Its with life's experiences I have learned often the hard way that just becasue as wrong was given to you doesn't mean an apology will follow. The simple truth is people will hurt you - they will sometimes be fully aware of this and worst yet still ignore the fact of their wrong doing. I am unsure if it has to do with pride or stubborness or what - I am still trying to figure that out. But there are people out there that its all about them - how they feel - what they can and can't handle - the world is solely focused on them. I use to apologize or take the blame for such people - say sorry when it had nothing to do with me being wrong. They continued to still walk all over me without a thought. They knew fair well what they were doing and decide to hurt me anyways. They resort in removing avoiding cutting out replacing then dealing accepting understanding or working together. Havign such people in your life is tough esp when you care for sure people. I realize thou that if I sit by and wait for an apology or for them to do the right thing i will prolly be sitting here waiting for the rest of my life. So I am learning to choose being a peace at needing a sorry or even letting go (slowly) of such people from my life. Its hard to let them go - but sometimes I guess thats just how life goes.
I have this picture and I look at it from time to time on my computer - its so simple but sometimes its amazing that I need to remind myself to do just that... BREATHE. Why is it so hard sometimes to do just that...BREATHE. BREATHE. inhale. exhale. inhale. exhale. BREATHE. When I get in a pattern of focusing on my breathing life's moments that rip your heart out - sucker punch you in the gut get a little easier to bare. BREATHE.
At one point in time I thought sunshine was something you had to be in search out. You had to find. You had to spend endless hours figuring things out or go on some big quest to achieve it. Turns out it had nothing to do with that. IT simple just had to deal with ME creating it. Now I know its my choice to make it or to go without it. My choice to bring the sunshine or sit in the dark. Its no one else's job but mine. And it solely depends on me to make it and create it. And no I don't need to go anywhere or be with someone certain or go on some quest I just have to decide and then create. Just me - no one else.
There have been moments in my life where I have been hurt deeply by another. The hurt has cut deep and at times left a wound - a wound that still has trouble healing all the way. There have been moments where I wish I could hurt the person back in such a way so they knew how much it hurt by what they said or did to me. But then a reasoning sweeps over me...reminding me...that is not you. you are better than that to hurt someone on purpose. you are better than that. and then I feel guilty for ever having such thoughts. Sometimes when people hurt us they don't realize what they have done - sometimes its because they are hruting and they can't see pass that hurt - sometimes yes people do it on purpose. I don't know the full reason behind why people hurt us - but i do know we can't assume we know or judge based on what we think. I am in charge of my own actions and thats all I can control. And I know that hurting someone just so they can hurt or feel like I do is not who I am nor who i ever want to be.
Life is full of love stories. I decided that my love story is going to be with life. Not to the point where I am in love with myself - that just sounds well dumb. But I can be in love with life. I am done waiting for someone who never shows up or stays. So its me and life. And I am positive it will be just a great of a story.
Maybe I am not the only one that has a problem with the when - when do you know if its time to let it go and go after something better or if its time tokeep holding on and trying harder? I struggle with when knowing its time and when its not time. I am not afraid of going for something great but the thought crosses my mind maybe great is right here in front of me and I am just not giving it my all. Other times I know I am settling and its time to let it go and achieve something better. But the when...that's always my road block.
This may be one of the hardest things I have to learn to control - that I don't have the answers for others - even if I think I do. They must be the ones that seek them realize them and understand them. I would love to save others - esp from their selves. But I have found that no matter how hard I try I simply can not. Its a hard reality to accept esp when it comes to people I love and care about. Its hard watching them drown when they have the power the whole time to save themselves. But it comes down to them not me. I can't do it for them. I pray they do realize and come to know this - its hard its really hard to watch and even harder when they push you away. Yet people each have their own process and sometimes you just have to accept that even as much as you want to be a part of that process - you aren't. But it never will stop me for holidng out hope from the distant shoreline that one day they will come to know and find their way.
When it rain it pours...at least it does in my life. So when I tend to have a bad day they are followed by many. My only conclusion is is that I don't sweat the small stuff that I have a good grasp on things and have a good attitude so it takes alot to shake me up or get me off balance. But when it does happen it is usually caused by something major and it knocks me - so it takes me awhile to gather myself. During that time its easy to to get down on myself and think negative in ways that well can be dramatic esp for me. I will let myself have such moments because I know I have a right too but then they must end but well I don't want to waste days on being bad ones. I want to learn from them. grow from them and then carry on. I don't want to let my bad days out number my good days. And I sure as heck don't want to let it lead to a bad life.
I have been that girl that sticks around and well doesn't get it. I have been that girl that didn't quite link all the pieces together. I have been that girl that didn't read the signs or pay attention to the right signs. I have been that girl that failed to take the blinders off. I have been that girl that gave more than she should have. I have been that girl that went 85 and the other 15. I have been that girl that just couldn't give up on it. I have been that girl that finally did see realize and know. That girl is well a hard girl to be. What I would like to tell that girl is she deserved better than how she was treated. I would tell that girl that she shouldn't stand for things like being treated like that just because she cared or loved. I would tell that girl its completely ok to walk away and to even be a bit torked as well as hurt - you did all you could do. I would like to tell that girl to learn and grow from it so she knew what better truly was for next time.
I have no trouble forgiving others - sometimes people just don't know any better. They are hurting and the only way they know how to get rid of that hurt is lashing out - not a good excuse but I do understand it. That's just how some people deal with things I don't think its right but well it is what it is. But why is it so hard for us to forgive ourselves? Why do we feel the failure and hurt and don't let ourselves off the hook? Once again not all people are like this either. But I am that person I am the kind of person that blames herself when things go wrong when people hurt me- its almost my way of saying you know better - you knew the kind of person they were and their actions held true to that - what were you thinking in thinking you could change them or it would be different when it came to you? I am unsure why I struggle to let myself off the hook when I so easily let the ones that are actually responsible for such actions quickly off the hook. I guess I have somethings I truly need to change regarding myself - first things first to be gentle with myself.
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