn. To get one person to realize that tough times don't last but tough people do. Even if on some days that one person is me.

Life is an endless struggle to finding...finding ourselves...finding love...finding success...finding happiness...we have moments but they never last our entire life...and the one thing I have learned from those moments...its only in the darkness that we can see the stars...its only in tough times do we see the true value in the good times. Its thru a tear we find the true meaning a smile holds. For we don't see the beauty in a storm until the clouds part and the sun's rays shine and make everything seem so clean and fresh.