My future...something I try to avoid...something I don't know...maybe its because I have no idea what I want from it...or maybe I know just where I want to be but have no idea how to get there.
Its something I can no longer avoid and put aside and not deal with. The nice thing about not really having a clue you have endless paths to take...you just have to take one...yet what is my hold up!? Is it because I don't think I will make it- I won't be enough-sometimes its easier not to try than to try and fail yet I know better! I know much much better. I sit here and think all the time what are you doing? Where are you going? I want to know the answers to those questions yet I have never been one to ever have them. I know its an endless stress and worry for my parents...they want me to find a real job a stable job with benefits and paid vacations...my mom worries about the strong wild Goldmann behavior that I carry with me...the kind my father carried with him and would have taken him if my mother didn't save him. The kind that can take a life and lose it in party nights and endless bottles...but I am also in my late twenties and I am single...someday if that day comes I would trade those times in for ones that involve bathtime and goodnite stories and kisses...but well those days are light years away and I refuse to wait for them. Some people just don't end up living those lives.
I know I am prolli on my way to hitting rock bottom...but when that happens...you end up finding out what you truly want and where you want to be. You find yourself and are able to see more clearly...I have been standing still for much too long...I know I need to start again...yet I am not sure where to start? Where do I belong? Where do I fit in? Where is my place in this world? What is my purpose? My meaning? I spent my life pleasing everyone and giving myself to everyone in my life yet somehow always ending up disappointing someone...or multiple of someones...but you know what I still do it...because that's who I am...and who I want to be...
So where does that lead me...standin at the edge and not sure whether to jump...standin at the forks in the road tryin to pick a path...sitting with my thoughts with endless questions crossing my mind...questions mixed in with demons and angels...dreams and failures...I know one thing for sure I must start with a single step...something I say I will do but never do...for I know my happiness is waiting for me...I know a huge part of me is just waiting for me to find her...I know my future is just in my grasps I just have to reach for it...my tide is turning...I just have to be confident in myself and have a bit more faith in my...and above all I need to start seein myself in the eyes that so many see me and not how I see myself...I need to love myself...change sucks but so does standing still.
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Michelle, Just read your blog and it sounds oh so familiar. I think that we all go through this at some point in our lives, and some of us go through it multiple times in our lives. I know I still get that feeling about where my life is going, if I have made the right choices, if I chose the right career path etc. But I think that the important thing is to be present in the moment that you are in right now and the life you are living right now, and everything that is supposed to happen in your future will just happen. I think that we have been put under this society "pressure" of an idea that we are all supposed to be sucessful with these certain type of careers, start a family at "this" age, etc. But that isn't how everyones life is supposed to go. I know that you wrote that you feel like you are standing still, but Michelle- when in the hell have you ever been standing still? You have been living your life to the fullest since the day I first met you and I am sure long before that. I really admire you for that and your enthusiasm for life is so inspiring! So try to forget what you feel society, family, or whoever thinks you should be doing with your life, and just follow your own path. After all this is your life and yours alone, and we only have one to live- so live it your way and everything will work out! Love you soooo much!
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